Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I was on a date yesterday, went on my phone whilst he went to the toilet and my ex was a friend suggestion with a new picture of their partner (first one they’ve been together 10 months). I just went into a shell and left early. I feel I’ll never be ready to move on

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I think your deal breakers are fine, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

I think the driving thing is important especially if you dont live near public transport, if you were in a city or town it would be fine but if you are rural its no good.
I think Sunshine's partner doesnt drive and lived an hour away but he would hop on the train to see her.
Its when men could hop on the train but would rather you drove to them or collected them.

Cant believe Mr EasyGoing, in bed for 24 hrs....presumably he couldnt text as his phone was out of reach and he couldnt move

Please keep your good boundaries....

@Dancerinthemoonlight all those sound perfectly reasonable. I would never date a smoker, someone without a car (I don't want to be left doing all the driving if we go away somewhere) and I absolutely hate lateness, it's just so disrespectful! I appreciate sometimes things come up / traffic happens etc but when it's frequently it's just bad manners.

I was supposed to have a date last night and appear to have been ghosted! It was someone I sort of knew too so it's really poor behaviour and I thought better of him than that.

@SortingItOut I live rurally but it's not like there aren't busses or a train. I live a 10 minute drive away from the station yet men seem to think it's easier for me to travel because I have a car.
Mr EasyGoing has been texting me on and off this morning. Mainly how he couldn't sleep last night because he had slept during the day. If he wants to see me again then he can ask.
I don't think I'm asking for much, it's just the standard of men I seem to match with don't want to put in the effort

@Dancerinthemoonlight the one man I dated for several months who didn't drive and refused to get on a bus to come and see me turned out to expect everything and everyone to revolve around him. Being late was another thing he did. I took it to mean that he was so important in his own mind that his time was worth more than other people's. It's all straws in the wind for selfishness and who wants a selfish partner?

I seem to have arranged a dirty night away with an old Fab friend- let's call him Mr Al Murray- for tomorrow night! . That'll chase the sad away, hopefully. We live quite a long way away from each other- I'm off on my travels for a few days though and could have visited him, but his (late teen) kids will be there, so he has arranged an Air BnB with commendable alacrity. Keenness and organisation, I like that in a man.

@Lacey2019, it's so difficult reading your posts because it seems like he has truly left you feeling unable to move on. Maybe yesterday's date just wasn't the right guy and you are going to have to give yourself however long it takes to get to a better place with things. But don't put your life on hold and wherever possible avoid anything that will keep bringing you back to him - social media especially. My 20yr old DD is struggling with something similar at the moment and every post about her ex's new gf, dates etc was messing with her MH. So block, delete and eventually he will stop being at the forefront of your mind.

@frocksmock most men I have met or dated have expected me to do the travelling and not them. It's like they think they can say jump and I will ask how high. If it's late and they are a long walk away from the station I would run them back but it's the expectation that I will always be the one travelling.

I think my issue is that I tend to be a people pleaser and I'm trying to get better at that. That there is nothing wrong in expecting a man to put in equal effort. When I'm asked about what my type is or what I look for in a man I have stopped answering because all too often I have found that men pretend to have the qualities I'm looking for only for the mask to eventually slip.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I know the feeling, I'm rural with no public transport nearby so definitely a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry the men you match with dont put any effort in.

You are doing really well with identifying you are a people pleaser and are trying to change.

I was a people pleaser in my marriage and vowed never to be again and now I've swung the other way and its all about me!!!

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Lacey2019, it's so difficult reading your posts because it seems like he has truly left you feeling unable to move on. Maybe yesterday's date just wasn't the right guy and you are going to have to give yourself however long it takes to get to a better place with things. But don't put your life on hold and wherever possible avoid anything that will keep bringing you back to him - social media especially. My 20yr old DD is struggling with something similar at the moment and every post about her ex's new gf, dates etc was messing with her MH. So block, delete and eventually he will stop being at the forefront of your mind.[/quote]
@Onesmallstep67 thank you x I’ll get there. He found it so easy to meet someone and have them in a home we shared for so long looking so loved up. Hopefully he moves to Dubai when she returns there to teach and I can fully close that door

@Dancerinthemoonlight I would see that as a good way of filtering men. I only dated 5 men but 1 met me in the middle, 3 were closer to me and Mr R came to my town. Its a basic requirement that they want to make an effort to even meet you so I'd at least make it harder for them on the first date and then if you like them you can be a bit more thoughtful of their needs.

@sortingitout I find it really difficult to be selfish, with my time or money. I put everyone else before my own needs and I know that needs to change. It's going to take a lot of determination when I feel bad for saying no. But then they wouldn't think twice about saying no if it was the other way around.

I'm not a free taxi service and I'm not someone to just hookup with for casual sex. I want a real relationship where both parties put in the effort. The end goal for me is to fall in love, get married and have children. I haven't done any of that, I'm not sure if that's the age group im in but then people I know are getting married or having children that are the same age group.

Some days it feels like I'm looking for a unicorn. The men I'm attracted to aren't attracted to me and vise versa. I know it only takes one though.

