Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

Nope. It cant work without one of you making massive compromises and both of you are within your rights to stay where you are

And why the fuck would you want to look after his kids?

Also marriage will give you very little protection in the early years so you would still be vulnerable.

There isn't an easy solution - well there is, you just have to redefine what you term a serious relationship is, hint you dont ever have to live together.

Oh sorry I misread. So he's employing to you clean the house and do the laundry?

It doesn't sound all that great for you. Wonderful for him though.

Your kids should be your priority. The right thing for them is to not uproot them, give up their school places, change their home.

You already have the perfect set up, don't ruin it.

@isthismylifenow

So you would be working for him and he will be expecting you to do all the home admin for 7 children.

Two years is not a long time at all.

I wouldn't move there nor marry him.

Yep! And sex on tap, too. Probably another baby and then haven't been working for him long enough for mat leave so he'll have her completely trussed up, and her kids by virtue of her having sacrificed hers and their lives for this man.

NO, OP, NOOOOOOOO!

You wouldn't be getting a 'simple life' though would you. It's damned hard work looking after 7! children and doing EVERYTHING around the house, cos trust me he will that's what he will expect.
How are your children going to feel about giving up their home, school, friends to live with a house full of other kids... that's not going to go well. Don't give up your independence.
I think you'd be mad.

Does he own his house? What would you do with your house?

I wouldn't do this, but if it will make you happier to look after seven kids than work I don't think it's horrendous especially if you're not earning much at the moment. If you like your job and earn a decent enough wage there's no chance.

Terrifying prospect

My mum always said to me, as a woman "never ever be without your own money and life when marrying someone. Should anything ever happen, such as he gets made redundant, he leaves, you want to leave, whatever the circumstances, always have your own contingency plan, funds, etc for the unthinkable to happen, you need to make sure you can either handle the house alone or be able to leave with ease if you needed to" that has always stuck with me. If you are a career focused woman who likes to have a litfle indendence and your own time here and there, I'd definitely think through your decision. It doesnt sound like you are happy to give up your life for this one he is proposing to you. It does sound like he just wants you there as a paid house keeper but I'm sure there is much much more to your relationship and story than the side we can see on here. Good luck with whatever decision you make x

@soulfulsarah
Very wise woman.

Are you absolutely crazy? You give up everything to look after HIS five kids? No wonder he wants to progress the relationship ... you're a damn sight cheaper than getting a live-in nanny and housekeeper.

It doesn't sound much of a bargain to me. Having been divorced I am very sure that financial independence is a vital part of any relationship. This doesn't mean keeping everything separate it means being able to have control over finances, an equal say in big decisions and an income of your own.

You and your children are taking all the risks. Someone who only reluctantly commits to you is ever a good partner.

It’s a no from me.

No no no. Don’t do it, what happens if it doesnt workout? Why are you giving up everything for him? What about your kids, moving them away from what they know

He sounds controlling, and that’s what will happen if you become dependant on him

Just don’t do it

No way. You'd be completely trapped.

Getting married does not negate the risk of being left high and dry with no income or housing if the relationship breaks down. These things take time to reestablish after a separation.You may be marginally more secure than if you moved in and didn't marry, but it's still such a vulnerable position to be in.

Hell would freeze over before I would give another person this type of control over me. I also think that the reality of looking after 7 kids during holidays, with such an age difference would be much harder than you think. He will be there to help you at moment... he will be at work 5 days a week as the normal. So it’s a no from me

@soulfulsarah (agree with you 100%). Growing up my mum always said to me:

Never give up your financial independence for a partner as it could mean giving up my personal independence. Never give up your career and question the intentions of any partner who asked you to do so. I know there are circumstances when you may need to do this, but you have known this man for two years.

I honestly don't know what is happening with some women. We seem to be regressing back to the 1950's and forgetting the hard fought for battles for equality. Are you really prepared to uproot your life and that of your children for a man you have known for such a short time to be his housekeeper and nanny?

Don't do it. What's the rush?

Easy to see what he gains from this proposal. Looks like he is even prepared to offer marriage. Big of him.

For you, why ever would you risk your current life and career and your DC

Just Noooooo

Wonder why you are even asking. Is there something deep down that suggests you ought to help him out?

If he really is lovely, continue to date and wait for the DC to all leave home before moving in together.

God no. You'd be mad to consider it.
If he wants a nanny he should just employ one.

Wow, a resounding no! I thought it'd be more a 50/50 split as my thoughts are.
He knows I love being around taking my children to school, collecting and more time with them in evenings, weekends and holidays (I took a part-time 28hr wk job just before I met him, had always had to work fulltime previously. I love being at home with them, cooking. Equally more aware it's just me and my 2 children, another adult and a further 5 children alot more work).
I really need to think about this as I thought he was being kind to us as he has a huge 6 bed house and has said he can extend so the children all have their own bedrooms as now.
He's financially secure, owns his businesses and is worth several million.
He can't move as his children are with their Mum 50/50 and she wouldn't agree for them to move school (they both have large houses each in the same County to house their children each week they have them each).
I had thought I would rent my house out as an income/future savings for my children.
We are both too old now for anymore children.
The children all get on well.
I certainly need to think more!

So 5 wasn’t a typo? Crikey. Presumably he’ll be paying you the wage of a live-in nanny and callgirl then?

Hell no.

So - you want to uproot your children from a good home/school situation and give up your career for a man who you’ve known for two years???? And who made 5 children with someone and left them?
He sounds like a catch. And who wouldn’t want to give up independence and earning potential to become a housekeeper for all those children. And let’s not forget how your kids would feel in that house - outnumbered by his gang.

I am sorry. But how can you possibly think it’s a good idea.

I suggest he hires a nanny for the kids and a cook! That way he’d be looking after his children and not expecting you to be a skivvy