Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@eesha thanks for the advice. I really don’t think I’m ready yet.

Problem is I can’t get this coworker out of my head. It’s almost like an obsession so I want to try and get over that too. I know I’m just deflecting the split though rather than deal with that. Has anyone else got any advice on not obsessing on a crush? I’m realising I have an addictive personality when it comes to men and that is not good for dating so must sort that out first!

@HalfDutchGirl I know I’m not dating so the worst person for advice but how do you feel when you meet up with Mr Blast? It’s a good sign you like it when he messages.

@30somethingandstillsingle that sounds like a very wise choice and think long term it’s better to let him down now than further down the line.

@Eesha @HalfDutchGirl

Thanks both. Yes, supposed to be meeting up today but I’m not feeling it. I’m unwell too. I have Ulcerative Colitis and been flaring for months. I’ve so far been able to to hide it from him (although I did tell him I have it alongside being Coeliac) but my medication has stopped working so I’m looking at surgery now 😞.

Everything was ok when I first met Mr T but it’s slowly gone downhill. It’s not something he should have to deal with, alongside the jealous ex 🙄 I’m feeling sorry for myself today, can you tell? 😞

It’s my birthday today and was woken by early morning ‘happy birthday’ messages from Mr C (the guy I knew years who I’ve had a bit of a long distance thing with) and Mr Weakattheknees (aka Mr M) who I don’t even recall telling it was my birthday! It threw me getting both messages weirdly and my head is a whirl of ‘wtf is going on’!!

@Awholenewlife123 thank you, I’m seeing Mr Blast tonight, he really wanted to take me out for a drink on my birthday. I’ve only seen him once so tonight will be interesting as to how I feel. I think because we knew each other many many years back we have history so when we reconnected (even though we didn’t know we knew each other when we matched on OLD!) it felt really lovely and ‘normal’.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Sorry youre feeling sorry for yourself today and not feeling your best, hugs to you. Give it time with Mr T, you’re going through a difficult time and so just take it one tiny step and date at a time (someone wise on this thread me told me to do exactly that). Try not to overthink it (easier said than done!) and try and have a good time later today.

@Eesha. I think everyone is dealing with dating in times of Covid differently and I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with.

Personally, I’m being sensible but acting pretty much normally (even though that is a contradiction of terms!), I live on my own and had such an awful time during lockdown I’m balancing my own mental health with my happiness. I know others may not agree but the dates I’ve had with Mr Blast and Mr M I’ve hugged them and had a snog (And DTD with Mr M) and we’ve gone out for walks and a drink/meal, but both pubs have been country ones, I’ve avoided the city and busy places. You have to do what’s right for you.

Happy Birthday @HalfDutchGirl! I hope you have a wonderful day

@HalfDutchGirl Happy birthday!!!!!

@Eesha I haven't exactly gone on a lot of dates, but I have been reasonably socially distanced. Mr LL hugged me when we met up last time and I was a bit shocked. But I suspect I am unusual in this. I would guess that most people let their barriers down a bit when they meet in person. And realistically, if you're sitting across the table from someone having food/drink for a half hour or more, you are probably already getting exposed if they have Covid.

Also, in response to why don't you tell him your concerns though about social circles etc. For me, distance would put me off a bit just because it's so much easier being close. How far away is he?

I guess the problem is that if I acknowledge any concerns, this means I am acknowledging that these are actually dates iyswim. Not sure whether this is the best approach, but I will probably just keep meeting up and behaving as normal, and not confront any issue unless he tries to kiss me or something.

I now live far away, in Zone 4 of London. He is in Zone 1. I think it's 45 min to an hour by Tube.

