Not as attractive as

[SillySallySingsASong]

I feel really stupid typing this but I'm going to anyway because I need people to (kindly) tell me to get a grip.

I'm mid 40s. I've been seeing a man (early 50s) since November.

I met several of his friends and their partners before lockdown and a couple since. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly and they all seem like nice people.

It bothers me that all of his friends have partners who are slim and very attractive. I'm not. I'm a stone heavier than I'd like but, even if I lost it, I still wouldn't be slim and I still wouldn't be anymore attractive.

I'm pretty average looking and I know his exes have all been slim and attractive too.

Firstly, it makes me feel inadequate and I'm very conscious that everyone in the room knows I'm less attractive than them/their partners. It makes me feel awkward for him and I hold back from being affectionate etc because I don't want to embarrass him . Secondly, he was single for 5 years or thereabouts before meeting me and I'm conscious that he might just be 'settling' because I know that although he was content being single and had forged a nice life out for himself, he really does want a 'life partner'. I'm confident that I'm not the woman he would have wanted or imagined himself to he with.

I was also single for a few years. I have no problem with being single or fears of relationships ending. My only real fear is being with someone who has a little pang of 'sadness' at not having been able to attract the sort of woman they want/used to he able to attract or with someone who is settling for me because they want a partner and I'm willing so better than nothing.

I know all the stuff about it being more than looks etc but I can't help how I feel.

Part of the problem isnthatnive askedyself and told myself what everyone is saying so many times over the years, that I've pretty much got an answer for everything.

And even when I can respond positively, there's always a caveat.

My own experience is a long more compelling than what I.might be told in therapy.

I do yes. And whilst they are obviously more than that, that is what attracts men to them. which is the perspective I was talking from.

This was your answer in regards to someone saying you seem to know a lot of petite, cute, lovely women.

The thing is, you don't know what has attracted men to them. Maybe it's those things in a physical sense, maybe it's their kindness, maybe it's their sense of humour... on the flip side maybe some men fall for them purely for their looks then treat them poorly because they don't care about the other bits of them.

You are objectifying women / reducing them to set "type" which is in turn affecting your self image - I do think that's worth looking into a bit more.

You I think are a bit blinded by how a woman looks and make your judgement about their "type" and the reasons people would be attracted to them before really getting to know them. So you assume men also do that - but not all do.

Something worth exploring in counselling as it's unhealthy.

OP, You have said that you know and understand a lot of the things that have been said on this thread but it doesn't change how you feel inside. I can understand that.......But what are you going to do to try and change the way you feel?
You sound very unhappy and life is too short to feel this way.
I'm sorry to refer back to therapy but I have often heard it said that not every therapist is right for you. I think you also mentioned that you have had therapy when you have been single and felt stronger and better about yourself then. What about now you are in a relationship and actually experiencing all these feelings in real time? Would it be worth looking into other types of therapy to see if you can move forward and actually try and tackle the route causes of your feelings?
From your posts it seems like you are resigned to feeling like this but I really think if you can address your low self esteem and lack of confidence in yourself it would make you realise that focusing on your looks is self destructive.

Yes these petite cute sweet women, are they also clever, funny, good at their jobs? When you know someone, their looks don’t come into it if you get along and accept them as they are.

I'm guessing they're all top in their respective fields and modelled in order to help pay for their Phds. It's warm in London, wondering what the weather is like in Stepford.

My parents put a huge amount of emphasis on looks. My dad left for someone who was, essentially, a younger version of my mum.

Without wishing to oversimplify, you're still trying to climb out from under the weight of this in your own life. But you must. You have one precious life to live - don't spend any more of it living in fear of this happening to you.

My own experience is a long more compelling than what I.might be told in therapy.

Then you haven't yet found the right therapy or therapist. Again, you need to do this.

