Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks @Notcoolmum and @Eesha I definitely understand what you are saying and I'm working on my boundaries with him. Like putting him off last night for interview stuff so I could go on the date. This one didn't work out, maybe the next one will or the next.

I don't think I'm in danger of not moving on yet. Besides I'm in my 40's and done the marriage kids thing. I don't want that life anymore.
He's way younger and not done it (tho he still thinks he doesn't want kids, marriage yes kids no, time will tell).

@Clovertoast feeling separate would bother me. Have you spoken about meeting his friends and family? Are you on his socials? I dated someone last year who was separated but at a very early stage. He wasn't ready to tell his wife and children about me. But that also seemed to include his mum/sibling. I met a couple of his housemates but they weren't really friends. We split up after about 5 months and one of the reason was me not being able to deal with effectively being a secret. Has he met your family/friends? There is Covid in play here too which has been a complication.

I have met Mr B's child/sibling/parent and ex! But not his friends. We have talked about it. He's met my family and some friends.

@notcoolmum re: your question, do blokes agonise and wonder and think etc.? Of course ! I’m doing it right now. I had what seemed, on the face of it, to be a terrific date last night, and I’m now turning it over and looking at it from all angles and thinking about the fit. I can’t (won’t) make any conclusions as we still know so little about each other, but the thought processing is there nevertheless.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I think it’s all been said really, I do wish you luck in dealing with the messed up people in your life via counselling. Give yourself some imaginary friends that represent nurturing, protection and wisdom, and try to tune into their thoughts about situations (which will be your thoughts of course). Have them intervene for you ! This is about as ‘woo’ as I get, but it really does work. I think you’ve stood up for yourself very well in the past couple of days with Mr S.

Morning all, I hope we are all well. I took a full force heel kick to the nose from my toddler this morning So not the best start to the day!

On a positive note, my text chat with Mr T continued until midnight last night and it was great. Lots of feelings and compliments in his own ‘closed’ way. It’s quite endearing really. I’m realising that I quite like how he is. There is no love bombing and when he does give a compliment it means something.
He apologised for not being a complimentary person and I told him his body language makes up for it. He was intrigued about how he comes across and said he was going to be a robot on our next date. I joked that I’d just feel like I’d been friend zoned and he said I’m as far away from the friend zone as is currently possible :)

So I’m extra looking forward to seeing him tomorrow 😊

@Savvymymmy on reflection I shouldn’t have called you a twat. My apologies.

Oof a toddler kick to the nose! I hope you’re ok @LivingMyBestLife2020. My first DC head butted me on the bridge of my nose 28 years ago. It’s still tender. They don’t tell you about this in the baby books!

He hurts me often (accidentally mostly!) but my god, toddlers are brutal! I hope it doesn’t bruise

Morning everyone, ouch @LivingMyBestLife2020 that sounds painful, yep, I remember when my two were toddlers the bruises they used to give me accidentally. So pleased things are going well with Mr T, here’s hoping for a fun date tomorrow.

@HairyArsedMan interesting to get a males perspective, I guess I always think that us women are the only ones that mull over and over think!

I’m having a major wobble today, my birthday next week and I can’t help that feel life is passing me by and I’ve got all bitter and twisted about people younger than me who seem to be having such fun and have years ahead to find someone special to spend their life with. It all seems such hard work at the mo.

I’ve a few Irons lurking around, some I’ve had dates with, others just messaging. I fall too hard and fast for them (Well, one, Mr M, in particular!) though and trying to stay cool and ambivalent at times is wearing. Onwards and upwards though my MN friends. Can someone give me a slap!!

@HalfDutchGirl A slap 👋 for you as requested 😊

@HalfDutchGirl I hear you! I think we are a similar age and I know exactly where you are coming from. Which means I won't give you a slap! What I do try to do is keep myself very busy to stop over investing. Even my boss at work remarked on my energy! One thing I do try to have in my head is "are they right for me", rather than "do they like me". This keeps me grounded.

I need a sense check please. Mr Bike sent a lovely message after date 1 saying he realised he wasn't over his and therefore didn't want a second date. He did say he loved our date and we had a really good connection. But he's still angry. I sent back a nice message thanking him for being so honest and telling him I enjoyed it too.

So......do I message him to say when he's ready let me know and we can have that second date? Or will that scare him off? We haven't blocked each other at all, I want him to know I would like to see him again when's he's ready, but my common sense says he will come and find me anyway when he is ready if he wants to see me again.

That's a bit rambling. I hope it makes sense!! Also, I meant he's not over his ex.