@WolfRun, that is definitely poor behaviour, especially if you know him.
I'm sometimes undecided about how many chances to give people but by and large unless there is a good reason if they don't make contact it's usually because they don't consider you a priority.
FWIW, ruralbliss I do think that Mr P gave you the heads up that he had an issue on Friday. It'll be his communication from now going forward that tells you where his head is at.
@Dancerinthemoonlight, I am picking up a different tone in your posts this week. I think your plan to put yourself and your career first is definitely the right one. Enjoy dates or chatting along the way but don't let them get under your skin too quickly. Unless you particularly want to see Mr Easy going again I'm not sure you should. Whatever you do or decide keep your needs at the forefront of your mind.

@onesmallstep67 I'm not that bothered if I see Mr EasyGoing again or not.
I think what has helped change my mind set with everything has been the support of @cravingthelook. Also the realisation of I don't need a man. I might want one but I definitely don't need one. I have gone through so many things on my own and I'm very independent. If I can do all that on my own then I will be fine in the long run.
I'm more focused on my career than I have ever been before and I'm learning how to put my wants and needs first. Whoever I ultimately end up with is going to have to be the right fit and I shouldn't have to change who I am to be with them.
I don't think I would have come as far as I have with my thinking and mind set if it wasn't for the amount of support on here to help me realise that I shouldn't have to compromise on basic needs, that I am special and eventually someone will realise that and be the right fit

@Dancerinthemoonlight I have 23 deal breakers! Three seems very minimal to me. Like you I refuse to date a non driver. My last romance's car was out of action for the duration of our time together and this reminded me how much I like being driven as well as being the driver.
I don't have non-smoker on the most as that doesn't bother me but I do have 'Solvent', 'Kind & Loving' 'Asks questions' 'Gets me' 'Funny' 'Tall' 'Hasn't moves away from kids' (like my own kids dad did) 'practical' 'Atheist (or at least not a creationist/flat earther/conspiracist theory nutter)', 'Musical' & 'fanciable'
Not much to ask for!

@Lacey2019 Really sorry that happened to you & have been there too. The only answer is to block on all channels so you can move on

(As the curtain opened on my daughters play an Instagram post popped up showing her dad had created a joint account with the woman he left us for and they had a new allotment. This from the guy who hated gardening so much that he let me do all of our overgrown acre as well as have my full time job and no help with parenting. I literally couldn't see the play for fighting back the tears...)

@ruralbliss I do have things I look for like no beard, being taller and making an effort. I get travel sick so have to sit in the front so I'm happy to drive I just get fed up when it's always expected and no offer of petrol money or anything.

Just told Mr EasyGoing something and he jumped to the wrong conclusion. Accused me of something that I would never do and didn't bother to do any research before jumping to conclusions. So no I don't want to see him again. He evidently isn't the right man for me.

@crackofdoom this is excellent news!

I had lewd explicit dreams last night about Mr P which was far from helpful.

Phone date with new and lovely sounding iron Mr Jazz rescheduled for tomorrow as my Sunday has got really busy.

Took a call earlier from recent unhinged ex and had no doubt that he is utterly deranged. Not sure how I didn't see it for 4-5 months. Glad he came to stay & couldn't stop his mask from slipping so dramatically

I too am definitely a people pleaser. Have agreed to meet him for a drink cos he 'still loves me' (he doesn't he doesn't even know me - just missis the attention and adoration). Nothing in it for me at all. Nothing.

ruralbliss aargh! Cancel that date with your ex, it will make neither of you happy! It will just give him cause to hassle you for longer! Just text him saying "sorry, I have realised that meeting you again will make neither of us happy,and I don't want to waste your time" or something....(sorry, bossy!).

Hopefully Mr Jazz will take your mind off Mr P.....

Dealbreakers, now let's see:

If he has kids, he must be actively parenting them, preferably 50% of the time;

Keeps his house in reasonably good order;

I don't care about a massive income, but solvent and lives within his means;

Left winger, anti patriarchal, anti capitalist

Is interesting, and interested in stuff.

Really likes sex

Clean !!! Freshly showered, hygienic teeth, etc etc...

Thought of some more!

Is emotionally mature- self aware, reflective, able to take responsibility for his own decisions.

Has friends (but maybe not too many...I think one of the problems with Mr Sparky is that he has too many friends, and not enough space in his life for a relationship)

Back again

Funny. Gets my sense of humour, and is able to respond in kind (God, the jokes and references that fell flat with Mr Sparky, World's Most Literal Man )

Gets me. And this last one is the absolute killer, because as an over intelligent, under achieving autistic who can't help masking, loves word play and is full of unexpected contradictions, most men really, really don't :(.

A new rule for me from @cravingthelook but I completely agree with is Stay the fuck away from the army.

I think it's the allure of a man in uniform and the idea of a manly man. When in reality they spend all day having someone thinking for them so it's seemingly impossible for them to make decisions. They jump to conclusions and run at the first hiccup.

I'm hoping that writing it down here will help me remember

I gather there's a lot of domestic abuse amongst military men. That alone would kill the buzz stone dead for me.

Yeah agree army gets a left swipe for me too, the aforementioned motorbikes, 'dislikes drama' and 'My kids are my world' not sure why it sets my teeth on edge but it does.
I have kids. They're nice. I'm a good mum but they are far from being my world. My world is a lot bigger than my kids. I think of it as a euphemism for 'I'm quite dull'

I used to think beards too. But I matched with a guy who had one and we dated exclusively for two months. I don't find them attractive but it was less grim to be kissed by one than I imagined so that was a good learning experience.

I also don't reply to any first message with one line of 'Hey' or even worse 'Hey sexy'