Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

Omg! A million times No!
He’s got that that all very nicely planned out for himself hasn’t he!
Just DON’T!!

He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.

Read that again. What is in it for you or your children in you uprooting them all so you can do laundry and cooking for this man and his children (oh and you'll be doing the 50 percent of his childminding too). Your children will be very much the poorer for this decision on every level. living in a house not "theirs", new schools, new friends, living with step siblings. You will also be the poorer for it - off the property ladder, no longer having the security of knowing you are in your own house with your own independence. No longer having a job that you can rely on for your own finanical support/pension/socialisation etc.

don't do it. Is it really that important that you move in together or move the relationship up a step when you have such small children.

FGS, it's NOT in any way 'kind' to want someone to give up everything for them and have it ALL on their terms. Get real!

Just a million times no. It sounds - as does he - worse with every update.

I would not give up my job, disrupt my DC’s lives to become a glorified nanny/housekeeper/taxi driver

This was the same arrangement he had with his ex wife, so now he wants a replacement as he can’t be bothered to do the drudge work. Hence, why initially he asked you to move in.

In regards to the salary he’s promised you, you simply wouldn’t get one. It’ll be used, to buy food for 9 people, used to buy petrol to ferry the all the Dc to school/activities and also any outings you do with them.

Ask yourself this. What exactly is in it for you? What is in it for your DC?

He may well be a nice man, when you both live separately and are not bogged down with parenting and chores etc. However, when you put that into the mix, his appeal may fade.

IMO, I would just keep to how things are.

My step mum did this pretty much. And there was a deal. My dad would look after her and her 2 kids. He would give her a lovely posh life and home.

She sold her house moved 3 hours south with her teen kids. She replaced are house keeper and full time cook. We were all at boarding school but home for the holidays.

The renovation took a year longer than planned.

My dad wanted a divorce within 18 months. She explained that 2 of his 4 kids wanted to stay with her. End of the divorce discussion.

He then verbally abused her for the next 30 years. It was a posh life but without kindness. The last 10 of those she was his carer. At one point my dad got into trouble financially and the lovely life was distinctly less lovely.

After he died when she was mid 70s she got together with an old boyfriend. Now she has a lovely life. She's has about a decade of it.

If you are going to do this:

1. insist on a pre-nup (he will want one anyway) that protects your existing house and gives you a minimum lump sum if the marriage fails within a short period of time, e.g. three years.
2. Insist on a nanny/housekeeper, and ensure that he does not see you in that role (make sure his expectations are realistic).
3. Consider how your 2 children will feel; they may feel swamped by five of his.

Honestly, I'd just keep him as a shag for when his kids are at his ex's. It's more fun, less responsibility. Keep your financial independence.

If he’s so wealthy why can’t he pay the food bill and pay for a housekeeper then you would have the time and money to work/look after children/save etc.
It’s no good him giving you a salary then essentially snatching it back

Which one of you suggested that the relationship needs to progress?

The more you post the worse the situation sounds.

You do see that if you go ahead with this you will see your DC less and not be able to do things just the 3 of you like you do now. You won't have time off every 2nd week as you think, you will need this week to recover from the previous week and prepare for the next one. Will he expect you to work in his company on the 2nd week as there will be less drops offs/pick ups.

I echo the poster who said continue the relationship as is and look at things again in 5 years.

Why did he get divorced?

Nooooo!

OP I dateed a charming chap in my early 20s who had a wonderful life and an ex wife and two DC who were 3 and 5 then. He was handsome, rich and made me tingle. It was a great 9 months and getting serious and seriouser but I wasn't sure about his baggage.

My mother doesn't often give good advice but "if he was the right man you'd do it in a heartbeat and travel to the moon". I ended it. If you have to ask op, you aren't convinced. If you aren't convinced he isn't worth it.

And I'm not gping near all the other stuff that's wrong. If he was right it wouldn't be wrong and you wouldn't be turning it over.

Absolutely bloody not. No no no.

Moving into his house and having him "hire you" will make your relationship extremely unbalanced. You will not be equals.

His intentions might be coming from a good place. You've said yourself your house is small. His must be bigger if he has 5 kids. Sounds like his career prospects are good if he knows he's able to "hire you".

But does his house have 8 bedrooms? Do your kids share now? They might be going from having their own rooms, to having to share with step siblings who they don't know well. Just because he might have better career prospects than you doesn't mean you give yours up.

It will be a huge upheaval for your children and you. 2 years IMHO is not enough time to move in.

You could suggest you both sell up and buy somewhere that suits both of you. Big commitment, which requires further thought, but his reaction will be very telling. If he says "no" then you know you have a controlling partner. (Sorry).

Please please please don't. It sounds like you will become the hired help.

Don't do it. You would be giving up a home, your job and your financial independence. It would be a terrible decision that might seem fine for a while but not for the rest of your life. Plus, when the dynamics in your relationship change so much, your husband will start to see you in a different way.

There are a few things you’ve said about him that are setting off alarm bells.

Your friends find him conceited? Not a nice trait. What’s that about?

He is in competition with his ex-wife re parenting? That’s horrible and unnecessary. And you suspect he has them 50:50 to avoid maintenance even though he is rolling in it.

He wants you on hand to manage the house and children every other week yet as a pp pointed out, his ex-wife would probably have wanted to do that but he fought for 50:50.

