Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

[cbeebies12]

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

[AFitOfTheVapours]

Hi OP
I was also married to an alcoholic and so sorry you’re going through this. @fucknuckle has it spot on and your description of his excuses to not attend AA for the last 10 months is absolute classic relapse denial and justification. Of course, it’s nonsense.

This is an awful way to live your life and an awful environment for your children that will scar them permanently unless you protect them.

I don’t believe you are weak. Nobody that lives in this situation, manages their children and manages not to have a total mental breakdown is hard as nails. You can do whatever needs to be done and that is to tell him not to come back until (Or if) he’s sorted himself out. You cannot have anything like a proper relationship with an active alcoholic and even with a recently recovering alcoholic. The two things just don’t go together and the abusive stuff is just going to wear you down completely.

Have you heard of Alanon? It is a sister organisation to AA but a for family members. They could be a really good support for you. They will help you to detach from his behaviour.

Maybe it sounds callous but I think you’ll hear soon enough if he’s got himself into serious trouble. Let him sort himself out and feel the consequences. It will help him more than your trying to rescue him.

I wish you loads of luck.

[Evilwasps]

He's trying to make you out to be the bad one so he can use your alleged behaviour, or 'anger issues' to justify his actions. But there is no justification for his behaviour or the language used in that message.

[oakleaffy]

OP, do you need the stress of an active Alcoholic?
Sadly people with alcoholism are not easy to live with ..{nor is any substance abuser} but if he is making it stressful for you, and being abusive and aggressive, maybe you need to be alone with your children?

He needs to sort himself out..{easier said than done, of course}
I know of at least three women who have suffered massive stress living with an alcoholic.
Drinkers are prone to self pity and not taking responsibility for their actions... Assume he has tried AA?

It must be extremely worrying for you.
If you are very concerned, alert the police, they may put out a 'search' for him.
This was done by one of the women I knew.
But this was a man who put his family through a very hard time saying he was going to commit suicide, and they were frantic with worry.
{He didn't, thank goodness.}

[Lauraa7]

I’m guessing your family are in Australia. Could they help you with the money? I know the 22 hours feels daunting (I’ve done it quite a few times) but the flight wouldn’t be busy, and it is one day of your life, to get back to you family for support. It would be so much better for the children to go now. It is so much harder as they get older.

[elvislives2012]

OP. That message is unacceptable and not something you deserve or should put up with. Please contact your family and see if they can help you. As a pp said it's a day of your life. You can do it

[oakleaffy]

@cbeebies12

Please don't put up with his problems..
I met what I thought was a ''witty, handsome, charming man''..........who was an alcoholic.
What did it for me was he passed out on the floor, I tried to wake him up, and he was in ''another world'' and accused me of being with someone else {nonsense} but he raised a fist up...
He didn't hit me, but no WAY was I going to tolerate that kind of behaviour.
He was like two people... kind and funny when sober, abusive and vile when pissed.
You do not want your babies suffering.
You WILL find strength!
Release yourself...cut loose the shackles ...and ignore the maudlin pleas to return.

[TheABC]

Deep breathes, OP.

Firstly; you have done the hard bit. You threw him out.
Now you have the time and space to work out the next step.

In addition to Women's Aid/Alanon, try the National Domestic Abuse Service.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Helpline: 0808 2000 247.

Remember you are programmed to think "it's not that bad". Abusers are charming; if they were awful all the time, no-one would ever stay in a relationship with them!

Good luck. Imagine a life where you are not on tenterhooks or worried about him drinking. It's waiting for you.

[oakleaffy]

*
Remember you are programmed to think "it's not that bad". Abusers are charming; if they were awful all the time, no-one would ever stay in a relationship with them!

Good luck. Imagine a life where you are not on tenterhooks or worried about him drinking. It's waiting for you

So true!
Alcoholics can be utterly charming when sober... but the Demon Drink beast on their shoulder is always looking to whisper in their ear....

''She upset you...Think how good a Vodka would feel right now'' &c&c.

It is said it is a ''disease''- it is certainly a compulsion.

But...not one you need to be dealing with.
Only HE can do that.

[Nanny0gg]

@cbeebies12

So I've been looking at how I get back to my family abroad.

Flights alone will cost £3,000 which we don't have. Plus travelling 22 hours on my own with two toddlers.

I'll need to think of an alternative.

Can your family help with tickets?

[Feralkidsatthecampsite]

The day I reported my drunken exh for drink driving was the end of my marriage.
Happened on a Sunday.
I filed for divorce in the Monday.
Didn't tell him for 2 weeks...
You can do this op. I had 4 x dc. And no family.
If mumsnet had been around 20 years ago my life would have been so different..

[SepticTankYank]

My father is/was an alcoholic and I see myself as strong. I categorically could not cope with my partner or husband being an alcoholic so I must commend your strength and resilience.

You should think about leaving now while your kids are too young to remember any bad times. His behaviour is not acceptable and you and your kids deserve more. What would you tell a friend or child that is in this position? Do that!

