Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hi everyone. Im back online dating. Swore I never would but meh. End times. I joined and left pof in about 4 hours haha. Tinder is fine but the lack of bios mean i swipe left most of the time. I've no interest in people who can't write a few sentences. Joined hinge. Much prefer it. It was sparse last time I was dating but seems to have more users now. Have a few irons which seem to cycle in and out of focus. A call last night with a guy who over text was very funny, to talk to he was like a health and safety administrator. Or your dad. Quite a disconnect between the 2. Thing is i joined kind of early as im having some dentistry done (crown replaced) and they fitted a temp on an obvious tooth which is far too big and makes me self conscious. They won't fit the final one for a 2 more weeks so im trying to put people off....sadly I look like one of those 'penpal' sorts at this point.

@Ruralbliss I had the same issue. Stopped old for a good 6 months. Currently I just have a lot of people im talking to. Thats the strategy. Its quite hard to get attached to just one like this. If they go quiet I just delete them from my phone straight away. Im not sure how it will work once I start meeting people again as my goal is a substantial monogomous relationship this time. Previously I was only interested in casual. Who knows.

@cheerup Totally!

@supercali77 😂I hear ya. I had a brief textual thing going with an interesting sounding & looking one for a few days then the phone date was like an listening Alan Bennett monologue - dreary voice and on and on he yawned about ex lovers who'd broken his heart. Bye 👋

I was talking to LOADS - maybe 10 at a time at one point but like you I bin them off once they go quiet.

I've met up with two now: one who again chatted at me happily for three hours & was gutted when I didn't want to see him again, and Mr Polymath who I'll see again tomorrow but I've already pointed out he's slipped through my filters as no profile words (but a picture of him playing bass and three of my exes have been bass players so I clearly have a thing for them) AND he rides a sodding motorbike which is a no-no for me. If he had a picture of that it would have been an instant left swipe.
On the upside he is interesting & interested in me, chatty, very practical with hands (swoon) good looking (imo), tall solvent, nice sounding family and kids etc etc and when he rode in on his big bike and pulled up next to me I did think 'phwoar'
Utterly rubbish at texting and terrible shoes though...

I'm taking the wisdom from this thread to just focus on the real-time dates and all I need to ask each time is 'Do I want to see him again Yes/No...?'

Sorry to hear about the crown. You could always arrange to meet up then bow out as 'something came up' until dentistry is done.

Mr P and I did this to each other, then I went on holiday so it was an unprecedented good few weeks til we finally had our first date on Tuesday.

Hi guys, I really need help.
I'm still seeing Mr P. It's been 8 months. After his holiday we had an amazing weekend together where we said how much we missed each other, he has referred to me as his girlfriend now and that he isn't going anywhere etc.
He doesn't want me to meet his kids yet and he isn't telling his exw but his family know about me.
All fine, we agreed we would go slow, we have complicated lives. We felt really close that weekend although neither of us have said the L word.
However, I feel like I'm sabotaging it.
I feel sick constantly with anxiety that he is going off me. His texting has reduced, we dont text all day anymore so I get paranoid about that and analyse everything! I know that practically I'm being silly, he texts good morning and good night every day without fail and we have a brief chat in the evening but I dissect every text. He has a job and kids 5050 of course he cant text all day !!!!!
Last time I spent a couple of days with him it was hot so we didn't go out we just dozed in bed and cooked food, I somehow manage to find fault in that, he's bored with me, can't be bothered etc.
He was on his phone looking for car insurance while I was there for about an hour, I make that about me, he's fed up, wishes I wasn't here etc.
I'm supposed to be seeing him this weekend and my stomach is churning.

We text last night and I think I pissed him off because I kept asking if he definitely wants me to come. In the end he was lovely and said yes it goes without saying but then said he was tired and ended our chat.
I'm being needy and anxious. I'm going to push him away and I can't stop....why am I doing this its pathetic???

The really ridiculous thing is we go away for a week together next Saturday and at this rate I'm going to ruin it !

@Clovertoast, aww man those feelings are horrible and impossible to override sometimes. I don't know anything about you or Mr P ( age/ history etc) but it sounds like things are maybe moving on to the next stage in terms of the status of the relationship - but there are still restrictions on how open you can be and how often you can speak or see each other. Different levels of contact and commitment work for different people. Don't be hard on yourself. You sound like you are ready for being able to spend more time together. I know that longer term for me seeing someone once a week wouldn't be enough. It's natural to want to edge into each other's life more, share more of the mundane stuff. I definitely wouldn't take him looking for car insurance whilst with you as a reflection on you, he's just doing something that has to be done. Maybe say a little of how you are feeling and see if you can implement a couple of slight changes like speaking on the phone at least one every day that you are not together. If you are his gf then that seems reasonable.

