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Original poster

Marrying and giving-up work!

267 replies

WiiNon · 28/07/2020 17:15

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 28/07/2020 19:43

I’m a great believer in financial independence.
As someone who has been stung in the past due to second marriages, I’m not a fan of them.

MsTSwift · 28/07/2020 19:45

Are you Maria Vonn Trapp?

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 19:49

...and his 6 bedroom mansion will pass to her

Assuming there's a 6 bedder and assuming he owns it, it won't go to her. Any decent business person has their assets wound up tight.

Anyway, the whole story smells. Unless OP has met his family and friends who have totally vouched for thr whole thing, and seen him bossing at his business, she really doesn't know anything. Even then, she has no idea what the debt situation is. He can put anything he wants on companies house. He just uploads some unaudited accounts. 🤷‍♀️

This relationship reeks of a good Monet - looks great from a distance. Look closer OP, but don't stake the house (and job) on it.

mrsmummy1111 · 28/07/2020 19:49

I'm utterly saddened (although of course, not at all surprised) by 90% of the comments on this thread. It just screams bitterness and jealously, probably because most women have to work a normal 9-5 job and would love nothing more than to be given the chance to spend more time at home and with the children.

Those of you who are saying OPs partner just wants her to be a "housemaid" and those suggesting she won't even see the money from this "job" that she would be doing, what on Earth gives you the impression that this man will just make her work and not pay her? There's absolutely NO indication that he would do this - most men are not this callous and cruel. And the housemaid comments are just fucking stupid. A huge majority of women go to work full time and still have to do the majority of the housework on top of that. It's hardly out of the ordinary. Is it so hard to believe that maybe, just maybe, he wants to offer her the chance of a slightly easier life and a chance to spend more time with the kids?

When DH & I got engaged and wanted to start a family, I worked a very demanding job with long stressful hours. He owned a successful business and said did I want to go and work for him, he would pay me the same salary but I could work the hours around our family. So that's what I did. I get my salary paid into my account to this day, and it suits us down to the ground. Not every man is as bad as MN would like you to think.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/07/2020 19:49

@AIMD

I’m confused. If he spends loads of time with his kids, works when he wants and has a load of money why is he suggesting you come and take on the childcare and housework. Why not just ask you to move in and find a way for you to continue work and take a share of his house. Why the focus on childcare when you both have that sorted already?

I wouldn’t be willing to move in under these circumstances after only 2 years.

Yes, this is what I don’t get. Plus it sounds like this “salary” he’s going to pay you through his business is intended to be used for the running of the household or have I taken that up wrong Confused?
Lifeisabeach09 · 28/07/2020 19:50

Are you Maria Vonn Trapp?

Grin

I vote no, OP. As PP have said, do not give up your life and independence (or children's!) just yet. Wait and see how it goes.

Original poster
WiiNon · 28/07/2020 19:52

I looked into him including Co. Hse as I'm not going to just believe what someone tells me (when we were talking of living together in the future).
He hasn't said as much (going on his previous very long-term marriage) he'd expect me to do the child and household tasks, the latter which he doesn't enjoy (and can so sometimes hires in help to clean, iron etc.) He has a manufacturing co. that is his bread and butter. Then alot of property let. Plus start-up FinTechs. (He enjoys the latter and spending time working on those. As well as days at the healthclub).
I could carry on working, an extra commute but tbh I'm tiring of it and feel burnt out 😊 enough to pre-lockdown collect my children or cook their dinner and take them to their activities. I just can't envision a nice life when I'm stressed and there's him fulltime and an additional 5 children to do the same for every-other week.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/07/2020 19:54

If he's that well off, he can get an actual cleaner in - why would you do it? Why wouldn't you look for something within your skillset but less hours again, rather than becoming his maid and nanny?

What would you want your dc to do in this situation?

If you do it, get married first before you move in, or you may find the wedding never happens.

KitKatKit · 28/07/2020 19:56

You would be nuts to do this. Dont!

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/07/2020 19:57

It just screams bitterness and jealously, probably because most women have to work a normal 9-5 job and would love nothing more than to be given the chance to spend more time at home and with the children.

What planet are you on?! The advice given is trying to protect OP and her children from future financial harm. A lot of women give up their homes and financial freedom for new relationships and end up homeless and broke.
Also, what's stats do you have that 'most women' would want to spend more time at home with their children?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 28/07/2020 19:57

@mrsmummy1111did you miss that he’s suggested she give up work? She says so in her first post. The salary isn’t for working in his business and in fact she later seems to suggest that this money would be spent on the household.

Some of the comments may be ott but based on what the OP herself has posted there is reason to question what it is he’s looking for here. OP really needs to consider her own and dcs future if this doesn’t work out like a modern day Brady Bunch.

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 19:58

How about tell him your family solictor has advised you tie up the house before marriage and see what he says? If he's like "oh, of course, for your kids, why wouldn't you?" smile kiss hug then great. Very positive (and still tie up the house).

