Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@crackofdoom well done on the investigating:) I live in a small town - that’s exactly how you would track someone local down hope he comes back you and positively.
This fab site sounds great! I don’t know if we have it in Ireland though and also don’t know if I could do the whole hook up thing but I like living vicariously through those of you that do 😊

ZoZoBo remembering some epic drunken evenings I've had in small Irish towns in my youth, I can picture that....although generally there seems to be a pattern of cows getting thrown into the mix as well, as I hazily recall......

You'll have to have a look on fabswingers.com and see what pops up local to you!

Oh bollocks. Wish I had read @ZoZoBo wise words first before sending The Text.

I wrote something about hoping band rehearsal was ace & not abandoned for kids collection. Then (stupidly?) 'Call me if you get the chance?' so definitely waiting for comms.

Ah well if he doesn't reply or call I'll bin him off, add it to the life's rich tapestry of OLD and move on grateful that I'm not in love with a motorbike rider and saving myself the endless fretting every time he heads out on the bike (or the agony of an actual accident)

But I reallllllllllly liked him! And was seriously under the impression it was mutual. Ffs.

Ok time to get podcasts on and a whole load of gardening tackled while its dry and not scorchio!

(I am the prize. I am the prize. I am the prize )

@Clovertoast he can't control himself? I don't like the sound of that either.

I've noticed a couple of you are introducing children very early on. I'm quite against that. Mainly to protect the children. But also I think it helps protect us too. I know once I've had an iron here and they've met the kids it seems to change the relationship into more nights in and less dates. More family time. And I get more intense in my emotions and envisaging our future together. I think, from making mistakes, that it's important to establish ourselves as a couple over 6 months or so before introducing that element into our relationship. It takes a while to get to know someone I think. And introducing children I think should be when we know each other better and have a better sense of our feelings.

I've started doing more with my BF's DC and already I can feel me getting more involved in his childcare arrangements, plans for their weekends etc and I'm telling myself to stand back. That is independent of me. Sometimes I'm invited to hang out but the details are for him.

ruralbliss
That sucks arse. Arsey arsey cock arse. How is it that we can sometimes get it so wrong about how people feel about us? Because we all pretend, I guess.....Thinking about it, I'll put a pleasant and friendly face on on a first date, even if I'm thinking "Get me the fuck out of here!"

But he may yet call. But he's rude anyway.

In other news, Mr Shipwreck hasn't replied to last night's text. He was always a very prolific messager, so that's probably it .

So, I've lost a potential boyfriend and a lovely fallback FWB over the space of a few days.

(kicks the skirting board. Goes down the garden to eat worms).

Hey all quick update. I've whittled down my irons. I've realised that since I'm dating with serious intentions rugged sexy mr life coach (for example) who lives 60 miles away simply won't work out etc. Its a shame, but with my life as it is I just cant manage that kind of travel and faffing. I set my miles quote low but it doesn't stop people from outside my radius turning up. I'll filter more rigorously from now on. Maybe date with Mr Brazil next weekend if I'm feeling OK about this bloody crown.

@crackofdoom Nooooooooo! After all that serendipitous phone number getting for buff Mr Shipwreck & hopes of getting over one guy by getting under another. I guess you don't know what's going on in his life but a polite thanks but no can do wouldn't go amiss from Mr SW

I too have been polite and friendly on first dates then dashed their hopes for another date as I've hated them on sight and couldn't bear the one sided chit chat but honestly Mr P was definitely different. We definitely clicked, he took my hand and instigated nice little bit of kissing. Calls me 'my lovely' etc in texts blah blah blah.

But whatever. Like you off to do worm eating down bottom of garden and indulge in sad feelings.

I started swiping but my heart wasn't in it now I'm in dialogue with a couple of people I don't even like the look of. I should deffo take a break and regroup with myself. Do some writing, reading, decluttering, exercise etc.

@Notcoolmum I can't agree more.
Mr Swan and I have been friends for 18 months (as has another mutual mate) and they've only just been introduced to DD in the last few weeks.

Mr Travel Writer flips from being super communicative to not, but as it's a casual thing I'm not stressing about it.

Started chatting to a Miss Honey and the chat is going great actually. No numbers shared yet but that's ok.

Aw @StealthNinjaMum love what you have just put on another thread about having a future together 💐

ruralbliss I just don't get how people can do that.....A fundamental disrespect for others, perhaps

As for Mr Shipwreck, I'm not entirely surprised. I know he's got form for disappearing, because it's what he did with my friend- who he was chatting to on Tinder- when he met me (I found that out in retrospect).

Sweet as he is, I do get that he's weak in some ways, as well as struggling with mental health issues, and just finds it easier to go no contact. Doesn't make it right though...

Anyhoo, onwards and upwards! Am currently in the process of arranging a dirty night away with someone I previously met on Fab, as well as chatting away to someone else that I'm hoping to meet up with next week.

(still can't quite let go emotionally of that duo that have pretty much kept me on an even keel since October, and were such a comfort in those dark days of lockdown- messrs Sparky and Shipwreck )

Looks like I have been ghosted by Mr Easy Going. Not surprised to be honest. I knew he was entirely unsutable long term but he provided distraction this week. I was already getting fed up with doing all the running about as he currently doesn't have a car and wanted me to come to him rather than getting the train to me. So that will be going on my list of deal breakers.

