Haven't seen my husband for 3 days and don't know where he is.

[cbeebies12]

Name change only as I don't want this following me around on MN but also never posted in Relationships before but I lurk from time to time and it seems to be very supportive.

Husband and I had a big row on Monday and I told him to go stay in a hotel - there are a few open now in our city even with Covid. Since then he's sent me a couple of messages calling me a cunt but then nothing all day today except an apologetic message this afternoon and saying he has late check out and will be back soon. That was at 3pm. It's now 7pm.

To add to the story, I called the hotel and they said he is not currently a guest there (although couldn't check if he was yesterday). So now I have literally no idea where he is. He's not answering his phone.

I have a 2 year old and a 1 year old at home with me and I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed out. No idea why I'm posting.

He is an alcoholic too (on/off in recovery, struggles with triggers and relapses) so God knows how much he's had to drink or if he's passed out somewhere or what!

[TeeBee]

Why are you chasing someone who's called you a cunt??! You're worth more than that. You're children deserve much much better. Let him stay out permanently. Woman's Aid an excellent idea.

[speakout]

Don;t allow yourself to be treated like this OP.

Dont allow him back. He will be perfectly safe. He is manipulating and abusing you.

[cbeebies12]

I've on the women's aid website now and there's no national helpline? Or am I being thick?

It just has an email address or to call 999 if it's an emergency. The online chat service closes at 4pm

[2bazookas]

My guess is, he went on a bender.
Then he sobered up and got maudlin, ashamed, apologetic.
Then he felt so sorry for himself he went for a drink and is now on another bender.

That's the future with him. Over and over again.

Go now while the children are still unaware, don't put them through years of the fear dread and confusion you're feeling.

[ScrimpshawTheSecond]

Hm, maybe try looking for a local service?

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

or

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

[DartmoorWilderness]

The 24 hr number I got from their website is 08082000247
X

[justlliloleme]

This happened to me a few times with my ex. The last time he did it he was gone for 2 nights, I eventually found out he was staying in a hotel down the road. I called his mum, told her where he was & told her he was now her problem.
He stayed at hers for a week & we sorted it out & he came home.
Various other stuff happened & I’d had enough so we split up & he went back to his mums.
A leopard rarely changes his spots please do not have him back.

[florascotia2]

OP try this - 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline
0808 2000 247

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

It's a helpline for victims of domestic abuse. If they can't offer immediate help, they might be able to advise as to who can.
You have been abused - anyone who treats you in the way he does and calls you such a disrespectful name is an abuser.

[BobbieDraper]

@Embracelife

That's total nonsense taken from American movies and TV.

Someone is "missing" as soon as they arent where they should be or arent possible to contact. You can report someone missing as soon as you suspect something is out of the ordinary. You do not need to wait 24 hours. It is dangerous to give out that advice so please dont ever tell someone that again.

[florascotia2]

Dartmoor Sorry - I cross-posted with yours.
That number is nationally advertsied as being 24-hour.

[Lougle]

I think you email them and if you give them a contact number, they will phone you.

[MitziK]

His phone is off and he's either in a pub or a park somewhere, having stopped at the nearest supermarket or shop to buy as much booze as possible.

Don't let him back.

[Idonthearawordtheyresaying]

My ex is an alcoholic. He went on a bender and disappeared for over a week. I had a newborn. He wasn't abusive but I'd had enough by the time our little one was 3. That was 30 years ago and my child still describes the relationship as angry. I actually didn't think it was particularly angry but I was tense all the time. Kiddo picked that up.
It wasn't easy but we did better than ok.
Good luck op. Your life will improve without him and will get worse with him.

[fucknuckle]

i’m a recovering alcoholic (6.5 years sober) and the hotel stunt was one of my favourite things. book in, shoes off, get shitfaced.

it was terrible behaviour on my part but i always managed to justify it to myself.

OP, what is your OH doing recovery-wise? is he in AA, using local alcohol services? or just quitting periodically then going off on one again?

this is your chance to draw a line in the sand. he has crossed it and you should inform him that you don’t want him back until he can prove he’s serious about getting sober. living with an active alcoholic is hell. if he wants sobriety and his family it’s time for him to put the work in.

this ‘disappearing’ behaviour is symptomatic of a worsening of a drink problem. remove your family from this situation now. it can and will get much, much worse.

i wish you every happiness. you and your children are worth more than this.

[1moresurvey]

Have you checked your bank accounts? If you have joint accounts of course! He will have to have paid for the hotel, so will show up on there. It's a place to start if you're doubting he was where he said.

[Holothane]

-lease please ring the numbers given I you really can’t live this life anymore, your children as they grow will notice mums worry and fear their father going off again as mum worries. 💐💐💐💐

[Namechange8471]

I’ve been there op, he ended shacked up with another woman in the end.

Best thing I did was get rid!

Please try to find a way out!

Anyone who called me a cunt would be dead to me.

[NotOdd]

Perhaps think about getting back home permanently before he sobers up enough to stop you

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

He sounds lovely!!!

[cbeebies12]

@fucknuckle he was in the rooms (AA) for about 3 years with varying degrees of success and periods of sobriety; longest I'd say was about 8ish months. What I was ok with during that time was that I could see he was showing up every time he relapsed despite being ashamed and embarrassed. Eventually, about 10 months ago maybe, he said he could no longer find the time due to his workload and it wasn't working for him. I get that AA took up a lot of his time but not sure what else he can do.
Do you think he should go back in to the rooms?
Also, congratulations on 6.5 years!

[itsaratrap]

My husband and I have been together for nearly 35 years. Ups and downs, some terrible shared times. He has never called me that. Despicable.

[cbeebies12]

So I've been looking at how I get back to my family abroad.

Flights alone will cost £3,000 which we don't have. Plus travelling 22 hours on my own with two toddlers.

I'll need to think of an alternative.

[Evilwasps]

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this. You do not deserve it.

I'm sure you know by now that his alcoholism is not your fault. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Was the argument to do with his drinking and associated behaviour? If so the reason he went wasn't because you told him to, it's because you dared to challenge him on his relationship with alcohol. You tried to come between him and his beloved drink so he left with the perfect excuse to do so (you told him to) in order to get drunk.

I don't think he's done this to make a point to you, thinking you'll be ever so grateful when he eventually reappears. Alcoholics don't play those games. They don't care who they hurt, or rather they prefer not to think about it. Hurtful as it may be it is not about you. He hasn't returned simply because he is drinking and doesn't want to come back yet. The text was to test your response. He'll be back eventually wanting to forget it even happened. I bet if you challenge him on it he'll blame you for the argument and telling him to go. Minimise, deflect and deny are his go to strategies no doubt.

The best thing you can do right now is ignore him. You know he's ok, just drunk somewhere. Tell the Police if it helps you to feel better, but otherwise focus on your mental wellbeing. He doesn't care how you're feeling, so why should you worry about him?

You know this won't change unless he wants it to. Right now he clearly doesn't. Stop listening to what he says and start seeing what he does. Actions speak louder than words. You should think about whether you want more of this for yourself and your children, or whether you would rather be free of the emotional pain he puts you and your family through.

[cbeebies12]

This is one of the messages he sent me yesterday. Not sure what the yelling at the DC is about Think he's trying to put blame on me for his bender.

[Namechange8471]

Start saving op, even if you can find somewhere in the short term, put a little bit away each month.