Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places.

How will being married as opposed to living with him change the above?

Effectively he is offering to pay you to be housekeeper/nanny with benefits.

I think you would be mad if you agreed.

I forgot to say in my many ramblings. My house shows with the land registry I own it with no mortgage. (Yes I have checked, I don't know if he has any debt but his deeds show the same). I know his ex-w, it's a bit difficult being in our situation but I really like her. We're friends and if I wasn't with her ex 😊 she is someone I would gravitate to as a good friend. He has limited family (lost parents and only child). I've met his friends (as he has mine and my family) I haven't gone into his work but he has invited me as his partner to team building days, christmas dos etc. and I have gone (over the last couple of years. I really like his PA we get on well). He would offer me the same management title I currently have but wouldn't actually expect me to work for him with the children to consider and I would just, 8x rather than 3x pay for the food shopping from this wage in order for me to have my own money if giving up my job.
I had thought if I ever did go ahead I would sign my house over to my children before marriage (although my house is small, he doesn't talk about money but from his lifestyle and the odd thing he has said I know he is rich and of course through my own checks but I'm aware 50% of my house value is just his annual salary he pays himself).

But why do you automatically assume responsibility for all 7 kids and not him? By moving in that responsibility should be shared, if he can look after 5, he can look after 7 and learn some basic cooking skills.

@AdriannaP

To employ you without you actually working for his business is also a tax dodge. I wouldn’t trust someone who suggests this.

Yes!! I was waiting for someone to say this before i did

So he wants you to pay for his kids’ food?

He would offer me the same management title I currently have but wouldn't actually expect me to work for him

Right, and you think that is not dodgy?

@AdriannaP

What?? OP you can’t seriously considering giving up your home AND your job, uproot your kids to help raise his 5! No no no no no don’t do it

Exactly this!

Posters asking what I'd tell my children. It's be no. My daughter believes as I did we work and look after ourselves. My son much the same , although younger. We're very close. Even at their young ages they understand the value of money and no I can't just buy them something (or will do). His children are wonderful. However, they have no concept of money (they have no ever been told no we can't afford this now. Or just no I'm not wasting hard earnt money on tat :)
My family and close friends mostly think him and his children are wonderful. Some of my family find him conceited (but I and we are working class, he is although more middle class but he worked for what he has 20s-30s he had no life other than work)

I dont get why you would have to pay for the food shop

@WiiNon

I'm sure it's been said before, but can't you consider the marriage and the move initially and then see about giving up your career further down the line if it goes well? I know it's a longer commute but it does seem the most sensible course of action.

You are compromising absolutely everything, which if it turns out well then you will have a wonderful life, but there is no guarantees that everything will work out perfectly. I don't think I would give up what you have worked for easily. Good luck , I wish you well.

It will be his business paying for the food.

Surely Companies House would only show his business's accounts rather than his personal ones??

Posters asking what I'd tell my children. It's be no. My daughter believes as I did we work and look after ourselves. My son much the same , although younger.

So you're proposing to undermine everything you've taught them.

Are you having us on? Because the food shopping thing is jumping the shark.

Having the same management title is meaningless, you will still be the domestic drudge.

Be very careful about signing over property to children. Even if you continue to get in well, If they were to marry and divorce in the future you could end up with an ex in law owning part of your house.

If you sign over your house to your kids, how will you house yourself if this doesn't work out? Facilitate your retirement? Support any subsequent children?

I would speak with a good family solicitor about this and get their advice.

Historically his ex-w 'worked' for him as I would and he paid the bills except the food bill.
I couldn't afford to keep his children and mine on my wages or him too (he's not asking me to. However, I know, especially recently without the commute and WFH I would struggle in his location and with mine less so but all 7 children certainly).
I didn't realise a salary would be a tax dodge 😊 it was more so that in my part I retained a job title and salary for my CV if things didn't work out.
The pluses for my children, they'd go to an equally good school, have me around more and a male in their lives and the bonus of 5 wonderful children to play with and all these step-brothers/sisters.
His benefit he has the family life he always wanted and his children two additional younger friends/step-sister and brother.
We do alot together at weekends and school holidays (my time is more limited with limited annual leave) maybe it should just be as is for now.

He had the family life he always wanted. Five children, who are relatively speaking very young. What happened to the family life he always wanted and then had?

Employing people on paper when they do no work is a tax dodge and shady to say the least. You do what suits you but I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole. And I'm all for a lazy life and marrying multi millionaires when you get the chance.

[quote Lochie662]@WiiNon

I'm sure it's been said before, but can't you consider the marriage and the move initially and then see about giving up your career further down the line if it goes well? I know it's a longer commute but it does seem the most sensible course of action.

You are compromising absolutely everything, which if it turns out well then you will have a wonderful life, but there is no guarantees that everything will work out perfectly. I don't think I would give up what you have worked for easily. Good luck , I wish you well.[/quote]
This type of suggestion is good. Personally I would wait another few years before moving my children’s homes and schools. If he wanted to support you he could offer financial support while you live apart without any strings attached.

If you are certain you want to move though I’d keep my job and rent my house out initially.
Then, if after a few months living together it doesn’t work you can move back home and still have your job. If it is working a year down the line you can look at selling your house and fixing up work.

Why’s it got to be all or nothing? It’s that bit that makes me skeptical.

@MsTSwift

Are you Maria Vonn Trapp?

After she binged on a Downton Box Set. I’m sure Mrs Bridges needed more than £2k pm to feed the household, outsourced staff or not. BTW OP, it’s not the Grantham style to put the staff on zero contracts).

I really must start saying I’m of the County.

So his wife lost her ‘job’ when they split? How are things working out for her now? I’d look into that very carefully.

@Littleposh

Surely Companies House would only show his business's accounts rather than his personal ones??

Precisely.

Also, I'd want to take a look at an audited cash flows and income statement. If the millions are in the balance sheet, that doesn't necessarily mean much.

It's just so ... unusual ... that a very well off man would have no regular home help of any kind and wouldn't intend even to have a cleaner when you're with him - you would do it all.

Tbh, even if he is loaded he's not there's nothing worse than a tight man, because tight means he could make your life easier, but chooses not to.

@GingerMcKenna

So his wife lost her ‘job’ when they split? How are things working out for her now? I’d look into that very carefully.

Quite, and we know she endured a nasty custody battle against this man.

Given the current very unusual economic circumstances I suspect he is experiencing cash flow difficulties and an injection of equity plus a decent credit rating (presumably?) would be extremely welcome ...