Not as attractive as

[SillySallySingsASong]

I feel really stupid typing this but I'm going to anyway because I need people to (kindly) tell me to get a grip.

I'm mid 40s. I've been seeing a man (early 50s) since November.

I met several of his friends and their partners before lockdown and a couple since. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly and they all seem like nice people.

It bothers me that all of his friends have partners who are slim and very attractive. I'm not. I'm a stone heavier than I'd like but, even if I lost it, I still wouldn't be slim and I still wouldn't be anymore attractive.

I'm pretty average looking and I know his exes have all been slim and attractive too.

Firstly, it makes me feel inadequate and I'm very conscious that everyone in the room knows I'm less attractive than them/their partners. It makes me feel awkward for him and I hold back from being affectionate etc because I don't want to embarrass him . Secondly, he was single for 5 years or thereabouts before meeting me and I'm conscious that he might just be 'settling' because I know that although he was content being single and had forged a nice life out for himself, he really does want a 'life partner'. I'm confident that I'm not the woman he would have wanted or imagined himself to he with.

I was also single for a few years. I have no problem with being single or fears of relationships ending. My only real fear is being with someone who has a little pang of 'sadness' at not having been able to attract the sort of woman they want/used to he able to attract or with someone who is settling for me because they want a partner and I'm willing so better than nothing.

I know all the stuff about it being more than looks etc but I can't help how I feel.

I think he does want to make an effort. He did over the weekend and I think we both felt the benefit of it. I don't expect him to change and be something/someone he's not. The issue was more that I didn't know whether he was being the way he was through lack of interest or whether it's just because it's the way he is. I'm still not certain tbh. But the fact he wants to make an effort (and did) must say something? When we talked, he told me things about his history that mean I understand his reticence to jump straight in. And, tbh, it's preferable to, and more honest than, the lovebombers who tell you they love you on the 3rd date! 🙄

Am I in love with him..? No... I could be; there are times when I've felt 'something' but it's quite transient because I don't really allow myself to 'feel' like that. My emotions are there but they are kept in a locked box, on a high shelf, in a dusty room, up a staircase and along a dark corridor. I can let them out if I want but I generally don't.

At the moment, we couldn't live together for 4 years due to my circumstances. I have a 14 year old daughter and I wouldn't really move her home/school for a man. He works from home and I don't have the room to accommodate his work space here.

What is holding me with him? That's a good question. I suppose, I always bail; always keep one foot out of the door; always 'protect' myself. I feel the need to explore whether I can actually have a real relationship. We have a number of mutual friends. I'd liked him from afar for a couple of years and we'd only spoken occasionally before we got together. I'm very rarely attracted to someone. It feels a bit like it was 'meant to be' so I want to give it a chance. He was right that I do things to protect myself and keep him at a distance and I want to overcome some of those. He wants to make sure things are 'right', not jump headfirst into a deep relationship that is wrong for either of us. Obviously, all the stuff like I fancy him, I like him, I enjoy his company and we have similar values goes without saying.

I think part of my difficulty is that I always jump to the worse case scenario. I know why that is but it means I don't have a reliable response.

My 'gut instinct' is unreliable because it's always on high alert. Which is one of the reasons I keep people at a distance - it doesn't matter if someone let's me down if they aren't able to hurt me, for example. But it means I can't tell whether a situation is one that I should be concerned about or not. I try to adopt a 'wait and see' position and I know there is no point worrying about something I can't control. I use CBT strategies (STOPP technique) to manage my feelings and responses but sometimes, the unease is constant and so I'm running through it continuously. At other times, I feel nothing.

It isn't he, specifically, who makes me feel like that, it's how I've always felt when I've tried to have a relationship and why I always exit within a few months. The longer it goes on, the more I'm feeling it because the further away I am from my comfort zone.

Plus I'm also aware that the 1 year mark will be here before I know it and, at that point, I will need to make a decision on whether to continue it or not. Regardless of what he says.

This all sounds very emotionless doesn't it? That's probably because they're all locked away in the box again.

OP, sorry to jump on your thread out of nowhere, but I just wanted to offer you my two cents - I apologise if its out of line.

