Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@ZoZoBo You also could be me with the 3 x kids and no other parent around, full time job, parental health concerns etc etc.

I totally get the 'one nice thing for me' as when a romantic relationship is going well it's great down time isn't it? It's nice to hang out in someone else's house where no laundry to fold, noise levels low etc. It's nice to laugh and obviously the physicals too.

I also cannot stand the laggy texter. I've got a new iron (Mr Polymath) who is dire at texting even though we had a great first date. It's a massive culture change from previous men who indulged in all day textathons.

The thing I've started doing is - turn read receipts off so you can't see when anyone has read your message, turn privacy on so you can't see when anyone else has been online then immediately after sending a text archive the chat so that unreplied to message isn't sitting there amongst the others being irritating. Out of sight, out of mind. I find this way it's easier to forget and get on with life until they do get back in touch.

Hope this makes sense and helps.

@Ruralbliss I have done just that on WhatsApp -seeing my Message read but unreplied to for 24 hrs was annoying me no end as was his profile photo
@Onesmallstep67 that’s it -having someone to hug or chat with is something I crave. After coming out of a marriage where I had none of that you’d think I’d be used to it! Plus I’m the most unflappable independent person normally -my reaction has thrown me:(
Anyway I’ll stop monopolising the thread now and do some work -thanks so much everyone -you are all saying what I would say to a friend in this situation

@crackofdoom, that's a pretty lame reason for Mr Sparky to offer. It must be difficult when you were enjoying getting to know him and the time you spent together.
I'm not as hardcore as some of the posters on here. I find my emotions get very involved and dealing with the fall out when it goes pear shaped can be tough. But to anyone struggling with lacklustre irons, don't let them take up any more of your time. If they aren't making an effort and showing their interest, don't make too many excuses for them. If you want the real deal then keep your standards and find someone who gives you that. We're all on a sliding scale of looking for fun to lifelong commitment but wherever you are there's never a need to accept second best and sketchy behaviour.

@ZoZoBo I also think some people just aren't into texting.

I've got a couple of close female friends who aren't too which is helpful.

I listed it as one of my must-haves for men as I recognised with previous lovers that it's something I enjoy to have an ongoing stream of dialogue via text with someone brings joy to my life. On the other hand I must be spending a good chunk of time doing texting and not doing other things so I'm using this new iron as a social experiment- can I like a man who doesn't do good text? Keeps me hanging on.

Last night the last text I got was 'Going over to see my mum. Maybe speak if I'm not back too late. Have a great evening lovely'
I texted back later a funny coincidence then when the biblical rain came a quick message saying 'Hope rain didn't affect your evening' (his mums hoise prone to flooding & he rides motorbike) and nothing back. So far I find it annoying. But I'm cracking on with work and domestic drudgery and we have a date lined up for Saturday so I'm assuming he's not lost interest but that's my immediate go-to assumption. 'He's lost interest. He's not into me. He's talking to someone else'
I never thought I was insecure but now I'm beginning to realise maybe I am.

Hope your guy sends you something to reassure you soon.

Thanks to all those sharing their experiences of "hooking up", I feel more comfortable and in control now. I did register on Fab out of interest oh my god, there's a lot to take in !!! Have arranged to meet one man (Not on Fab, on a regular site) with the view on heading to the bedroom so that's exciting. Am also due to meet someone tonight for a regular date as I would like a relationship but am just so busy with work and kids that I don't know when I'd have the time, hence considering the hook up options. Calling him Mr G for now....

@crackofdoom was he aware you are autistic and this was how you felt about talking on the phone. The person I'm seeing has Aspergers and I don't know enough about it myself but I do keep more of an open mind with things with him.

I'm still so unsure about Mr Funny....the more I see him the more I like him and we get on absolutely great. I feel relaxed, no games and he's lovely and available, and funny obviously 🙂 There had still been nothing physical apart from the odd kiss in about 8 dates. He is very respectful and doesn't push anything.

I'm not sure what to do....I'm liking him more the more I see him but still not 100% sure on the attraction part.

Eesha yes, and I explained to him that this was why I don't like phone calls when he first raised it .

@crackofdoom ok then I think it's just an excuse. Try and focus elsewhere if you can, there is someone out there better.

Re: phone calls, it's just occurred to me that I tend to want to call sometimes but said iron, I think, prefers text more

@bangheadhere40 maybe ask him if he wants more and that you aren't sure whether he's interested. He sounds lovely though!

eesha I.meant I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him 😄 I'm pretty sure he is to me.

