Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

You are definitely not in the wrong here, you shouldn't have to come second best in this relationship just to accommodate him, I would have done exactly the same as you in your situation, you made the right decision, he's being controlled by his ex's wishes and you don't need any part of that, as previous pp have said, every future relationship of his is doomed if he keeps on like this, you deserve to be put before his ex, well done and have another drink

Messages seem to be going through patterns. Telling me I’m over reacting/emotional and unreasonable then Saying he loves me and maybe he can try to make changes then calling me crazy, jealous, and unable to accept his family set up.

“What do your friend and your brother think? Are they telling you they’re relieved?”

I was curious about this, too. To state the obvious - your brother is male and he seems to have been very clear that this man’s behaviour was unacceptable. Your brother sounds great.

Thinking of you, OP. This must be heartbreaking. He escalated it by telling you to suck it up or your relationship would be over.

Glad you're with someone supportive in RL OP.

Just remember you're not worthlessness at all. You've proven that with how you've reacted.

Enjoy as much as possible in the circumstances your even with your friend.

He shouldn't be doing anything with his ex. Not as a couple.

In some he’s calm and in others it chills me how he speaks to me with such anger

Evening not even....

@Bibbitybobbottyboo I'm so sorry you are hurting right now, however, you could just have saved yourself a lifetime of pain. When you question the stance you've taken remember his actions are much greater than his words so whatever he might have said about a life together, his actions were the opposite. If they genuinely divorced because she had an affair why does he allow his ExW to have the upper hand and call the shots on access.

If after being divorced for 2 years and him in a relationship for 20 months isn't enough to be considered stable enough to include the girls as a family with you then when would it be? With the youngest being 4 there are a lot of years ahead and introducing another person will get harder. I have this conversation with my SIL about her ex. They still play happy families which I just don't think is the right approach- everyone needs to be able to move on. I'm not sure living in the past really benefits anyone. There is a world of difference between being civil/friendly ex's for the sake of the DC but that doesn't mean conducting contact as if they were still married. I'm presuming the ExW hasn't got a new partner but wonder if and when she does if she will apply the same rules to herself or would that be different in her eyes?

My parents divorced when I was 8, they didn't speak, we had rigid access rules and they didn't spend any time together ever. I was an adult before they could be in a room together. It was awful but i'm not sure acting almost like nothing has changed is the right approach either.

You’re not crazy and you’ve every right to be jealous.
Let’s see if he can find another lady that thinks it’s ok.

Of course he's angry! you're not the pushover he thought you were. His cosy little triangulation set up has failed.

Send him one message back.

Stop messaging me. We are done. There is nothing more to say.

Then block him.

Don't let him talk you round, his family unit should be you him and his 2 children, not his ex wife, he can't even see that (or won't see it because he doesn't want to) Stay strong, you're well out of this very weird set up

Fuck no. Not acceptable at all.

De lurking to say how fantastic I think you are OP. You've read and understood the situation as it unfolded and have acted decisively and immediately.
Yes it will hurt like hell and theres a hard few weeks ahead but your ex was never going to bring you in from the periphery because it suited him for you to be there, waiting for him while he played happy families.
I'm glad you have RL support, and don't fall for his shit, you've done the hard bit

OP, you have done so well.

But you have to block him now.

Sounds like he's trying out different angles to see what works, then gets angry when you don't fall for his BS. Stay strong and stay away from his messages.

What was the domestic setup OP? did you split the bills 50/50 or did you sub him? a lot of the anger might be due to losing his cosy setup.

Stay strong you are doing so well and have a much brighter future in front of you now.

If he's angry I'm guessing it's because he's finally not getting his own way.

That's a big red flag for any relationship.

DH and I don't always agree but we listen to each other and ultimately work together to find a way forward we are both comfortable with.

What we don't do is gaslight one another or be dismissive of each other's feelings/views.

That's what's so wrong here. It's his way or nothing and in his arrogance he didn't believe you'd choose "nothing" aka freedom from his arrogance.

And block the bastard, you don't need to read anything that he has to say.

So really just not getting it at all. I think this will be a scenario he’ll face again and again, no one would be ok with being treated like this. He doesn’t love you, if he loved you he wouldn’t have put you in this position, he is angry that he isn’t getting his way, he wanted his cake and He wanted to eat it. This tells you a lot about how he would have behaved when faced with other situations that didn’t go just the way he thought they should.

Well done, Bibbity. He’s shown you who he is and you’ve taken it on board. I know it hurts but much better to get it over in the short term.

He's shown his true colours. You've been so strong and at least you're no pushover, you've made it clear what you will and won't accept. It's good that you have stood your ground. At least you know where you stand

Sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape! Hope you feel better soon X

Block him, he sounds a complete head fuck. Who needs it?.

Good job being décisive and taking action even though it was so emotionally difficult @Bibbitybobbottyboo. I would start ignoring his messages but not block him just yet as you need to arrange collection of the rest of his stuff. Alternatively, do you know his parents’ address? If so, I’d ask your brother and friends to help you move those items and drop them off at his parents’ house so he never has to come round your place again. I also take it that your brother took your now-ex’s keys from him? I hope so. Keep posting for support and well done.

A few on here have conjectured you've been subbing his life. My guess is he moved from his parents to yours. Roof, board, bed - and family life completely separate from you.