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Original poster

Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

550 replies

Bibbitybobbottyboo · 02/08/2020 15:01

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

OP posts:
GiantPinesAhem · 02/08/2020 19:03

There's not a single thing on this earth that could persuade me to share a hotel room with my ex – not even the children. And I am 100% certain that my partner feels exactly the same.

marriedwithhounds · 02/08/2020 19:03

Sounds like a right prick. You've done right.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/08/2020 19:04

Oh you are well rid. I bet your brother didn’t need much persuading either after hearing about his gaslighting behaviour.

Years ago one of dhs cousins got divorced and when he got invited to a family wedding his ex w said she was going to turn up as his plus one because they were still a family.

So he didn’t go to the wedding because it would have been weird as fuck. That’s the normal response. Most divorced couples don’t go out of their way to spend time together.

jessycake · 02/08/2020 19:04

I think you are doing the right thing . Its very difficult for you at the moment , but this issue won't be going away anytime soon.

notasportymum · 02/08/2020 19:05

He’s right to want his DC to see that mum and dad like each other still and are friends, doing things as a family. That does not mean excluding you and blaming the reason on DC “his DC won’t like it”. Or telling you to lump it. He can move out and lump that. He’d just moved in, this is the time you’re all loved up and happy not made to feel like a bootscrape.

You are not worthless. He has not valued you. You’re doing the right thing, ditch quick cry your tears and find someone who loves and respects you. Never be low hanging fruit.

Hileni · 02/08/2020 19:08

Well done OP! The situation was not right. No one would think it was. Except obviously him, his ex and maybe his parents as they enable him to use their house even though he didn't live there.

You will look back and be so glad you did this on a few months time!!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/08/2020 19:09

Wanker! Well done in getting rid!

Ryah76 · 02/08/2020 19:09

Sorry this has happened to you, but you have done the right thing. How dare he treat you this way! Big hugs

AdaColeman · 02/08/2020 19:10

You've done the right thing in ending this relationship. He didn't value you as partner/equal in anyway.
His actions and lack of respect for your feelings would have made your future life with him intolerable.

He sounds as though he was too weak to face up to restructuring his life with a new partner, and expected you to be compliant in order to make his life easier.

But that would be no way for you to live, it would have destroyed your self esteem, and left you with no direction.

Your life can only be happier without this self-centred man in it. Thanks Thanks

bakedoff · 02/08/2020 19:10

Good for your brother and good for you! Stand your ground. Prick. The moment he turns up at the wedding with his ex, all his family will be talking about you “oooh look at that. They must be getting back together. Wonder what his GF thinks” your name will be dragged through mud. Disrespect. It will make it impossible for you to be accepted into that family. How does he think you’ll be able to face them all after doing this? It’s just not going to work going forward is it? His actions have made it impossible. He’s broken it all. He might think it’s the same as going away with a friend but it’s not.

OhCaptain · 02/08/2020 19:11

@Bibbitybobbottyboo you ok? Flowers

MsDogLady · 02/08/2020 19:12

...and he won’t stand up for me.

Bibbity, kudos for asserting your self-worth and ending this farce.

This weak man is emotionally unavailable to you. He wants to please his Ex at your expense. His agenda to exclude you from the wedding and share a room with her is an appalling slap in your face, as is his current blame shifting.

You have not had an equal partnership based on mutual love and respect. If he were truly committed, you would have a highly valued place in his life. You would know his children by now, and contact would be in your shared home. If Ex tried to dictate or refuse contact, he would take her to court. You’d have family status and he wouldn’t stand for anything less. You would be attending this wedding and he would be proud to take you.

You truly deserve better than a dead-end relationship with a cowardly man who expects you to accept diminished status so that he can lap up his Ex’s approval.

Quacks2020 · 02/08/2020 19:14

This is unbelievable. How he thinks is appropriate is beyond me!!!. Agree with others that he is gas lighting you.

He should want you there, you are in his children's lives too so surely all of you there together would set a much better example? .
Sharing a room!!! Oh wow I would have hit the roof and kicked him straight out.
Have the people who's wedding invited you maybe and he's declined? Maybe he still holds a torch for the ex wife.

Keep us updated OP, if you let this go then the rest of your relationship is set to be miserable.

ShellieEllie · 02/08/2020 19:19

I'm sure you're feeling very upset at the moment but if you continue with this relationship I think you'd experience far more pain in the long term. Give him an ultimatum, you go to the wedding and become a part of the children's lives or you're drawing a line under the relationship.

Chloemol · 02/08/2020 19:19

Good for you, it will be difficult to start with, but remember his comments, Like it or lump it

No you don’t have to. You are supposed to be in a loving long term relationship and he should be telling his ex that the girls will be staying at his home, ie yours, and building a relationship with you.

I bet she’s had boyfriends she has introduced to the girls. If she kicks off then he gets solicitors involved. It’s important his girls see him happy with you, not assuming a relationship with their mother.

I get his priority should be his children, but not his ex, and he should have stopped her dictating

You have done the right thing, you deserve better than someone who is not prepared to fight for you at all

Ginger1982 · 02/08/2020 19:20

Glad you've chucked him. Don't take him back.

Aussiebean · 02/08/2020 19:21

Not much I can add op. Thinking of you though. Flowers

Jellybeansincognito · 02/08/2020 19:23

I’m so glad to read you’ve binned him off.
He’s gaslighting you and doesn’t respect you at all.

The excuse about money when it comes to a room, they’re split up... if she wants to go she can fund her own room.

Their behaviour must be so confusing for their girls.

Fanthorpe · 02/08/2020 19:25

I’m so sorry, what a sad way to find out where you stand, he’s treated you badly.

I hope you’ve got some real life support, and can find your feet again soon. He’s very foolish.

AlternativePerspective · 02/08/2020 19:26

you have to wonder how his family feel about all this don’t you?

If I went to a wedding with my ex and we decided to share a room my mum would ask me whether I’d taken leave of my senses. She would totally get us potentially going together and being amicable, but sleeping in the same room? Not a chance.

Added to which what self respecting woman shares a room with someone who has a partner? Me and my ex’s DP don’t exactly see eye to eye, but I’d still think her feelings were important in this.

Well done for getting rid.

Coffeepot72 · 02/08/2020 19:26

I’m so sorry this has happened, you must feel rubbish at the moment but you should not stay with a man who treats you like this.

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/08/2020 19:28

Keep us updated OP, if you let this go then the rest of your relationship is set to be miserable.

RTFT @Quacks2020!

Coffeepot72 · 02/08/2020 19:30

PS - the bride sounds like a complete cow

Standrewsschool · 02/08/2020 19:35

Not going with partner to the wedding is not the issue for me, especially if numbers are limited.

Getting on with with ex is fine, especially for dcs to see their parents amicable.

However, expecting to share a room with ex and playing happy families is overstepping the boundary.

Lozzerbmc · 02/08/2020 19:38

He is so in the wrong, trying to play happy families he is not considering your feelings at all and you live with him! You’ve done right thing in ending it. V painful now but less heartache in long run as sounds like he’ll always pander to her

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