All my other potential irons seem to have faded away but I'm still on the apps swiping. Holiday in less than a month and looking for a new job is taking up my time.

I'm beginning to think I'm looking for a unicorn but I'm sure he must be out there somewhere.

Good for you @crackofdoom

Also grateful for lockdown love interests despite them turning out to be wrong'uns.

Wondering if mental health issues might be the root cause of Mr P's radio silence. Maybe I'll never know. Trying to persuade myself that it's another bullet completely dodged rather than getting a grazed skin wound. Also trying to persuade myself that everything's a learning opportunity & if I had swiped left on him due to no words on the profile (or if he'd had a motorbike pic & no photo of him playing bass) I'd not now know how delightful a not so distant riverside town is & had my hunch confirmed that I really am looking for someone who is practical and capable with stuff like mechanics and DIY. Although the stylish arty fatty fashionistas turn my head ultimately it's the solid doers which my heart yearns for.

It's now the time we arranged to meet. Still no word. I thought the rule was if you've got time to go to the loo, you've got time to text.

I should block really but I just can't. Haven't ever blocked anyone apart from one really horrific one who thought it would be cute to follow me home...

I can't do a sabbatical. I'm a long time old & cant live with the 'what if I missed My Guy during the sabbatical?'

@Dancerinthemoonlight I bloody hate being ghosted. It's so horrible. I'm sorry that's happening to you.

Have you all seen this. It's good.

Thanks @notcoolmum. I feel very happy at the moment. There is still a part of me that is looking for red flags but I think that's inevitable when your husband dumps you after twenty years.

Anyway I hope you're well. I try to keep up with the thread but it moves too fast for me.

@ruralbliss I'm not that surprised. The chat has been archived. To be honest it was a nice distraction from everything but wouldn't have been suitable long term.

I'm still swiping on the apps but also trying to focus on my wants and needs. Being happy with being be and trying to find a company job after being self employed for years. I'm not going to settle for something that isn't right or what I want.

It's disappointing when I had a 10 year plan when I was 16 and none of it has happened but that doesn't mean it won't. It just might take more time and it will happen when it's meant to. At least that's what I tell myself.

One red flag I'm noticing a lot with men I go on dates with is that when they see my scars from surgeries or I mention my hidden disability and that I want to do things like learn to ski or something is that they say they would basically ban me from doing it. It's up to me to decide if I want to do something not up to them to.make that decision for me

That video made me feel worse! Surely it's part of the healing process to call someone every name under the sun and discount them as a total wanker with a pathological fear of intimacy?

(also, Mr Sparky was the ultimate solid doer . (if by solid you mean a bit fat, meow ))

Oh bugger. I found it soothing. It's not you or him it's everyone. I liked the bit about do wallowing then you'll bore yourself and move on.

Long awaited text from Mr P came in about half an hour ago. Huge drama with his kids and their step dad kicking off and being a total angry wanker apparently so he drove through the night to Devon to fetch them & now they are with him 5 hours drive home again traumatised and upset. Suspect updating a randomer off of the internet was last thing on his mind and probably furious and not in great state but still a ten second text 'Can't do today so sorry have to get kids' would have been preferable. He said sorry for messing up my weekend.

I was online when the message came in so wrote back how sorry I was to hear of trauma and no worries the weekend as made alt plans when it looked like he wasn't around. I'll leave him in peace now glad that there was at least a plausible reason for his non comms.

I've already got back on the OLD horse and have a phone date tonight with a nice sounding guy who has come right out saying he LOVES DIY & gardening as just renovated a house. #swoon.

Ooh, maybe he'll show you his tool belt ;)

It's not you or him it's everyone No! It most definitely bloody well is him!!

So... hit me with your first date outfits for a drink at local pub

@rainydayss for cold weather or rainy I would wear skinny jeans, nice top and either knee high or ankle boots. Nice weather I would wear one of my favourite dresses that makes me feel good.
The key is being confident and comfortable in whatever you are wearing

@Rainydayss I had a first date at local pub the other day and I wore navy cotton trousers, fitted navy/white striped t-shirt, navy wedge shoes with toenails painted red. Wore perfume and that went down well with a 'Mmmm you smell lovely'
Felt comfy but sassy.

Just re-read the article from @HairyArsedMan and it is like it was written about me.
Mr Easy Going texted me last night after 24 hours of radio silence said that he had just been in bed most of the day. Apparently that makes it impossible to send a text. I read it on preview last night and responded this morning. I'm not going to chase him, if he wants to see me again he can ask when I'm free.

How many deal breakers is too many. I came up with a list of 4 yesterday and wondering if I'm being too picky. They are: no smoking (I don't smoke and couldn't be with someone who does), no heavy drinking as I rarely drink, not being able to drive/not owning a car unless they are willing to use public transport and not expecting me to do the travelling to them all the time and not being punctual - I understand that sometimes you get stuck in traffic or something unavoidable happens but I'm talking about constantly being 30+ minutes late

@Dancerinthemoonlight I don't know the background but three of those are dealbreakers. If they didn't own a car - and public transport was ok - I wouldn't mind but I wouldn't even go on a first date with a smoker. And as for being late, the occasional lateness would be ok, but I would expect him to text you and apologise, and for it to be rare.