Not as attractive as

[SillySallySingsASong]

I feel really stupid typing this but I'm going to anyway because I need people to (kindly) tell me to get a grip.

I'm mid 40s. I've been seeing a man (early 50s) since November.

I met several of his friends and their partners before lockdown and a couple since. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly and they all seem like nice people.

It bothers me that all of his friends have partners who are slim and very attractive. I'm not. I'm a stone heavier than I'd like but, even if I lost it, I still wouldn't be slim and I still wouldn't be anymore attractive.

I'm pretty average looking and I know his exes have all been slim and attractive too.

Firstly, it makes me feel inadequate and I'm very conscious that everyone in the room knows I'm less attractive than them/their partners. It makes me feel awkward for him and I hold back from being affectionate etc because I don't want to embarrass him . Secondly, he was single for 5 years or thereabouts before meeting me and I'm conscious that he might just be 'settling' because I know that although he was content being single and had forged a nice life out for himself, he really does want a 'life partner'. I'm confident that I'm not the woman he would have wanted or imagined himself to he with.

I was also single for a few years. I have no problem with being single or fears of relationships ending. My only real fear is being with someone who has a little pang of 'sadness' at not having been able to attract the sort of woman they want/used to he able to attract or with someone who is settling for me because they want a partner and I'm willing so better than nothing.

I know all the stuff about it being more than looks etc but I can't help how I feel.

@myhumps123

Oh my what's this mumsnet obsession with blonde hair and being tall being more attractive. Most of these women are blonde thanks to a box dye. Monica belluci, Michelle Keegan, Irina shayk, Selina Gomez must all like like trolls because they have the dreaded dark hair. OP there are men who like the dark exotic looks, there are some men who love Latino and Asian women and on the whole we do not dye our hair blonde.

Yep. And tall isn't necessarily more attractive to men than short. I'm very short and have never had any problems attracting men. Most men are not that bothered at the end of the day about your height, whether it's short or tall or average.

I don’t do all those things for him to make up for the fact that I’m unattractive!

Sorry, I wasnt suggesting that you do. I get what you're saying. I just feel that I would be doing it to make up for the fact I'm unattractive to him.

Those things you'd describe, i do those too and i know he likes it but i get nothing back.

And tall isn't necessarily more attractive to men than short. I'm very short and have never had any problems attracting men

I really was just describing a single, living individual. Not extrapolating from that she represented the only version of attractive.

It just felt like I was meeting one more really attractive women and I just don't measure up.

OP, I wonder if there is a way to talk to him about these issues? Tell him you feel there's not much affection... I don't think you're getting enough in this relationship. I wouldn't be happy either with what you describe.

By having a chat about it maybe you can find out why. It could be he's not that into you (which is not a reflection on your worth.)He probably won't tell you that directly but his response or how he approaches this might make it clear in some way. Or it could be he's not an affectionate person at all (I've been with someone like that), in which case you need to reconsider whether this relationship meets your needs.

Exactly; liking something in another person doesn't automatically mean that you do that thing yourself. I like/admire people who are open and show their emotions, but I am rubbish at doing it myself.

hammie46i
I'd really like to talk to him about it.

I just don't know at I'd say.

I'm ok with a relationship ending.

I guess the crux of it is that it just doesn't make sense.

He has introduced me to his friends and their partners. I've been included in social events he didn't have to invite me to. He's been keen and quick to involve me in his life. His family know about me and ask after me. He attends my social things even when not really convenient or of interest to him. He asks for and takes notice of my judgement on things. He makes sure I'm comfortable - physically and mentally. He 'takes care' of me and he respects my boundaries. He shows an interest in my hobbies.

But, at the same time, I feel like an irritation on occasion. He isn't forthcoming emotionally and isn't affectionate and sometimes I get the impression he doesn't actually like me very much.

I'd agree that he just doesn't want a relationship with me but he clearly wants a relationship. Which is why I think he's settling. I think he's happy to go along with it so that he isn't on his own.

@hammie46i I find alot of men actually like petite women, even very tall men. Petite women definitely have a bigger pool of men to choose from than tall women. And for anyone feeling insecure about their brunette hair, it's not hard to get a blonde box dye from boots.

I'm not sure why blondes are being slated for using box dyes, actually us blondes are more likely to spend £100's getting professional highlights done! and Brunettes, red heads also use dye's too! very few women have their virgin hair colour. Just saying :D

I don't think that blondes are being slated. People are saying that if you're brunette, you can easily go blonde.

Read humps post

I feel like an irritation on occasion. He isn't forthcoming emotionally and isn't affectionate and sometimes I get the impression he doesn't actually like me very much.
Do you think that he might be crap at expressing himself, so that instead of complaining when you do something he doesn't like (which happens sometimes in any relationship), he keeps it all in and lets the annoyance fester? This sounds as if it could be the gritted teeth of a potential passive aggressive.

Hump said that brunettes like OP can dye their hair blonde.

Humps suggested other colours other than blonde are natural, like Latino it Asian, I don't agree and was just saying, also we don't just tip a box dye on it, I thought it was a bit ignorant.

