Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

I’ve just sat and read your whole thread OP.
I’m so angry on your behind. Who does this bellend think he is?!
You are NOT worthless, but if you let this situation continue then that is how you would feel every day and your self esteem would be rock bottom. You deserve someone who thinks the sun shines out of you and puts you first (if no kids) or second if there is.
You’re bound to be upset for a little while, but you’ll start to realise that he’s just not worth your tears xx

Absolutely wrong and unacceptable! You are his family now, his girls are part of that. You should be going with him and she should be going alone. This is the new family setup and if he cannot support that then you know your answer!

Another issue is having minimal contact With the girls after nearly two years together- why?!!!

Run for the hills, find someone who will support his family and not be whipped by his ex.

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.

Well done, you've done the right thing. If you feel like forgiving him remember he wants you to feel devastated and worthless as it works in his favour. He doesn't care about you.

@Zaphodsotherhead

In no other relationship breakup have I ever heard of it being 'normal' for mum and dad to only socialise together as though still a couple 'for the children'.

Children can cope with relationship break up and parents having new partners. It will be far more confusing for them to have to pretend that mummy and daddy still love one another they just don't live together, especially when mummy gets a new boyfriend. Which is when I think this daft arrangement may come to a squealing halt.

You are well rid of him, OP. He's a gutless idiot.

I disagree with this in part.

DH and his ex have been places/events with DSD and without me on occasion (and Ex's new DH).

Personally I think it's been good for her to see them co-parent as friends with her having both their attention.

For example for a "big birthday" they went away for a long weekend to a place DSD really wanted to go. It was much better they did that than one parent missing out on that experience. I got lots of lovely photos and updates!

That said they've never shared a room nor would either of them have even suggested that and DSD is under no illusions they they will get back together (both lovely people just unsuited as a couple).

The other big difference is that I'm not excluded from DSD's life and we do far more with DSD as a family unit of DH/Myself/DS and the occasions they do something just the 3 of them I'm always asked if I'm ok with it.

Be proud that you have stood up for yourself, never ever be with someone who makes you their second best.

Well done OP!

I know you must be hurting terribly, but you have proved how strong you can be by telling him you won’t stand for it and getting him out of your life.

I agree with all the PPs - he has totally taken the piss out of you. You did really well to stand up to his gaslighting tactics. Well done setting your brother onto him to make sure he gets lost. It will be hard, but you will look back on this and be really proud of how you handled yourself

I'm so glad you have a supportive brother, @Bibbitybobbottyboo

As pp said, go Bibbity's brother!

You are well rid of this weak man.

Of course he should put his children first, and show them that he and their mother can still be in each other’s company.

But, they are divorced. You should be invited to the wedding as his partner, and so should the ex wife if that is what the bride wants. You all exchange pleasantries at the wedding and the kids run between the adults.

The fact that he panders to the ex, and won’t allow the children to spend time with you on her Instruction shows that he doesn’t see you as a long term partner.

He is gaslighting you and making you feel uNreasonable here. Your not. He is giving his ex all the power and treating you like crap.

You have done the right thing.

Oh and he can't pull the 'it's for the girls' excuse as if it was truly fit the girls he would be getting them used to the new family setup and show a united front with his ex and you!

As for she would make it difficult- he had 50% parental rights it's not her call. If she makes it difficult contact a solicitor. Two years you have put up with this, you deserve a medal. I absolutely feel for you.

My partner has a difficult ex partner and it's been a tough few years and continues to be tough. Balancing decisions between not creating a world war, not letting her dictate and above all decisions that are right for the children and the family. We have nearly split up over it and he's an absolute supportive rock! It's not going to get better if he doesn't see how damaging these decisions are to everyone involved not just you. I know it's hard but you really have to look after you because he certainly isn't. Find someone who truly loves you and will put your family life at the forefront of his decisions.

Also why is the ex being so difficult? She clearly isn't over him, nor wants him to move on from her. That's the exact reason my partners ex is like the way she is, wants him to be her personal doormat and no one else's. I ruined her plan. It's got absolutely nothing to do with the welfare of the children. And I think your situation is similar.

Bless you, you've done the right thing xx

@DeRigueurMortis totally different scenario to OP then.

It hurts now, but you're saving yourself a lot more hurt over years. To one deserves to be treated this way.

I had an ex who stayed with his ex when he was to see his kids. They were very overfriendly and I found out later that he had never got over her.

But he did also show me how it's possible to have a good friendship with an ex in this position. I have a close-ish thing with my eldest's dad. He broke my heart but I understand why he left.

