Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

His benefit he has the family life he always wanted

Um didn't he already have that benefit with his las wife! You'd be a nanny to 7 kids, 5 whom aren't yours!

You'd have no financially security and I really don't see what your kids get out of this arrangement. Having to share their mum wit 5 other kids? Sounds like hell to me.

Something just doesn't feel right about this arrangement. I feel you're sleepwalking into disaster.

@Arrivederla

No no no no no.

No.

This

From all your ramblings (well you said it!) I’m more and more inclined to think you’re indulging in some romantic fantasy now rather than weighing this up in any clear headed way.

It seems that what you “know” of his financial situation is guesswork and you’re reluctant to actually discuss how finances will work. Well, beyond the tax dodge “salary” aka the housekeeping... Why is that? If you’re not comfortable discussing how this new family of nine will live then you’re not ready to move in together.

You say the dc get on great but what you’ve described sounds like play dates/days out. Have you ever all spent a full week together? One where they’re not on holiday doing exciting things but rubbing along together in the house?

Have you considered that his dc may not be so crazy about yours when they see yours living full time with their dad?

What are you going to do if six months in you decide you don’t enjoy being little suzie homemaker and would like to get a job? Will he facilitate that by sharing responsibility for childcare, school runs and so on or will you find that you’re stuck because that shit is still all your responsibility?

Look, he might be great but there are so many things to consider here for everyone’s sake. The impression I get is that you’re slightly hero worshipping this guy and you’re not asking the questions (of yourself or him) that might burst this little bubble.

The love, mutual respect and attraction will fly out the window when you are picking up his socks, ironing his clothes and cleaning pubes out of the bathrooms while he is down the golf club.

The love, mutual respect and attraction will fly out the window when you are picking up his socks, ironing his clothes and cleaning pubes out of the bathrooms while he is down the golf club.

No! No way! Please don't consider this for a second more!!!!!

I'm certainly not going ahead, it's all only talk atm and I have my 2 children and myself to consider. People around me are mostly pro but I want to hear every opinion and make the right choice (in my mind it's wonderful, daily logistics and 'power' less so).
Deeds, Co. Hse confirm things to me. Assets owed outright and profit. He has simply stated he chooses to work. He hasn't talked of what he's worth. (I gathered from his house, car and lifestyle he was rich and I did some checks which have showed he has millions).
His ex-w I feel uncomfortable about. Hence why I was more reassured by the talk of marriage. She had a career for a few years. Give it up to have 5 children in a short space of time and in a decade they had split and he has 50% custody. He's almost in competition with her (to 'prove' he's as good as a SAHM of a decade. I believe this is the reason for the outsourcing, as well as the week on and week off difficulty in employing someone. She from what has been said isn't a pushover and got the house and an annual amount. She has since restarted her career and works around the children part-time as myself).
Where I live I often feel like the minority, on my own, small house, car, etc. just getting by and the thought of not worrying about work, financials and focusing on my children seems an ideal!

Have you checked for charges against the business?

No amount of money can compensate for your independence and peace... it's priceless.

Why would you be expected to pay the food bill out of your wage, especially if he is wealthy? That seems unfair that the only money you would earn is used to pay for food. That alone would make me say a big No. Then you would be cooking and cleaning for eight. Why can’t he do the cleaning? Why can’t he continue to do the school runs the week he has the DC.

It wouldn’t be an equal relationship OP. What if your DC aren’t happy when it becomes full time living in someone else’s home, what would you do then? It’s all lovely when it’s not all the time, but your DC would be giving up their home and their friends too.

If you go ahead don’t move in with him until you marry.

If you leave him he'll do to you exactly what he did to her.

Remember that.

If I had millions I wouldn't be doing my cleaning myself or expecting to pay my husband a salary to do it. Why wouldn't he make everyone's lives easier if he could afford it?

I wouldn't rush into it. It's just such a risk.

This all wasn't quite making sense, but having read your latest posts, I now understand. He appears to want someone he can control and he is now attempting to manoeuvre you into the ultimate controllable position - isolated from those you know, unemployed from a coveted part time position, dispossessed of your paid off house.

He attempted to control and destroy the ex wife, and he didn't quite manage that, which must frustrate him. He won't allow that to happen again. Pay attention to what happened to her, OP. Pay very, very close attention.

Yes as above, he is replacing one wife with another, offering you the same deal as her. The difference is your children are older so you won't be as tired as her.

'The family he never had' , whose words are these

I've read the rest of the thread now. I don't understand how someone so very rich would 'fight' his wife for 50:50 custody of their five kids, then feed them on ready meals every night. Surely he would either bother to learn to cook so he could care properly for his much-loved kids, or hire a part-time housekeeper if he has so much money.

Why would your 'salary' have to go on food for you all? That makes no sense to me at all. It would almost be like being paid nothing, as most of it would go on feeding him and his kids.

This is all just weird.

my DP seemed wonderful fighting for joint custody of his and being so involved

Do you really think that is wonderful? He forced legal action to secure residency from the SAHM. He will have had all the legal power and his motivation was why? Watch out if hd is trying to prove he is a better parent, that is a big red flag as suggests he doesn't value parents.

They grew apart, 5 children in 10 years, of course they would have, must not have had time to spend together.

How he treated her is how he will treat any other woman. Marriage will not give you much protection as no joint children.
Are his children in private schools?

How does he get on with his ex wife? Did you meet through OLD?

