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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 02/08/2020 17:02

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’d be very cautious tbh, it sounds like he would get back with her given half a chance.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/08/2020 17:02

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

When it’s his contact weekends, he stays with his parents as she won’t allow him to have them here. It’s ridiculous, he needs to stand up to her but he won’t. He says she would make life difficult.
There's no 'allow' She does not hold this power.

I'd go and find someone childless and who can give you the relationship you can deserve.

TheFoz · 02/08/2020 17:02

Why is he in such good terms with the woman who cheated on him? There’s more to this than he’s telling you OP.

diddl · 02/08/2020 17:03

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.
So he's insulting you now?

Even if it were normal, if it's not what you want then you need the relationship to stay ended.

He doesn't have to like/agree with your reasons.

You don't need his permission!

SunshineCake · 02/08/2020 17:05

I am so sorry you are upset but this man isn't worth any more tears.

Also, my question was posted before I read the whole thread and I hope it is no longer relevant and you don't go back to him.

He is using his kids to spend time with his ex and shaft you albeit maybe unconsciously. If she cheated on him maybe he still has feelings.

Time to get him out. Give him a shock. Hopefully you will decide you deserve better but if you don't then he will learn and maybe change..

Dollyrocket · 02/08/2020 17:06

He’s gaslighting you, 100%.

He’s now showing you his full true colours.

Stick to your guns and get this arsehole out of your house!

namechangebunny · 02/08/2020 17:06

 @Bibbitybobbottyboo Thanks It's incredibly hard but you did the right thing on calling him out on it and asking him to leave. He seems to want to have his cake and to eat it too - telling you to like it or lump it, and then insulting you by telling you that you are overreacting is just not on. You deserve better than this.

happytoday73 · 02/08/2020 17:06

I'm so sorry but glad you've stood up for yourself...
Its normal and good to put your kids first but no reason at all for you to be treated like this....
I think his ex likes to ensure he still dances to her tune and enjoys the power. If he isn't willing to stick up for you it'll eat at your relationship... So you've done the right thing...

Dollyrocket · 02/08/2020 17:07

Also, you KNOW it’s wrong, your gut has told you and he’s now trying to blindside you with bullshit about it being for the kids! What utter, utter shite.

Beautiful3 · 02/08/2020 17:07

That's awful and not normal at all to share a room!!! I would tell him to leave.

VacMan · 02/08/2020 17:07

@DameFanny

OP, remember, as long as this man is in your life, he's taking up space that could be occupied by a genuine partner who would want you involved in all aspects of his life. Your boundaries are right, your instincts are right - stand firm Flowers
Totally agree with this.
Lifeisabeach09 · 02/08/2020 17:09

He has made it clear he considers me to be untrusting and says this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex.

He has no regard for your feelings. He has giving you an ultimatum-deal with it or you're dumped!

It's not about sharing a room. It's about you being excluded, things being kept from you and the lack of regard for your feelings.

Tell me, OP, do you cook his meals, do his washing, and subsidise him financially?

TeaLibrary · 02/08/2020 17:10

Stay firm OP. You are well rid of him. If he hasn't left by the time you get back I would be chucking his things put in a black binbag and changing the locks. How dare he treat you like some shameful bit on the side whilst he swans off to play happy families with his ex.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/08/2020 17:12

This is probably not the first thing you want to think of, but remember to claim for single person discount on council tax again.

Someone who uses finances as an excuse for behaviour like that is going to stop his contributions to your household immediately if he contributed fairly in the first place

Lifeisabeach09 · 02/08/2020 17:12

Just caught on the thread. Well done, OP. Don't settle! As PP have said, you can find someone who can fit you in on all aspects of their life.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/08/2020 17:13

It'll hurt for now, but you know that splitting's the right thing to do - especially after the rather threatening "this will be a major issue in our future if I continue to have issues with him doing family events with his ex"

Thinking of the the DCs and being decent to his ex in front of them was fine, but the shared room was too much and he knew it (hence why he tried to blame you instead)

You deserve much b etter than this, OP, and I'm sure you'll find it Flowers

Icanflyhigh · 02/08/2020 17:14

Wow. You are well rid of him.
If I were invited to a family wedding and exH too, I would be going with DP and kids, definitely not with exH.

As for the sharing a room, that's bang out of order, whether you're co-parwnting effectively or not, quickest way to mess your kids heads up.

After 20 months, there isn't a judge in the land who wouldn't allow the kids contact with you present. The ex needs to get over herself and accept he's moved on.

The kids too.

He sounds like a manchild who is either too weak to support you in the face of his ex or he has just been a cocklodger and been taking what he can get from you with no intention of making any kid of commitment.

Stay strong, you're better than this and worth a LOT more x

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2020 17:15

Op was the intention to have children with this man? What would the plan for family things be then?

shazzz1xx · 02/08/2020 17:15

Nooo no NO... I would not accept that.. if he wants family times with his ex why did he divorce her !!!

Remind him about her fling/affair what ever it was just keep reminding him x

NoGinNotComingIn · 02/08/2020 17:17

He thinks sharing a room with his ex wife at family gatherings and excluding his actual partner is normal 😱 err no. It's like they are pretending they are still together, that's not right.

I wouldn't stand for any of this, you are well rid. It's one thing putting your children first, but it's completely different putting your ex wife before your partner!!

Glendaruel · 02/08/2020 17:18

I can understand not introducing you to the kids straight off, but 20 months in, they should get to know you.

Long term if you get married would he invite his children to your wedding. If you have children together will they have a relationship with their half siblings. These are questions you need to ask.

It's good he is putting his kids first but part of it is showing them that relationships change, mummy and daddy were together, they aren't now but they still get on and love them and can be grown up about it. Now daddy lives with you and this is fine (well would be if daddy included you in his life).

toobusytothink · 02/08/2020 17:20

OMG I have been with my boyfriend/other half for 20 months and we don’t even live together. And I accept that his ex is going to be part of his life and they will do their kids’ bday parties etc together and his kids will always come first. However if he put his ex before me then that would be the end. I have only just started spending time with his kids, but if he didn’t want me to that would be a huge issue for me - and yes it is what HE wants because the ex can’t tell him not to - especially after 20 months! He could stand up to her but won’t. And that for me would 100% be a dealbreaker no matter how much I love him. I would certainly not be happy for him to go to a family event with his ex. This is NOT normal no matter what he says. It is ok to be friends with the ex but not this far. I’m sorry but there is no way I could cope with this. He said like it or lump it and unfortunately I would have to lump it and end it. Well done. You’re not being silly. You need to feel as though you are his partner and be included in his life - all bits of it. This is not right. I’m sorry op

JacobReesMogadishu · 02/08/2020 17:20

The worst thing isn’t the sharing a room with his ex, not taking you to the wedding or not letting you meet his kids. They’re bad enough.

But it’s the gaslighting of you which is the worst thing.

Coffee4Queen · 02/08/2020 17:24

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.
No the situation is not normal. It has been 20 months, things are not going to change. Did you see yourself getting married to him, having children of your own together?? I don’t think he has. He already has his family and doesn’t want anyone else to be a part of it, including you.

You are better off without him, don’t let him back in your life. You are NOT overreacting.

Meme2019 · 02/08/2020 17:25

My blood boiling for you. If someone shows you
Who there are believe them, he is clearly showing that your not that important to him. Save yourself the grief now and start thinking about moving on without him.