Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

50:50 custody also means no child maintenance due from either party to the other ?

Is that what he fought so hard for?

I agree with all the PPs réservations about this and really wouldn't like this arrangement but I also don't really understand the finances behind it. If he's a multimillionaire why pay you what you currently earn? it's small change to him. Or why not employ you and also give you an 'allowance'. Also, why would you be paying for food? For a family of 9 that will use up a massive chunk of your 'salary'. Would you also be responsible for your DCs other outgoing, for example holidays/clothes? If he is a millionaire, his and his children's lifestyle will be much more lavish than your current one. Will he pay for you and your children to have the same lifestyles, if not there will be a disparity between your children. Your 2000k salary won't go anywhere. There seem to loads of unknowns here and it doesn't make sense. Is he proposing for you to get married before you move? Or does he expect you to move and then get married?

Hey OP,

It sounds like you have worked really hard to get the best for you and your children.

I have a friend who did similar, what she found was when her car broke he got her a brand new one. Not one she could afford herself but she didn't have enough income to say differently. She got a lovely car but it wasn't hers. The banger she had owned for years disappeared.

Her partner and his son liked one of her children more than the other. The other moved out to grandmas when he was 15 and now just visits.

My friend is still at the beck and call of the other two. One hers, one his.

It's taken her 5 years to convince him to get a cleaner as he is so pedantic about it being down everyday.

She is also unhappy as she doesn't get to leave the house and socialise.

In your shoes if you decide to go through with it then I would want the house ring fenced for your two children. I would also have a clear amount that is for the house, include everything, then

Sorry, include everything. Then your wage in on top. Kids stuff is on top.
Get a savings account and put money in to it every month. Just in case x

Paying for the food of two adults and seven children. Five of the children have never been told no.

What happens when they complain about the food that is purchased? They want branded biscuits and 'snacks'. They waste food which you have purchased ? Who tells them no, that's all for how. Does he back up up ?

What do his food bills look like now? Is he keen on labour saving for you too or are ready meals just for his convenience ? Do you have to cook from scratch?

Nightmare.

@FinallyHere

50:50 custody also means no child maintenance due from either party to the other ?

Is that what he fought so hard for?

Bingo. Exactly what I thought too.

Sorry I've presumed that he's a millionaire from some of your posts but sounds like you're not sure, in which case I think that you should definitely get a proper understanding of his finances/what it properly on offer/ how it would work before considering this

NOOOO. omg this is a horrible idea. Is a man really worth this sacrifice? Why not continue your relationship as -is? The job title won't help you find a job once it's understood you don't actually work.

Why did he get half custody if he wants to outsource the work to you?

Your kids are so young just focus on them. You won't be relaxed and totally focused on your kids. You will have to take care of this man and his 5(!!!) kids.

Right now you're financially independent, have two well adjusted kids, and have a great relationship. Why not keep living this life for the next few years?

The other bad feeling I have with his ex-wife's situation is no child-maintenance is paid! He did mention, when he went for 50/50 custody he didn't realise he didn't have to pay child maintenance which I find hard to believe tbh. Although they both seem to almost be in competition with each other wanting to buy the childrens uniform etc. Clothles, pay the subs for activities etc. The children have alot (too much, duplicates which they of course outgrow quickly. For instance rugby kit and shoes, ice-skating boots at each house not going between homes).
I haven't been serious enough to talk through details with him part financials.
The cooking I find odd (on par with not knowing the value of money, even for older children compared to mine, even things like where food comes from!) I can understand with 5 young children, his ex-w used ready meals and has just continued as has he. I imagine they can both cook, at least basic things but neither does and I find it sad.
My children 'falling out of favour' is something that I am really concerned about. Along with things a long way off but when mine go to Uni they will most likely have to work part-time, at the best budget. His won't. If we were to be together in 10-15yrs this would be concerning. Hence why I'm saving what I can for them now and if moved, the rental income would be saved for them.

There’s some people painting their own bitter narrative onto this. The same posters who come into any relationship thread and spout their poison against men. Ignore much of what they say as they will twist anything to make out that the guy is the baddie.

You’ve had some great advice here about being cautious and going into it with your eyes open. Your first responsibility is to protect your own children so make sure whatever you agree works for them. If you do marry then make sure that you sign a prenup that protects you and your families.

The whole thing seems slightly unlikely and kinda fairytale-esque but if you can make it work for you all then it might be a great move.

He did mention, when he went for 50/50 custody he didn't realise he didn't have to pay child maintenance which I find hard to believe tbh.

Congratulations, he's either a liar or an idiot.

Someone as well off as you think he is would be able to afford a solicitor who would have made this kind of thing clear to him. Very clear.