@crackofdoom

It's all too easy to over invest too early....perhaps it's a natural reflex?? I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that my life alone has been really tough. I mean, I'd rather be alone than in a shit relationship, but a sniff of someone interested in you and you can't help imagining being supported, appreciated...facing the world as a team. I think one of the worst things about this whole process is being shown a fleeting vision of an alternative future, which can then get whisked away all so easily.

The only way I have found to combat over investment is to have 2 men on the go at the same time for as long as is morally acceptable. Even so, you usually have to make the decision to cut it down to just one when you're still at a wobbly, vulnerable early relationship stage. (yup, still bitter )

Yes yes yes to the fleeting vision of an alternative future! That's exactly it and so well said. When you want it so much it's hard not to rush ahead mentally.

It is hard to tell if this is all you and in your head or whether you are picking up a vibe from him somehow, somewhere and he’s making you feel insecure without meaning to.

Ask yourself and post here all your dark thoughts and what makes you feel that way. Getting it out can help

Do you find him to be a bit disconnected at times?
I have a feeling that you seem to be feeling that he is going through motions but not with enthusiasm. Is that what you feel

This could be that sometimes all the unsaid things you feel you are holding in, not getting the chance to really air them and this is bottling up inside you

If you could say anything to him, what would you say?

Yes the glimpse of a future is the hope that can drive you to rush in

God yes. That's exactly it - the fleeting glance of a future where you have a companion, a supporter, a lover, someone to laugh with and share life with. That's it.

@Clovertoast I sadly totally understand your feelings and wish it wasn't the same for me but studies (my own with a fairly small sample size) show that I'm only comfortable in a relationship where there is constant comms. It's weird because previously I wouldn't have identified as an insecure type but feel this aspect means I am.
I don't think you can transform a person into someone who loves to do endless textual intercourse - they either do or they don't. My advice to you would be as others have said - use this thread to vent your frustrations and concerns but keep riding the wave with your guy and see how things pan out. He most probably is totally into you but doesn't behave in the same way we would (or others would). That's my hunch.

Had a good night with Mr Easy Going last night. At the end of it he said he would see me again over the weekend, if it happens it will be 4 times in 7 days. Our first meeting was on Sunday.
Because of being conditioned to think love bombing was normal I do find myself questioning is he into me. I doubt that he would be persuing me for dates if he wasn't. I'm trying to chill out and take it slow rather than asking what this is for him. I spoke to cravingthelook last night about it which hugely helped.
I have a few date ideas but with having to pre-book most things I don't want to pay for it all. His wage isn't great but will improve in time and I'm not working (still applying for jobs), both focusing on wanting to buy property in the near future so it's a bit of give and take with what to do. I suppose at least it's summer so theoretically nice weather. He makes me feel nervous but settled at the same time.

I have a few other potential irons on the go. I reported Mr Surgery on Tinder last night as he is on there claiming he is 31 when he is now 36. Not sure if they will do anything about it but at least I tried. I have tinder gold for a month and the idiot has swiped right on me, apparently I'm that memorable.

@Clovertoast are you me?! Seriously though, I massively identify with what you've written. For what it's worth, I've felt the same with Mr B (just over 2 months together) when he's pottering about at his and I'm there. We ended up having a chat about it after I withdrew because I felt he wasn't bothered about having me there, and he said he really likes that we can just be in each other's space with no pressure and he feels connected at those times - but he recognises now that I need a bit more and he makes the effort to connect with touch and attention every now and again. I also told him that I struggle when we're apart (we have to have weeks apart when we've got our dc) and that feeling connected is very important to me. So he's taken that on board too and mentioned it when we parted last, for a 10 day stretch.

So my advice? Find a way to share some of this with him. This is who you are and if that freaks him out or scares him off, he's not the right one. I was terrified of talking to Mr B about this stuff as I've been rejected so many times in the past for simply having emotions. But it's that or sabotage, as you've recognised. I do my best not to read into texts and kisses/no kisses now, but I don't always succeed! It sucks feeling insecure and anxious though, I feel your pain.

Hi I’m looking to joint a dating app - I’m 55 with a 10 year old girl.
What are my chances and any recommendations for a suitable site.
I’ve looked at eharmony which is free to a point - I filled in the questionnaire but not uploaded pictures, I have two contacts but they live far away. I’m in London so hoping the pool is wider?
Any recommendations please.