I really like him but am not sure if the physical aspect is there for me though 🙁

I just read a few old & current threads where the general consensus was the OP had over invested way too soon in a guy they'd only met a few times.

This is my issue. I decide I like someone waaaaaaay before I have got to know them.

I'm after tips on how to be cooler and less attached/invested.

I'm now aware that love bombing is to be avoided, have a focus on friends, family & personal projects etc so new guy doesn't become centre stage, DONT spend all day and every day texting & talking - focus on RL meet ups, try not to have sex too soon as this adds a hormonal bonding element.

Are there further tips? - I'm trying hard not to fantasise about the guy I've had one date with. It's so ridiculous when I know from experience it takes a good 4-6 months to actually get to know someone (or see their mask slip)

Thanks

I'm seeing Mr Easy Going again tonight. 3rd time in 5 days. It should cheer me up. Didn't sleep well last night and got bitten to death by bugs.

Also I got an unsolicited dick pick last night, not from Mr Easy Going Guy I'd swapped numbers with. Then he tried calling me to see if I liked it. Blocked and moved on. Another asked me what turns me on and then when I didn't answer him he said not sexually. Lastly another asked me if I thought we could be something in times to come and then asked me if I ever wanted to get married and have kids. I have never even met the guy

I'd be happy with just a kiss and cuddle from Mr Easy Going tonight. Not sure what we are doing. I'm trying to let him lead and take things slower

@Ruralbliss I wish I had the answers because I tend to be the same.
I have been love bombed so many times that I became conditioned to it and if an iron wasn't doing it I thought they weren't interested.

@Ruralbliss wish I had more ideas too! For me, I found keeping texting a bit once a day rather than all day long as makes the point we both have lives. Also, great advice from @HairyArsedMan in asking that 'do I like him?' rather than does he like me etc and putting my emotions in his hands. And I'm trying hard to take each date as it comes and not look ahead as I naturally always do. My iron wants to take things slowly after a bad breakup and actually, it's forced me to take things slower in my head (having been lovebombed in the past and like @Dancerinthemoonlight thinking it was normal now. I recognise now it's not normal.

I think if you find yourself going at a mad pace that even shocks you, you need to take a step back and say ok... is this really a good thing? What will I gain from rushing in? I had to learn this, it is almost like you can’t stop yourself launching in and locking down the RS really fast, I think it’s to make yourself feel more secure. No one likes the uncomfortable part in a new RS where you are waiting and wondering what’s going to happen or what the other person thinks so it can be tempting to try to bypass that and move to stage 2 - locked in and loved up. That’s only going to be a bad place to be when you have known the person for a few weeks as you just cannot know them

And yes you don’t need to ask if someone likes you, you need to ask if you like them!

It's all too easy to over invest too early....perhaps it's a natural reflex?? I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that my life alone has been really tough. I mean, I'd rather be alone than in a shit relationship, but a sniff of someone interested in you and you can't help imagining being supported, appreciated...facing the world as a team. I think one of the worst things about this whole process is being shown a fleeting vision of an alternative future, which can then get whisked away all so easily.

The only way I have found to combat over investment is to have 2 men on the go at the same time for as long as is morally acceptable. Even so, you usually have to make the decision to cut it down to just one when you're still at a wobbly, vulnerable early relationship stage. (yup, still bitter )

"Locked in and loved up"- good phrase! I think lockDOWN has been tortuous for this, because we have, perhaps, been forced to take things a bit too slowly.

@ZoZoBo yes you can do this... you do so much already. I'm in awe as I have a 50/50 custody deal and that's hard enough with work and study and dating

@LivingMyBestLife2020 lolled at you wishing the ex well when he suggested moving to Spain

Had an unexpected visit from Mr T today. He text this afternoon to say he was at his mums around the corner and could he pop over. So we had a lovely hour in the garden, playing in the sandpit and with Duplo with my son. So it’s been nice :)

The ex seems to have finally accepted it’s over but we’ll see!

Aw, an impromptu visit...how lovely!

It was most unexpected but lovely. He’s asked if I’m free tomorrow evening too. If that happens then I’ll have seen him 4 out of 5 days this week, which is much more than the one, maybe two, we usually have.

I’m feeling better about everything with Mr T as he’s great with my son but the ex backing off has also helped. I got a marriage proposal and the offer of another baby from him yesterday 🤣😂 he’s text tonight to say he accepts it’s over and he gives his blessing for Mr T to meet our son when the time is right (I won’t rock the boat and tell him he already has) so just trying to keep him happy and quiet moving forward

For anyone else who needs reminding of this today, you are the prize and if someone else doesn't recognise that they aren't right for you anyway