Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Hi @Yolandapanda and welcome. Quite a few things there to address in your post. I'd say first off safety is a priority so if meeting someone at yours isn't an option then think carefully where you would plan to meet. And establish enough trust that you are comfortable with them. From experience that doesn't always take forever, you can get a good sense of some people very quickly.
If you are truly only looking for casual then a good place to start might be fab swingers. Several from this thread have met irons from there and the benefit of that site is that you can be upfront and clear about what you are looking for without any judgement.
And absolutely you can walk away from whoever, that is your complete perogative.
I think say upfront what you are looking for, what you can offer and what you would like in return. Handled the right way I'm sure you could have lots of fun. You may find that there is some odd twists and outcomes with some people you chat to/meet but then you come back to the thread and hopefully get some reassurance and support. Many of us find this a great place to offload when we may not have the outlet IRL.

Hi all. I have a 4th date arranged with MrRednap for the weekend but I'm still not convinced we're on the same page. I am attracted to him and our dates are fun but there is still no flirting in messages and just dont get impression hes that fussed. He has even less freetime than me so not sure if he's only after someone to go out with for a couple of hours every 2 weeks or so. Whilst I'm not looking for marriage or living with anyone again I'd like to see someone more than that if it moves on 🤷‍♀️

So, I'm actively swiping again. Started 2 chats with 2 prospective irons yesterday, matched with 2 today and have 2 returners that are asking for dates. Will see how it goes

@Nikhedonia
I am one of those who has an iron from Fab Swingers.

I like Fab Swingers for casual sex and as everyone is on there to meet for sex everyone knows where they stand.
Yes people do have some kinks but there is someone for everyone on there.

Fab actively encourage Socials so generally you would have a social at a coffee shop to see how you got on and then at a later point meet for sex.

You get a feel for people from their messaging and also at a social.

Beware though that a lot of men are married, some are upfront but others arent.

I have used normal dating sites for casual sex and that can work well aswell.

Further down the line when you want to meet for sex if you dont want to go to their house then you could book a hotel room and just use it for a few hours.

Always tell someone where you are and who you are with and arrange a check in time.
I had 2 friends who looked out for me, i would check in after 2 hours and then hourly- all the men i met were fine with me having to text a friend to confirm i was safe.

If you have any specific questions just post on here and we will be happy to help.

@Slothmomma how do you feel when you are around him?

I’m so glad I’ve found this thread. I think reading others stories is really going to help me prepare when I am ready.

I’m feeling really down this afternoon about my breakup but felt great earlier. How long did it take most of you to be genuinely ok all of the time after a long term breakup? I’ve not been single properly since being a teenager so just finding it odd I suppose.

@SortingItOut
I've been on fab for about a week. You can get literally anything you want on there. It's taken me that long to work out how it works but the upfront ness I like. You can just block ignore or polite no thanks
Messaging a couple of people who are local to me so being careful as we maybe have mutual friends
I also thought I knew a lot but no.!!
It's keeping me entertained and maybe one day something will come of it (would tell anyone else I was on there though) 😉

Oops. Wouldnt tell anyone else!

Hi Everyone, first time poster on this thread but been lurking for a while, whilst I built up my confidence to get back out there!

I joined e-harmony a week ago and have to say it’s slim pickings to say the least, so in my frustration rejoined Tinder (I dabbled and went on a few dates 2 years ago). Can someone explain how Tinder works these days? Is it still full of players? I joined the premium site, thinking it’s easier to swipe people you know have already swiped you and I was quite overwhelmed. It goes so fast and people you match with seem to disappear quickly after messaging unless you message back immediately (or at least with 24 hours). Does that mean they’re probably just chancing their arm and are likely to be players?

I got chatting to a few men but I find it hard to hold multiple conversations.

Awholenewlife I cant tell in person whether he fancies me either 🤷‍♀️ 3 dates and no kiss.

As for life after a break up - I was 19 the last time i dated and did 20+ years with my ex. Didnt feel ready to even contemplate dating until after 2 years. Its over 3 now and I'd say I'm doing OK although still have the odd low now again if my mind wanders to how things were/should have been/how badly I was treated etc. Not sure that will ever go completely though

@slothmomma that’s a tricky one. Is he shy? Does anyone find that they don’t truly know how strong the attraction is until there is a kiss?

I know I’m not ready at all yet and I know if my ex found out I was on dating sites he would cause a whole load of hassle that’s not worth the fight so I’m going to wait a few more months I think. I’ve told myself to wait until Christmas I think and see how I feel then but will keep on here as it’s a great support.

@SortingItOut Fab is brilliant for a self esteem boost I found, and actually I thought it was more respectful in many ways than traditional OLD sites, at least once you've weeded out the pushy or weird ones. Everyone is pretty honest about what they want and I found it refreshing.

Well despite my utter reluctance to try Tinder, I got drunk last week with my friend and signed up! I now have two dates lined up for the weekend (all being well) so that's quite exciting! :D

@frocksmock
Fab is definitely very refreshing and as a woman you dont feel shame in admitting you just want casual sex.

I suffered really low self esteem and body confidence after my husband had years of emotional affairs and i ended up feeling like i wasnt good enough so i decided to have my own sexual revolution and i dont regret any of it.

