Not as attractive as

[SillySallySingsASong]

I feel really stupid typing this but I'm going to anyway because I need people to (kindly) tell me to get a grip.

I'm mid 40s. I've been seeing a man (early 50s) since November.

I met several of his friends and their partners before lockdown and a couple since. Everyone was really welcoming and friendly and they all seem like nice people.

It bothers me that all of his friends have partners who are slim and very attractive. I'm not. I'm a stone heavier than I'd like but, even if I lost it, I still wouldn't be slim and I still wouldn't be anymore attractive.

I'm pretty average looking and I know his exes have all been slim and attractive too.

Firstly, it makes me feel inadequate and I'm very conscious that everyone in the room knows I'm less attractive than them/their partners. It makes me feel awkward for him and I hold back from being affectionate etc because I don't want to embarrass him . Secondly, he was single for 5 years or thereabouts before meeting me and I'm conscious that he might just be 'settling' because I know that although he was content being single and had forged a nice life out for himself, he really does want a 'life partner'. I'm confident that I'm not the woman he would have wanted or imagined himself to he with.

I was also single for a few years. I have no problem with being single or fears of relationships ending. My only real fear is being with someone who has a little pang of 'sadness' at not having been able to attract the sort of woman they want/used to he able to attract or with someone who is settling for me because they want a partner and I'm willing so better than nothing.

I know all the stuff about it being more than looks etc but I can't help how I feel.

You sound like a lovely warm person who looks at people in such a lovely way. It's a shame you don't look at yourself in the same way.

For me, it is the personality that makes someone attractive and makes me want to spend time with them. And when I find their personality attractive, I find their looks attractive. Looks like you are doing the same with others but not with yourself.

FTR - with real life dating, with relationships, with OLD initial looks have never had any bearing on my attraction to them and have turned down guys who are more traditionally good looking in preference for a man who makes me laugh, thrills me with his intellect and passion, hands down every time.

It has been a long time, around two years of him not showing you the love you crave. You need to seek the love elsewhere.

I've not managed anything even vaguely positive in nearly 30 years of relationships/dating. I can't imagine it's going to start now once you have moved on I would get counselling about relationships, about what you might be doing wrong in relationships. You will probably say "I have done that and they tell me looks don't matter but life experience tells me otherwise" but I think you should keep at it, and look within, because the way you so determinedly look at yourself in one rigid way may mean you are also looking at others in the wrong way, and it is that which is affecting your relationships.

Reading your recent posts I think you are doing the right thing in waiting for him to contact you and then talking to him about how you are feeling. Depending on what he says you can then make a decision on whether to end the relationship.
The more you have said the more it seems that he is a bit cool with his emotions around you. It doesn’t mean he is ‘settling’ though, maybe he is like that in relationships and not very demonstrative with affection? But nonetheless you are not happy and I think you deserve better.

tantrumtraining I've only been seeing this man since november. But I started dating someone a couple of years ago that lasted for a few months and it was no different.

It's never any different.

So yes, you're right, I would say that. I suspect the things within me that put men off are very deep seated.

Could you start keeping a diary of how you are feeling right now whilst in this relationship? I think you mentioned feeling stronger when you are single but when you are with someone all these feelings of low self worth come flooding back. Keeping a diary might be cathartic and also useful if you decide to try any other forms of therapy.

Also about your vibe.. when you are feeling like this you will be sending signals to him of being discontent and low, through your body language. Weathers or not he can verbalise it, he will feel it.. and that's very unnerving.

Yes, you're right. After all, it was a similar vibe I started picking up from him which started me doubting in the first place. He's told me he likes it when I'm physically affectionate with him but doesnt reciprocate.

Maybe I'm not so bad looks wise that he wants to walk 6 feet in front of me and maybe he isnt ashamed of me but he doesn't have feelings for me.

Could you start keeping a diary of how you are feeling right now whilst in this relationship?

That's a good idea actually. Thanks.

