Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Waited all day for a text from Mr P and finally it came in at 5pm something about sorry for late reply I've had a shitty day it's all kicking if with my kids and their mum I might have to go and fetch them for a few days.

I've replied sorry to hear that, sounds rubbish.

I assume our 2nd date tomorrow is off. If I didn't know he had band rehearsal tonight I probably would have suggested booking up tonight as all three of my kids are away overnight.

So I got back on the apps immediately as need to really stop being so invested in someone I've met once and so crap at texting

What on earth does 'Looking for alpha sub' mean please if someone is describing themselves as 'Dom'? Any clues? I can work out what Sub is but Alpha Sub?

Clovertoast, I think your instincts are working for you so wouldn't rush to label yourself anxious.

It would concern me that he has contempt for his ex W, that's pretty strong emotions and ex was like that..ultimately it was a warning sign I wish I hadn't ignored. Is there much of an age gap between you two?

@Ruralbliss I assumed alpha sub was someone who was submissive but an experienced submissive?

@Ruralbliss and one of many other subs

@Ruralbliss an aloha sub is someone who is only submissive in the bedroom but is more in charge on other parts of her life. From my understanding.

@Eesha thanks. Not my scene at all then.

@Clovertoast the hatred of his ex
Wife would really turn me off tbh. Do you think your anxiety is actually you not being sure about him?

clover I'm now a really big believer that if you worry and are anxious it isn't actually down to you. I don't think this is you being strange...more like you aren't getting what you want from him, so the feelings surface.

Thank you guys. You've all given me so much to think about.
I'm reading this while he's in the shower.
I think its definitely true that this has all happened much faster then he anticipated. I do think he likes me, but I think hes cautious, and as @Menora so wisely said, I'm ready for a relationship I'm not sure how ready he is.
He's admitted he takes things VERY slow and thats ok, but is it ok for me ?
Thats what I need to reframe you are all right...
IM THE PRIZE !!! Is HE right for me ?

Lots to think about.
I think he feels a bit anxious sometimes too, he keeps checking whether I'm excited about our week away

And yes @Notcoolmum the hatred and venom towards the mum is probably the main thing that makes me a bit.....
He apologises for it, even admitted it was a shitty thing to do but says he cant help it. Hes bitter about the ending of the marriage but also the way it was done ( she had an affair) and the loss to him financially.
He even said to me, I know me slagging her off is a red flag but I cant help it I'm sorry.....

@Notcoolmum Hmmmm. I hadn't seen this one. Thank you. That could be me. Maybe I'll ask him if we strike a match...

@Clovertoast Loving 'I AM THE PRIZE' it should be our collective motto.

Sounds like he's into you in his own way but yes the question is are you a good match if his behaviour makes you feel uncertain and anxious.

Had a few crappy first messages from blokes this evening and I want to shout 'Woo me you bellends. I AM THE PRIZE!'

Ffs. Blokes can be very rubbish.

Yes @Ruralbliss they really can be !!
Stupid blokes ( sorry @HairyArsedMan) but hey when it's good, it's so good lol !!!!!!

@Clovertoast I've managed my fair share of stupidity though usually I'm the victim of it ...

So staying away from Miss Terrific proved really difficult as we were constantly messaging and it was like catnip conversation wise. We spent a day together at hers last weekend ... and continued messaging daily since with an offer by me to return the favour whenever she feels like a break. In the meantime I had a couple of first dates which as you might imagine fell very flat, although they were friendly enough.

Oh by the way. I came across this link which may help some of you with traumatic backgrounds that find yourself engaged in people pleasing ...

amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-trauma-responses

But @ruralbliss what if the bloke thinks he's the prize. ? Shouldn't you both be in the mood for wooing each other ?

@HairyArsedMan Yes! Most definitely.

So when I go in with a chatty text with some info, humour and questions it's a disappointment to get a couple of lines back simply replying to my questions. No chat, no humour, no questions about me.

