Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Can I join please?
I'm new to this and was wondering what the usual time
Line is from matching to exchanging numbers , actual dates etc.
Thanks for a most interesting thread.

Great article @HairyArsedMan, really resonates with me too. I won't clog up the thread with loads of details but it's safe to say I have only begun to be able to address my RS needs in the last 18 months. And genuinely this thread has been a real source of empowering advice.
Mr V and I are doing okay. I like him very much and we've begun to see a bit more of each other. He's easy going and has brought a lot of laughter into my life. He's got stuff that he's dealing with and to a degree is letting me help him with some of that. It's not as intensely sexual as some other RS I have had ( I'm still deciding how that sits with me ) but there is affection and fun.
Yesterday's debate about what were deal breakers was also fascinating. Of course physically there could be any number of things that could or would put you off someone but what really counts is their heart and their spirit. ( not things that you can easily pick up from photos ! ) And whilst the advice to get back out there and shag someone senseless after being let down is great on one level , make sure it doesn't leave you feeling worse on another. I am certainly guilty of confusing sex with attention. I've had sex with a number of guys in the past and sometimes it left me feeling more alone than I did before. My Nan used to say " it's easy to stoop and pick up nothing " which turns out to be a quote attributed to Charlie Chaplin. So much for what I thought was my lovely Nan's wisdom !

@littlebitotartan welcome. There isn't an official time line but everyone recommends meeting sooner rather than later. This is so you don't build up a picture of what they are like in your mind, you might have a great connection by text or over the phone but it could be completely different in person.

Thanks! Is meeting after a week of texting, for a coffee, generally ok? That fast?

For me that's a reasonable time scale. It's not fast. Everyone has their own time scale.

@littlebitotartan My own advice is to get a phone date scheduled as soon as you mutually think you are texting someone interesting and after that if both still interested head straight into a brief coffee date as almost a pre-date.

Trust your gut when you get off the phone from them. If it was a great chat then great but if it was dull, one-sided, he kept interrupting you, had different views, didn't ask any Qs, revealed himself to have one of your own personal No-No's etc etc etc then don't waste your time with a meet up.

Oh the hours of rubbish I could have saved if I'd had this advice 2.5 years ago. Mind you I've also had some fun short term RS where o ignored my gut.

ThNks @Ruralbliss and @Dancerinthemoonlight .

I don't like phone dates. I like to meet someone in a couple of weeks after chatting if they chat is good. Any longer and you run the risk of having built up the possibility to be let down in person (or them feel that way about you).

Thanks@Notcoolmum

I hate phone dates too. I think they're lazy and I've found there's even more tendency for them to head towards undeserved intimacy than with messaging. For me, you need to be able to read each other in other ways than information babbling, so meeting in person is absolutely required.

For me a phone date makes the first in person meet up less fraught and more like meeting someone you already know as know what they sounds like. It's too much for my poor senses to have to take in what they look like AND their voice on an initial meet up plus I've screened out plenty of great texters (lots in common, similar humour etc) who turn out to be annoying/depressed/twats on the phone.
Works for me but there are no set rules and everyone is different so take our collective wisdoms but ultimately what is right for you is up to you.

There is no substitution for face to face, that is a given. I think I like to chat to them before meeting because it does give you a sense of the person. I have never thought of it as a date, more as part of the weeding out process. I am very wary of any lengthy text exchanges before meeting as that has absolutely bitten me on the proverbial many times in the past.

Thanks @Ruralbliss and @HairyArsedMan ..

And you also @Onesmallstep67

I'm indifferent about phone dates. If I'm talking to someone on the phone then I prefer a video call to a voice call. It helps me get a better understanding of them, although I don't see it as a date, more of a pre screening for an in-person date so I don't go to any special effort for them.

I have met irons with pr screening them through a call and without, it hasn't really made much of a difference either way

Definitely @Onesmallstep67!

My favourite example of this was with a guy I'd been texting loads for about a week - I was so excited to meet him but when I met him I wanted to run away within a split second - terrible teeth, terrible shoes, awful overpowering fragrance and then proceeded to tell me in great detail about what a bitch his ex was.

No way I'd got any of that over the phone.

I just ate my own words and suggested meeting Mr Jazz in person tonight as an alternative to our phone date as we do appear to have loads in common but meetachunities are looking scarce in the next few weeks.

Hmmmmm...

I like a chat on the phone too to hear theIt voice and see if conversation flows easily. I don’t consider it a date, more a screening too like others.
The posts about comms going dark/falling off are making for uncomfortable reading with the view that he is not relationship ready or into me if that happens. Deep down I know it’s true but I’m still reluctant to pull the plug on things with Mr B! I don’t know why ... it’s either I’m a glutton for punishment or stupid.. still deciding
I’ve realized today that it’s like I’m waiting for him to end things assuming that’s what will happen- which is ridiculous! I know I should take control but I’m still holding out hope for an improvement- I am fully aware how pathetic this sounds.
My plan is if he doesn’t step up this week with a plan for date then I’m calling it a day and getting back out there.

@ruralbliss " I have kids, they are nice "
Haha love this refreshing honesty, I feel like that too, they are great but I need more in my life.
I'm just getting to know a new iron 6 weeks in (takes me about 6 months to know if I like someone!) But signs are good so far 👍

@ZoZoBo what is going on with you and Mr B?

@ZoZoBo so reading at the start of this thread his comms have always been shit so it's not a change per se. But you did feel he might still be dating. Did you have that chat? Are you both off the apps?

I know a lot of people have done things perviously but can anyone look at my profile and give me pointers on how to improve and attract a better class of man. I seem to attract a lot of men not willing to put in the effort. Both men and women's opinions so maybe @hairyarsedman and anyone else

Wait... I want on the @HairyArsedMan waiting list now too 😂

I'm happy to look but not on any apps so would need to exchange numbers and do on WhatsApp.

@notcoolmum I don't mind exchanging numbers if you are happy to. I'm mainly using tinder at the moment as pof is rubbish since they changed to make you pay for most things