But I wouldn't do anything within reason which made my current DP uncomfortable. Because I love and respect my DP and if someone isn't important enough to matter to you like this, then you're being unkind.

Your DP has been very unkind and I think you'll be so much better off without him. Good on your brother for being there.

stay strong

I'm arriving late to this but I feel so sorry for you but so pleased for you that you have a fabulous brother!

My take on it is that although odd, the ex being invited is sort of okay is they are still friends. But it's his family's wedding, so you, he and the kids should have been invited, and she separately. The fact that a member of his family has left you out of a family wedding when you have been with him for almost 2 years??! How awful.

What a message he is giving to his children, how confusing. He's giving a right old message to the ex too - she's in charge. The shared room should be a no no even if it's separate beds they will be changing in front of each other etc and so it's giving the wrong message to the DC.

I think you have proved you are NOT worthless. The exact opposite in fact. Pity he's going to realise it too late, the complete utter nob-end of a twazzock that he is.

I am so glad you have got rid of this pathetic excuse of a man on your terms too ! , speaking as someone married to a divorcee with an adult child .Child was 11 when we got together , ex wife very difficult , did'nt want him but did'nt want any one else to have him either !
Despite her being a pain in the arse ,not once did he prioritise her or disrespect me.
You deserve so much more than what he could ever give you .

@PinkiOcelot

Yes which is why I said I disagree in part and was clear on the different circumstances.

What I was trying to point out is that I don't think a partner/DH socialising "alone" with their Ex and child/children is always a "bad" thing which is what was implied in the post I quoted.

Just read your last post! You are an incredibly strong woman! You have realised how emotionally damaging this relationship is to you. You are not over reacting, you are not being silly, you are standing up for yourself when he should be. You are worth so much more, he doesn't truly love you deserve someone to treat you with the respect and love you deserve. Let him stew in his own toxic mess that he created.

Well done op stay strong and stick to it. To go and get on for the kids understandable, but to exclude you is awful and then gaslight you that you are being the awkward one. From all the responses you can clearly see your not! He will continue to treat you like this as long as you let him. Good luck.

@Bibbitybobbottyboo

I haven’t replied to him but I’ve rung my brother, he is going round now to my house with a couple of mates to “help him pack”. Part of me wants to forgive him, part of me is furious and the other part just feels devastated and worthless.

I’m glad that you have someone there supporting you and validating your point of view. He is right that it is in his daughters’ interest to see their parents being friendly. However, this does not need to exclude you and the shared hotel room is definitely unnecessary. He’s gaslighting you. There is a kernel of truth in his argument (being on good terms for the sake of the kids) but he’s manipulating this truth to cover for really questionable behaviour and accusing you of being jealous and controlling to boot. He sounds toxic. You undoubtably deserve better x

It’s shit now but in a couple of weeks you will see that you’ve done the right thing. He was well out of order (along with the bride actually) and it takes someone really strong to stand up and take action.

Oh my god, even though I don't know you, I am so proud of you and what you have done tonight. Just remember, he will never let you feel this low again, after today things will get a lot brighter and better for you.

Please, please, please, NEVER take him back! His behaviour is NOT normal.

We are all here for you to help you through this

The issue here in any event is not him not taking you to the wedding, or his plans to share a room with his ex, or even his kids not getting to meet you.

The issue is that he is a bad communicator as you didn’t even realise that you were not invited to the wedding so he never thought to sit down and talk you through his plan, then he reacted nastily when you questioned it and finally threw out a childish ultimatum that you might as well end things. Well done you for taking him up on it- he sounds disrespectful, immature and unpleasant. There are much better men out there.

So had his cousin invited you to the wedding?

Or just invited ex and girls?

Do you know his cousin? It's not clear whether you were invited but he's choosing not to take you.

Apologies for not having read all the responses, but IMHO he is still holding onto something and she likes having him on a string. To carry on as they are gives the children hope that the parents will reunite, so of course they are not going to want to accept someone else in the mix. Both he and his ex are being unfair, and to say that it's "normal" and you are being "unreasonable and untrusting" is completely unfair. If they've both moved on, then their families should accept that and either have both sets of partners at events, or one.

I'm sorry to say that unless he demonstrates some boundaries with his ex and his family, and makes it clear that this is unacceptable, for your own sake you need to move on. It's one thing putting his relationship with his children first, but this is something else altogether. Even if this resolves itself, something else will come up.

You deserve to be with someone who makes you a priority, and has the backbone to make sure that others do the same.

He's not only telling you how much your feeling mean to him, he's shouting it from the rooftops for all to hear.

I'd leave him without a backwards glance.