Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

[cbeebies12]

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

[incognitomum]

All those who noticed the shouting accusation and jumped on that. Doing a great job protecting his children isn't he? If he was so concerned for them he shouldn't just disappear. He's deflecting.

[PopsicleHustler]

If my husband called me the c word , I probably would die with heartbreak and then get up, and bloody go mad. I hate the c word with allcmy heart. So sorry you're going through this. If he cant give up the abuse and the booze, maybe it's time to call it a day. Stay strong for your little ones and for yourself. All my love

[TicTac80]

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. Did he ever show up? I don’t know how you’re set up but if I were you, I’d do my best to go about your day as normally as possible (and don’t phone around trying to find him). If he’s at home, then just leave him to it and go about usual day with kids...don’t do what I did: phone around mates looking for him, trawl around town looking for him, sit about waiting for him, hoping he’d show up, hoping he’d want to spend day with me and kids, blah blah blah.
Another thing to bear in mind. He is in full control Of his behaviour until the second he takes that first sip of alcohol. Up to that point he could phone his sponsor (AA), log in to an in-line Zoom AA meeting, talk to friends/loved ones etc. So don’t let him blame you or make out that any of this is your fault.

[sausagefest9]

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of having him back.

Ridiculous games. Pack his bags for him and leave them at the kerb.

[ThickFast]

He’s definitely punishing you so you’re too worried to argue again. And that message he sent is awful. Here’s a link to the DA helpline. www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

[AFitOfTheVapours]

I agree with all the other posters saying take it slower with the moving back to Aus idea. First of all, take advice first. Most family solicitors will give you half an hour free advice.

I don’t know what the rules are about leaving the country. But moving a significant distance within the uk is perfectly possible and the family courts don’t disallow this as long as you can show you have strong reasons to move there and aren’t just trying to frustrate access. His alcoholism will also count but you need proper advice to do it properly.

You will also need a solicitor to help you with getting good boundaries around contact to protect your dc from his drinking. A solicitor is brilliant for this because an alcoholic (and a mean one) is going to try and make you feel dreadful for doing this. Don’t let him. It is the right thing for your dc! I would spend your money on that first and maybe take a slightly longer term plan for moving back to aus, if that is what you want.

You can do this and you are going to have a better life without this horror show in it.

[WinnieLowCo]

Yes, pause, get advice, absolutely, but don't take tooooo much time, because as soon as your children are old enough to be to have habits and a network, the 'removing them from their habitual domicile' argument has more strength. At the moment their world is you. My children were older than yours are now and I still got permission (from the court, not from him). The second we touched down in my home country, before we had toothbrushes and clean underwear,I had registered at the doctors and had got my eldest in to a primary school and the youngest in a playgroup. No alcohol problem to blame his problems on, but he was so aggressive all the time. Always shouting at me and it was all always all my fault.. I moved in to the spare room to get away from him and he came into the room with an electric drill and took the bed apart with me in it. I was terrified. I was continually terrified for the last few years. People who think you can fix everything by being reasonable for two people judge you for taking kids away from their dad though. Even when they have zero positive information about him. But luckily that is a small problem in the grander scheme.

Is he trying to create a narrative (in written communication) that you shout at the children. NIP that in the bud. Don't get in to any conversation about it.

[cbeebies12]

Hi everyone. So he is home now and actually sober. He fell asleep last night and his battery died then when he woke up he tried to call me a couple of times (at 4am in the morning so was obviously sleeping).

He's being super helpful with our pets, has taken the dogs out now for a walk, and also helping me with DC. I have a busy day planned with DC so won't be speaking with him until later but I'll be trying to speak with Women’s Aid today. Also looked in to moving back with my parents in Oz and it seems very difficult in the middle of a pandemic, like posters have pointed out the borders are closed and I'd have to quarantine in a hotel room with 2 toddlers for 14 days. And that's only if I have permission from H to take them in the first place.

