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Original poster

Marrying and giving-up work!

267 replies

WiiNon · 28/07/2020 17:15

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 28/07/2020 18:29

Given he is financially secure, provided he doesn’t want a pre nup and you get married before you move then I dot think it’s a terrible move.

And I’m usually the first to warn against becoming dependent on a man.

Nanalisa60 · 28/07/2020 18:30

Sorry what year is this again 1955?

But if it makes you happy go for it , but what ever you do don’t sell your house rent it out and Squirrel the money away.

PegasusReturns · 28/07/2020 18:31

Although with 7 children you’ll clearly need some help in the form of a nanny and a cleaner.

OhioOhioOhio · 28/07/2020 18:31

I did this. He took away all my independence. Nightmare. Finally divorced.

damnthatanxiety · 28/07/2020 18:33

eh, I am less negative about this. It's all how it is framed. He has money, I presume he currently has a cleaner/housekeeper. I would expect him to agree to continue to employ them as it is too big a job to keep a 6+ bed house and look after 7 children. You will be exhausted and the fun will leave the relationship. I would make it clear that you would also be looking for a part time job (maybe something at a school that is term time only). I would also ask that you are given a financial buffer in case things go tits up and you are left worse off having moved. You need to0 have a really honest conversation about finances. If for example, when the day comes that he passes, I presume his 5 DC will inherit. Will you be left homeless? If you can keep your current house and rent it out then you will be more secure. If all this is in place, I would suggest you think seriously about it. Great partners are not easy to find. If he is a good one and you really love each other, then don't reject it outright.

damnthatanxiety · 28/07/2020 18:34

PegasusReturns

I would expect a pre-nup of some sort. He has 5 DC. What sort of man would marry a second wife and not have a pre-nup to protect their assets. It doesn't have to mean wife 2 gets nothing. But the DC must be looked after.

managinged · 28/07/2020 18:34

No, absolutely not! He's presenting this to you as an act of kindness and generosity. Don't be fooled by it. What he really wants is to get you under his control. He wants you to slot right into his life. That will be nice and convenient for him. You'll end up being his nanny and servant and eventually he'll treat you that way, taking you for granted, speaking to you in a patronizing way. You'll be trapped, financially.

Keep your freedom and financial independence.

damnthatanxiety · 28/07/2020 18:36

MMmomDD I'm sorry, I missed the but where the OP said that the man left the mother of his 5 x DC. They split up. Where does it say he abandoned her? She may have left him.....they may have mutually agreed to part. Where does it say he left? The fact that they both live in large houses and share their DC 50:50 suggests there is no awful behaviour going on. Do you always blame the men in failed marriages?

Sakurami · 28/07/2020 18:37

Regardless of the circumstances, looking after 7 kids is going to be so hard - emotionally and physically. And then negotiating the teenage years and you'll be caught in the middle.

What you have now is perfect, each have your kids, job, house and get together for fun and focus on each other. Live together and the drudgery of housework and looking after a gazillion kids would nuke whatever you have as couple.

WinnieLowCo · 28/07/2020 18:40

a part time job would be so much easier than looking after all of those kids.

You have balance right now. You work. You earn. You have your home and your kids and a relationship. It'd be madness to jeopardise it all.

damnthatanxiety · 28/07/2020 18:42

@managinged

No, absolutely not! He's presenting this to you as an act of kindness and generosity. Don't be fooled by it. What he really wants is to get you under his control. He wants you to slot right into his life. That will be nice and convenient for him. You'll end up being his nanny and servant and eventually he'll treat you that way, taking you for granted, speaking to you in a patronizing way. You'll be trapped, financially.

Keep your freedom and financial independence.

