Marrying and giving-up work!

[WiiNon]

There's so much info. to explain but I don't want to be too outing but would really like peoples advice.
I've been in a relationship with DP for 2 years, I have 2 young children, (primary infants age, he has 5 infants to senior school age, their age is rele8as they're all school age. 50/50 with their Mum).
We've wanted to progress the relationship rather than just continue dating, especially with living an hour away from each other.
He asked us to move into his house, I've been reluctant as it is too much of a risk, he could ask us to leave at anytime! My children go to a good school where we live and are happy there. I own our small home, have a decent job that fits mostly around school times (some good childcare). I can't risk uprooting them and it doesn't work out and we then can't easily move back due to lack of school places. (I thought I could rent my house out) However my job is just a 30min commute to the city, I'd be at least doubling it.
He very recently suggested we could marry. This then makes it less of a risk to move into his house, schools and for work. However, with the children combined I'd need to change work hours so that I could do some drop off and collections. He has also since said I could give-up my job, he would employ me through his businesses and pay me a wage. I could have the time with mine and his children (which I'd love). Although I'm not so happy about the thought of giving up a career to do school drop offs and collections but would love the time with them, especially school holidays. Although instead of working I'd simply be cleaning the house, washing etc. For the children and us. Although every-other week I'd have less to do and could hopefully make friends and be involved in the school and have a simple life.
Sorry it's long, advice please.

Wow! I am actually pretty shocked at the comments on control, being a laundry maid, childminder and cook...

OP I think you need to have a conversation with your partner and talk through what exactly is to happen IF YOU decide to progress in your relationship. You knew he had 5 kids, he knew you had 2 and given you want to move the relationship forward, it will mean you'll both need to adjust to 7 kids!

Only you know your partner, you know if there are controlling habits or whether he just wants to live his life with you. Anyone who says he can leave you high and dry - isn't that the case with any marriage? You are free to leave at any time if it doesn't work. Sometimes compromise is needed, if you're willing to uproot and settle elsewhere, great. If not, talk to your partner. It could be an opportunity to buy together somewhere in the middle, or closer to you as his kids sound a bit older than yours.

I am just so shocked by some of these comments. Do what is best for you and your family, obviously, but take everything here with a pinch of salt and talk to your partner.

Please think about the 7 children in this scenario. Far too early to blend households after only 2 years. Especially as a long distance relationship aswell.

I've been thinking about this constantly and even more so after asking for opinions I really thought it'd be positive for my children, myself, his children and him.
Him and his ex-w grew apart, as did I and my ex-h.
I've surprised myself being happy to give everything up. I've always been independent and had a decent career. The childrens dad and I split-up when I was pregnant with my youngest. He left for his home country and doesn't see our children or pay maintenance. So my DP seemed wonderful fighting for joint custody of his and being so involved.
I worked hard to pay off my mortgage and have since taken the part time role. I take home just over 2K which isn't alot but enough for the 3 of us to have pay the bill's, have a holiday and treats. Our house is very small but ours. Although I have atm hardly any pension and my children don't have trust funds of course.
He works for fun, around his children. He does drop offs, collections and spends the time with his children weekends and holidays he has them. The week he doesn't he works and catches up with household jobs. Although I'm aware he would expect myself to take over this with his proposal although he hasn't said this (but I currently do with my 2 and as per his ex-w, he also supports her financially through spousal maintenance).
His children have trust funds.
They'd be lots of differences between his and my children (his children are lovely we all get on well).
He had said he would pay the same wage I currently earn (the job would really be a title and a means to pay me through his business) although the equal money I earn I pay bill's, childcare, etc. and even having to only use it for the food bill and my money for 8 people I think I'd be worse off, on par at the best financially (but I would have time at home with the children). I would also have the funds from renting out my house/selling it (but if I was to change our life I would want either options to be savings for my children)
My childrens school is outstanding, as is his childrens. My concern is if things didn't work my children wouldn't get their current school place back and we'd be stuck in his County which is remote and a decent commute to the nearest city and more difficult but not impossible after a almost 2 decades currently career in my field (dependent on length of time out!)
Our life is good. We have our house, live in a nice area and excellent schools. I have a career and look after us (but pathetic as it sounds I like the thought of the 3 of us being looked after by someone that can provide more)
Hopefully I'm explaining and not rambling!

Youare free to leave at any time if it doesn't work

Not if she's married. Then he gets half - or even MORE than half if his need is deemed by the family court to be higher (which it would be, with 5 kids to her 2).

"Live laugh love hun! x" 💫 won't save this woman from have her ticket clipped on the way out and she may never financially recover from it.

Jesus hes paying you a wage i be a bloody nanny to his 5 kids.

You have a paid off house?

Jesus, don't marry him.
How do you know his kids have trust funds?

Remember, on divorce, a poor man will need to take half your house and a rich man will have his assets sewn up tight. A middling man will just be expensive to divorce properly. If you have a paid off house and a good flexible job which allows you to work part time and live comfortably you would be absolutely MAD to give that up and risk everything for a man whose financial situation you have no way of truly knowing and who wants you unemployed, isolated and looking after his 5 kids for free.

Finally, without some fancy footwork, your house would pass to him on your death, rather than your kids.

No. No. No.