So either 1. He is lying to about being well off and isn't as well off as he makes out (at all - even a shit solicitor would have explained this to him), 2. is lying to you about knowing this because he did it to avoid paying maintenance (not genuinely wanting his kids 50% of the time hence not learning to make them a meal / hire a nanny - and hence wanting you to move in and do that stuff), or 3. He is truly stupid enough to have not involved a solicitor at any point in the divorce.

I'd say 2 is the most likely but all are very unattractive.

If you know he is lying about the motivation for 50% and that he perfectly well knew the effect it has on CM, why wasn't that a big red flag to you?

If you were to go ahead I don't think signing your house over to the children is a good idea. When grown, it will affect things such as benefits if they were to need them and could end up being lost in their own divorces. Obviously these things may not happen but be aware.

🚩 no chance.
Leave your dc at their school and don’t disrupt their education for a man who seemingly wants it easy for himself.

@wiinon OP- you live an hour away from each other, so rather than you moving in with him couldn't you jointly buy a property in between where you both live?

He might have a lot of money but he sounds cheap to me. Can't cook? Someone worth millions would either get someone in to teach them the basics (if he's intelligent enough to build up several businesses he's entirely capable of learning to cook), or employ a cook/ housekeeper type person. Unless he is a tightwad. Or just doesn't think eating properly is important (a ready meal now and then maybe...but every meal?!). Or perhaps thinks cooking is beneath him and is a service to be provided free of charge by his wife.

None of those options sounds great to me. I would never live with someone who wouldn't cook ever. It says a lot about a person and none of it good.

The inequality between children would be my concern. When he's flashing the cash buying his kids ponies and whatever, is he going to do the same for yours? Or will they be your children, for you alone to fund? Ditto Christmas and birthdays.

Also is your kids being around going to cause resentment. Sounds like he enjoys doing his own thing every other week...how's he going to feel with 2 children there all the time?

I'd run a mile from this situation. However I suspect you may be swayed by the money and the apparent attraction of the luxury lifestyle...all that glisters is not gold etc.

If you marry, your children’s university finances will be based on your joint finances. Have you thought about that? How will you / they afford it?

If your children are happy at school, don't move them and forfeit their places for a relatively short relationship.

Don't become a domestic drudge for a man and five children who aren't yours. Sounds a bit like he wants a housekeeper/nanny but doesn't want to pay them properly.

You (and your children) are being asked to give up the happy secure life you've managed to build for them for a relatively high-risk situation.

I wouldn’t rule out shit cold lawyers being used in the divorce. She managed to get spousal but not child maintenance top up.

And his accountants must be worse if they file profits worth millions in companies house. No wonder they need ghost employees.

You will get a fraction of one-on-one time with your own DC. At the moment, they are enjoying the novelty of meeting up with the other 5, but when they are around 50% of the time in ‘their’ house with all their swanky clothes/toys, whatever, I think the novelty will wear off.

Why did they split up?

Do you ever say no to him about plans or whatever and does he respond favourably?

He says his exw feeds the kids nothing but ready meals - you really have no idea what she feeds them. But you know for a fact he feeds the kids nothing but ready meals.

This is an unbelievable thread.

The OP has apparently worked very hard to provide for her children and is now putting her children's future in jeopardy over a man that sounds like a creep.

Didn't know about 50/50 not involving maintenance. A liar.

Wants you to give up everything.
Wants you to skivvy for the family.
Pay the enormous food fill for 8.
Act as taxi driver!

Have you even the tiniest idea how much work 7 teens are.
Feeding them!!
Cooking and cleaning for them all.

He feeds his kids shit, even though he's a millionaire.
Can't afford a cleaner and a housekeeper.

OP, you are putting your children's lives in peril with this madness.

No way will you come out of this ahead.

I wouldn't trust him to not ditch you like his wife.

Examine really carefully how he treated his wife.

He's a liar and no prize.

7 children and you think you'll spend more time with yours.

You are spectacularly naive.

Good luck.

"The other bad feeling I have"

OP this is all I needed to read. Please do not move in and leave your job. Trust your gut at all times. Something is up and your gut is telling you this isn't quite right. It sounds on the outside like a lovely fairy tale. The clash of up bringing from your children and his will become more evident if you choose to move in together. Stay as you are and continue for a few years more and see how it goes.

If you're married, there's still the risk the relationship doesn't last.

You've got a comfortable well organised independent life and should be very wary of giving it all up for a man who seems more interested in acquiring a live-in housekeeper /childminder who would be completely dependent on him financially.

Honestly, OP, maybe think about it in around five years. Xx

instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends

Laundry housework and cooking for nine people isnt work?