It’s possible this could work out but the way it’s been proposed is WEIRD. I can’t imagine moving in to a wealthy mans house to... do his laundry. And he gave me a salary to... pay for all the food and do all the cooking.

Op, picture a job interview. Oh yes I’ve been for x years.
Tell me about some of the trickier situations you handled in that role.
Uummmm. Difficult laundry stains?

If it would work, you need to get your own job that actually contributes to your career. Paid for by his company is for too high risk. You need to agree to continue to split parenting and cleaning and suggest he get a cleaner every week because what woman in her right mind would move in to be the cleaner. Discuss the impact his income has on your children’s university loans. Schools are a serious issue - I would not risk my children ending up in bad schools. Discuss how his week ‘off’ parenting works - can he ignore you and work all the time because that’s his habit?
Say you’d prefer a food and bills budget and you contribute to it and you can both do shopping etc. Raise that cooking for 9 people every night is hard graft and frankly what if you don’t feel like cooking that much? Discuss parenting - there’s a huge disparity. Are your children going to continue to be told no you can’t get new kit this year while the same age children they live with have two sets? Are you going to be able to tell his children to pick up their clothes and empty the dishwasher? Or just yours so like their mum they get to do most do the housework?

There is so much more to think about here before this can work. I’m not one of the people who say it cant work but it’s not being set up to work for your dc at this stage. Children cant be treated differently in the same house- that would be their home full time.

I would echo others here really .You would be giving up an awful lot to live with this man .

Your priority is your kids - and this would be awful for them. No gain and a big loss.
What are the good qualities of this man - you haven’t mentioned them? How is he with your kids? How does he react if you tell his kids off?

The wedding, and the whole situation sounds a bit more like a convenient business transaction than being deeply in love? For that reason I'd not even consider it.

I’d not juMp in either
Sounds like an arrangement to his convenience

How do you actually feel about him? What is the relationship like? As all we’ve seen here is around financials

And don’t kid yourself that coming out of the job market but having a “job” on paper will help you get a job in future employers will see through it as you will have no up to date skills or relevant experience if that goes on for years

I agree with others who have questioned his financial situation. He might look “rich” on paper but he doesn’t live like a rich person.

How did you meet him?

Do you know the circumstances of his divorce? I ask because it doesn’t sit well with me to have 5 children and then divorce. (Unless there is DV) It just doesn’t make sense to marry, commit to having all those children and then to say “oh too bad, we grew apart” and I think it speaks to his character.

100% no. Everything else aside, your two very small children having to share you with FIVE other kids half the time sounds pretty horrible for them.

He wants a nanny/housekeeper on the cheap. Do not give up your home/security/job/school places for this. It’s a bad bargain that only benefits him.

‘Suggested that we should marry’ doesn’t sound like the most loving of proposals. I get that this is second time for you both but he doesn’t even sound that excited by the idea.

As others have said, paying a spouse to do vague work that you should pay proper staff for is a well known tax dodge of the self employed and HMRC are on to it, it will come back and bite you. I think you'd be insane to go ahead with this arrangement. Its all him, him, him.

How are your children going to feel, being moved in to a house where they get to be the poor relations?

If he and his Ex are constantly competing over activities and treats, how are you going to make sure that your children aren't left out? Or are you happy that his five traipse off to ice skating/judo/mandarin lessons whilst yours stay home because you can't afford it.

I'm saying this on the basis that a man who views your kids as 'babysitting' is hardly likely to want to fund them as well? I suspect he will expect you to cover the cost of your children out of your wages, and if you can't afford to take them on that 5* all inclusive Maldives trip...well that's just tough.

Quite honestly, he sounds as if he's happy to have your children there, because they are useful every other week for entertaining his. And that they are a package deal with you - but the benefit of moving you in is a built in housekeeper, babysitter, cleaner, sex on tap, and a tax fiddle for his company as well.

What happens if the children fall out? What happens if your children are miserable? What happens if you are unhappy and want to leave? What happens if he wants you to take on more responsibilities and you aren't keen, and he pulls the strings because he pays your wages? What happens if he trots home one day and says that he's taking you off the books - how are you going to manage financially? For someone who likes being independent, this sounds completely insane.

If you love him and want to continue the relationship then do so without living together until the children are grown up.

The more I think about this the more alarm bells are ringing.

Is he just giving his wife what he's proposing to pay you ie 2k a month? Because there is no way that would be enough to run a massive house and support 5 children. No wonder she's had to go out and get a job.

Also you said that there are 6 years between oldest and youngest. So they had 5 kids in 6 years? Jesus wept. No wonder they grew apart. Just think about that... 5 kids under 6 at one point, and no help because he was clearly too tight to pay for anyone.

If he really wanted a family life, if he's such an astute person, why not take the pragmatic approach...if he can afford 2 massive houses, why didn't he buy 1 really big house, and at least have a go at co parenting under the same roof rather than chucking in the marriage? Co parenting doesn't work mostly because people are trying to do it in a 3 bed semi. I imagine if you're in a 10 bed mansion it might be different! Again it sounds at odds with what he's telling you. I suspect his wife was completely ground down with doing everything for that many young children and couldn't dance attendance on him too.

Nothing you've said about this man paints him in a good light. I'm not a misandrist in the slightest but he sounds like someone I would steer clear of. I'll hazard a guess you met him online? On a free dating site? Sounds to me like he was deliberately looking for a single parent, not in a great financial position, who'd be happy to come and do his domestic drudgery and be grateful for being 'rescued'. Ugh.