Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@wondersense he sounds intense. I had a similar relationship last year. He didn't have enough in his life to keep him busy do constantly pestered me and wanted to be involved in too many aspects of my life.
I've had a lot of counselling recently about my dysfunctional marriage, however have learnt all about boundaries and this has helped relationships going forward, it's made me less of a walkover I guess.

Rejoining this wonderfully supportive thread as was/am meant to be having a first date with a nice sounding guy having texted & phoned regularly for the past few weeks.

I'd normally fastrack a meet up but two of our original plans to have first date got trashed.

He's been telling me how much he likes the sound of me & vice versa

I called him last night to firm up where we'd meet. He said he'd text me a link/postcode as knows the town. We chatted for about 30 mins. All good.

Immediately I sent him a text to share a podcast I'd recommended whilst chatting but he's sent NOTHING back. No directions, no 'nice to chat, can't wait to meet you, thanks for podcast' and today no 'Morning - it's date day...'

Ffs.

I'm assuming he's gone ghosty. I'm assuming I'll get no explanation & the date is off OR he'll send the directions & I'll have to schlep out for meeting someone who isn't actually interested.

Reminding myself that I am the prize. Any bloke who goes 'Meh' at me is just another not good enough for me & bullet dodged. Yay.
Saves time, effort, emotion etc. & I look forward to one day meeting someone who's well up for everything I have to offer & if they too turn out to be not-for-me I'll probably wish they'd ghosted me ahead of meeting for first time.

I'm taking a sabbatical from OLD as of now. I'm going to re-start in March 2021 when I've lost 2-3 stone, got fitter, decorated the house, renovated the garden, read & written more.

@Ruralbliss, any word from him ? You sound like you are pretty much on top of things regarding your self worth and boundaries. I took a step back from dating last year and focused on myself for a chunk of time, lost some weight etc. It was good and a much needed period of adjustment for me after several difficult years ( mostly unrelated to my relationship). I dabbled along the way and met a few guys but viewed it more as enjoyment than looking for anything permanent or long term. Then someone came along who turned my head and after a few bumps in the road we are still seeing each other.
I do think men can be flaky though. I wonder whether the men on the thread find that women can be equally elusive or changeable when it comes to making arrangements and sticking to them ?

@Onesmallstep67

Nope. Nothing. I'm sitting on my hands not to text/call. Just looked to see the change in text length/frequency happened on Friday.

I guess he's had his head turned by someone else instead.

I'll text later when I finish work just to check he doesn't think we're still meeting. If he does I still will.

Counting my blessings in advance though as he rides a motorbike which on my list of No-no's & won't have to do any fretting about his safety if he's binned me off.

Yay again.

@Ruralbliss, I think sometimes ( most of the time ) for me it's the feeling that you are waiting and wondering, will the date happen? am I free to do something else ? etc. And of course you are, but in reality most of us wait and keep the arrangement pencilled in - because we've invested time and mental space building up to seeing this person. Let's hope that you at least get an answer one way or another.

@Onesmallstep67
This is true & actually if he has binned me off I've got nothing to lose by getting in touch and asking him. If he's a decent bloke and just busy I've also got nothing to lose by texting.

It's only game-playing by not texting and hoping he does. I'll text him in a couple of hours if still nothing as my eldest had revised her plans in order to babysit!

@Rainydayss

I narrowed the list down to 4 who had actually replied with more than a one liner and met 2 of them for coffee but didn’t feel the connection with either as their online photos were more flattering than real life and I had the feeling at least one was married. The whole experience put me off a bit.

There are plenty of blokes who will shag you but not many that tick my boxes.

I’m having a rest from it all at the moment.

Oh great. A google maps link & an address has come in by text. Nothing else. No other words.

Options:

(a) Don't reply and turn up
(b) Reply saying 'Thanks' and turn up
(c) Text back saying it's ok if he's changed his mind I'd rather not waste the petrol/evening

As it happens I'm trying to get rid of a migraine which came on earlier & feel terrible right now.

Quick update from me.

I backed right off Mr T to see if he made any effort. He did, and he came over last night after asking to see me. Nice bottle of wine, film, chilled.

I feel like I’m in limbo. Not sure to move it forward or not. So this morning, I invited him out to breakfast with me and my son. My son has just turned 2 so I’m not worried it’s to early. I have male friends so It’s not something unusual for him plus he’ll forget pretty quickly and we didn’t touch or kiss.
We were there 3 hours. He was great with him but towards the end I got the impression he’s had enough of rolling round on the grass! We said our goodbyes, Mr T said he was cute and he shot off like a rocket! 😂🤣

I’ve just text him and said “Take your time to digest (and recover) 🤣😂 and you know where I am if it’s not too scary a concept. Equally, I completely understand if it is.
Enjoy the rest of your day 😊x”

He’s responded that my son is not scary, but it was exhausting and he doesn’t know how I do it.

