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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:

rach2713 · 02/08/2020 19:39

What a complete twat yes there is a level you must have to get on for the sake of your children but that is taking it many levels above not normal. You have done the right thing now before you bring any kids into that relationship..

Greenkit · 02/08/2020 19:40

What an asshole

I hope you're ok

JamieLeeCurtains · 02/08/2020 19:43

I agree with the pp who said you're very clever and astute to suss this so quickly.

Justjoshin22 · 02/08/2020 19:44

Hi OP, just a hand hold from me. It’s so hard when a relationship ends and you’re rightly upset. I hope you have a big glass of wine, bar of chocolate and a friend to lean on.
I agree with the others. It’s not a normal or reasonable situation. Of course his children come first but that’s not what’s happening here. He can give you your place and respect you as his partner and prioritise his girls. Not pushing to include you in their lives isn’t fair on anyone - them included and the wedding situation is bizarre. Fine if the ex is invited (maybe a little odd but whatever) but you not being invited and worse - him sharing a room with his ex and playing happy families - is a slap in the face. Present a united front at parents evening - absolutely. But attend not this.
Stay strong and keep your dignity. He will never find a self respecting woman who will stand for this.

isthismylifenow · 02/08/2020 19:47

Happy to hear you have rl support OP.

You did the right thing.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/08/2020 19:47

Good for you and your brother! An awful situation but at least you have that support. When I read the post before that I was worried he might be still there waiting to keep saying you were over reacting.

Quietly making arrangements behind your back for this wedding and not saying a word about it and then pretending that its normal.. is not normal.
Always meeting his kids at his parents and excluding you - is not normal and saying that his ex and his DC wouldn't like you being around is not normal.
He doesn't deserve you, makes you feel worthless when you are not - Its difficult now but you are saving yourself lots of pain in the future.
It won't be long before you will be so glad you called his bluff. Good luck

HarrietM87 · 02/08/2020 19:48

Well done OP. You’ve done absolutely the right thing. Hope you’re ok.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/08/2020 19:49

"saying that his ex and his DC wouldn't like you being around is not normal." Sorry I meant he shouldn't have just accepted that it would be like that all the time.

FourPlasticRings · 02/08/2020 19:55

Well done, OP. I know it's tough, but you're making the right call here.

Fruitsaladjelly · 02/08/2020 19:57

No, no, nope, why do either of them think this is ok? How disrespectful to you ! I could just about entertain him having an invite without a plus one (as it’s his family and he’ll know plenty of people and covid weddings are small) and his ex and the girls being Invited separately (although I still see this as poor form for a partner of 20 months not being included on any wedding invite) but the sharing a room thing, WHAT ON EARTH were they thinking?. It doesn’t matter if they are in with the girls, sharing a bedroom with other women Finished at the point you guys became a thing.
I’m so sorry OP, I know this is tough but this could never have worked, you’d have been setting yourself up for years of hurt. He doesn’t care enough about you or want to consider your feelings. It’s a shame you’ve wasted 20 months but better 20 months than 10 years.

CrazyToast · 02/08/2020 20:00

He's excluded you, arranged this and not told you until now, dared to call YOU unreasonable and silly for being uspet when he is clearly out of line, said you wont ever be part of his kid's lives, basically threatened to leave you if you don't toe the line, and left without a fight. What a loser.

I love him and want to be with him, I hate the thought of him leaving.
The thing is, your self-respect needs to be stronger than your feelings. It's bloody hard though.

toobusytothink · 02/08/2020 20:01

You know what it is actually so unfair of him and I’m pissed off on your behalf. He should never have got involved with someone if he wasn’t willing to commit fully and had no intention of introducing his kids - or else certainly shouldn’t have moved in with you. More I think about it the bigger a tosser he is. Angry for you op!!

