Partner going to family wedding with ex wife and their kids

[Bibbitybobbottyboo]

Just that really, my partner of 20 months moved in with me at Easter. He has two daughters, seven and four and has been divorced two years after she cheated on him. I don’t have much contact with them at the request of his ex and he won’t stand up for me.

There’s been a wedding pencilled on the calendar for ages, his side of the family, happening in October. It involves travelling up to Scotland on the Friday, staying overnight, wedding on the Saturday and driving back Sunday. Sounds ridiculous but I always assumed I was going with him. Cue a bizarre conversation this morning when I mentioned buying a new dress for the wedding only to be told that he was going with the girls and his ex and not me. Apparently his cousin who is getting married is still close to his ex and wants her there, and as such they feel it is appropriate to go as friends together. Their room is a twin room with two single beds and a set of bunk beds. I have to trust him that nothing will happen he says.

I feel devastated by it and he doesn’t take on board why. He just says that it is important to go as a family for their children.

It must be hard in a new step mum way to accept that you'll always come second to his children, but to come after his ex wife!!
Nope!
And the fact that he hasn't apologised and is telling you you're wrong about your feelings is awful.
You'll be well shot and hopefully find someone who's worthy of you!

He's a nasty piece of work trying to blame you for not being trusting. No one would be ok with this. It's not even about the ex it's about you being totally left out. He clearly doesn't see you as part of his family. I would chuck him out as fast as you can. The ex can take him in.

Yes he’s an upfront git. He’s not concealed his likes it or lumps it attitude
Being a transparent git it is in no way commendable. It’s just quicker to see

If he wanted his DC to have no/minimal contact with you - to appease his ex or for any other reason(s) - he shouldn’t have moved in with you. It was a mistake letting him.

He's made it clear how you sit in his priorites, time to send him packing.

He's so keen to spend time with his ex, well now he is free to spend as much time as he likes with her. His behaviour towards you, not just this, but the keeping his children away from you when you are serious enough to be living together is making an absolute mockery of you. What would have happened at Christmas, for example? All you have done is for this over sooner rather than later. Take solace in knowing that every other relationship he gets into in the future will go the same way due to his inability to man up towards his ex wife. He's spineless and disrespectful and you are well shut! You could tell this story to a 1000 women and I don't believe a single one of them would think he was being reasonable!

Well done for involving your brother, he will help keep you strong. Be proud of yourself. You are worth far more than this

@dozer yes, it was ill judged to move him in.Love can be like a transient psychosis

This is such a horrible situation OP.

I know you say you love him but if this is the way he acts just now it’s the way things will always be. Think about your future. How will Christmas work? When his kids are older and have parties or graduations etc will you be excluded?

If he isn’t willing to stand up for the woman he loves then I’m sorry but he’s not worth much. He’s standing up enough for his ex wife and kids though.

In fairness he’s being quite clear about where his boundaries are. In a way I quite admire he’s decided what is right for his children and is sticking to it.

He's sharing a bed with his Ex wife.. NOT the kids

Well done OP and what a great brother you have. All the best

Bloody hell OP I should think you are devastated. That is AWFUL.

My now DH was recently divorced when I met him and had two small children (7 and 4). Yes of course it's important that parents can continue to get on and be friendly in front of the children, and that the children's welfare is always top of mind. But you are the woman he supposedly loves and shares his life with. He is treating you so badly and you are absolutely doing the right thing. This man cannot really love you do this to you. I am so sorry.

They're not actually sharing a bed.

Is that your executive summary. Not sharing a bed
Ohh alright then

That was to BumbleBeee, by the way. Not to OP!

@BumbleBeee69 he has said it’s separate beds.

This must also be incredibly confusing for his kids....mum and dad aren't together but sleep in the same room/share a bathroom etc? Likely to give them false hope they will get back together. It really isn't in their best interests!

Oh bless you op! What a horrible way to find out that your ‘partner’ is a complete dick.

Do not back down. He was attempting to bully you and threaten you into going along with his plans. He didn’t think for a second that you’d end the relationship - he thought you were weak, but he’s finding out that you are not. He’s seeing you have self worth, even though you say you feel worthless and I admire you for that.

I hope he really enjoys the wedding, while he’s sat there thinking about how he’s only got his parents house to return to and no lovely girlfriend waiting for him.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but look at it as another step towards finding the person who will treat you as you want to be treated.

Xx

In no other relationship breakup have I ever heard of it being 'normal' for mum and dad to only socialise together as though still a couple 'for the children'.

Children can cope with relationship break up and parents having new partners. It will be far more confusing for them to have to pretend that mummy and daddy still love one another they just don't live together, especially when mummy gets a new boyfriend. Which is when I think this daft arrangement may come to a squealing halt.

You are well rid of him, OP. He's a gutless idiot.

When OP reflects on this relationship and talks to friends and family about it, there will v likely have been other indicators that he was not a good bet!

He'll probably tell everyone that he dumped you because you are a psycho.

Gaslighting shit.

On a practical level

Get a new bank card with new cvs (if he knows your bank card details he can shop online without being in possession of card)

Change house keys

buy a webcam for your house

Change bank pin

Block his access to your monies, did you have joint bank acc?

give him back any monies that are his

Well done

Stay strong. You will be with a much better man in your future.

You loved the man you thought he was. He's now thoroughly proved that he is not that man. And the man he is would keep you in this situation. Forever

This

Even with friends, you don't really know the person until you find out what their worst faults are. Personally I don't know if his worst fault is thinking that this treatment of you is ok, or all the gaslighting that has come afterwards.

This is definitely not you, OP. I'm so glad you have your boundaries well in place. You will miss the person you thought he was, but don't waste any more of your precious life on this bloodsucker.

@Bibbitybobbottyboo no, you’re not worthless. You’re strong and aren’t giving into the gaslighting. I’m glad your brother will be there to make sure he leaves.

You’ve been together for nearly 2 years so it’s not a brand new relationship. If he really cared about you then he would’ve actively included you in the family. He would’ve introduced the girls to you and stuck up for you. He is spineless, that’s why he didn’t tell you about the wedding arrangements earlier and didn’t let his daughters meet you.

Like someone else said earlier: he’s treating you like “a land lady with sex on tap.” You’ll feel so much better when he leaves. You will no longer feel paranoid due to his gaslighting.