I’ll leave him be now. I know it’s a massive thing, even if we are only dating currently and my son won’t be part of that, I wanted him to know what my life is like and more importantly, how he interacted (perfectly actually. He took my son on the park so I could drink my coffee in peace!)

So let’s wait and see. I’m good either way :)

@Ruralbliss, what have you opted for ? To me it doesn't seem a particularly thoughtful start to anything. It's minimal effort on his part. Although, I am usually someone who likes to give people the benefit of the doubt ( and curious to see what they are like IRL)

@LivingMyBestLife2020, glad that Mr T has stepped up a bit with the contact and he was good around your DS this morning. You seem in a good place with taking it as it comes.

I'm going to go & meet him without texting him 'Are you sure you want to do this'

I want to see what he's like IRL

Could do without this migraine though (maybe it's a sign...)

How do you feel about dating men with or without children? Any preference?
I know the person is obviously more important than circumstances however I think how nice it would be eventually for my DC (only child) to have others to play with. However on the other hand thinking how nice it would be nice have freedom on the weekends when I'm child free, nice weekends away etc

@Rainydayss my current partner has no children whilst I have two toddlers. Admittedly it has played on my mind that he might want his own one day but it's still early days for us and although I've touched on it in conversation, I think we are in early fun stages and he isn't really thinking so far ahead. I've tended to date those with children in the past as I then assumed they understood my limitations (I have my children 100% of the time).

I can’t have more DC but I do like children a lot. I also find good dads really attractive. Mr R is currently a full time dad. He gets 1 night off a week. I have only ever had that too anyway so I am used to it. I am a home type person not a traveller type person so I don’t really feel like I am losing freedom or anything, I have pets and are committed to them so going away last minute is not something I have ever done anyway. I’m only 40 so sure there is plenty of time... I’m not gagging for freedom exactly

I keep ending up with younger men who have much younger children than mine, but I am 40 and mine are nearly adults as I was a young mum so I am in a funny spot. I have not found it easy to meet men with children same age as mine and TBH, mixing teenagers is not easy and it’s far far easier to possibly mix cuter little ones with my older girls who also like children. I have met men with no DC but even though mine are 16 and 17, I still feel like I need to be around for them so it was hard for them to see why I couldn’t just go somewhere last minute. DC still need food/attention/support

@Misha2011 Did you end up going on the date with the text speak guy? Interested to hear how it went!

Think things are definitely over with Mr Copper. Background: met online during lockdown, talked for ages before meeting due to Covid, met around 5 weeks ago and been dating since. I thought things were going well, was really falling for him, the sex was great, and I could see a future with him.

He started to go weird last week after I said I couldn't see him at the moment due to Greater Manchester (where we both live) being put on lockdown again. He's not a great believer in lockdown and was trying to get me to break it so I could see him. I refused many times. He said I clearly wasn't interested in him and now I haven't heard from him since Friday. Was I being unreasonable here? Should I have still continued to see him regardless of the restrictions? I think I did the right thing but I'd be interested to know what some of you girls would have done in that situation?

Had a couple of chats with a couple of new irons over the weekend but none were really doing it for me and they have all fizzled out. I will admit the thought of starting to talk to someone else from scratch is exhausting. I hate those opening few messages when it's all "how's lockdown treating you?" "where are you booking your next holiday to?" etc. I think its because with Mr Copper we clicked pretty much immediately on Tinder and our conversations were always more than just the mundane and the thought of having to start over again with getting to know someone is a bit depressing. So many of the conversations never go beyond surface level and it's like pulling teeth trying to get a back and forth going. Maybe I'm just not in the right headspace for it at the moment.

@Backonthehorse1, I've slightly lost track of the rules and not been subject to local lockdown restrictions but is there a reason for you to feel that you shouldn't see him ? Would you technically still be classed as a bubble ? Presumably you have previously been intimate with him. I guess it depends what kind of person you are. I would respect my iron's wishes if I understood their reasons but I wouldn't automatically have stopped seeing him as I would feel it wasn't necessary as we were already being physically close

@Backonthehorse1 i think what would have put me off your guy is him throwing a strop, regardless of whether there is a lockdown or not. That said, I saw my iron during lockdown and we did picnics and walks etc so couldn't you have done that, ie compromise somehow?