I've pretty much got an answer for everything

I can see that. But those answers aren't working for you in giving you a fulfilling life, are they? To borrow a phrase, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

First of all he is with you because he wants to be, no one is holding a gun to his head, your post makes me feel sad that you feel this way about yourself, I’m overweight but not once have I felt insecure about the way other women look, it’s not all about looks anyway, does he make you happy? I’m married to a lovely man who I love very much and know he loves me, does he complement you! I’m sure he is with you because of everything you are Op, I’ve just read your post that says you tried online dating and met a few men who didn’t think you were slim enough, well that’s their loss, nobody is going to fit everyone’s ideal, I can understand a bit more as I read through some other of your posts, to be told you weren’t pretty enough or that you didn’t have a good enough figure for a man to fall in love with, bloody hell thats unkind says so much more about the person that said that to you, a man that walks 6 feet in front of you as he was embarrassed about your looks, that’s just pathetic what a loser,this is all in the past and I feel you should relax stop thinking of who is good looking etc and focus on having fun, it must be really difficult having all these negative thoughts going round in your head, maybe CBT would help you

So he rarely compliments you or shows affection and he has many attractive, slim female friends?

I would be very insecure if I was you too. I am in my early 30s and I just wouldn't stand to be with a man like that. He is obviously part of shallow friendship group and you feel the odd one out as would many women.

Why stay with a man who makes you feel like shit?

You can never see your own beauty a friend once told me
and I think it’s true xx

I feel like I'm just being honest with myself and pragmatic.
No, you're not. You're sitting there focusing on and thinking at length about all the most negative things you can find to think about, and compating it with the most positive description of these women that you can possibly muster, as if you were deliberately trying to make yourself feel as shit as possible.

You could also focus on some of the positives, or even decide that you're going to be a bit nice to yourself and ignore your self-doubt.
But no, you're going for the full self-torture package. How is that pragmatic? A pragmatic person would say "Well, he's going out with me - if he's settling then that's his own stupid fault! I may as well enjoy being with this nice man and avoid torturing myself as that makes me feel bad."

OP is he keen about sex with you? Because if he is...you actually need to respect him and his choices and what he likes...which is....you. You are actually minimising HIS feelings...maybe only in your head. But he made his choice! Some amazing guys never pay compliments. Some utterly shitty men spout them constantly.

If he’s been friends for years with several “petitions cute women” that would sort of suggest petite and cute aren’t his type or they wouldn’t be friends

Secondly, he was single for 5 years or thereabouts before meeting me and I'm conscious that he might just be 'settling' because I know that although he was content being single and had forged a nice life out for himself, he really does want a 'life partner

This is a really backwards way of looking at it OP, he'd already waited 5 years for the right woman, why would he suddenly at the five year mark decide to "settle" for something???

I would say that do is fussy over his partner if he has been single for 5 years but surely then it's a compliment that you are his first relationship in that time?

Precisely!

Maybe he realised that all the other slim ladies didnt work out. Remember that they are exes for a reason.

But please work on your self confidence. Tell yourself something positive every day in the mirror if you can. And focus on getting healthy and be positive. If this is a good relationship, this is exciting!

You have posted about this a few times over the last couple of years? I remember the ex walking 6 feet ahead. It has been rocky at times?

I have tantrum. I can't make it better.

Thanks for all the replies. I did type out a long response yesterday but lost it and didnt have time to retype.

I've realised something this morning.

When were round at my friends' at the weekend and he was so kind and warm and and attentive. To them. Full of compliments and a general relaxed and engaging demeanour around them. It was the first time they've properly met him and thought he was wonderful. And, as an observer, he was But he was so cold around me. Always perfectly nice and respectful - checking I had a drink etc but no emotional/physical warmth or affection at all.

Towards the end of the night, my friends were cosied up together around the campfire and he just sat next to me with his hands in his pockets watching the fire. I put my hand on his leg and he just ignored me and sat staring at the fire with his hands in his pockets. I moved from where I was sitting for a clearer view of the starts and he followed. I went to kiss him and he told me I was "so demanding". Kind of 'joking' but it's not really a joke.

