Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

It’s nice to hear of a few good dates for people.
Sorry for those of you who have been let down.

This thread shows me I am in no way ready for the rollercoaster that is OLD but I will keep an eye on the thread and will most definitely post when I have finally plucked up the courage and few ready for it!

I have just finished reading a book called ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ which was fab. I’m not in to doing all of the activity suggestions in there but just reading it made me think about what I do in relationships and how I need to work on my confidence before moving forward with dating.

@Onesmallstep67 it has been so great having her support and in my corner as it were.
It has been a bit of a weird transition from the thread being able to share pictures and names of dates. She has been such a source of support not only for dating but for me transiting from being self employed to wanting to build a career at a company. We are planning a girly night/weekend for later on in the year when she is in her new house and things have opened back up.

It's a shame to see so many familiar names on the thread. I can only hope that we will all eventually find someone who suits us and what we are looking for.

My irons are all a bit meh at the moment. I need someone that will respect my journey and that's hard to find. I'm submitting my undergraduate dissertation today. It's taken 4 years because I had to take a year out when I left my ex with the help of Women's Aid after 20 plus years of controlling behaviour. I've done it while bringing up 7 children on my own, 3 with autism. There's almost no one in my real life to be proud of me but today I'm proud of me

@frocksmock I'm proud of you. You have achieved so much on your own

@Dancerinthemoonlight

And you know it's mutual, having someone going through the same things is affirming.

That and I'm now lucky to count you as a friend, I'll always have your corner.

Im thinking my three month fling with Mr Travel Writer might help me get over the Mr Swan thing (who am I kidding 😁)

@frocksmock count me in... I'm proud of you too.

@frocksmock
I'm also proud of you, you are an inspiration

I will confirm for @cravingthelook that Mr Swan is totally confusing. In every way he is so into her but won't let go of whatever is holding him back

@frocksmock, gosh there is loads that you should be rightly proud of. Raising 7 children, juggling all their individual needs AND completely a course of study...

Bloody hell @frocksmock nuff respect to you! That is awesome. You are awesome. Well done!

@frocksmock are you superwoman? I’m proud of myself for doing a course with one child (and it’s hard) you are blooming AMAZING!

Aargh this dating lark is so hard. I don’t know if it’s worth the headspace, I really don’t!

I feel like I’m doing all the running instigating all the conversations and suggesting dates for meets. When we are together he seems so into me not just sex but also loads of chats, feeling a connection. But when we are apart it’s like he couldn’t care less...
I’m thinking it’s just a sexual thing for him despite all his statements to the contrary. After a pretty brief conversation last night, I suggested earlier today that we meet Friday and he has read message and hasn’t responded. I feel like I’m being phased out and it hurts:(
So what to do? My pride is telling me to step back and leave it as I feel stupid constantly putting myself out there and getting not much back. But I also stubbornly want to ask him what is going on...that would be a dumb thing to do wouldn’t it?
I know I know! I am the prize but it’s making me feel inadequate and also annoyingly clingy and needy

Thank you, you lovely lot! I'm not usually one to blow my own trumpet. But as we say on this thread know your worth, and I bet each one of us has plenty to be proud of. Today I'm promising myself no more dating the ones who are never going to be right, just to have someone.

Interesting @ruralbliss about having more time to text if they're losers.
I've had this before and never really thought about it. Lovebombing from the same person too.
Yet now I'm messaging someone with a job and hobbies and basically a life, this is all new! I'm definitely a 'rescuer' or have been in the past. Thankfully recent counselling has made me realise this and now I can see the patterns in past relationship. Now I'm looking for someone roughly equal and independent who I don't have to babysit and emotionally carry.

@ZoZoBo, it's so difficult isn't it trying to decide whether you are the one pushing things along and he's just a willing passenger or whether he really is pretty laid back. I think the only way to find out is to see what he does if you stop making the plans. If he reacts and steps up then great but if he doesn't then I think you have your answer - or at least a situation that you can question him about. Isn't one of the thread ' rules ' about if you can't talk about something then the relationship isn't the right one ( very badly paraphrasing )

@Rainydayss

Saw this today and thought of me, a friend and now you...