No. 🤨

Do they actually have trust funds or just glorified savings accounts?

I can see why it’s tempting. But I’d be very loathed to uproot my life for any man. You’ve worked hard for a decent job, you’ve got your own house and the kids are settled in a good school. I’m not sure I’d be willing to give that up on a promise that may well go very very wrong.

There doesn’t seem to be any mention of love here.......
Surely, if you love someone, you wouldn’t have any doubts about the situation - there are solutions to every issue.
To be weighing up pros and cons appears to indicate that your heart really isn’t in it.
Divorced in my twenties with 3 DC’s, I met and married a widower with 2 young DS’s. Yes, it was tough - we both worked to provide for our children, and to have a reasonably secure retirement. We had 34 happy years together, before his death. Neither of us focused on ‘what we were giving up’ because we loved each other. Children grow up and leave (hopefully), and then you are able to relax a bit and enjoy time with your OH.
I certainly would not have chosen a different life.

He works for fun but earns enough to set up trust funds for his 5 kids and pay his wife spousal maintenance? Wow. What job does he do?!

What is he planning to do with the time you are freeing up for him by doing childcare and housekeeping?

And will your children be going to the same school as his?

Do not marry anyone. They will be entitled to half of what’s yours.
Keep your house as your children’s inheritance.

Everything said above but also I think your 2 children will feel very outnumbered and bit like afterthoughts in this scenario. How much time have they spent with his 5 children?

You absolutely must not do this. He can then change your finances into an inaccessble pot of gold. You won't know whether you are coming or going. He's a player op.

@SteelyPanther

Do not marry anyone. They will be entitled to half of what’s yours. Keep your house as your children’s inheritance.

He's a millionaire...she lives in a modest house. She is not the one who needs to be worried about this

I'm not sure what financials he has set-up for his children, he has commented previously they have as much as him but not detailed.
He has his big house, businesses and holiday homes. I know through my earlier research, Companies House 😊 his accounts show a few million.
Tbh I'm absolutely in love with him. He's everything I've ever wanted. However it has always been the 3 of us and I can't ever put someone before what is best for my children. (So I hold back, after my marriage failing and then being solely responsible for two young children I have to think of them, not my feelings for someone else and to be harsh, of the mindset of ending things at a moments notice if things aren't right for my children). So it has to be about practicalities not love.

@PicsInRed

You have a paid off house?

Jesus, don't marry him.
How do you know his kids have trust funds?

Remember, on divorce, a poor man will need to take half your house and a rich man will have his assets sewn up tight. A middling man will just be expensive to divorce properly. If you have a paid off house and a good flexible job which allows you to work part time and live comfortably you would be absolutely MAD to give that up and risk everything for a man whose financial situation you have no way of truly knowing and who wants you unemployed, isolated and looking after his 5 kids for free.

Finally, without some fancy footwork, your house would pass to him on your death, rather than your kids.

No. No. No.

No. 🤨

...and his 6 bedroom mansion will pass to her. It's amazing how people seem to think all men are bastards and all women are victims

Still no, despite him being a billionaire that fought for his kids and pays his wife spousal maintenance.

I’m confused. If he spends loads of time with his kids, works when he wants and has a load of money why is he suggesting you come and take on the childcare and housework. Why not just ask you to move in and find a way for you to continue work and take a share of his house. Why the focus on childcare when you both have that sorted already?

I wouldn’t be willing to move in under these circumstances after only 2 years.

@WiiNon

I'm not sure what financials he has set-up for his children, he has commented previously they have as much as him but not detailed. He has his big house, businesses and holiday homes. I know through my earlier research, Companies House 😊 his accounts show a few million. Tbh I'm absolutely in love with him. He's everything I've ever wanted. However it has always been the 3 of us and I can't ever put someone before what is best for my children. (So I hold back, after my marriage failing and then being solely responsible for two young children I have to think of them, not my feelings for someone else and to be harsh, of the mindset of ending things at a moments notice if things aren't right for my children). So it has to be about practicalities not love.

Why not continue the relationship for a couple more years the. See where you are. All the kids will be a little older, the relationship will be ore secure at that stage and hopefully you know more about what you both want.

It clearly is about practicalities if you’ve looked up his company accounts. you do understand that they are a snapshot in time which, by the time they’re filed and published, are pretty out of date?

Who knows, maybe he’s Mr Darcy and you’re Bridget Jones and the fabulous country house will be all yours to enjoy at the end of the film. Me, I’d be extremely wary of giving up my independence and career to be some rich man’s domestic assistant. But maybe you’ll enjoy dusting the copies of Country Living / Tatler / Rolling Stone (depending how classy he is) on the coffee table. What’s best for your children?

So you'd be looking after five children plus your own two for some of the time. No thanks. Don't do it.

Wow, £2k a month for a live-in cook and nanny to his five children, and sex on top.

He’s getting a bargain in you, OP.

While marriage will offer you some protection, it’s not going to be a lot of this goes belly-up quickly. Often, country’s look at returning people to their position pre-marriage if it was a short marriage (

Why does he need you to do the childcare and the pick ups and drop offs If he’s already got that sorted? Like a pp said, why don’t you carry on working?

What??
OP you can’t seriously considering giving up your home AND your job, uproot your kids to help raise his 5!
No no no no no don’t do it