Paying you through the company and giving you a title when you do no work is a tax dodge.
My ex owned his own business and paid me a salary, very basic I was also the company secretary. He sacked me when we split, on Company House records it states I resigned.
Another odd thing happened when I applied I think it was child tax credits when we separated, HMRC were contacting me about this job, which in fact I had never done a days work in, but it obviously affected my tax allowance going forward that year. When I explained they siad this happens a lot.

No no no. Your independence is priceless. You'd be trapped looking after his kids.

the thought of not worrying about work, financials and focusing on my children seems an ideal!

But that’s a fantasy and bears no relation to what you’ve actually outlined. You’ll be working damn hard keeping his big house clean and tidy, ferrying 7 children to and from school, activities and play dates, and shopping and cooking for a large family.

Financially he’d “pay” you what you currently earn in your 28 hr per week job out of which you’ve to feed all of you. I think you said only the food but do you seriously think you won’t be expected to pick up the laundry detergent, toilet roll, cleaning products and so on, as you’re there anyway? Oh maybe he’ll reimburse you if you keep the receipts eh? Will he provide the car and fuel you’re going to need with this large family or will that have to come out of your “salary” I wonder?

You’ll have five (!!) extra young children there every second week and for chunks of the school holidays - you won’t get to give all your focus to your dc! In fact with their new step dad and their numerous new step siblings, not to mention all the housework you’re apparently going to be doing, your dc may get less of your focus than you’d like.

You’re so taken with his perceived wealth (it really seems to be a huge part of the attraction) yet you seem willing to ignore potential red flags that could see you and your dc placed in a very vulnerable financial situation .

It sounds like you're talking yourself into it instead of listening to the advice on this thread.

As for his finances, instead of snooping around so much why don't you try talking to him and saying you want a clear, transparent view of his personal finances before you uproot yours and your childrens lives and marry him

It's not that bloody hard.

DP and I are not millionaires by any means but we know how much we each earn and how much debts and savings we have. We have to be transparent as we don't have joint finances due to my abysmal credit rating.

I can't stress how much this does not sound like it is in the best interests of your dc. Taken away from their school and friends into someone else's house, massively outnumbered by the children from the other family. With only the promise of their own rooms currently. It sounds like a Bronte novel with less tuberculosis.

And then on top of that his expectations with regards to you - some of which you are extrapolating from what he's done in the past, rather than anything he's said explicitly. But assuming you are correct, you are going to be worked like a dog in return for your free house and board. The tax dodge job may be in name only but the domestic workload is going to be huge.

They're his children. He already looks after them (after a fashion, why can't he learn to cook?) every other week. Why on earth can't he continue to do so? Why doesn't he want to? What's the point in them living with him if he's going to dump them on you? They'd be better off with their own mum (a point I expect she is going to make).

Your 'job', your house, your source of funding, the food on the table, your children's school places - everything dependent on him.

he doesn't talk about money but from his lifestyle and the odd thing he has said I know he is rich

You know someone is rich when you have been through their finances in detail, usually with a lawyer in tow. If he doesn't talk about money, apart from the odd thing said, then you have no.idea.at.all

For example: He lives in a big house. He could own it, own it with a large or small mortgage, rent it or it could be a company asset which he conveniently have the use of

His children have 'trust funds'. Really? Where did the funds come from. What are they invested in? Who are the trustees?

He hires in help when he needs it? What does 'the help ' do inbetween times ? How does he pay them? Cash in hand? If he really is rich, why not have the help all the time?

Are you perhaps dazzled by what you see as his wealth and see an opportunity for you to give up a stressful job for a life of cozy domesticity. SOHP for seven children is quite something. More importantly, he would hold all.the.power.

What would your role actually be? When would you have time off? Holidays? If you went away together, would you still be on duty to organise everything?

Five children who have never heard no? How would you get them to pull their weight around the house? Would he back you up and say no to them? Would he?

Good fences make good neighbours. Good balance of power makes for good relationships. Don't see any sign of power balance here. Sorry.

It sounds like a Bronte novel with less tuberculosis

Brilliant. And true!

Financially I haven't asked for details. Of course I would if we ever did change our lives to be with him and his children.
I like being independent, I don't believe he's controlling, although I do things with mine as I always have, I sometimes mention it to him, other times I don't as the 3 of us are very close of course and I want us to still do things with the 3 of us. He does question this sometimes.
I have a horrible feeling in my stomach when I think of his ex carrying 5 children and having babies and toddlers, being a SAHM and then losing her children for a week at a time. I also think she has a week to focus on her children and then focus on work and life. I mostly feel bad for her but equally as my children are with me 100% of the time, think how positive it could be as well.
Yes he seems happy for me to do the childcare but if we ever moved he would see dropping off/collecting my children and school holidays, even weekends if I was working, as babysitting my children. Even if it was the week he had his own and I don't believe he would.
Because my childrens dad has no involvement, I think it's positive he fought for his (his ex-w apparently offered every-other weekend and he wanted more) but as already mentioned I feel so bad for her at 50% custody.
There's so much to think about.

Ask how much child support he pays.

At 50% I bet it's zero.
If she's working with 5 kids, doubt shes getting maintenance worth a damn.

It's hard balancing 1 or 2 kids with work. 5 kids? All the admin for 5 kids? She must be exhausted.

He screwed her and he doesn't even cook them a proper dinner each night - and is going to have a long distance girlfriend move in with her 2 kids to do the caring...that their own mother was willing and able to do.

He's a twat.