Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

[SoulofanAggron]

I have a friend whose partner claimed he was going to become a millionaire, and she believed him, which was part of what made her stick around at first.

Turns out he was abusive to the extent he's left her with permanent injuries, which she can't bring herself to have surgery for as it would retraumatize her again.

[Crankley]

Let's look at plusses and minuses:

Plusses for him:

He stays in his own house as do his children 50% of the time
You agree to do all the housework
" all the cooking
" all the picking up and dropping off
He pays you £2k a month but out of that you have to buy all the food and presumably household items for nine people.

Plusses for you:

You live with a man who you think you love.

Minuses for Him:

None

Minuses for you:

You will have to leave your home which you own
You give up your job which I assume you enjoy.
Your children have to leave their home, school and friends.
Your life will consist of household drudgery - not exactly interesting
Instead of your children having your attention 100% of the time, that will be cut in half.

All the children may get on now but living in the same house is a whole different story.

You say no-one ever says no to his children - it's not difficult to see in the future, as they get older, you saying no to one or more of them and they will tell you 'you're not my mother' go running to mummy or daddy who will take their side and you will become the evil stepmother.

I don't understand why you can't see what a terrible idea this is. I know you say you love him but is that enough to rip up you and your children's lives?

[Devlesko]

Surely he could only employ you through his business if you were working for him and registered with HMRC.
So, you'd have another job on top of the one you have already.
Also, you'll end up as substitute mum for his kids, whilst he takes a back seat.
I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole, find someone child free so you can have a half decent life.

[Devlesko]

I think your kids should be your priority too, not some bloke with lots of baggage.
At the moment they seem low on your priorities, a leg over isn't really comparable to your kids future happiness.

[FizzyGreenWater]

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

[uniglowooljumper]

I don't understand why you can't see what a terrible idea this is. I know you say you love him but is that enough to rip up you and your children's lives?

This.

Oh, and the employment thing, don't be such a fool. He'll employ you as a director and you'll be dumb enough to just sign the papers, so he'll put whatever salary he wants on there, let's say, £54k/year, then when you divorce you're settlement will be based on that so-called whacking salary he 'gave' you.

Don't be one of those women who screws up her kids' life and her own for a man.

You say you're too old to have more kids, well, thank goodness for that, this guy knows exactly what he's doing, the fuck he 'didn't know' 50/50 meant no maintenance, but this also means you are too old to forgo a penny of pension or becoming financially dependent on some man.

You have an ideal life right now, becoming enslaved to some man is not 'the simple life', it's fucking up your kids' lives and yours.

You need to put them and their well-being first before your love life.

[Middersweekly]

He doesn’t sound like a complete asshole if he has his kids 50/50 and gives his ex wife spousal maintenance. It also seems like they are still civil with each other so no red flags there. Yes you would be sacrificing your current living arrangement for that of a somewhat louder and busier one. If I were you I would keep your house and rent it out. Keep the income from this. See if your employer would consider you working from home. If all you need is wifi connection and you’ve been WFH the whole of lockdown then this is not an unreasonable to request. The children will hopefully go back to school in September so you should be ok to WFH. Also request that your DP hires a cleaner to come in twice a week for several hours.
I am sure you can come to some arrangement that means your home and job are not at risk and you’re children dont risk too much upheaval. 7 kids is a lot of kids to consider though! But if it’s a large house the noise should be dispersed somewhat lol!

[backseatcookers]

Oh, and the employment thing, don't be such a fool. He'll employ you as a director and you'll be dumb enough to just sign the papers, so he'll put whatever salary he wants on there, let's say, £54k/year, then when you divorce you're settlement will be based on that so-called whacking salary he 'gave' you.

Damn this is a great point.

[Lifeisabeach09]

He sounds good on paper (financially) but he clearly, as PP have said, wants a housewife rather than partner.
Your call, OP!

[SeaState3]

This will be the Brady Bunch but the catch is you are the housekeeper!

[piscean10]

He has 5 kids?? I would run. Hell no.

[Dreamscomingtrue]

I work for my husband as a director and it’s really not that easy to say someone earns £54,000 a year. There is such a thing as PAYE, tax and National Insurance. There is a paper trail, most businesses have accountants and it would have to be a massively successful business to generate a salary as high as that.

However this relationship does sound like it would be hard work for you with so many children. How can you do school pick ups for 7 children, they must be at different schools it they’re all different ages.

Put yourself and your own children first and do what’s best for them, put off getting married until they’re older?

[myrtlehuckingfuge]

I have read all of your posts OP. I don't doubt that he has the assets you state he does but you are going to be renta Poppins. Please don't give up your job.

[wewereliars]

You are risking an awful lot here, the whole suggestion sounds off and is not fair on your children at all. He may be very controlling, having baby after baby and fighting for 50/50 custody are used as weapons of control. It appears more likely here as he wants you to do the parenting he fought for. Financially, he may really be loaded, or he may be mortgaged to the hilt and about to go under. you dont know. Or, being seriously wealthy, may not want to share it with you at all, just let you have some crumbs when it suits him. When you are dependant on him for a roof over your head and an income you will find out. And it will be too late.

[MrsBobDylan]

I suppose what jumps out at me is that he works for fun, has his kids 50 50 and can fit work around them. So why does he want you to come in an take all that over? What will he do with his time instead - work more, relax more?

Could you stay with him for a few weeks this summer before making any thing permanent? See what he's like to live live, what the workload of 7 kids is like.

[Dannicalifornia]

Please don't do this.

[Crankley]

I know it has been a couple of days but I would love to hear from the OP if she has made a decision. If you're still wobbling, please reread the 99.99% of posts on here who urge you not to do it.