Look up Marisa Peer on youtube. I really agree with her message and it helped me. It's a simple one. ''You are enough''.

After you've listened to every single thing she has up on youtube, you will believe it.

You need to remember that he was single 5 years before you got together, therefore he is able and happy being single and does not need a relationship and is not settling for you. He is with you because he wants to be with you and he clearly is happy as you have met his friends. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Just to give you a perspective from someone who is apparently outwardly attractive, DP often has colleagues/friends comment on how good I look and he is "punching", I have mental health problems and have done for years. No one except family and very close friends know this. DP has supported me through some very tough times.

Looks aren't everything.

L8Bloomer thanks. I'll looker her up.

summersolstice43 that everything I've been telling myself but it doesnt explain the lack of affection. It's not like he's never affectionate and it's not only as a precursor to sex. But I can't get rid of the feeling.

Tbh, I'm well aware of my good points and my positives. Bu5t I lose sight of them when I'm in a relationship when I'm just acutely aware of my flaws.

To be honest, if he describes women as "demanding", I would assume that he is on the selfish side and resents women who want him to make an effort or who rein in his "freedom" in any way. Hence his history of skinny women breaking up with him. If you are quite easy-going and have relatively low expectations from a partner, that might have been part of the attraction for him.

Is he the man you would have wanted in a partner? Doesn't sound like it to me. I think you need to reframe this, not as "he didn't like me" but as "I was not satisfied with him".

OP you deserve so much better than he's giving you. I hope you find the right person as he doesn't sound good enough for you. Don't settle as you could be so much happier either single or with someone else.

I'd also suspect that the repeated pattern you describe involves you feeling as if you are no good and unintentionally sabotaging your relationships as a result, e.g. by becoming increasingly hesitant about the relationship the more uncertain you feel about your own attractiveness.

Honestly, as I've got older, I've realised that sexiness and loveliness is really from how a person acts and how warm they are. You aren't a photograph, you are a real person and it's you he is with not your body. That may or may not help but just be as loving and caring as you can be, that's what makes the best relationship.

So yes, you're right, I would say that. I suspect the things within me that put men off are very deep seated. see i dont think this is what was meant, i think something deep seated inside of you attracts the wrong men.
I think sometimes we attract the people or are attracted to the people who confirm our negative self belief.

Something jumped out at me here, you said when you're single you feel attractive and worthy. I wonder then why it is that when you're in a relationship your feelings change to "I'm just not an attractive person, that's a fact". I think it's not you, it's the men you're dating. This one in particular doesn't sound great. It doesn't matter what his female friends look like compared to you, but the way he treats them compared to the way he treats you. He was warm and attentive with them, cold and distant with you, his GIRLFRIEND. That's NOT because you're unattractive and don't deserve love and affection, it's because you're with the wrong person. Would you ever look at a plainer woman, see her boyfriend being cold towards her and think "well obviously she doesn't deserve to be treated the same way as a prettier woman"? I think not.

Be kinder to yourself, be with someone who makes you feel the way you feel when you're single. You're worthy of someone's attraction and love and attention. Make sure you're with someone who is worthy of YOURS.

something deep seated inside of you attracts the wrong men
I think it's not you, it's the men you're dating
This, too. Maybe because of the low expectations I imagined earlier, for example? Perhaps you are attracting men who don't want to make an effort, and feel as if they can get away with that, with you?

The way you view you will be different to the way others view you!
You may not believe your attractive enough but I bet there are others who more than do!
Be kind to yourself!

Oh my what's this mumsnet obsession with blonde hair and being tall being more attractive. Most of these women are blonde thanks to a box dye. Monica belluci, Michelle Keegan, Irina shayk, Selina Gomez must all like like trolls because they have the dreaded dark hair. OP there are men who like the dark exotic looks, there are some men who love Latino and Asian women and on the whole we do not dye our hair blonde.

