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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
GoldenBlue · 02/08/2020 16:51

Draw your line in the sand. You are not over reacting. He can choose to sleep in a separate room and include you in future events or he can choose to end the relationship.

No issue with you being unable to go due to numbers this time but the lack of communication about it was dreadful and can't happen again.

But no I would not feel comfortable with my partner sharing a room with his ex even though we are many years down the line.

He's a twat for not seeing that it is an issue

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 16:51

Yeah he's sending texts now trying to gaslight you, as he doesn't want to lose his lodgings and sex on tap.

SentientAndCognisant · 02/08/2020 16:51

Of course he’s going to say you’re over reacting/too sensitive/all worked up
He’s spinning you a lie. Gaslighting. Hoping emotion will overwhelm judgement
Trying to wheedle his way out a sticky spot. Tell you it’s no biggie

It is a biggie. Because people have boundaries they don’t go to social events and share room with the ex whilst excluding current partner

SunshineCake · 02/08/2020 16:51

Why are you with someone who won't stand up for you ?

HotPatootiebootie · 02/08/2020 16:52

If you cave over this, you will be 100% agreeing with this way of life permanantly from now onwards. You won't go to family events. Your children wont know their siblings. And your "partner" will have his cake and eat it while you will be lucky if you get the crumbs that are swept from his ex wifes lap.

You deserve SO MUCH MORE.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 02/08/2020 16:52

It’s absolutely not normal for exes to sideline new partners, no.

My family is absolutely riddled with divorce and remarriage - the whole bunch go along to weddings and it’s absolutely fine. Everyone gets along and no-one is pretending things aren’t as they are “for the kids”.

Sadly, maybe he isn’t really that serious about you, OP.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 16:52

I love him and want to be with him, I hate the thought of him leaving. But I don’t want to be forever in this situation.

this situation will never change... you have accepted so why would he change it when he has the best of both worlds... Confused

He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.

it is absolutely NOT normal... if it's normal then tell him every time he goes to his parents for the weekend then your Ex Boyfriend will be coming over for as sleepover and you'll be sharing a bed to save on heating.... Grin

he's a gas lighting TWUNT.. and you need to get SHOT of him immediately OP... this man will NEVER make you happy... don't be someones second choice... ever .. Flowers

GoldenBlue · 02/08/2020 16:53

And you should be pushing about the children spending time with their father at his home. Otherwise it'll be 10 years down the line and you'll still be living partial lives because he won't have a normal home life with his kids.

It's not the exes choice

CD28 · 02/08/2020 16:53

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’m currently driving around in tears. I asked if I would start to get included in family events alongside the ex and he said he didn’t think that his daughters would like that. I said I didn’t want him going with his ex wife without me and he insisted that was what has been arranged for the girls. He wouldn’t give an answer as to whether things will change and told me of I couldn’t accept it, then our relationship wouldn’t continue. So I’ve told him that is his choice and to be gone to his parents by the time I get back later this evening. I can’t believe it’s come to this so quickly, he didn’t even fight for me.
You have done the right thing my darling, as hard as it may be. Stay strong x
Branleuse · 02/08/2020 16:53

you are definitely well rid.
Im sorry its come to this. Big hugs.

IncrediblySadToo · 02/08/2020 16:53

Stay strong.

His attitude is the problem & that's not going to change.

It's fine (good parenting) to put your childrens NEEDS first, it is not fine to say 'x is for the children & tough shit how you feel' to get your own way.

Covid/numbers is all a diversion from the basic fact that he still wants 'family life' with his ex and you're the girlfriend who he doesn't care about hurting/upsetting. It's about HIS wishes, not the childrens needs.

Be strong because he's bullshitting & guilting you. You are NOT being silly or unreasonable. And it's not just about him sharing a family room at a hotel (that wouldn't bother me) it's about his attitude towards you

Rafflesway · 02/08/2020 16:54

@Emmie12345

So sorry OP. I expect the wife now wants him back or he hopes there is a chance. You deserve so so much better . Big hugs xx
This with bells on and more! 😠

Believe me OP, you are worth 10 of this spineless piece of shit!

RoseTintedAtuin · 02/08/2020 16:54

Full of admiration for you @Bibbitybobbottyboo. I know it must feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world right now but posters are right, he is gas lighting you, it’s not normal in the slightest and it seems he has no intention of including you in his family let alone making your feelings a priority.
So sorry, you deserve so much better! Flowers

Luckyonetwo · 02/08/2020 16:54

Yanbu

MellowBird85 · 02/08/2020 16:54

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.
Well we’ll well, he’s panicking now isn’t he the bluffing bastard. I wasn’t going to comment as everyone has already said exactly what I’ve had said but just wanted to say stand your ground OP. You’re worth more that this pile of shit. For what it’s worth I nearly left my (now) DH after he went for a roast at his ex’s 2 weeks into our relationship!
DameFanny · 02/08/2020 16:55

OP, remember, as long as this man is in your life, he's taking up space that could be occupied by a genuine partner who would want you involved in all aspects of his life. Your boundaries are right, your instincts are right - stand firm Flowers

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 16:56

that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends

Ohhhh she's HIS FRIEND now, not the woman who will make his life a misery if you see his DC.

He must think you're a real pushover.

wildcherries · 02/08/2020 16:57

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I’ve parked up and read your replies. He’s sent a barrage of voice messages saying I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, that the situation is normal and I’m taking it to heart, that it’s no different to going away with any of his friends.
I'm sorry he's being such a bastard. It is different, and you are neither overreacting nor being silly. You've done the right thing.

In my experience, 'you're overreacting' means 'you're not accepting what I want you to do.'

xxxemzyxxx · 02/08/2020 16:57

Bless you op, how upsetting. I think you’ve done the right thing by asking him to leave. He doesn’t see you as part of his family and as you said, he won’t fight for you. It hurts now but you deserve to be with someone who wants you to be part of their family.

I can’t see any woman ever being ok with this situation - maybe one day he will learn - but it doesn’t sound like that time is soon.

Stay strong - don’t give in.you deserve better.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 02/08/2020 16:57

It's not normal though.
Perhaps tight numbers may have meant you'd not have an invite, but not making that clear is not normal.
Attending a wedding with the ex wife as a friend of the bride/groom and their dc, possibly not a bad thing for the dc.
Sharing a room, not normal, not normal at all. Not for the dc either, that'll muck with their heads.

He's made it clear that his ex will always come before you. That's not normal either. The dc yes, but that does not include the ex in totality.

Thanks
BumbleBeee69 · 02/08/2020 16:57

he didn’t even fight for me

of course he didn't.. YOU deserve tenfold better than thus scum bag .... honestly let him go and you will meet someone worthy of your love who will cherish you always Flowers

Veganfortheanimals · 02/08/2020 16:59

Sorry op ,that would be it for me ,he’d be gone

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 02/08/2020 17:00

Ha ha! So now he's putting pressure onto you to back down? What happened to "if you can't accept it we're over"? Hmm

You're quite right to move him out. Someone who is not ready to introduce you to his DC is someone who's not ready to live with your. It's as simple as that.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Teedeepie · 02/08/2020 17:00

Sorry OP but I agree with others who have said that he is now panicking that he has lost his cushy little rental number.

He probably enjoys going to his mum and dads when he needs help with the little ones but he clearly likes your accommodation when it suits him.

Don’t be a convenience for him. You are worth so much more than that Flowers

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/08/2020 17:01

He has a strange definition of what is normal ! He is being completely unreasonable. How would he feel if you went away overnight with an ex ?