Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

[cbeebies12]

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

[cbeebies12]

I've just tried calling his phone again and it's now going straight to voicemail so either he's switched it off or ran out of battery.

[ChateauMargaux]

You are not weak, you have stayed at home looking after the two humans you grew and gave birth to and do not bury your problems at the bottom of a bottle when things get though. This strength will get you through. You may be here on your own which is undoubtedly difficult but there is help available if you look for it.

[NotOdd]

He has made you think you’re too weak. That’s what’s he’s done to you. You’re not. You’ve put up with his shit this far, you can certainly cope without it.

[lifestooshort123]

I'm sorry, it's really shitty behaviour. I wouldn't chase him or report him missing as that puts you on the back foot when he eventually returns. Personally, I'd double lock the front door so he has to ring the bell (puts you in the driving seat) and try and be calm and 'happy without him there' when you let him in. Give him something to think about. He'll be back when he thinks your worry will make you forgiving - good luck.

[AudTheDeepMinded]

Your babies may not understand what is happening but they WILL be affected by it. You are an amazing woman holding it together but they will sense the stress and anxiety and atmosphere. Don't let him poison their childhood like this. Being the child of an alcoholic will have far-reaching effects for them and their relationships and families. Break the cycle.

[KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband]

verbally abusive, angry, awful to be around

Focus on this. This is what will damage your children well into adulthood. This is what their normal will be. This is what they could end up with in a partner themselves as they'll see it as a normal relationship.

Where do you have family? Can you go there? An aggressive abusive alcoholic is not in the children’s best interests.

[Bitchinkitchen]

I don't think I'm strong enough to leave. I'm too weak

I'm sorry @cbeebies12 but you have children, you don't get to be weak. It is your responsibility to protect them, and forcing them to grow up with an abusive, aggressive alcoholic father is absolutely a failure to do so.

[compulsivesnacker]

Seriously? He’s an abusive alcoholic who has barely mustered the energy to call you a cunt in three days, and you are worrying he isn’t home yet?
Do your children a favour and kick him out for good. No child deserves to be brought up in the shadow of an alcoholic abusive father.
If you want to ruin your own life, fair do. But you are ruining theirs by staying. Don’t be complicit.
Be bloody angry at the way he treats you and get rid.

[cbeebies12]

Thank you so much for your beautiful messages of support. I've welled up and started to cry after holding it in all day trying to be strong for DC.

[Tempusfudgeit]

As the (mentally screwed) adult daughter of an alcoholic my question is this: If not now, when? He will not change so you have to if you want to protect your children from a lifetime of mental health problems. Do you? There is help available (al-anon for starters) but for the love of God don't wait.

[cbeebies12]

Family are oversees with strict border controls in place due to Covid so getting there at some point would be difficult but not impossible.

[jessstan2]

You must have had a reason to send him off on Monday so why not just chill with your kids for now. It's respite. He is foul mouthed as well as being an alky - but in fairness, we don't know he is definitely drinking again.

Enjoy being without the man for a while, you don't need him.

[Passanotherjaffacake]

I definitely would not waste my time worrying about this man. I really hope that you find a way to leave ASAP as this is no way to live and you have children who need you to protect them. I wish you all the very best in the world. Xx

[IloveBeefJerky]

LOL lock him out! This is your chance to spare your DC of a life with an abuser

[SunshineCake]

Why do you want him back ?

He's abusive, a drunk, a pathetic man.

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

OP, I'm so damn sorry. I wish you had family you could ask for help. Have you got friends, neighbours, other people nearby you could ask for support?

Keep talking on here, there's lots of support and lots of women who've been in similar situations and got out. It may take time, you may need to contact a lawyer, refuge, etc. But you can do it.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

[Embracelife]

OK but he isnt missing or lost for 3 days is he? He texted at 3.
Probably in a pub.

[TempestHayes]

Try to consider this the first day of the rest of your life. You cannot be with a man who calls you that - he's alcoholic and a great risk to you and your children. Try to think 'hooray, he has finally gone' and that your relationship is over.

Do ring Womens Aid to get advice on your next steps. You may be able to find somewhere safer to stay.

Don't text him again. He's destroyed the relationship and sounds very, very harmful.

[Luckingfovely]

This is a golden opportunity to get away from an abusive drunk who will only damage you - and for certain, your children - more with every day you let him back in to your lives.

He walked out, has called you a cunt, and is now blanking you? And you're worried about him?

Meaning this as nicely as possible - you need to man up, put your children first, and accept that this relationship is over.

Do whatever it takes to make this your new reality, and don't look back.

[Glitterandunicorns]

OP, I absolutely know how hard parenting two little ones is, especially when doing it alone.

Please please think of your kids here. They are absolutely better off without an abusive alcoholic in their lives who calls their mother a C###.

He can be the best person in the world when he's sober, but he's not. Before too much longer, your kids are going to start picking up on his alcohol consumption or horrible behaviour. Please don't show them that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. Please don't enable his alcoholism. You can dress it up as being "supportive" or by saying but I really love him all you like, he's an abusive alcoholic and you're enabling him if you stay with him.

You are strong enough to do this. Please seek help. There are charities which support families of alcoholics, and Women's Aid who can help you to leave an abusive relationship.

Best of luck.

[CharlOtteSometime]

You can't call the police about something like this. Where's the fear for his welfare? He's just pissed somewhere or out and about. He's texted you to tell you he's fine so it's not a police matter

With such young children I'd be making plans to leave ASAP before this becomes the life you make them live

[TheStuffedPenguin]

Call your bank and get them to freeze any joint accounts .

[Lifeisabeach09]

He is fucking with your head, OP. Pissing off to a hotel for two days, sending you nasty texts, then texting he'll be back and not turning up. He has left you alone, with no thought to your welfare or the welfare of your (mutual) babies.

He is not a good husband or father. You really need to kick the fucker out permanently.

[Fairenuff]

'At least my DC are young enough not to know what's going on'

If you stay with him they will become aware and will grow up thinking this is what normal family life looks like. You should start making plans to separate and give your children a better future.

[cbeebies12]

Thank you again everyone.

I think I'll give Women’s Aid a call and see what my options are.

Thank you