It did wonders for my body confidence and self esteem.

I'm still about.
Met a Mr Travel Writer on Saturday afternoon, then met him again later Saturday night and then spent most of Sunday with him. He's coming over tomorrow night.
It's casual, it's fun, he's only in my city for 3 months. He is NOT boyfriend material at all. I'm just going to enjoy it for what it is.

Good for you Cravin, sounds like fun and at least you're under no illusion what you've signed up for.
Anyone know how much you should/shouldn't message?
Haven't met him yet (seems nice, asks questions, shares info about himself) however 2-3 messages a day, quite long ones. I've no idea what's the norm!
I guess I should suggest we meet for a date!

I found fabswingers totally overwhelming. Within 30 mins of joining I received over 170 messages. Most were just Hi Babe even though in my profile I had said that I won’t respond to one line approaches. One thing it is had definitely made me realise is that my ex has a very small to average penis! There are some whopper on there!

@Nikhedonia

The trend of men opening up their description of themselves talking about their sexual preferences is most bizarre (I've just read one where the chap immediately starts talking about his obsession with silk and satin on a woman's skin. He's also put a link to an article on feminism, am I being cynical or does it seem a bit odd?!

@Nikhedonia Yeah that sounds odd. Sounds like a fetish or he could be into cross dressing.

I met Mr L from OLD. We went for a drink down the coast, lovely walk along the beach in the evening.
We have been on four dates now and all we do is laugh, he's so down to earth and funny! The sex is amazing too.

Isn't the beginning just the best?! I'm waiting for it to go wrong!

[quote 30somethingandstillsingle]**@Bunkbedpeople
Thank you, that actually gave me some 'food for thought' and I have been thinking a lot about it.

MrL is very much of the 'if you have a problem or something on your mind you must share it' mindset. I have been feeling like I am too closed off, but actually, I'm like that for good reason. Yes I know I would need to open up to someone in a LTR, but this is not at that stage yet.
He is very intense in many ways, he wanted to book the week off work to spend with me because my dc are with gp for the week. I had to be really forceful in saying no, but he still booked thurs and fri off. I have a hospital appointment on Friday and I want to go alone, it's for a scan and yes I'm nervous, but he is trying to insist I need him to come. We just had a heated discussion on the phone because he is trying to say he is coming whether I like it or not.

On the one hand he is lovely, I like how attentive he is amongst other things but he's so intense at times I feel like running for the hills. [/quote]
@Bunkbedpeople As frustrating as it can be to be with someone highly introverted (like my own partner is), one just has to deal with it and accept that some people need space to process things inwardly. As long as you're not being passive aggressive then it's fine. He's trying to get in your head because he's already displaying a suspicious nature and wants to know every facet about you, because otherwise is causes him to feel insecure.

He sounds like bad news. I knew someone like that. Intense, funny, affectionate, warm but he was in my hair all the time. Totally didn't respect boundaries and it seemed he wanted to seal the deal as soon as possible. You're not even in a proper relationship yet and he's already not listening to what you're saying, thinking he knows better. I don't know why on earth anyone would insist on coming to the GP with anyone else. You are not a child and seeing a GP is a sensitive matter.

He sounds dominating and controlling. Run for the hills because I think it will get a lot worse.

@30somethingandstillsingle ^

@WolfRun can't wait for your updates! Hope your dates go well.
@isla32 enjoy every moment and try not to borrow trouble - easier said than done I know! It sounds lovely, I'm so pleased for you.
@Nikhedonia that would be a red flag for me. I read a profile recently where he just wanted a wrestling partner. No sex, just play fighting
@Rainydayss I don't know about you but I find long messages a bit off putting, they're such hard work to reply to! I'd rather have more but shorter messages. Anyway it sounds like a good idea to meet up especially as he asks questions as well as sharing stuff about him. I'm going through a spell of messages from men who don't respond to anything I say and reply with more about them. It's like talking to the wall.

@baterwaiter
Some men prowl the New Women search function and literally message everyone new no matter where they live.

They dont care whst your profile says becsuse its a numbers game to them, these are also the same men whomosn that noone wants to meet.

Fab etiquette says you delete messages if you are not interested which makes life much easier for a polite person like me

Oops pressed post to soon and didnt proof read.....

Sometimes if i was bored and had spare time i would reply to men and tell them why i wasnt interested and what they could do to improve their profile.

Quite a few listened and made better profiles!!!

And as for penis size - just wow!!!
I was like a kid in a sweet shop

@SortingItOut that was the same for me on fab! I actually rewrote a few profiles for people and replied to most explaining I was only there out of curiousity and not intending to meet anyone.

@Eesha
Some men on there dont put in any effort thinking they can get sex on tap.

Honestly some profiles were ridiculous, no photos, just having the factory settings for everything so age range would be 18 - 99, i asked mzny a man would they really have sex with a 99yr old, they were shocked I'd picked it up.

Men who created good profiles were always so much more respectful and thoughtful than the men who put as their profile 'fill in later'

In the forums loads of men ask for help with their profiles as they dont get replies, the answers are always the same in terms of better photos, better profile etc

At one point i thought i should become an official profile writer

Baiterwaiter will you meet any?
I'm debating doing the same, the whole relationship thing is not appealing at the moment. However I still don't know what I want!