Firstly, not everyone judges people by their looks, they notice them yes, but what sort of person you are is way more important. His friends are probably delighted that he has met someone nice after 5 years. Secondly, most people are average looking, that's how average works, some just scrub up better than others. Perhaps his friends are all well above average, but it seems unlikely. Thirdly, he obviously finds you attractive, and that's all that matters really. A stone weight is nothing, and even the most average looking woman can look well with nice hair and a bit of make up, i know because i am one. Chin up op, you are just as good as anyone else, and you are a fair bit younger than him too, so he probably considers himself very lucky.

myhumps123 it's not an obsession, I can only describe the person I met. It's not about the blonde hair, it was the overall package. His other friends have tall slim, attractive brunette wives/partners or red heads. My friends are mostly petite but still slim and attractive. Not skinny or perfect or stunning; not straight off instagram; not all modelesque; not all white. But women who are attractive physically and otherwise.

In general this doesnt bother me. I don't compare myself to them; my friends are lovely. The friends I've met of his are lovely.

His friends aren't 'shallow' as someone else suggested. Their wives and girlfriends aren't all looks and nothing else. Just genuinely attractive, intelligent women.

You may not believe your attractive enough but I bet there are others who more than do! thank you. I have not met them if there are. I'm mostly comfortable with the way I look. Most of the time i just ignore it. I tend to avoid having my photo taken because I dont like to be reminded but, other than that, I don't let my feelings stop me from doing stuff.

I play in a band and, pre lockdown, I'd be out gigging a lot. I've never worried about not being attractive enough for that and I'm on stage with people looking at me for 2 hours straight then! Because I know that I'm not just what i look like. But, when it comes to relationships...

just be as loving and caring as you can be, that's what makes the best relationship. that's what I've been trying to do but i don't think its enough. And with every little comment or joke or rejection, I'm just withdrawing. Two weeks ago, I couldn't bear the thought of ending it with him. Today though..?

I just dont understand how he can be so lovely and I can see it, he is lovely, with everyone else and just not with me. I'm not needy, I dont need constant attention but one kiss in 12 hours shouldn't be labelled 'demanding'.

It makes me feel awkward for him and I hold back from being affectionate etc because I don't want to embarrass him
Maybe he thinks that you don't like displays of affection, because you are holding back from being affectionate?

MarkRuffaloCrumble - I suppose I just don't want to feel that I constantly need to make up for the fact that I'm not attractive enough - give him reasons to stay with me in spite of that... it's not just a case of finding someone else who does find me attractive.

I think you’ve slightly missed the point of my post. I don’t do all those things for him to make up for the fact that I’m unattractive! I do those things because that’s the type of person I happen to be - I enjoy making people happy by doing thoughtful things, I’m the same with friends and customers etc.

My point was that I bring more to the table than instagram looks, and that maybe someone more conventionally beautiful would also do all that stuff, but what really makes my DP happy isn’t sharing photos of me in a bikini online to show the world what a catch I am, but sitting at home on the sofa having his arm stroked while we watch TV. I do honestly believe that he finds me attractive too - the way he looks into my eyes and the fact that whenever I kiss him, he is visibly excited at the prospect of where that might go, which I’m not sure is the case for you after reading your further updates. That is the problem - not how you look, but his lack of physical affection when thats important to you.

Maybe he thinks that you don't like displays of affection, because you are holding back from being affectionate

It's unlikely. I'm very affectionate generally and was more so before I realised it wasn't being reciprocated. He told me it was one of the things he likes about me. I've only starting withdrawing because I feel stupid and have kind of got out of the habit. I feel I no longer know if its welcomed or not. I am still, just less so.

If we are out walking, he never goes to hold my hand and, if I take his, he drops it as soon as he can. Usually, when we encounter other people. He will sometimes rest a hand on my thigh while we are watching tv, if we are with his friends or if someone calls him when he is with me. He talks about me and spending time with me to his friends. They all know about me.

He's happy to spend time with my friends and has participated in social things he wasnt really interested in for my benefit.

It just doesn't really make any sense to me.