Hi everyone, I hope I can join you on your merry adventures...

I have been dating very “casually” for a while and had the unfortunate experience of completely falling for someone and then getting spectacularly dumped. And while that sucked it made me realise that maybe there was a little more space in my life for something more serious. So I’m switching up my game to see if their might be something more long term out there.

But having the experience of being really in to someone has highlighted to me what a needy anxious person I am...and this whole thread is speaking to me so much about that! I feel like I’m either a bag of nerves or some ultra cool girl who’s not bothered. It would be really great to find some place in the middle of those two extremes. Sometimes it feels like self sabotage and I really relate to your experience @Clovertoast. Sometimes I’m able to say that I’m a bit worried, and sometimes I’m able to put the stressy feelings to one side. But I wish I could just learn to roll with those feelings a bit more without them expanding in my head.

I don’t really have much on the horizon right now as every conversation I have seems to die out after a day or two....but I live in hope

Hi everyone!

So I've had three dates with who I have decided to call Mr Scarface, the last of which was Wednesday evening when he came to mine to watch a film. We kissed, and fooled around a little bit but didnt have sex - tbh I was up for it (and it later transpired that he really wanted to) but he wants to take it slow, which I'm really happy about.

We spoke briefly on the phone yesterday morning, another day after the date, and then texted a bit at about midday. The texts were lovely- he has had bad experiences of relationships and is quite inexperienced, has said he has previously wondered if due to some stuff that happened in his childhood he is maybe asexual, but has said there is a definite sexual attraction with me (and I believe him because of, erm, evidence ). He said he thinks the connection and trust between us has really helped.

Then I didnt hear from him. I knew he was busy with work so let it til about 9PM and then called and got no answer, which is a hit unusual. Tried again this morning and nothing, and my anxiety really kicked in. I admittedly called a few times this morning and then text him saying that I'm sure theres a logical reason for it but I was a bit worried so could he call.

He responded "yes, logical reason. Like me falling asleep early and having to focus on work this morning".

He seemed pissed off. I left it abit and then sent him a message explaining about my anxiety issues, how I'm working to get it under control etc.

He replied about an hour ago saying he has been working all day and is now with his daughters so cant really call, but apologised for being shitty. Said that regardless of how early it is or labels or anything, he should have replied to me sooner and let me know he wasnt able to talk. He said it it was the other way round he would have been worried about me if he couldnt get hold of me, and concerned that I hadnt replied.

I told him not to worry and we will speak tonight once his kids are in bed, and he said "But I do worry. I care about you, and I completely understand that my behaviour has caused an anxiety attack and i cannot apologise enough".

Now, I know I went OTT with the contact, and I also know his shitty response this morning was a bit off. But I'm now feeling once again how nice it is to be seeing someone who is grown up enough to admit they were wrong and apologise.

@Menora I think the thing I am most worried about if I am truly being honest with myself is that I'm a distraction, something to do, someone to be with when he doesn't have the kids.
He has made it very clear I won't be meeting his kids as in his opinion they have been through enough.
They were very upset about the divorce and the youngest who is 5 still gets upset and wants her parents together. The thing that I discovered only recently is that although they divorced 3 years ago he only left the house a year ago. They sold it and split the proceeds something he is very bitter about still.
He is quite honest and vocal about his contempt for his exw but that so clearly comes from a place of hurt, I can see. She ended it, he didn't want to divorce so there is also a lot of insecurity and if I'm honest jealousy wrapped up in that for me.

I ended my marriage so its cut and dried for me.
He goes to great pains to tell me he hates her, feels nothing but contempt etc but I dont know if thats good either.

Also, if I'm honest, hes not the most motivated of guys. Hes funny and kind and affectionate but we have probably only had a handful of dates that aren't in his flat. I know lockdown happened but It adds to my insecure worries that I'm just fulfilling the girlfriend experience as someone put it on here.

He has been very honest with me though. Eurgh I dont know.
I'm on my way to him now and I feel so anxious its ridiculous. This should be lovely still !

@Clovertoast I know you were replying to menora, but from what you've just written it sounds a bit more like your anxiety is perhaps a sign that you're not happy with how things are going? Not wanting his kids to have any more disruption is very understandable, and good to see him thinking of them, but where does he see you and him going in the future then? Are you concerned he hasn't said he loves you yet? And wanting someone who puts a bit more effort in, has a bit more oomph, isn't a bad or unreasonable thing. I hope you manage to have a nice time with him, and that maybe some of this is the disconnect from being apart?

