Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crackofdoom I won't be cancelling the date with dodgy ex. I have to take his enormous tent over to where he is working & don't mind seeing him. It'll be a waste of time for me but nothing more. It'll be nice for him.

@ruralbliss I don't mind stubble or a close shaved beard. It's when it's long ish and wiery. Just an instant turn off

My list of no nos includes men that can't or won't cook and live on toast and take aways. Also men that want me to get drunk with them. And very aggressive atheists. I don't mind atheists at all, but the sneery, nasty sort can do one. Ditto the extremely woo. I had a date once with someone who needed to consult his psychic before we could meet again and recently had a first message from someone claiming to be part of a soul system from another planet.... Also any hint of passive aggression. I'm beginning to realise my list is pretty long actually!

One of my closest friends is doing OLD - I was asking her yesterday what she expected from it and she said I want a cuddle. I thought awwww!

Her profile might be wrong though, she's extremely glamorous, gorgeous and has a good job, but she may come across as wanting the high life too much.

I'd give her a cuddle if it weren't for these restrictions.

I have a weird thing, I live in Scotland but I just have to left anyone with 'kilt' pictures, I don't mind a wedding pic now and then but I think 98% of men look ridiculous in kilts

Honestly I also wanted mostly a cuddle for a long time!

I love a close beard. Not a long one though

Dislike men who live in a gross messy house never cook and wear 20 year old clothes, play video games and go to the pub 5 times a week 😂

Spent another lovely evening with Mr R and I’m now at that part where I am beginning to panic at the idea of us splitting up - not that we are splitting up or any reason to! But the idea of it if it pops in my head makes me feel horrible. I need it to stop popping into my head! I’m pretty over invested by now.

The non negotiables has made me think about what mine would be. There are quite a few! Many of which are here. I love facial hair but not a long beard. In fact I’ve realised it’s one thing that is most attractive to me. I don’t even mind if he doesn’t have much hair on his head as long as he has facial hair!
I think it makes you realise how everyone’s tastes are so different and makes me think that even though there are things about myself I think aren’t attractive there must be someone out there who is attracted to me.

What do people suggest putting on a profile? I literally would have no idea where to start.

My profile has always been a bit silly, vague and aimed at a particular audience with talking points that I would want to have in common with someone. So it has a tone to it but not a lot of information. I did really well with the profile and felt like I was protecting myself from revealing too much but still being friendly

Me again. Another immediate swipe left is massive neck tattoos. I'm not anti tattoo even though I don't have any but seriously. Just not a good look to me

My first profile was quite awkward, a bit stilted like a list of interests really.

Hairuarsedman gave me some pointers on my second one and I made it lighter, more relaxed,, put a couple of jokes, gave less detail on the interests.

Within a day I had loads of people reading it, Mr R sent me a message, and the rest is history.

Trust the hairy arsed one, he gives the best advice.

Aww @Menora that's a good news story. I dropped away from this thread for a while so not up to date on Mr R but sounds like you have a good thing going on there....

Yes yes neck tattoos! Instant swipe left. And hand ones. Although my first OLD romance had a simple one-finger one and that was quite lush. I don't like leg ones either.

I've remembered that I have a tiered filter system - first the profile pics and words, then the initial textual intercourse then I'll suggest a phone date pretty soon these days as learned the hard way it's a good indicator of whether someone was date worthy.
Of my four big OLD romances in the past 2.5 years I should have listened to my gut after I spoke to them for the first time. There was something with each of them that made me go 'Meh' but I proceeded to an actual date anyway. On the upside I had a lot of fun times with them which I would repeat if I turned back the clock but from now on it's no actual first date if the peonage is a bit off.
And then on first date if they wear shit shoes, have pheromones which make me nearly gag or talk at me without asking a single Q or I just don't fancy them then it's bye bye from me. I need a pleasant bin off line for these circs 'I didn't feel we click' seems to result in them trying to change my mind like 'Really? I thought we had a great time!' (No you yawned on and on about shit I wasn't interested in and you are deeply uncool)

My profile says a teeny bit about me then a list of things I like in a man & that narcissists need not apply

Oh and I'm now binning off any that love with their mum/dad or ex. Surprisingly high numbers. Nothing against them but with me having 100% parental responsibility while my kids dad enjoys his middle youth I'm incompatible with someone who doesn't live by them self some of the time where we can go for sleepovers.
I'm about to bin off a nice sounding iron in a minute because he lives with his mum but she's moved in due to dementia to not a clear cut one. I also don't fancy him and he appears to have a Metallica later behind him.

I'm practically having to sit on my hands and not text Mr P a 'How's it going? Hope kids are ok?' text. I reeeeeeeaaaaaaally wish he would get in touch soon and reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaallllly hope he doesn't ghost me. I simply can't believe he's the type. Seemed like such a nice, straightforward, easy going, unpretentious, caring guy.
Like a lovestruck teen I've been analysing our text convos, the frequency between them etc and he's always been a bit flaky on the text with a day between replies happening several times but when he was just one of several irons I was talking to but hadn't met I didn't notice this.
I need to get more irons perhaps as an antidote.
I mustn't text but if he doesn't in the next few days maybe I will. I dunno. Or just let him/it go. I was always a big believer of 'if they like you they'll come back or not let you go' and I kind of hoped he saw me as a good catch worth hanging on to. He said he wasn't talking to anyone else which I believed and he liked that I liked him as he 'wasn't eveyone's cup of tea' and rally liked having someone interested in him.

