Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Argh, I hate the fact we can’t edit posts - apologies wrong person tagged, meant @Dancerinthemoonlight

@LivingMyBestLife2020

Totally dull but it’s quite brutal booking places right now (as everyone wants a UK staycation) so if you’re looking maybe get something booked soon.

(Going through booking.com you can do a free cancellation for a lot of places?)

I must admit I’m looking forward to the yoga on beach/eat biscuits in bed/don’t shave legs kind of single woman holiday vibe

I’ve been ill this year so a break is definitely needed!

I thought of mentioning to a couple of irons I haven’t met as they’re nearby and we could meet for a drink.

but actually given that I don’t get a lot of breaks I’d rather not spend one of four nights exchanging messages/dressing up/coordinating meeting with someone if it could be a dud?

I had a little freak out earlier re messaging, all fine now tho but got me thinking about messaging and how communication has changed and how much emphasis is put on it.

My dad is 62 and cant really use a mobile. at most I get a yes/no/ok if I need to text him. I remember when I was young and he worked shifts he used to call home once a night to make sure everything was ok. Any emergencies out with that my mum would have to contact his main office. My mum didnt sit at home worrying about what he was up to etc.

I know times have changed and there is now the facility to text constantly but it just got me thinking that just because there is the facility to, doesnt mean we need to. just because someone has been online to reply to a friend/family member doesnt mean they need to say something to u too. I probably use my mobile far too much, which doesnt help. I think tomorrow I'm going to sit my phone away from me and only check it periodically. I will miss u guys but I might get more work done 😂

[quote Bunkbedpeople]@LivingMyBestLife2020

Totally dull but it’s quite brutal booking places right now (as everyone wants a UK staycation) so if you’re looking maybe get something booked soon.

(Going through booking.com you can do a free cancellation for a lot of places?)

I must admit I’m looking forward to the yoga on beach/eat biscuits in bed/don’t shave legs kind of single woman holiday vibe

I’ve been ill this year so a break is definitely needed!

I thought of mentioning to a couple of irons I haven’t met as they’re nearby and we could meet for a drink.

but actually given that I don’t get a lot of breaks I’d rather not spend one of four nights exchanging messages/dressing up/coordinating meeting with someone if it could be a dud?[/quote]
@Bunkbedpeople Thank you for the heads up.

I think in your shoes i'd want 100% peace and me time. That sounds blissful!

I'm a long term lurker here and have been OLD for some time. I have to say I agree with savvymummy ..yes it may have been direct but it just amazes me what a tizz some women get into over these flakey men. Mr S has enough red flags to make bunting and been around for a couple of weeks ...you can't possibly know someone or be 'in a relationship' after such a short amount of time. Sometimes we need people on the outside to help us see sense...Know your worth!

.. he tells me it was with reference to his house cleaning. Not me.. 🤣🤣

@Bunkbedpeople Sounds a really good idea!

@jojojoeyjojo .. it’s not that we don’t know our worth! Or what we would all ideally like I terms if a relationship. It’s the manner in which people ‘suggest’ changes that is being called into play here. Given that people’s values and morals are being called into play, posters are requesting greater sensitivity in response to those obviously distressed.

If you want a great example I shagged my latest iron within 2 hrs of meeting him and 4 weeks later we are still on the rocket. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea and it took me off guard but it seems to have so far been our style. I wouldn’t expect criticism here (and have had none). Perhaps some kind words and a space to voice some worries about a pattern I have followed most of my life with men (I was married 20 yrs btw and faithfully and was no different with my ex husband!). I also wouldn’t have myself any other way either. Worth is how you feel about yourself. Not a value judgement.

@Flippityflippityflap75 I would never judge anyone for sleeping with someone so soon and I've done similar and god knows I've made some terrible decisions in my OLD history..I just think posters were very harsh on @Savvymymmy who was trying to help and offering a different viewpoint.

@jojojoeyjojo I think people were objecting to comments such as "you will at one point have to consider the common denominator is YOU". Whatever the intention was, there are kinder ways to say things. That doesn't strike me as a comment that builds up someone's self esteem and makes them know their worth. I read it as quite the opposite.

Can we please stop with all the negativity? I thought this was the one section of MN where judgement and sniding at each other didn’t happen. I keep coming on today as I want to post but I’m put off by all these posts.

After saying it was me time now until Mr T makes a date, he just suggested my favourite place (where he has never been but I did mention it to him so he obviously listened!) this Friday. I’m very much enjoying these good times and good vibes whilst they are here

You're right @LivingMyBestLife2020 and that's great news!

@jojojoeyjojo
It was delivered very poorly and received badly, mainly due to the wording used. The intention was not obvious

Telling people to know their worth whilst simultaneously taking them down harshly is not really what the thread is about. This isn’t AIBU

Can we please just stop all the negativity. I am so fed up with reading it and it is beginning to get to me. It is beginning to make me regret coming back to this thread.

@livingmybestlife2020 that's great news that Mr T has taken notice and is stepping up for you

You know what I see as awesome, when women stand behind each other and support them, hold them up and help them reach a new place, help them to figure out the path they need to take, it might not be the straightest/quickest route but it might be the path they need to be on to learn the most on the way. We might not agree with their choices, but their choices and experiences will shape who they are. We all need to learn the tough lessons, sometimes we just need a bit of love whilst we are in the midst of it.

Kindness, respect and compassion will always be remembered. These are my life goals. These are what matters.

If I can make just one of you on this thread feel valued just as you are today it will make me happy.