Also, my situation is similar in that I ended my marriage and Mr B's ex ended theirs. It definitely made me feel a bit insecure when I found this out but he comes across as feeling pretty meh about her now. Strength of feeling such as hate might concern me a bit more.

@Clovertoast Let is know how you get on. I think there are several things that don't sit well with you and you deserve to have what you want from a relationship not need to put up & shut up.
If he's lacklustre in energies towards you in these early stages then it's not likely to change is it.

Really tricky & I have these conversations with myself - do you put up with an available bloke who doesn't quite tick all the boxes for you or go back to being single and start again. If you chose the former my own experience is that they don't turn into long lasting relationships anyway as eventually the lack of effort gets insulting.

Hope you have a good time and you put your mind at rest.

@Misty9 thank you for your input, I don't mind who replies lol.
Yea perhaps you are right
I would like it if he said I love you I will be honest.
He said he has always moved slow and infact told me it took him 7 years to propose and ages to decide to have kids, hes 50 with 2 under 10.
He hasnt said never with the kids, just not now.
I don't know I guess I just want a glimpse of a future as someone said above.
He said that he imagined dating again when he went online and he thought it would take him longer to find someone he was serious about, but then he met me.
So he is saying all the right stuff. Maybe it's just me.
I was unhappy for so long I just want my turn at being happily settled and in love.

I need to really deal with my insecurities and irrational jealousy over the exw. Eurgh I'm a terrible person

@Clovertoast you're not a terrible person! And there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel happily settled and in love. I too was unhappy for years (and now question if exh ever actually loved me). Do you love him? What would feeling settled and in love look like, if this isn't how you feel now? From what you've said I think it's understandable to feel insecure about his ex. It's weird enough to think that the person you're with has had a whole other life with another person, and built so much together, let alone if it ended against their wishes.

Although it's only been 2 months, our kids have met (but they don't know who we are to each other) but no L word as yet. Previously I was of the mindset that I wouldn't introduce anyone to my kids for 6 months or so. But it's actually important how they are with kids and it felt like an okay thing to do. My 6yo dd is upset about the split (18 months ago) and she wants us to be back together. But I'm helping her gradually to accept that won't happen, and that perhaps in the future I'll meet someone else.

I hope you have a nice time with him.

You are not a terrible person. Being so honest with yourself is very important

You do not need to keep saying it’s just your anxiety, or that he is lovely and you are excusing away things that do bug you deep down.

I believe some things are not sitting comfortably with you and you don’t feel like you can bring it up as it’s early days and he has made it clear how things are going to be

Sitting in his flat won’t be helping

@Clovertoast

Can you try to reframe this?
There are certain things about this guy that might not be right for YOU
There are things in his past that means he isn’t ready or able to have the type of relationship that YOU want
He’s saying and doing some of the right things but you should not feel like you are the one on a test drive here - he is really
You are ready and open for a RS and he is still wounded.
Don’t try and fit his square peg in your round hole if it just isn’t going to fit!

I think that his need to control the narrative of your RS and not yet over the hurt from his marriage is making you uncomfortable in all honesty and your instincts are like ‘hold on...’ don’t ignore them

Yes continue to have a great time but I think you need to take a long look at whether he is the right person at the right time for you. And if you can’t shake this feeling perhaps you need to rethink if this is going to work

What I have learnt is that the other person can’t really cure this anxiety for you in the short term so it is a case of learning to live with it (which involves ignoring your instincts here) or accepting that actually, those things do matter to you

Am in similar situation with Mr R’s DC, he thinks they have had too much change so no meeting for now.
The thing is he did not frame this around hatred for his ex or making it sound like it might not even ever happen, he delivered it kindly and discussed my thoughts about it too (I do agree)

What does this man actually want? Has he said?

@Clovertoast, you are probably either on your way or already with Mr P but when you come back to this there have been some great observations and questions about how you are feeling and what you want. Now that I have heard some more of the background details to Mr P, his age, his relatively young children and the pretty recent proper end to his RS it makes a much clearer picture. I think he likes you but he's still processing a lot of things from his marriage. Most likely he doesn't want to make the 'wrong move' and possibly/ probably jumping into another full on commitment was not part of his plan. So now the question is, as others have said, what do you want ? Can he make you feel secure enough and meet your emotional needs ? Can you accept the slow (ish) pace and enjoy building something with him over time ? The week away will surely give you plenty of time to make steps forward in feeling connected.