Fruitsaladjelly · 02/08/2020 20:02

I just asked DH for his take on it and he was gob smacked. He said “20 months!?! It’s not like some fresh relationship, he wants his cake doesn’t he? “

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/08/2020 20:02

I can't understand why he thinks it's just like him meeting up with friends!. Surely if it was friends, you would have met them, they'd hang out with you occasionally... Not be kept as a dirty secret. And as for his his ex 'not letting' him have his DDs at your house...well. I think he may be in for a very big wake up call when he next forms a relationship.

booboo24 · 02/08/2020 20:04

I am gobsmacked at the audacity of him. Well done for ending it, you've done the right thing. It isn't normal at all, not by a long shot, my ex comes to family things to do with our children, but so does his partner and my fiancé, that's what is normal, not pretending to be happy families with the ex and dancing to her tune. I really feel for you, I know that must have been such a tough decision to make

howfarwevecome · 02/08/2020 20:08

Wow. What a selfish arsehole to expect you to stand aside for every family event his ex might be at, essentially. And to not allow his girls to be in your presence ... because that is his decision, not his ex's. She can't actually control that.

You were a roof, a cook, a housekeeper and someone to warm his bed when he didn't have his kids. You are well rid.

I'm glad you have a brother who wlil support you in getting rid of him.

carly2803 · 02/08/2020 20:15

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.

hes a fuckin arsehole OP

get rid of him- this will never change and frankly its a disaster.

let him leave, do not fight for him

i think you will find he will be back with the "ex" in a week

carly2803 · 02/08/2020 20:15

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

hes a fuckin arsehole OP

get rid of him- this will never change and frankly its a disaster.

let him leave, do not fight for him

i think you will find he will be back with the "ex" in a week

Nancydrawn · 02/08/2020 20:16

But OP, this isn't a one-off for the wedding. This is a repeated pattern of behavior wherein he defers to her (ridiculous) demands rather than integrating you into the family unit.

In the first few months of you dating, it would be reasonable for her to ask that you not be part of the kids' lives. Now it's been nearly two years, he's flat out living with you, and he's made a commitment and he's still seeing his kids elsewhere at her behest.

The family wedding, though an acute example, is just one more piece of evidence that he's not treating you as if you're part of the family or as if you're important.

The trust thing is a red herring. It's not about it being inappropriate to sleep in a different bed in the same room as his ex. One could have a debate about that. What is not a debate, though, is that at every turn he's silo-ed you off from the family unit and treated you as if you'll be there when he decides to get back from his 'real family'. That's bullshit behavior.

I'm so sorry.

LightUpLetters · 02/08/2020 20:24

Weird set up there. Your well rid of him

nicenames · 02/08/2020 20:38

You are totally right to do this OP. I am so sorry, you must be devastated.

Of course, men with children need to put their children first. That doesn't mean pretending that their new partner doesn't exist and spending time with their ex wife as if no break up had happened. In fact, that sounds like a head fuck for the kids! Friendly, yes, that is ideal for his girls, but not "let's pretend there really isn't a good reason why we aren't together as a family unit".

He will realise this once she decides to move on, but there is no good reason for you to wait around for this with him pretending you don't exist. Well done for being so quick to realise that this man won't give you what you deserve. This really isn't a family you would want to be in part of by the sounds of it!!

Original poster

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 20:43

I’m at my friends house, slightly drunk. He hadn’t started packing when my brother got there but he’d helpfully brought a roll of bin bags with him. He seemed totally stunned my brother said. Most of his clothes have now gone, just some bigger items to pick up. I feel as if I’m in a dream and will wake up and this won’t have happened. I can’t believe it escalated like this out of nowhere. The messages continue, I can’t reply as I know he will talk me round. Thank you for making me see I wasn’t in the wrong

OP posts:

Fanthorpe · 02/08/2020 20:44

What do your friend and your brother think? Are they telling you they’re relieved?

Fruitsaladjelly · 02/08/2020 20:47

Stay strong op- can you share some of the messages? It would be interesting to see how he is thinking/ justifying himself. It’s obvious he is so removed from what any normal person would consider acceptable

TwentyViginti · 02/08/2020 20:49

So glad you've come back! good you're with a mate!

Now, he still has belongings at yours. DANGER!!!!! do not let him talk you round - can your bro and mates move the stuff for you, without your ex being at your home?

You need to block him everywhere, ASAP. And change your locks.

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