[cbeebies12]

Sorry forgot to say I don't shout at my children. No idea why he's written that

[Chocolate123]

@cbeebies12 if someone sent me a text like that it would be the last time. Of course he's all helpful with the pets etc because he's worming his way back into the house. Do yourself a favour and get rid of this piece of crap. If not for you do it for your kids

[WinnieLowCo]

Do speak to women's Aid. You're in a tough situation and you need support and advice. Write down what happened. I found that I blurrred over everything bad as soon as things got back to normal. That was a coping mechanism. But the coping mechanism is the same thing that paralyses you. I am projecting here. Sorry! You don't sound at all paralysed! But do start a journal of ever single bender and insult.

[AudTheDeepMinded]

Is @PointyThings on this thread? Someone who has walked your path and who is very good at empathetically advising in these situations. (Hope you don't mind me summoning you up PointyThings).

[itsaratrap]

lookyloo

I've have worse said to me on a good day!

If this is true, you’ve got real problems. Talking to a wife/partner, in fact anyone like that is far from normal.

[itsaratrap]

Today 08:41 cbeebies12

Sorry forgot to say I don't shout at my children. No idea why he's written that confused“

Because he doesn’t want you to show his messages to anyone.

[TicTac80]

Well done for looking into Women’s Aid. I kept a note of his behaviours and events: initially to try and figure a pattern or look for any triggers, but then to catalogue the situation when I had to show examples of his unreasonable behaviour when I filed for divorce (and when I had to apply for a prohibited steps order and for the child arrangements order). Wishing you luck today. I think take this time to decide what you want, quietly gather info and figure your options and so on x

[incognitomum]

I agree the lying in messages is his insurance. His use of the C word just shows his true colours though. Vile man.

[Cherrybakewellard]

@cbeebies12

Hi everyone. So he is home now and actually sober. He fell asleep last night and his battery died then when he woke up he tried to call me a couple of times (at 4am in the morning so was obviously sleeping).

He's being super helpful with our pets, has taken the dogs out now for a walk, and also helping me with DC. I have a busy day planned with DC so won't be speaking with him until later but I'll be trying to speak with Women’s Aid today. Also looked in to moving back with my parents in Oz and it seems very difficult in the middle of a pandemic, like posters have pointed out the borders are closed and I'd have to quarantine in a hotel room with 2 toddlers for 14 days. And that's only if I have permission from H to take them in the first place.

14 days quarantine or a lifetime of being with your 'D'P and putting up with his shit? I know which option I would go for!

[Namechange8471]

Op he’s being super helpful because he knows he’s fucked up, don’t fall for it! He’s not ‘helping with the children’ they’re his bloody kids too!
Sounds like you are making excuses not to leave, please don’t!

FWIW dp works full time, looks after the dogs, dd (his stepdaughter) and manages not to be a raging alcoholic. Raise the bar and leave.
Also look into the effects of living with an alcoholic parent, it’s awful.

[midnightstar66]

14 days quarantine or a lifetime of being with your 'D'P and putting up with his shit? I know which option I would go for!

Well despite the prohibitive cost it then wouldn't be much fun when OP is forced to return to the UK and face a high court case for parental abduction. As the 'left behind' parent DP would get full legal aid however op would face the costs for that too! Australia is signed up to The Hague convention.

Was he really asleep from 3pm having been checkin out/not booked in another night. I don't buy that!

[Roomba]

Interesting about him making me worry for me to then be relieved once he gets in so I won't start a fight about why he was out in the first place. Never thought about that before.

I've lived this life too. My ex did exactly this (along with verbal abuse that was intended to and often succeeded in making me feel like it was my fault he behaved like this). He would slink home in such a state that, despite my anger, I would have to look after him while he recovered for a couple of days. He'd be so morose and apologetic for the bender I'd end up feeling sorry for him, as he clearly had an alcohol problem. I don't even think he did it consciously, tbh. But it is a script he went through again and again.