[quote Onesmallstep67]@ZoZoBo, it's so difficult isn't it trying to decide whether you are the one pushing things along and he's just a willing passenger or whether he really is pretty laid back. I think the only way to find out is to see what he does if you stop making the plans. If he reacts and steps up then great but if he doesn't then I think you have your answer - or at least a situation that you can question him about. Isn't one of the thread ' rules ' about if you can't talk about something then the relationship isn't the right one ( very badly paraphrasing )[/quote]
@Onesmallstep67 that’s it really. I’ve come to bed feeling quite low tonight - I suggested a meet and he has basically Read and ignored my message while Being on and off WhatsApp all day. I’m going to sit on my hands and see how it plays out.
I’ve so much shit going on in my life that this was my ‘one nice thing just for me’ and I got over-invested too soon I think.
Anyway I’ll try and sleep and see what tomorrow brings ...could be back swiping soon

@ZoZoBo sorry you're going through a hard time at the moment. He doesn't sound too bothered on the face of it, but there may be other things going on for him that you don't know about? I think in your shoes I'd be planning for him to do a slow fade though tbh.

@frocksmock yes he could have stuff going on or more likely the slow fade is happening realistically because if you like someone you think about them and want to be with them...he’s not showing me that.
And I’m dealing with my ex going psycho; my dads cancer coming back; a health issue that’s getting worse; 3 kids I have 80+% of the time and a demanding full time job ...and I can manage to respond to multiple messages a day! Uh it’s just shit because I like him a lot but I’ll be fine because the list above tells me I’m strong and maybe also I don’t need dating in my life right now:(
Thanks for the posts ladies it helps a lot to vent to people who get it

@ZoZoBo you sound like you have so much going on. I would expect the slow fade myself. I do think with all that's going on, try not to make him the one good thing for you. I've said exactly the same phrase before myself and the disappointment is crushing when it doesn't work out. I try very hard now not to say that, and to know that I could get back on the horse easily if things didn't work out with someone. Hard but I think it's better for my esteem. You deserve someone who gives you the attention you want.

@ZoZoBo are you me? We have a lot of things in common (non attentive iron, crazy ex, health problems, kids and work) if you ever want to chat, please let me know :)

I had a chat with Mr T last night (via WhatsApp) I told him I felt things were fizzling from his side. He disagreed and said he thought it was going good but if I didn’t, then he wasn’t giving me what I need and want. He then asked me what I want to do moving forward? I said I’d like to keep dating and see where it goes as I like him but I’m still thinking (using somebody’s words from up thread) that he’s a willing passenger.

On the crazy ex front, he asked me to marry him and said he wanted us to have another baby last night 🤣😂 When I laughed and explained he’s a narcissist and I’d rather gouge my eyes out, he took offence and said he’s got an opportunity to move to Spain so he’s taking it. I wished him luck 😏

@ZoZoBo
Sorry to hear your iron has ignored your message, i cant stand men who do the slow fade, just be open and honest.

I know life is tough for you right now and you want 'one nice thing for you' but does this have to be a man?
We can't control how the men we meet act and feel and then you're at risk of feeling so crap when they let you down.

Can you find something else nice for you that doesnt rely on a man because you definitely deserve it?

@Eesha and @SortingItOut you are right of course. I think what I mean about one nice thing is that it’s so separate from all the shit going on that it feels like an escape when I’m with him as I do actually feel like running away from it all. But making him so important in my life is not a good idea (obviously!) so I need to work on this going forward and meet my need for something ‘nice’ elsewhere.
@LivingMyBestLife2020 your ex and mine should run off to Spain together ! Thanks for the support it means a lot - and sorry you are going through much the same as me.

Still ruminating a little about being dumped by Mr Sparky....One of the reasons/ non reasons he gave was that, when we first got to know each other, I didn't want to talk to him on the phone, preferring messaging. Later, when I got to know him better, I WAS up for talking on the phone, I just don't enjoy it with people I don't know that well. I would use my autism as a reason for that, but I know full well that plenty of NT people don't enjoy talking on the phone either.

Does that sound a bit controlling to you, as well as being a fairly pathetic attempt to shift the blame onto me?

I think I've got to join a Zoom meeting that he's chairing later. How lovely . I could duck out, but then that's allowing him to force me out of being involved in something I enjoy.

@ZoZoBo, when I read your post I too wanted to suggest that finding comfort and support from a new man might in itself be causing some of the sadness ?. And that instead your thing that was just for you and special should be something else. But of course what you might naturally be hoping for is someone to be there for you in the toughest of times. I have felt that lots in the past. I would frequently say I was looking for someone to put their arm around me and tell me it was all going to be okay ( 3 significant bereavements in 4 yrs ) but actually on reflection, at times, looking for love / dating actually caused me to feel more unsettled. You know your own resilience but be kind to yourself.