It's hard to explain. There were a lot of small, insignificant harmless jokes at my expense - gentle ribbing over things I take the mickey out of myself for and have no problem with but nothing positive to counter it. No reassurance, no affection, no connection just nothing at all.

I don't think he dislikes me - he's happy to spend time in my company - but I don't see how he can have any feelings for me.

I don't even know if it's worth trying to talk to him about it. We've got so many mutual friends, it would be difficult to walk away and just never see him again. I really had hoped this time might be a bit more positive but I feel like I'm back where I always am.

And I guess that's the best evidence I've got that he's 'settling'.

Oh op :( it's so hard and sometimes with low self esteem you see things that aren't there, but you also may be attracted to people who see your low moodd see that as you. Do you have friends you

Can talk to about this? See what they think?

Do you talk about your feelings a lot to this new bf?

Lelophants I have a couple of friends incould talk to about this - the ones we saw over the weekend and a very close mutual friend.

But I don't really want to have to admit to it all.

No. We don't talk about feelings at all. Is he aware of how I feel generally? Probably, he's quite perceptive.

I don't think he's the right man for you. Not feeling attractive enough can be partly low self esteem but he's not making you feel special enough, when you have a close connection and there's strong feelings, you wouldn't be able to stop touching and kissing in the early days, I wouldn't wait around for him to eventually dump you, you can decide he's not enough for you and move on to find a man who can give you more affection.

seensome sadly, that's the conclusion I have come to now.

I don't think I'll be bothering again though.

I've not managed anything even vaguely positive in nearly 30 years of relationships/dating. I can't imagine it's going to start now.

I'm not going to get in touch. I'm going to leave it and if/when he suggests getting together, I'll discuss it with him then with a view to ending it.

It sounds as though he doesn't want a relationship with you, from your last two posts. But I very much doubt it is to do with your appearance. And I think that this is the life lesson for you here. It is nothing to do with what you look like on the outside, from what you have said.

If I was with someone I was in love with and they were objectively shrek-like I would be very insulted if they thought I was "settling" and I would probably realise that it wasn't going to work for that reason alone - it would feel as though they were doubting my integrity and my character. I couldn't care less if someone looks shrek-like - it is how they are on the inside and how suited we are in other ways that matters.

But here his behaviour is clearly showing that he doesn't want to be with you - not showing affection, not being attentive, not wanting to kiss you. You are ignoring these things. I think you have been told this quite a few times and you are still thinking it is to do with your appearance. It isn't.

Once you have got over him, think about whether you are happy with your appearance. If you wanted to enhance your attractive features you could - hair style, hair colour, specific exercises for specific parts of the body, how you dress. There are amazing work outs on youtube you could do which literally shape your body, make it a different shape. You could make yourself one of the those "attractive" types if you wanted to. If it is done in a life affirming way, making you happier, not judging those people who don't want to, then there is nothing wrong with it, not shallow.

So the answer is here is that you are in control. You either choose to stay in the wrong relationship or move on. You choose to be happy about how you look or change it - and yes you could change it substantially before you start saying "but I will never look like them..."

Going back to what @MarkRuffaloCrumble said about how she makes her partner 'feel',

This is what Iv learnt over my years, is that yes a man is usually attracted to a woman's looks.. however that doesn't make him stay.

We stay we with our partners because of how we feel, with and around them.

Iv dated some absolutely gorgeous men, however those relationships haven't last because I don't feel content, cared for, connected, respected and all those things you want in a life partner.

You stay with partners because you feel safe and loved.. for me it's all about how you feel in that person's presents.

Also about your vibe.. when you are feeling like this you will be sending signals to him of being discontent and low, through your body language. Weathers or not he can verbalise it, he will feel it.. and that's very unnerving.

I really hope you can find some peace and assurance in yourself.

He is with you because of how you make him FEEL..

Sorry this had been ramblie, I hope you get a sense of what I'm trying to say x
'

tantrumtraining yeah, you're right 😔