Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Yes no worries. DM me I'm off work so plenty of time!

Just checking in to say hi.

Enjoying my little app break no plans to get back on any time soon.

I’d like to get in the right direction for career and finances and get my little staycation out of the way first!

I think I just haven’t got enough to “give” emotionally and practically and all the last minute/overthinking stuff does my head in!

Had four contacts from just before a deleted the apps.

Two I just couldn’t muster up the energy to meet.

They seemed attractive but the first meet seemed too much hassle

They cancelled/delayed for good reasons with multiple apologies/positive offers to reschedule

so I wasn’t ghosted

but I thought “fuck it I don’t want to be stuck on my phone for the next couple days”

Met with other two

Bloke one is very good-looking, very successful, incredibly charming...we had a lovely coffee and chat

but I think he’s maybe looking for someone to host him and take on a lot of the “mental load” for dating whilst he then gets on with his cool career and life and creative friends and drops in to mine at the last minute.

and I don’t really want to do that. MrSmooth I’ll call him.

Met with other bloke who I must admit I didn’t think there was instant chemistry. Offshore worker so very pleasant and practical and sorted in life but didn’t think we had that much in common.

That said.....he took me out for lunch to celebrate my work thing, invited me to his amazing flat and we’ve spent two nights together

Wasn’t sure about the sex initially but I’m trying to keep an open mind and actually liking the fairly straightforward uncomplicated vanilla “you’re attractive and Ill take the lead as I want you vibe” he has.

The banter/communication seems very good even though we haven’t got similar educational backgrounds. MrCountry I’ll call him.

But he’s going away soon for work so we’ll see how that goes or doesn’t go.

Happy to take a look too dancer I think we're similar age but not sure if I'll be any help!

Hello, I'm new. I was hoping for some advice: I'm terribly fussy when it comes to OLD, and after no dates for a while, ended up with 2 first dates in 2 weeks. Both texted immediately after the date to say "thank you for a lovely date" etc. Neither have suggested a second date. Both will respond to texts, but not initiate. I'm confused! Are they not interested?

@Beebeeboo2

Welcome! doesn't sound like they are tbh. Men do go after what they want.Keep swipng!

Just want to say a huge thank you to @cravingthelook @NoBloodyFighting and @Notcoolmum for helping me with my profile.
I seem much more like a person with likes and dislikes rather than just a face. Pinpointed the reason I seemed to attract fuck boys and hopefully the new and improved profile will help me attract a better class of man.

I really don't know what they men are thinking, they are stunning in real life.

@littlebitotartan

I think phone date is good if either of you is travelling a big distance/arranging babysitting. If you’re meeting somewhere convenient for the first date maybe not so much. A lot of ok guys just don’t like using the phone too!

I’ve done a mix really? Agree that meeting sooner rather than later is good.

I have also found that due to the sheer quantity of people you’ll match with it might be better to err on the ruthless side for screening? I used to think “what harm can it do” meeting someone with a couple minor red flags, but even if it resulted in a few ok dates I’d feel quite drained by the experience and it would take away my optimism for other dates.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Good to see you back hope your emotional health is good .

I’m not on the apps now but I personally keep it very simple - a few photos (selfies as recent) showing how I look and dress and build

and a couple of vague lines with some “conversational starters” but nothing too heavy or specific. My theory is most weirdos target EVERYONE and I need to screen them out on first chat.

Wondering if it might be worth trying to work on your ability to suss out the users and losers in the first screen?

Or after the first/second/third meet?

I think the dealbreakers list is a good idea

but also there’s just taking a step back, giving yourself time and thinking “am I comfortable with this?”. And if you’re not, then block or extract yourself ASAP.

As I had a traumatic upbringing I’ve found that I don’t have that judgement switched on naturally. It’s like I’m used to being on edge so I’m not naturally tuned to what feeling comfortable is like.

so I try to overthink/analyse social situations rather than just see if I FEEL ok with it?

And then make the judgement regardless of what your friends or even mumsnet or the woman next door thinks.

Another thing I have found helpful for “screening” is not driving or having men round to mine soon or agreeing to too many last minute plans

(obviously everyone is different, but as you want a boyfriend/proper relationship not a casual thing he should WANT to be doing “outside dates”)

I mean I’d do sort of “I’ll host lunch after third date” but not just letting them come over at the last minute for sex/crashing?

Lots of flirty WhatsApp messages followed by a quick last minute meet just makes me feel shit if it’s not in the context of more structured dating. And when I’ve made exceptions because I’m lonely or I think the guy is hot or has a lot to offer I’ve regretted it.

@Bunkbedpeople thank you. My emotional health is doing a lot better now. I do need to work on sussing out more of the users or losers before it gets to a date. Once on the date I'm okay at doing it but obviously not as good as I need to be. I'd say 99% of irons don't get a second date.