Maybe my phone date with Mr Jazz will help me take my mind off him if he doesn't get in touch. I wish he was like get out of my brain!

Oh @Ruralbliss I can feel the tenterhooks from here! Everything crossed that he messages soon!

I joined Fab as the usual OLD sites are bleak at the moment. I've been on Fab before and know what to expect. New iron, Mr Rugby, appeared very quickly and seems not sleazy so hopefully there'll be coffee at the weekend, or "coffee" if Aunt Flo doesn't butt in!

Glad the article helped @dancerinthemoonlight - see whether you can do the recommended exercises. I've asked some friends for comments. Eek. Hope this doesn't come across wrongly but I thought your deal breakers were quite basic - in that they cover the practicalities but not the qualities of someone you'd like to be with, and in my opinion were quite a low bar for someone such as yourself.

I appear to be @crackofdoom 's ideal man Though some might raise an eyebrow at the 'interesting' bit

Thanks @StealthNinjaMum

What's the article @HairyArsedMan?

@hairyarsedman it doesn't come across wrongly. If anything it makes me think that I need to raise my standards more. I would ask one of my close friends to do it but she is going through a mental breakdown at the moment and has been self harming so isn't in a good place. I'm just supporting her the best I can.
I have always said that I will know the right one when he comes along but maybe I do need to get more specific with what I'm looking for.

I was talking to @cravingthelook this evening a lot. Coming to some realisations about the type of men I have been dating and their similarities because it felt safe as I knew exactly what to expect, how they would treat me etc. It's time to close that chapter of my life and move on. To break the circle and take a leap of faith into the unknown

This one @ruralbliss amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-trauma-responses

@ruralbliss I see this a lot on these threads when women like a guy, they give him all sorts of get outs and I've been reading long enough to see that it so rarely works out. I don't like to be pessimistic but going dark on text comms seems to be a recurring sign of lack of relationship readiness. I'm sure there are genuine difficulties that people have at some point in their dating experiences; I've seen it with friends. I think the key difference is that they've been on the phone to each other and worked a way through things.

I agree with hairyarsedman. Text drop off etc is a sign of a lack of readiness. That's always held true for me. Yes in the beginning I never really expect it or can manage it myself quickly. We a have irons. We are all 'chatting'. Impossible to be continually texting and working and parenting. After meeting though, for me it's either yes or no. Grey 'maybes' are a no. They have to be really if you want a solid relationship.

Get your coat hairyarsedman, you've pulled

(I even quite like hairy arses. Not hairy backs though).

Thanks @HairyArsedMan
Good article!

I appreciate your pessimistic comments too but what if the texts were always a bit patchy and scant?

But yeah 'Not relationship ready' sounds like it could fit.

Who knows. I'll move on pretending we never matched, texted, phoned, dated or kissed and if he bobs back again I'll take it from there and if he doesn't then, genuinely, his loss. He thought I was awesome but didn't treat me like I want to be treated so no cigar for him!

@Ruralbliss Maybe I over-egged it on the not relationship ready description. It re reads like a terrible label to apply to someone.

I'm coming at it from the point of view of why wouldn't you want to message/chat with someone you'd like to get to know ? It's so much easier to write after meeting and breaking the ice too. In the past when I've found myself clamming up after meeting it's been because for some reason I had some misgivings ... about where I was at, where she was at ... practicalities of distance, childcare rhythms ... Supercali's maybe territory.

Thanks @HairyArsedMan I'm inclined to agree and also it is there as one of my 23 () Must Haves: 'Give good text (in content and promptness of responses)'

I worked out early on that it's a thing that brings me great joy to have a text correspondence with the object of my desires. Like an all day telepathy session. Makes me feel wanted and valued. Having to wait and guess and then just receive one liners doesn't work for me.

And he did wear shit shoes AND he was planning on painting his house magnolia throughout. I pointed out it's no longer 1986 and a shade of white would be a better choice for selling. I don't think he's my guy. Although I really liked him and fancied him. Perhaps he's thinking a similar thing. Perhaps he's into skinny leggy blondes which I am not....

Had lovely serendipitous textual convo with Mr Jazz until late last night. He randomly sent me a picture of a beautiful clock he thought would go well in my house. I already have the exact same one. Bless. Phone date tonight with him.

Oh dear. Mr B has many of the non negotiables on this thread. Some that are on my list too. And yet he got through my defences and under my skin🙈

Change in messaging patterns is definitely a key sign to watch for. Whilst the book He's Just Not That Into You is a bit dated, for me the central premise is true. If they are into you, you will know. They will be in touch, arranging to see you etc. Of my last 3 OLD relationships the first would make me feel anxious and that I was waiting for a text etc. When I ended it he apologised for that and it was clear he knew he wasn't that into me. We are now friends and he posts regularly on FB about his amazing GF so he would def have behaved differently if it had been there.

The next two messaged a lot. And both were always keen to arrange the next date and know when they would see me again.