@Clovertoast your post was really interesting because I've been accused in the past of doing exactly what is going on for you - I've deliberately kept my two lives (dating and family) totally separate. When I look back I can see how unfair it was. It was partly a defensive thing, not wanting someone introduced to my family if it then didn't work out, and partly because I enjoyed having a life that was just for me. I'm less guarded now but I still find it very difficult to integrate the two sides to my life, especially as I tend to do all my dating when my children are away with their Dad. That doesn't really help you, does it, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing how it feels because it's made me think.

@HalfDutchGirl I'm a similar age and I hear you! It's very hard isn't it. I agree with TomHardy about keeping busy and not making dating the focus of your life, but it's easily said!

@TomHardysBitontheside I'd leave it. It's an awful shame when the timing isn't right, but I wouldn't want to send a mixed message, if that makes sense.

By mixed message I mean keeping yourself available - it's sort of woolly.

@Dancerinthemoonlight for him to even talk about taking things slower is just another red flag. If he's into you, he will do anything to spend more time and make it happen. I don't know your situation but from my own personal experience that's a huge red flag to say he's just not that into you.

@TomHardysBitontheside no I wouldn't mention date 2. I think you have had a version of 'thanks but no thanks'. If he changes his mind he knows how to contact you.

Thanks @Notcoolmum @frocksmock for the sensible advice. That's exactly what I needed to hear!

I'm not sure if I've got a date tomorrow or not! I've known Mr Cedar in work related capacity for 3 years and last autumn I asked for his help on a project. It meant him staying on after work for a couple of hours a week for 6 weeks. We got to know each other better and at the end of the project he asked me out for a drink to celebrate getting to the end. After Christmas we had coffee at work once, and I thought he might be interested but I had somewhere to be and I cut it short. Since then we've chatted sporadically perhaps once a fortnight at most, but over lockdown we had coffee by Zoom a couple of times - hour long chats where we got talking about more than surface things. We've been talking about meeting up for a walk for ages but as we don't talk often I've been very unsure about whether this is just a friendship or whether he's interested in more. I can't gauge it at all. He's 5 years younger than me and has been single in forever. He's extremely reserved and it's taken all these 3 years to find out that he's actually very funny and very interesting! What do you all think? He's bringing a picnic and we're going for a walk.

Has there been any flirty banter @frocksmock ?

@frocksmock ooohhh interesting. Ha the talk been flirty at all? It certainly sounds datey if he’s bringing a picnic but I would want to know if it was too. I hate not knowing. I guess go into with your eyes wide open, enjoy and gauge it as it unfolds. We will definitely need updates on this one

@notcoolmum no flirty banter, but it's been an incredibly slow burner to get to the point of just feeling comfortable and having a laugh together! He really is very reserved indeed and until the end of last year we'd never got beyond pleasantries.

@livingmybestlife2020 I want to know too! I don't want to upset a friendship by getting it wrong. There will definitely be updates!

@frocksmock would you like it to be a date? Who suggested the picnic? I’m intrigued for you! You have taken my mind off my shitty day and pain in my face 🤣

I'd assume it was as friends. If he sees you as more I'm sure that will become obvious. Definitely don't think of it as a date. Not at this stage.

@livingmybestlife2020 He suggested it and I'm interested in knowing him better because the more I've got to know him the more surprised I am by him.... I'm not sure if I want it to be a date or not at this point. i'm intrigued. I don't want to go there in my head if it's just a friendly gesture. Your poor face though!
@notcoolmum Yes I'm going to go with that assumption and see.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 thanks for the slap - needed!!

@TomHardysBitontheside that's the major problem with me, I haven't got anything to keep me busy at the moment, furloughed from my work and the voluntary work I also did occasionally has also stopped, far too much thinking time! As for the Mr Bike text, going slightly against the grain I'd probably sending him a message in a week or two just to say 'hi'. No harm in keeping the lines of communication open.

@frocksmock your (not/maybe) date tomorrow sounds good. I would have thought as he'd suggested it and it's a picnic that is is a kind of date??!! But who knows and at least, as you say, it'll give you a chance to get to know him better and, going along with a 'this is not a date' attitude will help. Going to be lovely weather too so perfect for a picnic.

Goes to show how quickly things change, since my post earlier, I gave my number to someone I'd matched with on Match and long story short turns out we know each other from years and years back!! So random! We were both in other couples then! Been messaging back and forth ever since as we already sort of know each other. Certainly taken my mind of Mr M!!

That sounds good @HalfDutchGirl. A distraction is always good to stop you thinking solely about one person.

And thanks for the advice. I'm going to play it by ear. We are connected on social media and have each other's numbers. So he'll see what I get up to at least.

Sorry to hear you are furloughed. I know I've been very fortunate and my job has continued. The other thing I did was put a load of stuff of eBay which I'd been meaning to for ages.