I like a bit of rapport from the off. Call me weird but I like a bit of effort. Like if we were chatting each other up in a bar.

Yeah that’s poor @Ruralbliss but typical - just got to chalk it up to the format really. We swipe on pics and expect wit and intelligence ! Aside from that I don’t think you need someone to be making an effort, it needs someone for whom being thoughtful and witty comes naturally, otherwise the eventual date will be a let down.

@Clovertoast are you his first serious relationship since his divorce? It sounds as though he's got a lot of unresolved issues and the strength of feeling from him towards his ExW would make me feel edgy too.

I’m smitten. Had a lovely evening with Mr T. We had takeaway, a bottle of wine and lots of cuddles. He looked at me differently last night, it felt different too.

Here’s to hoping it continues

@LivingMyBestLife2020 That is gorgeous news. Thanks for the positive update. Glad you had such a lovely time together.

I don't know whether to sit on my hands and not text Mr P about our date today planned for 2pm but no rendezvous location agreed since he sent mysterious message about collecting his kids from down south.
I think I will as can't stand ambiguity. I'll put something about hoping the first band rehearsal since lockdown went well & when is he fetching kids. Not fair if he can't have courtesy to tell me we're off or on for today.

@Ruralbliss I’d text him. Like you say, just something light hearted. If he replies you can ask about the date. It would be very rude of him not to confirm or cancel after making arrangements

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Done. Kept it brief and light. Asked him to give me a call if he gets the chance. You are right it would be terrible rude to not cancel or confirm.

Living my best life that's lovely to hear. After so long being unsure, too...:)

Ruralbliss that is really really rude and anxiety making. I hate it when blokes do that (and even women, I have some flakey friends that drive me mad). And the way you feel that you should "be cool" and not care about it.....harumph .

I'll tell you one great thing about Fab- if you're feeling down and lacking in confidence, reading back over your Fab verifications really cheers you up! After Mr Sparky's implying that I wasn't good in bed/ he didn't enjoy the sex, it's great to read reviews from 5 or 6 blokes enthusing about how warm, wonderful, funny intelligent, interesting and what a sex goddess I am!

(OK, Fab verifications always err on the positive side, but still...!)

I have 2 weeks childfree, which is very very very rare (and I'm beyond gutted that Mr Sparky ended things just days before this occurred) but I'm hard at work arranging a couple of Fab meets/ socials. Can't quite face going back on Bumble yet, but it will happen soon, I'm sure.

This was also an inconvenient time for my phone to go pfft. I've got a nice shiny new one....but lost all my contacts and messages....including Mr Shipwreck's! I would love love to see him, if only for a massive hug (and wild sex, obvs), but have only been able to leave him a message on Fab, which he hasn't visited for several days, and email him- no idea if he's read it, or not. Until last night, when I did something gloriously stalkerish...First off, I was down the pub with a friend, who had been chatting to him on Tinder before he and I met, and I asked the poor woman if she had his number (she did not, it only got as far as Tinder messaging, and she subsequently deleted him). I thought that was that....until an old acquaintance wandered in with a neighbour of mine, and we started chatting about an outdoor gig his band is playing next weekend in our local town. "What band?" I ask, and lo and behold, it's the one Mr Shipwreck's in! So, I pretty much twist his arm until he manages to extract Mr Shipwreck's number from the band's WhatsApp group and give it to me. I've just texted him, so I guess now I'll know whether he wants to talk to me or not. I really hope so, but for all I know he could be all involved with someone else, or not want to pick things up with me again, so...let's see.

(for anyone who actually managed to read all of that lengthy last bit and who lives in a city or suburbs and is wondering about all the coincidences, welcome to rural life )

@HairyArsedMan thanks for that link. Although I don’t feel I have the trauma I definitely can display some of that fawning behaviour. Very insightful read.
@Ruralbliss text in a breezy way as otherwise you will be totally preoccupied waiting on word from him. Take the control back.
@LivingMyBestLife2020 lovely update. It’s so nice to hear the ‘smitten stories’ :)