It doesn't improve, and it does affect your children. I naively thought my kids were happy and mostly oblivious, but after I left him I could see they were so much happier and at ease. Now my eldest is a teenager I can see the longer term effects and it breaks my heart I didn't leave sooner. My ex actually gave up drinking and seemed to get his act together for a few years after we split. But recently he's back at it again and I can see his new wife struggling to deal with it.

[backseatcookers]

@cbeebies12

Sorry forgot to say I don't shout at my children. No idea why he's written that

So he has ammunition when he needs it. He sounds awful.

Interesting about him making me worry for me to then be relieved once he gets in so I won't start a fight about why he was out in the first place. Never thought about that before.

My ex used to cause this sequence of events (fight, disappear, emerge = me relieved and not wanting to rock the boat) every time he went on a bender, or threaten to kill himself so I would talk him down, find him and bring him home. It's so tough, but in the end I just couldn't cope anymore and I called the police telling them he had said he was about to take an overdose and gave them the address. They went to do a welfare check and he was so angry I did that (the right thing to do) he never did it again and I took some power back then it wasn't long before I was strong enough to leave him.

[pointythings]

Hi Aud, no, I wasn't on this thread but here I am.

For what it's worth I think you need to take some mental deep breaths and then do some thinking.

Your husband is an alcoholic. Alcohol comes first in his life. He has decided to give up on AA because denial is easier for him than accepting that he can never drink again.

This means you have only one realistic choice and that is to end the relationship. You don't have to run straight to Australia to do that, you can do it in the UK. Take your time, find out all the information you need - savings, income, pension pots, equity in the house if it's owned. You don't mention whether you work or are a SAHM - you may have to get a job if the latter.

Armed with that knowledge, petition for divorce. His alcoholism is grounds enough. And believe me, your children will already be affected, young as they are. The toddler especially will be picking up on what's happening with him. Your DC deserve better than an addict for a father.

You should join a support group. Al-Anon isn't the only one; there are others. I still attend one two years on from my husband's death. A support group will help you detach emotionally and find the strength to end the relationship without bitterness. Just talking to people who get it is incredibly powerful.

You can do this and you should do this. Life without an addict is amazing.

[WinnieLowCo]

Yes, makes total sense, if he's gone for 12 hours then you yell at him when he gets back.

If he's gone long enough for you to wonder if he's dead, if he's ever coming back, if he's been in a car crash, if he's moved out.............. then he won't have to face as much anger and questioning when he returns.

He will as time goes by have to extend the benders by a few days each time.

Men and women are supposed to be equal but we all know that that only happens when the man is decent enough not to want to abuse his power. And often in the family structure when there are young kids, he does have power.

My x's particular training was to react so angrily to any request for help with the child that I never asked. He worked hard at work, blah blah blah but he would react so angrily as though the extent of my effrontery asking him for help left him flabbergasted and wounded.
Same for housework. Same for saying no to his sex pesting.

[WB205020]

If you argue enough for 1 of you to leave for several days then you need to seriously rethink the relationship. Perhaps separating isnt a bad thing if its clear to you that the is nothing to salvage.

Its always hard to get both perspectives from a 1 sided story so i tend to fence sit. Calling a partner a cunt isnt nice and is probably one of the worst words you could call them but that as a individual act should breakup a relationship. If it does, there are far deeper issues going on.

What i would say though is why did you DH put 'stop shouting at my children'. That's not a random thing to say, that's quite specific. As i say, its difficult to get both sides of things from a post but there is a chance you do shout at your kids. Most parents do when they are naughty but i would be interested to know the cause of the arguement and whether your behaviour had something to do with it!

[Cherrybakewellard]

@midnightstar66

14 days quarantine or a lifetime of being with your 'D'P and putting up with his shit? I know which option I would go for!

Well despite the prohibitive cost it then wouldn't be much fun when OP is forced to return to the UK and face a high court case for parental abduction. As the 'left behind' parent DP would get full legal aid however op would face the costs for that too! Australia is signed up to The Hague convention.

Was he really asleep from 3pm having been checkin out/not booked in another night. I don't buy that!

I would still take the chance in her shoes.