Mr Sky was nice but it wasn't sparky and he's going to be away a lot.

I've been chatting to a Mr Smart this evening and I'm feeling the butterflies

I've not messaged Mr Swan today but I have thought of him. I know some of you think I'm crazy, but actually my last post tells you all you need to know about me. I love him, he's an anchor for me in my life. And I in his. I'm the one he has (finally) realised he can trust, that I will always be kind to, we build each other up with compliments and practical support (him with the house buying and I'm helping him with preparing for interviews) he may never be my partner but I'll be the best friend he's ever had, because that's what he's never had and what he needs now.

I could be selfish and say because I can't have what I want from him I don't want to be around him any more. But that's not love. And it's not me.

@cravingthelook i would say with Mr Swan for you to be careful about your own feelings here by being his best friend of sorts. My friend has done the same and it's been 6 years now, somehow she is still emotionally attached to her Mr Swan but everyone else has moved on/got married/dated. It's almost like she is his buffer for his life till he meets the one himself whereas she never quite moves on.

@Clovertoast after 9 months I'd want my BF to say something like he would really miss the kids but that he was looking forward to seeing me. Have you spoken to him? When will you see him? I think it's lovely he will miss them. And understandable he might feel pangs of sadness for the life he wanted. I didn't have my kids to have them less than 50% of the time. But he should also have missed you and want to see you. Certainly after 9 months together.

@cravingthelook it is hard to understand. Love, to me, is reciprocated and builds us up. Can you truly be happy for Mr Swan finding love and being happy with someone else? I'm not sure it's easy to revert back to friendship love when you love someone in a more 'romantic' sense.

No one least of I is calling anyone’s morals into play. I really don’t understand the faux righteous indignation. The rules at the top of this thread are not phrased any less direct than I write. One of the rules clearly says know your worth. Another says it’s all BS till it happens. Develop a thick skin, do not invest emotionally too soon.. wow the delivery is sooo harsh and I’m soooo offended.

@jojojoeyjojo the most ironic part is my ‘ delivery’ is called out as mean but what do the girl gang do - fling abuse such as twat, and attempting to police me -‘ it’s enough now’ ‘Stop the negativity’. And in the same vein talking about women supporting women Really ? Hilarious.

There is free speech. Everyone is entitled to say what they think. Everyone is entitled to discard advice they don’t want.

Thank you @Notcoolmum . We continued messaging on and off through the evening and get did cheer up and reference how the day we are due to see each other ( sat ) is getting closer.
I do understand it must be hard to hand them back, it's just the emotions attached to him missing his whole family I find hard. I feel like there must be an element of missing the ex w too.
Who knows.

I need to take my own advice though and concentrate more on me and my family and not sit around waiting.

I love this thread for the sensible and sometimes uncomfortable advice that’s given out day in and day out. I have seen painful home truths pointed out to people but they have been accepted gratefully because they have been delivered sensitively and with good intentions.
I think just slating someone’s choices and implying they are somehow stupid or defective is not the way to deliver advice - I have seen ‘tough love’ on this thread and the way savvy did it is not it.
That’s my tuppence worth!
I spoke too soon about my iron and my worries - he has been very communicative including calling me in the middle of the day which we rarely do because of work - he also is really keen to meet up Sunday and is trying to arrange the next date after that before we even see each other. And he randomly checked in with my last night saying something I said made him think I’m under pressure personally (I am) and was I ok. So all in all I feel more reassured and have given myself a ‘know your worth’ talking to so we will still have a conversation Sunday but I’m less worried about having it no matter how it goes.

I wouldn't like that either @Clovertoast especially as it wasn't his decision to end it. But 3 years is a long time so hopefully those moments are few and far between. And he's clearly a good and devoted dad which goes in his favour. I'm really pleased he has said he is looking forward to seeing you. Do you live far apart or is it your arrangements with your kids which means you have to wait until Saturday?

@Clovertoast I was in a very similar position a few years ago. I dated someone for 9 months who really missed his children. He didn't have them 50-50, but did see them regularly. All I can say from experience is that it was very hard. In the beginning he chased me, and that was great. I felt wanted. As time went on it became clear his children were his absolute world ( and I did totally get that, I'm a parent too) but I felt very unimportant. After he'd seen them he'd be low for several days. He talked about them all the time. He wasn't interested in me. And I never felt as if I was important to him. He wouldn't say he missed me, for example. Whereas I was able to prioritise my children and make room for him too. It was really hard and my advice to you would be very careful. I'd hate for you to get hurt here.
I read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl recently which gave me so much clarity. Don't think he'll change for you when he realises how amazing you are, because that is unlikely to happen. You sound so lovely and you deserve someone who can give you the love and attention you deserve.

We live 40 mins apart. We aren't seeing each other till Saturday as he has his elderly father with him till tomorrow night after holidaying together. He is then driving him home.
He is very close to his family and very family oriented, that is one of the things I like about him.
Unfortunately it's the thing he struggles the most with, the loss of his...

Also if I wanted to be pedantic I still haven't met any of his friends or family so do feel like that should come up soon.
I just dont want to be a distraction, something to do when he hasnt got thr kids you know? Cos I am very separate from the rest of his life currently. I thought i was ok with that but reading on here how some of you are progressing makes me worry.

Ahhhhhh overthinking!!!

Let’s remember rule number 11

I am so bloody tired today. Haven’t seen Mr R at all this week (since Sunday) but seeing him over the weekend. I’ve got the worst period so I am not feeling my best or most fun this week - lets see how he handles that 😂