WOW! What an assumption. Why do people assume the worst in people. Maybe it is really much more straightforward. He can't move as he has his kids 50:50. He has business's that generate a whole lot more money that the OP earns. It is logical to therefore live where he lives. He made a suggestion that she could move into his house and if she wants, she can give up work. Why does this suddenly make him a monster? When I met my DH, he didn't mind if I worked or not. He treats me like a Queen and I am beyond lucky to be with him....almost 30 years now. Not all men are bastards looking to control their women. I literally do whatever the hell I want. I have a fabulous life and have a husband who supports me in all my whims and fancy's
managinged · 28/07/2020 18:43

Also, what is the story with the ages of the children? You were saying that you've been in the relationship for 2 years. Your younger child is an infant. Is he the father of that child?

You were also saying that the youngest of his five children is an infant. Does that mean that he and his soon-to-be ex-wife had a baby recently?

GingerMcKenna · 28/07/2020 18:47

Please don’t do any of this. You’ve got a job, your own home and are ticking along nicely with your 2 kids. WHY would you want to give it all up? And why is he happy for you to give it all up to be jobless, living in his house and looking after (his) 5 extra children?!

NO. No, no, no.

Wowthisisreal · 28/07/2020 18:48

I had assumed she meant infant school age @managinged as OP talks about school drop offs.

chatterbugmegastar · 28/07/2020 18:51

I certainly need to think more!

You certainly need to say no.

What a horrible backwards step for you

BluebellsGreenbells · 28/07/2020 18:54

Your younger child is an infant

Infant school age - reception year one or year two

LatteLover12 · 28/07/2020 18:54

Good grief OP, please don't do this!

bellsbuss · 28/07/2020 18:55

I would as long as there was a legal financial agreement drawn up, I would speak to your friends as well as you will mainly get negativity on this site.

Trinketsfor20 · 28/07/2020 18:57

Sorry, but he would like to -

  1. Get a woman to give up her house and career,
  2. To live in with him
  3. Cook , clean and do wrap around care for his 5 kids
  4. Whilst she can of course bring her own 2 with her
  5. And have the rights to sleep with this woman.

You ask what is wrong with this scenario!

RedRumTheHorse · 28/07/2020 18:58

No.

It's all lovely at the moment but if things go wrong as he's wealthy he can afford to screw you.

Stay where you are. He can afford a nanny so he should hire one and any other help he needs to look after his children.
There is absolutely no need for you to marry each other so carry on dating and having fun at least until all your children are grown up and don't live with you. I know plenty of older mostly retirement age couples who do this.

Love51 · 28/07/2020 19:00

Infant means key stage one.

The good bits about this aren't so good when you stop and think. As kids get older they start wanting space from each other. His 5 might not want to be on the same contact schedule forever, some might want to be at yours to get away from siblings. Then you have given up everything to be with your kids, but actually you never get time with them alone.
I am naturally wary of blending families though. I work with families so possibly my views are skewed as I always see the overburdened mums, presumably it works for some families. I'm trying really hard and can't think of any though.

PicsInRed · 28/07/2020 19:01

He's not "giving you a job", it's a tax dodge. Doubt you'll have exclusive use of that cash. Doubt you'll even see it.

You get married and he now owns your house too. How much do you even know of his TRUE financial situation? None so attractive a woman as her with a house and good job. 🤔

The rest of it - you splash your hard earned security and that of your children right up the wall just to become the unpaid skivvy to him and his kids.

Sounds great, where do I sign up?

TheQueef · 28/07/2020 19:02

Practical fella eh?
It almost reads as a job description.

You need a rethink and a hard one. You are considering this but there is fuck all in it for you.

managinged · 28/07/2020 19:02

Ok, "infant school age". Thanks for clearing that up; I was a little confused.

Coldspringharbour · 28/07/2020 19:03

Have I read this right, he has five kids and you have two. I would run a mile. You will end up being a skivvy for seven kids. Not to mention the fact that you will end up financially broke, homeless, devoid of independence. You would be absolutely crazy to do this. Surely you can see this. Don’t be fooled into marrying him either. He should employ a housekeeper.