@Backonthehorse1, sorry to hear about Mr Copper. If things end with Mr T, I’m not sure I’ll be straight back on the apps. I also hate the initial starting a chat part. It drains me so much. I think I’ll just be a happy single who has an occasional swipe to see what’s around 😊

@Onesmallstep67 @Eesha Thanks for your input, you both make really good points. We've never discussed being in a 'bubble' but like you said we have been sleeping together, I've not been seeing anyone else and although we never had the 'exclusive' chat I don't think he was seeing other people either. Thinking about it now we clearly were 'bubbled' weren't we?!

I think when the local lockdown was imposed it spooked me a bit and I think I just followed the 'not allowed to see anyone outside your family' thing and didn't really think about whether we were classed as a bubble. Like most things OLD, this could have been sorted out if I'd have just come out and asked him outright whether we were 'together' as far as dating went instead of being too scared to come on too strong.

Oh I've really ruined things now. I'm so so annoyed with myself.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I'm fully with you on that! I'm off the apps for a while now. It all just seems so time consuming and unless there's an initial spark within the first couple of messages I don't have the energy for it. Things with you and Mr T sound like they're going well though. It sounds like he's making a lot of effort to show you he's into you and the meeting with your little one sounds like it went well without being too heavy. I think you could have a keeper there!

Thanks @Backonthehorse1. I think he was a little overwhelmed by the end. My son took a right shine to him so just wanted to play, play, play!

I told him to have a think about how he felt now he's seen a snippet of my life. Not heard anything since lunchtime so I wont hold my breathe.

Its fine if he doesn't want to continue. I completely get it. It must be hard for somebody with no children to consider getting into a relationship with somebody with a toddler. So I'll give him some space to have a think and report back when I know either way :)

I've matched with a guy who has sent me just questions like :

"What are you taking from your last relationship as a positive and negative"

"When do you feel at your happiest, angriest and sexiest"

He's replied claiming I've contradicted myself in my replies (I haven't, he's obviously just a bit dense)

How do these binary questions help anyone to get to know anyone?

Honestly, it's so tedious.

@Backonthehorse1 sorry to hear that, I think you need to feel comfortable with CV related risks.

I need to rant
My Occasional friend FB wants me to meet he's already told me he's seeing someone serious. But wants to meet me to DTD I said no as he was seeing someone else now
He then went into texts about what I could learn about having a relationship with him. Putting more effort in re frequency of when we met etc. I text him as good as I got then said. Just leave it we are grown ups.

He thought he could have his new woman and me. So glad I said no

Think he's deleted me on what's ap now but I feel so angry at him feel he didn't like me saying no. Glad I did I I saw the real him

Thank you for allowing me to vent my frustration somewhere else

Hello again, folks.
Damn, this evening I am sad :(. Been dating Mr Sparky since March, but things had been progressing very slowly, due to lockdown, children and various other things. But, I thought they were progressing in the right direction. We had a lot of mutual friends, mutual interests, talked and talked and talked.....although, we somehow never had many deep talks about how we felt about each other, where this whole thing was going. If anything, I felt we were gradually getting more into each other.

But this evening, after a cancelled date (he had to work late) we had a good long chat on the phone, which all seemed to be fine...then right at the end, I was trying to arrange our next date and said "You DO still want to meet up, don't you?", and he basically said "Well, er, actually, not really". He tried to explain why, but wasn't clear. "Likes me more as a friend", "dealbreakers", "we didn't see each other enough" etc etc.

Part of me really really wants him to clarify exactly why he wasn't into it, but then the sane part suspects that that would be both pointless and hurtful. I'm just pretty pissed off because, to be honest, I consider myself more attractive than him, we're both, er, "quirky", I found things in him that I both liked and didn't like so much, but was willing to continue and keen to get to know him better. Him not so much, evidently. Perhaps the difference is that I was keener to be in a relationship? I know if I asked him, he'd probably make a good fist at telling me, but I really don't know if the desire for this kind of "feedback" is coming from a healthy place

I'm fighting the "I'm unlovable" thoughts at the moment, it's really tough

Oh @crackofdoom I'm so sorry. What an unexpected kick in the teeth and rejection for you.

The same thing happened to me so I can totally relate to the 'Hang on a minute - we had something good there and you're not such a catch matey that you can bin off decent women...'

I never pressed for a list of things of reasons not to like me either just fought back the tears and said goodbye. I figured the things he didn't like enough to be long term would be the things future dates would adore. I was right.

Still doesn't stop the hurt though and the loss of a key person in your life. You have every reason to be sad for a little while then it'll be time to get back in the saddle before we can say Mr Who? about him.

Hope you feel better soon. Make a list of the things that weren't brilliant about him? That might help.