Very few people have naturally blonde hair. Most people with blonde hair have dyed them.
Also this obsession with blonde hair, being tall, slim and blue eyes being more attractive then dark hair and petite has shades of racism to it. It's obvious that black, Asians and Latinos women have dark hair. Latinos and black in particular are curvy and Asian women tend to be petite. If we go by mumsnet standard of beauty first and foremost you have to be white because all that blonde hair malarkey is definitely associated with white people.
Mumsnet, ignorant as usual.

I'm happy with my hair colour. I chose it and it suits me. I have no idea if he has a hair colour preference or what it would be. My hair was red when I met him, its brunette now and he hasn't passed a comment on it either way.

ravenmum yes, I think he's a bit crap at expressing himself emotionally generally. He has told me a couple of times when I've done or said something that bothered him but I know there have been other times.

Its more that I've not got a clue. He hasn't even told me that he likes me. One day, after about 7 months, he referred to me in passing as his girlfriend and that's all that's been said about that. I just don't have a clue how he sees us.

Earlier, I was thinking I'd leave it until he contacts me and bring it up.

But I'm not sure if it would be better for me to phone him this evening and just explain.

I've thought a few times that I'd bring it up when i saw him but i haven't been able to find the words or the time or it hasn't felt appropriate.

I can't say anything when there are other people around.

The little comments he makes to me that i don't feel comfortable with are along the lines of gentle piss taking that, ordinarily, I wouldn't have an issue with and my friends and I do similar but because i don't understand the context or the backdrop, its difficult to address.

Tbh, i feel guilty just having addressed it on here. I don't want to criticise him. In many ways he's lovely. But I suppose not knowing the parameters means i just dont know how to take or respond to anything.

And, if he is settling, well, I'd rather step back because being 'settled for', or being in a relationship for the wrong reasons, is my greatest relationship fear. So i don't know if I'm viewing things through my 'fear filter'.

If you ask most men, would they like to date a confident, self-assured beautiful woman, or a confident, self-assured plain woman, of course they would prefer a beautiful woman. But that doesn't mean they can ONLY be happy with a beautiful woman. And as people age, they often realise it is what's on the inside that counts (as most of us get a bit less physically beautiful as we get older).

I think you are in danger of wrecking it for yourself by over-thinking your looks. He probably doesn't think you are beautiful. It sounds like it would be a lie if he said you were. But when you love someone, you often look past physical attributes. He might not be the kind of guy who will shower you with compliments.

How about , next time you make an effort to look nice, you ask him if he likes your hair/outfit/lingerie? See if you can fish for a compliment. And if you succeed, praise him and say how happy you feel when he says you look nice. Perhaps you can train him to flatter you!

HathorX thank you. Your honesty is appreciated.

Of course, i wouldn't expect him tell me I was beautiful but surely, if he were attracted to me, there would be something about me that he liked?

I always wear nice underwear but i wouldn't fish for a compliment. I feel they should be freely given or not at all.

Inwouldnt want someone to compliment me because they felt they had to.

You know what, OP, I think you need to turn it around. I’ve read this whole thread about what HE thinks, how HE feels, whether HE is really interested.

YOU ARE A PERSON TOO.

Are you getting what you need from this relationship? Is it sexually and emotionally fulfilling for you? Are you happy to have HIM on YOUR arm?

There’s so much about your posts that screams ‘settling for what you can get’.

If he’s what you want - the sex, the love, the emotions, the behaviour, the time together - then who gives a fuck what he wants? That’s putting it a little strongly, I know, but my point is - you’re putting SO MUCH ENERGY into agonising about whether you’re what he wants. Is he worrying in the same way about you? No. So just stop it.

I agree with a previous poster that you should go to therapy while in a relationship and explore these feelings. I also agree with the posters who are sceptical about whether he is the man for you. But most importantly you need to turn your thinking around. Every time you start worrying about whether he wants to be with you, ask yourself: do YOU want to be with HIM?

being 'settled for', or being in a relationship for the wrong reasons, is my greatest relationship fear
What childhood relationship would that reflect? A parent, a schoolfriend you felt rejected by? The effect of parental divorce? Having done some therapy myself and magically taken the sting out of some very deep-seated fears, I'd recommend trying out another therapist or two at some point. When you find the right one at the right time, it can be very useful. Your fear is obviously mucking up your ability to form relationships.

ravenmum my relationship with my mother. I've had therapy to address it. I know it was her and not an accurate reflection of me. But, when I look in the mirror ina relationship, I still only see what she saw.

SuzieCarmichael you're right. I'm putting an awful lot of thought into what he wants or is thinking. I want to speak with him about it really. And then i can make a decision based upon the facts and not how I 'feel'. Because I don't really trust my perspective.

I do think you need to let this go now, OP.

You don’t need to talk to him to answer my questions though, do you. Does he make you feel fulfilled - sexually, emotionally? Sit with your feelings and think about it for a bit.

Still a bit of a work in progress by the sound of it then.
Sometimes I think that you do have to just ignore the negative voices as much as possible and try to think what a confident person would do.
Here, it does sound to me too as if he is not offering you what you want.