Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

[cbeebies12]

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

[ChrisPrattsFace]

I would ignore what’s happened when he returns... while making plans to return to Aus and file for divorce.

[JeSuisPoulet]

I remember this OP - dd's dad used to drink in secret and come in hours late stinking of whisky slurring and insisting he was "just tired" then tell me the same stories over and over... It was insanely frustrating, boring and a massive waste of time. It's disrespectful to you and the children and his mood swings (assuming it's similar) will become increasingly hard to bear. Ex used to be rude all of the time - very alpha male - to pretty much anyone including my dad and friends. The big change for me came when he was meant to be looking after dd and I was meant to have my first night out and found him hiding vodka under the bed at 10am. I pretty much packed his bags for him. He turned up a couple of months later with a weekend bag trying to tell me that me filing for maintenance was going to kill him; he had kidney failure and one more drink would push him over the edge! Of course that would all be my fault...
They don't get better unless they want to. Agree with others that you should take advice before leaving the country with the baby IF HE IS ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE. If, like my joy of an ex, he decided to no show and sit in a bar on the day of registration, I am fairly sure you can do as you please.

[lavenderlove]

I hope your family can help you get back to them, you and your children deserve a life where you don't have to put up with an abusive alcoholic

[incognitomum]

Are you able to take dcs out of the country without his permission?

You should leave him in any case. He's despicable. Your dcs will be affected.

Save all evidence and start logging everything.

[Bingowin]

That text message from him is really really bad. What a disgrace he is.

You definitely need to get your children away from him,it's really not fair for them to have to live with someone as vile as he is.

I would deffo get back to Oz if you can. Credit card?? I appreciate the flight would be stressful with such little ones though.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Be careful.

Are they British Citizens? If they were born, registered and have lived here their whole lives then he could have you charged with child abduction if you removed them without his permission.

Rather than get the money for flights, see a solicitor to be sure of your rights and responsibilities.

[timeisnotaline]

Can you lock or bar the door so he can’t get back in? Ignore his messages , he’s pretty happy to leave parenting to you after all! The only thing you should take from his messages is that it’s better to have him at the other end of the phone than in your actual house.

It is tricky to get to oz right now as they have restricted international flights unfortunately. There is a Facebook group called aussie expats coming home who should have lots of practical advice about routes and what airports are allowing re children. Talk to your family and ask them about money but that’s not a speedy solution. (And have you registered the dc as citizens?)

[Krazynights34]

OP -
The rules about abduction are sometimes confusing but you cannot take the children abroad without his consent if he has parental responsibility.
Best advice you’ve had is to get help from organisations in the UK that will help your children and you.
He most likely won’t come home because he’s out to torture you. That’s his hideous alcoholic game. Don’t let him control you any more

[northprincess]

Please take advice first or you could make this even more stressful.

I hope you can leave.

[Longdistance]

@cbeebies12 I flew back to the UK on my own and back from Oz with dds 13mo and not quite 3yo. If I can do it there and back you can.
I can’t believe how he’s treating you. Can family help with the flight costs?

[Lookyloo]

Hold your horses now.

He has said to not shout at your children and called you a cunt.

At no point have you said that he abused you physically in any way? Is that correct?

I've have worse said to me on a good day!

[Lookyloo]

Why everyone has you moving back to Australia, I do not know. But I suggest that it's a bad idea.

[Lookyloo]

Unless you want to move back to Australia of course! I think you'll still need his permission though.

[REignbow]

How worrisome, but like PP have said he’s an adult and you need to prioritise your DC.

For those saying go back to Australia, she cannot go without his permission .

Also:

Parts of the country are on lockdown, due to a second wave.

She’d have to quArantine, with two toddlers in a hotel room for 14days (possible at her own expense).

Many flights are being cancelled and quantus have stopped all international flights until next year.

Also, the Australian government, are restricting their citizens/permanent residence travelling overseas. So if she goes, they may not allow her to travel back to the UK.

(I know this as l have Australian friends, who are unsure when they’ll be able to go home and see family)

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

That message he sent you is absolutely vile.

Do you realise that you are being abused? This is an abusive relationship.

It took me years to realise when I was in this morning situation. You often don't see it until just before you leave.

You and your children deserve so much better than this abusive addict. If there is any way of locking the door so that he can't get back in with his keys then do it. If he calls then tell him he he can't come in because it's not safe for you or the children. If he gets abusive then immediately phone the police.

[Iloveyoutothefridgeandback]

Seen all of the suggestions of flying back to Australia... how? I am in Australia and our borders are closed, and will be until at least July 2021, according to the PM. They allow citizens to come back, theoretically, but I'm not sure how they would travel at this point as all of our international flights have stopped. I think they occasionally organise flights to transport all of the citizens but it is grossly expensive and required pre planning. You can't just jump on a plane.

Once she gets here she will have to pay to quarantine in a hotel for 14 days, and then she will probably not be able to leave the country again.

The whole idea sounds like a non starter to be honest

[fflelp]

That message is vile. Truly awful.
I think you should end the relationship - that coupled with the alcohol issues.

[BritInAus]

As someone who has recently separated from an alcoholic partner of 12 years (also no family in this country and a young child involved) I can stay that life is a million times better without the addict in it. Be strong.

[Lookyloo]

How is the message vile? For starters he's accusing the OP of shouting at their children. Now I know we're not a jury, but is it possible that this is true?

[Sorka]

He’s vile.

Are you and your children Australian citizens OP?

[katy1213]

He's probably on a bender. Don't call the police; they won't be interested and you'd be wasting their time.
Do you actually want him back? If not, put the chain on the door and stand firm - because you're already three days into your new life and doing fine, so why go back? And you won't have to be 'strong enough to leave' because he's already left.
Whatever, don't worry about him. Bad pennies always turn up. And don't roll out the sympathy if he turns up puke-stained and hungover, it's self-inflicted.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@Lookyloo

How is the message vile? For starters he's accusing the OP of shouting at their children. Now I know we're not a jury, but is it possible that this is true?

Errmmmm....Cunt? Cunt again?!
I dont know a single person who has NEVER shouted at their child, so are we all cunts?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@Lookyloo

How is the message vile? For starters he's accusing the OP of shouting at their children. Now I know we're not a jury, but is it possible that this is true?

OMFG, you cannot be serious? He's told her to fuck off, called her a fucking cunt, and then cunt again and yet SOMEHOW the only thing you're focusing on is his accusation towards the OP of "shouting at the children"??
What is WRONG with you?!

@cbeebies12 - I have to agree that coming back to Australia is not the best idea while funds are short, even if you can manage it - the quarantine rules are that you must stay in a hotel for 14 days, and that's going to possibly cost as much as the flights again.

If you're still worried about your husband (understandable, although I'd be more on the fucking incandescent with rage side of things) then do you know any of his friends' numbers, or addresses, to see if they know where he is? He might be staying with one of them.

[sadie9]

He calls you a cunt, but somehow this makes you want to run and mother him.
In fact his drunken weakness provides fodder for you to go into Caretaker mode. Then that allows you to escape from your own uncomfortable feelings by focusing on his shit and his drama. But that means you bury your own needs and rights and the needs and rights of your kids. And that's not fair. They have a right to a life not overshadowed by a selfish self focused alcoholic.
You are not weak, you are in a Codependent behavioural and emotional loop. Look up books on codependency.

[Yankathebear]

@Lookyloo

Hold your horses now.

He has said to not shout at your children and called you a cunt.

At no point have you said that he abused you physically in any way? Is that correct?

I've have worse said to me on a good day!

You need higher standards.