[cbeebies12]

Thank you again everyone for your supportive messages. I've read them all and have calmed down a lot. Still no sight or sound of DH though but I'm less worried for his welfare now and trying to concentrate on me and DC.

@Lauraa7 yes they're in Aus. They might be able to cobble together the money but I'm not sure how quickly.

[momtoboys]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[Noshowlomo]

How dare he stay another night away after saying he’s coming home. He doesn’t deserve to walk through that door again!!

[justasking111]

Neighbour has family in Australia, she gets updates on ticket prices daily, one day was less than £500 return. Keep checking prices or go into travel agent who can check for you. There is a problem with covid and visas for her at the moment which is why she is holding back.

[Tistheseason17]

Please ask your family to help with flight costs.

[GroggyLegs]

If going to Aus is something you really want to do (I definitely would want go back to my family), is there anything you can sell quickly?
Bikes on gumtree, webuyanycar, gold?

Good luck.

[Coyoacan]

It would be nice if you could go back to your family, but I'm not certain that you can take the children out of the country without the father's permission.

Sorry for the downer, OP, but you've still got to get out of this relationship. He has an addiction to alchohol that means he prefers alcohol to you and the children, while you have an addiction/love to him that you have to break if only for the well-being of your children.

[TicTac80]

I've RTFT and my heart goes out to you. My STBXH is an alcoholic and drug addict (found out about the latter - and the extent of both - quite late on). Spent 6 years trying to help him get sober (and believe me, there was plenty of help there - including private rehab etc etc).

Xmas '18 was ruined because of his antics and that was my final straw (actually it was neighbours of mine who mentioned to me then that they'd seen him drinking during day and then driving to pick up our 5yr old from school that did it for me. When I called him up on it, his response was, "at least I wasn't completely wasted"). It was one thing him ruining himself by drinking/doing drugs, another thing completely to put my DC (and other innocent peoples') lives at risk. It scared the crap out of me to separate (I thought separation where he spent a good few months at least working on things and proving he can stay sober/clean would do the trick and we could get back on track), but frankly when he then buggered off with a (now former!) friend, he did me a favour.

It's a wonderful feeling not having to constantly worry about his moods, whether he'll take off and go on a bender etc etc. It really is. Obvs, I wish that he could have got sober and clean, but that wasn't to be.

The one thing I would worry about, re: taking yourself and kids back to Australia (without his permission) is whether he might then try to apply to the Courts to have the kids returned? I'm not too au fait with this though. Maybe someone with more knowledge of the situation can.

Def try and get in touch with Women's Aid. Also, it might be worth flagging this all up with the police (wrt his abusive behaviour when he is drunk). I did that with STBXH. I also let the police know when he disappeared (just so that they have him on their radar), I worried that he might try and DUI (NB this used to be a guy who had a very respected job, and wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol if he was going to be driving anywhere - mad how things change) or overdose (he had a history of that too) etc. The police were very kind to me, and helpful.

Oh and BTW, none of this is your fault. Don't let him make you think that. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to drink loads and behave in such a way towards you. xx

[HollowTalk]

@tribpot

My guess is he's gone on a bender in order to frighten you, to stress you out and unsettle you. Then when he finally staggers back in you're so relieved your children's father isn't dead you don't want to have the row about what an arsehole he is. I would guess it's too late for you to go to a hotel with the dc tonight so that you don't have to spend the entire evening on tenterhooks waiting for him to come back / deciding whether to put the chain on the door and being woken up by him.

Exactly this.

[Pinksmyfavoritecolour]

If you have or can download zoom, there are lots of Al-anon meetings online at the moment, al-anon is for relatives or friends of alcoholics, look at their website.
Living with an alcoholic is hard, I had 20 years being you! Husband disappearing, the drinking til blackout, the unreliability. I look back now and feel sad I was too weak to change anything.
Luckily my husband eventually went to AA. Al-anon will help you see you can’t fix him, he has to want that for himself, but you can learn to put YOU first, it’s not a program to get you to leave him, it’s to help you detach with love. Be kind to yourself xxx

[WinnieLowCo]

He called you a cunt, so, game over.

I don't think he thinks you'll end it. HE thinks he's training you not to ''badger'' him about his benders.

[SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing]

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't be allowing him back, ever. He's an abusive alcoholic and you and your children are better off without him. Here's your chance to start over.

This. Just this.

[HollowTalk]

You are much much stronger than you think. He is much much further into his alcoholism than you think, too. He's playing a classic game as everyone has said. In his head you are the reason why he drinks.

It would be so much better for you and the children if you just got to Australia in any way you can. Get as much help as you can and your family and get going, away from this man.

[Holothane]

Oh the Christmas’s my ex ruined the feeling of relief on Christmas Eve if he met me at the train station I knew Christmas would be ok, please don’t live another Christmas with this awful worry, it destroys you 9n the end.