I absolutely need to be firmer with proper dates rather than just chilling and going at a slower pace. I did sort of grow a spine earlier and said to a potential iron after he suggests me going to him that I was thinking more half way and said a few places that are roughly half way. He then said I will look and see which is closer to me, so he is going in the bin. Can't even make an effort for a first date/meet is now a no go.

@Beebeeboo2

I agree keep swiping

I also think maybe close a chat with “let me know if you fancy meeting again some time”.

So you’re not having to suggest a second date outright but if you DO want another date (and they’re waiting for some encouragement) you’ve let them know clearly without really having to chase them or do all the work.

Thank you!

Hi all, just wanted to update and get some stuff off my chest. I am still non the wiser with what is going off with Mr T!

The last time I saw him was Friday evening. I'm not sure if this is relevant or TMI but we had sex and he couldn't keep hard for very long, but did make sure I was satisfied. He said it was the heat.

I've hardly heard anything from him over the weekend but have sent him a couple of texts which he replied to but no conversation came of it.

He said yesterday evening that he has decided to have a few days away. He's been umming and ahhing over it for weeks but was going to bite the bullet and head to the coast. I asked when/where and he said, in the morning. He then asked when I was free for a "proper date" and I arranged a babysitter and suggested Friday. We had a quick discussion on restaurant choice, he booked it and that was that.

I text him this morning and wished him a safe journey and a good trip. He read it immediately as was online. I've not heard anything from him since. Now, if he hadn't had arranged the date before he went away, I would have thought that was that but the date confuses me.

I have a busy week planned and i'm occupied so thankfully I am not sat stewing over it. I asked him recently if things were fizzling out for him as he didn't seem interested and he said he liked me a lot and was worried he wasn't giving me what I needed if I had to ask. I am worried about it now too, actually.

The problem I am having is that this feels likes waves to me. I'll see him, we'll have a great time, I'll feel something towards him then everything goes quiet for a few days and I just think meh, he's not interested/i'm not important to him, like now. We see each other on average 1 or two times a week. I'll be ready to walk away and then I'll arrange a meet and the cycle starts again. For info, he only works 9 moths of the year and is currently not working, so whilst he cycles a lot, I also know he has a lot of free time so he's not too busy to text or make time/arrangements.

This trip aside (I completely understand people need a break and he is under no obligation to text me) I just don't feel there is enough going on to build this into anything other than very casual dating, which I don't want. I really do think id rather stay single and get involved with an old FWB and have no emotional attachment then a very very slow burner of a relationship that I'm always wondering if he actually likes me or not.

I think this week is make or break (I have probably said that before). I dont know when he is back from his trip but I assume Thursday as he offered up Thursday evening for our date. I'm not going to text him now until he replies to my text from this morning.

All the talk on here over the last couple of days about texts dropping off meaning not ready for a relationship is playing on my mind. As is the fact we have been texting, every day (even if just a couple of messages) for the last 4 or 5 months and dating for more than 3 and he cant even send me one text to say he arrived safe after I sent him a safe journey text. He told me he is going alone which I believe, I'm just disappointed I've not heard from him today.

I have PMT which doesn't help my thought process. I am just getting fed up of the constant ups and downs and not knowing. I want a man who will give me the odd compliment, be a little romantic from time to time and make it clear that he likes me. I have kept holding onto the hope that its just a really slow burner and if feelings developed on Mr T's side, it would just take time for him to be comfortable. I'm starting to realise that this isnt going to happen now. I dont want to get stuck in a similar loveless relationship to the one I had with my husband. I could just have stuck with him!

Wow, sorry for the really long ramble. Just needed to get that out there as not had any adult company today! No responses required really. Only I can decide what is right for me I suppose. Anyway, i'm off to bed :)

@Dancerinthemoonlight

good call there - I think some guys definitely do try to test boundaries early on

It’s not about making the man jump through hoops to impress you, just both parties thinking about the other being comfortable. As you would a friend

@LivingMyBestLife2020
All of that post sent my head crazy, so many ups and downs, no wonder you are confused.

If his texting is dropping off i think that is a huge sign he isnt interested although the ED issue sounds like it could have affected him.

After he struggled to get hard was it mentioned by either of you?
I wonder if he is embarrassed and doesnt know what you really think about it so has backed off slightly?

I hope he isnt doing the slow fade because thst makes him a twat.

And as for PMT, that can bugger off right now, definitely doesnt help with a clear head.

I need some sense kicked into me. I've been seeing someone for 6 weeks now, all going brilliantly well. He was unwell this weekend and I didn't hear from him yesterday despite me sending a couple of messages to check he was ok. They have been read. Do I just leave things now and not send anything else? I'm panicking I'm being ghosted as it's not like him to not respond. He doesn't cope well being ill either.

@Eesha
I would leave it for now, some men arent great when they are ill and like to wallow in self pity and then once better they snap out of it.

How do you know he doesnt cope well when ill? If he warned you of that then clearly he knows it could be an issue.