I just spent a while reading through all of this and the thing that really jumped out at me is how similar your feelings/reactions are to mine at times, esp the feeling worse about yourself in a relationship part. I have something called c-PTSD, and my worst symptom is what is called "toxic shame". Have you heard of this? Im not sure itd totally resonate but perhaps you could look into it, because the methods of treating it are very different to other issues and may explain why therapy hasnt been a total success for you. It also tends to run hand in hand with attachment disorders, which another poster mentioned.

Regardless of diagnosis or lack thereof, you may want to look into trauma informed therapy if you havent before. It seems like you have had quite a bit of trauma and maybe itd be helpful?

Again, sorry if this came across preachy or know it all, I really hope it didnt, I just wanted to share as i too havent really had success progressing past my issues, and it was all because of the nature of my disorder and not receiving treatment tailored towards it.

Best wishes

curlymacv Wow. Please don't apologise. I've just read a few articles on/descriptors of toxic shame and it describes how I feel exactly.

My mum disciplined through shame and humiliation. Shame, humiliation, anger and sadness were pretty much the only emotions I was allowed to experience growing up. Any 'positive' emotion was mocked and shamed out of me. In fact, I was only allowed to feel sadness and anger because they were negative emotions and both were elicited often. I was an ugly crybaby when I was sad and I was unloveable and there was something wrong with me when I was angry. I suppose it's why my feelings are all locked away in that box on a high shelf. They're safer up there.

I've had counselling/therapy to address the relationship between my mum and me and to deal with feeling unloveable and to improve self esteem - which why I have lots of day to day strategies (some of them healthier than others) and why I understand it was her and not me, but, although I've talked about experiencing shame a lot, it's not really been tackled.

I don't think my mum ever saw anything positive in me. She was certainly never proud of me. I lived my whole life with criticism. It didn't stop when I reached adulthood. I could fill a thread with all the negative things she said. I can recall one (almost) positive.

I think that if you are both happy day to day and you make each other happy then that is fine. If that isn't the case, then shelving it for a while, while you deal with other issues, will mean you go into the next relationship with him or someone else on firm ground.

I have been close to someone who sounds similar to you. Like what the other poster has said, about cPTSD, there is a lot of expertise and good academic research around all these issues and a good psychiatrist would have that broad knowledge base and whereas many therapists and counsellors without that background simply would not which is why you are still revisiting the hurt caused by your mother

I think putting your feelings away on a shelf is a fairly common way of dealing with things day to day, the important thing is to get them down and process, as otherwise they come out in unpredictable behaviour.

The key things as I understand are that people who have not been given the right attention when young (a) have less sense of who they are, and (b) have a poor understanding of what emotional intimacy looks and feels like and therefore less understanding and familiarity of social "rules" around emotions and boundaries. Because of this it can be impossible to make sense of things and so it is as though you need to change into different people in different situations. This is less than ideal and very confusing for you and for others. With the right help, you get right back to foundations, work out your real, consistent, thoughts and feelings and start to build on real foundations. It is almost like having that part of your brain rewired. It would change how you view relationships and how you and others fit together and how to choose partners.

An example of your inner conflict I think is I've found that men have been affronted by my failure to apologise for myself and not be crippled by self doubt and insecurity whereas your opening post was full of insecurity. In your later post you seemed critical of your partner for something which may not have been their responsibility. I think it is unfair for posters to highlight that he is middle aged and a slight tummy and bald in a thread about looks not mattering - if it applies to women it should apply to men too!

Being in a relationship seems to magnify all of my flaws to me and holds a mirror up to them too if you think about it, this might be because a relationship requires intimacy and that is the only area of your life where you are not "sorted". But also, and trying to say this as gently as possible, your posts come across as self absorbed but lacking in a balancing self awareness and how you fit in withothers. You might in fact cause hurt to people around you - even though that sounds difficult to process as your hurt is so strong.

Anyway, as I said above I am only saying all this as you have posted so much. You have said that other posters get annoyed and actually I don't think that that is right, the annoyance is only where facts change, if you linked previous posts and said you were still struggling you would still get support. It would also help you as you would be reading earlier posts at the same time and it would make you more aware of conflicting thoughts and feelings.

I am sorry this is so long. Agood psychiatrist would be able to analyse your thought processes and point you in the direction of the right therapy for you.

Best of luck