If his reaction, however, is "blergh, don't you trust me?" sulk sulk sulk ... that will also be useful information.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/07/2020 20:02

He'd expect me to do the child and household tasks

Great, if you enjoy this stuff and choose not to work out of the home.

I just can't envision a nice life when I'm stressed and there's him fulltime and an additional 5 children to do the same for every-other week.

You answered your own question. Stay in your own space.

From what you've said, he has things all planned out. Even your role(s).

Cherylina · 28/07/2020 20:09

He's financially secure, owns his businesses and is worth several million.

Marry him Wink Then even if it does go tits up you'll be in the position to start afresh!

damnthatanxiety · 28/07/2020 20:14

I don't understand why he doesn't have a regular daily housekeeper if he hates domestic work and is loaded

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 20:17

@damnthatanxiety

I don't understand why he doesn't have a regular daily housekeeper if he hates domestic work and is loaded
Exactly. He'd have a nanny, housekeeper/cook and weekly gardener at minimum.

He's not loaded.

Original poster
WiiNon · 28/07/2020 20:18

I like to think he wants to look after myself and my children and is simply a kind person and that it is my gut instinct.
He outsources tasks in the home when he's busy with work or wants a break. (As pathetic as it sounds, I'm impressed he'll be cleaning the kitchen floor, whole house. Washing and ironing for 5x and himself. He can't cook, they live off ready meals, along with fruit and some treats. I find him to be an amazing parent (although aware he has a weeks break every-other week).
During the last few months we've both worked and homeschooled and more recently become a bubble. I find it difficult with my 2. I've found even with him being the adult there, stressful when I have to concentrate or have conference calls with 7 children and realise it would be the same going forwards with working back in the office or just from home.
The children all get on very well, my eldest is the same age as his youngest. The eldest only 6 years older. There's not a huge difference. They all want to look after my youngest and he's only 2 years younger than his youngest. The children get on very well (his younger 3 and my 2 all play together, his eldest 2 want to look after them all. For instance, the eldest 2 will still even go to soft play with the 3 and my 2 in previous months. We often split our time where he does more that interest the eldest 2, myself the 5 and swap).

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/07/2020 20:19

Ultimately someone has to move if you want to live together- he has 5 kids, equally why should he move!!

If I were you, and assuming he can afford it, I’d rent out my house, marry him, move in, keep my job and hire all the household help I would needWink

AdriannaP · 28/07/2020 20:19

To employ you without you actually working for his business is also a tax dodge. I wouldn’t trust someone who suggests this.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/07/2020 20:22

Holy fk. I don't have enough time, ever, to write down all the reasons why giving up your work for a salary is a good idea. How long before your salary needs reduced for cash flow? And, wtf would you be able to do about it when now, all lovef up, you don't know anything about the business? If he's genuine then both of you list all of your assets, get yourself down to the solicitors and sign 50 % of everything over to each other. I'm now starting again my career after having been shafted by my big tycoon bastard xh. Honestly I could get worried about you. Please don't do this.

RedRumTheHorse · 28/07/2020 20:23

@mrsmummy1111

I'm utterly saddened (although of course, not at all surprised) by 90% of the comments on this thread. It just screams bitterness and jealously, probably because most women have to work a normal 9-5 job and would love nothing more than to be given the chance to spend more time at home and with the children.

Those of you who are saying OPs partner just wants her to be a "housemaid" and those suggesting she won't even see the money from this "job" that she would be doing, what on Earth gives you the impression that this man will just make her work and not pay her? There's absolutely NO indication that he would do this - most men are not this callous and cruel. And the housemaid comments are just fucking stupid. A huge majority of women go to work full time and still have to do the majority of the housework on top of that. It's hardly out of the ordinary. Is it so hard to believe that maybe, just maybe, he wants to offer her the chance of a slightly easier life and a chance to spend more time with the kids?

When DH & I got engaged and wanted to start a family, I worked a very demanding job with long stressful hours. He owned a successful business and said did I want to go and work for him, he would pay me the same salary but I could work the hours around our family. So that's what I did. I get my salary paid into my account to this day, and it suits us down to the ground. Not every man is as bad as MN would like you to think.

The difference between you and the OP is neither you and your DH had children from other relationships. This means unlike the OP all assets are joint.
category12 · 28/07/2020 20:24
  • Marry him but only move in after the wedding.
  • Insist on a cleaner.
  • Keep your job (and drop hours) or get a job nearby, so you keep up a career going.

Do you have a daughter? Would you want her to do what you're considering?

Saharafordessert · 28/07/2020 20:26

It’s a HUGE no from me too but I think you’ve already talked yourself into it OP.

RedRumTheHorse · 28/07/2020 20:26

@AdriannaP

To employ you without you actually working for his business is also a tax dodge. I wouldn’t trust someone who suggests this.
It's actually legal as spouses provide lots of support including emotional that staff can't provide.

Though I don't know why the OP wants to be a domestic servant to 7 children.

Viviennemary · 28/07/2020 20:26

I couldn't think of a worse nightmare than being an SAHM to seven children. Five of whom weren't even mine.