If you asked if he is ok and he didnt reply is thst because he has nothing positive to say so doesnt want to be negative.?

When i was poorly my daughter sent texts to a couple of people for me but left whatsapp open so the messages from one person which came in were showing as read but i hadnt read them, i was asleep.
Could that have happened?

@SortingItOut thanks for replying, I know he doesn't cope well as he told me that this weekend and I could also tell by his messages. I think he gets very stressed about it all, especially with covid. My gut feeling is he's been sleeping on and off and not replying to texts but my panic feeling says he's ghosting me. Maybe I'll just leave it then.

@Eesha
He has made it clearly he cant cope with being poorly so i think you need to assume he is just sleeping alot and hasn't ghostes you.

If I'm poorly my first thought wouldnt be to message someone I've been seeing 6 weeks.

If I'm poorly it takes all my effort to use the loo and get a drink, never mind message people.

Maybe in a day or 2 you could send another message to check in if he hasnt.

Have some because i am also the queen of overthinkers and think the worst all the time!!!

@Bunkbedpeople absolutely it is. Im not going to stop trying to impress, it's about finding the balance. I have boundaries but I need to be better at sticking to them. I'm not willing to never travel but I shouldn't be the only one travelling.

I find it really difficult saying no because I don't want to hurt their feelings but at the same time not saying it gives them permission to take advantage. I know it's going to be a work in progress to stop bending over backwards to please people and to find the right balance

@SortingItOut with regards to the ED, it was fine for a bit then it just disappeared. Nothing was said at the time he just continued to please me. Afterwards he apologised and said he was disappointed and I reassured him that it wasn’t an issue, I wanted to be close to him and I was. Nothing more was said.

I feel like I sound really petty but this early in it should be exciting and it isn’t but he he everything else I’m wanting just not that spark 😩

You are very welcome @Dancerinthemoonlight you are so pretty they should be moving heaven and earth to date you. Well done on establishing boundaries. I would like a man to offer to come closer to me on a first date doesn't mean I won't arrange half way but I like the offer and feeling they are happy to make the effort. My last iron lived in a close by city to mine. He offered to come to me on the first date. I suggested somewhere half way. After the first date he travelled to my side the majority of the time. But we had some dates his way too.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Have you ever not been available for Mr T?

@SortingItOut Yes, I'm just tempted to send one more message and then leave it. It's just come from nowhere really and really made me overthink.

@Notcoolmum yes, I’ve been “unavailable” a couple of times but he so rarely asks to see me and when he does he leaves the option of when to me as I have a toddler and he’s child free.

I want to just be cool with it all and see it as a part time situation and enjoy it for what it is. I know plenty of people who have relationships like that and love the freedom of it but it’s just not doing it for me.

I have a new life plan. I’m working 3 days, I’m studying to go back to University next September and I have a toddler so part time fits in great. I just can’t get past the fact I don’t feel important to him and he doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body. It’s not going to change is it? He’s not going to miraculously become more forthcoming with feelings or affection is he?

I’m quite a complimentary person. I like to make people feel special and I give him a lot of compliments, it’s just my nature. I’ve tried holding them back but it seems petty and unnatural. He is how he is and he’s said himself he’s been told he’s a closed book. I’d hoped he’d open up but he hasn’t.

It’s doomed isn’t it?

@LivingMyBestLife2020 it sounds like you have different expectations of this relationship. For some his style would work. It wouldn't for me. I'm not a diva but I do need to feel wanted. But I hope I give that back too. I want to be told I look nice, feel they are excited to see me and looking forward to seeing me again. For some that might be too much. But it's what I need.

[quote Notcoolmum]@LivingMyBestLife2020 it sounds like you have different expectations of this relationship. For some his style would work. It wouldn't for me. I'm not a diva but I do need to feel wanted. But I hope I give that back too. I want to be told I look nice, feel they are excited to see me and looking forward to seeing me again. For some that might be too much. But it's what I need. [/quote]
Thank you @Notcoolmum. This is exactly me. I’m also far from a diva and hate being smothered but I need more than he can give me.

It looks like the profile reviews have been sorted but happy to take a look if still required. I have a profile on plenty of fish that I can link to for a return opinion (3 views in 3 months!). I think a profile should reflect what you're about and what you're looking for. Warmth and humour are very attractive if you can work those into it. However I'm not young and my view of what's good might not be your contemporaries view.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Does he know any of this is going on with you ? I know you're speaking of him as a closed book ... but if none of this is expressed to him ... sounds like he respects your time and commitments but also that he thinks you want something more casual, if he's leaving it up to you to say when.

I had a second date the other night. I thought the first date was a nervous affair where I was talked at throughout, so I thought a second one might help. It was better - more joking and back and forth this time. She was undoubtedly a tremendous woman, very wealthy, self made and down to earth too. I think she likes me, but saddens me that I don't quite see the match.