Happy birthday @HalfDutchGirl, hope you are having a lovely day

probably down to my hormones but I am feeling a bit meh about life at the moment. Too much indulgence of wine and snacks has seen my weight fluctuate again, which is demoralising. I have also posted previously about my life being a bit empty. Just had a couple of days away with my DDs but today feeling flat and bored.
Dating wise I have continued to see Mr V. We talk every day and when we are together ( about once a week ) I really enjoy his company. We are not a 'match' on paper and I have a long standing niggle that I can't see us going forward as a proper couple ( whatever that means)
When I feel like this and when I am not getting enough attention from him it's difficult not to fall back to old ways of flirting with other guys who still get in touch ( although this has calmed down lots) And I am already thinking about who else I might be able to see on Sunday when I am likely to have the house to myself overnight ( if Mr V not available ) As I type this I know that the root of my problem is a life that's not full enough. I shouldn't be looking to a man to keep me entertained and fill up my days but that's where I feel I am.
For those who know, Mr Cocky actually gives me more attention on a daily basis than Mr V. I did go and see him a couple of weeks ago but our once rampant sex sessions now seem a distant memory and he seems to be suffering with ED.
just as I was typing this Mr V has rung about seeing me later and some places he's found for us to go away for a night or two !
I think I am just going to sit it out and see what the next few weeks brings. My older DD is off to uni in September/October so I had mentally given myself that as a point at which I should review things - unless they review themselves in the meantime !

@Awholenewlife123 thank you for writing "I recognise that I am so keen to impress in a relationship that I loose myself. I would say I am quirky and I almost feel in a relationship I need to ‘conform’. I also recognise that I spend all of my time feeling guilty and so will give in even when it makes me unhappy" This really resonates with me and makes me realise how important it is to set boundaries but also to try and choose dates well rather than going for anyone that shows an interest, thinking I can change to be what they want.

@HalfDutchGirl hope you're having a wonderful birthday!

@Eesha I've had a couple of dates through lockdown, one of whom recoiled when I touched his arm without thinking. He then made a big deal of telling me how he hadn't even hugged his dad and here I was touching him etc which made me feel awful! Each to their own I suppose, but as a touchy feely person I'm finding it hard to remember to keep my distance.

@Onesmallstep67 I'm also guilty of filling loneliness and boredom with male attention. I don't feel good about myself when I do it, which just makes it worse. The legacy of emotional abuse and me ex's "noone will ever want you" I suspect.

@frocksmock I do exactly the same with male attention. I was just thinking today it’s almost like I have to prove to myself that I can get the attention which is awful but I too have been told that no one else would want me in more than one relationship and had never thought before that this may be why.
It sounds like our experiences may be similar.

I think it’s what I’m trying to do with my coworker. It’s just someone I almost have to prove to myself I can get attention from. Doesn’t help he is insanely good looking! I need to stop though! I’m away from work for a couple of weeks so hoping it will help stop my excessive daydreaming about him.

I agree about being picky. I’ve decided when I am ready I am going to be incredibly picky. If it means I stay single then so be it. It means I have no one telling me what to do so it’s not so bad.

Loads of great posts again. I’m trying to be really conscious not to lose myself while trying to see someone and making an impression etc - it’s too easy to go along with someone not to appear ‘difficult’.

Re dating in covid times - I’ve not been socially distancing at all with Mr Blueeyes loads of kissing on our first date and last 2 dates involved overnight stays away so not a chance of social distancing:)
it’s a calculated risk though as we both work from home and really don’t see many outsiders throughout the week and see each other every 2 weeks. My area has just been put on a lockdown though for 2 weeks from today so I am weighing up potentially breaking lockdown to meet him next week I am v smitten 😍

@frocksmock we haven't been socially distancing with each other but more I'm looking for date ideas as we don't feel comfortable in busy bars and pubs etc. It's been picnics and walks so far plus overnight stays but he's keen to show me it's not just a sex thing so we want to have proper dates!

@Eesha we’ve been going to restaurants and pubs for food and it’s always been so lovely and quiet. Wish it was always like that!

Any tips for sifting out good ones when looking at profiles?
I think I'm too fussy and dismiss them if I don't like their wallpaper in the background.
Also someone wrote he liked going for 'a bite to eat' which makes my teeth itch so he was quickly binned.

@Rainydayss that’s a great question. I fear I will be exactly the same.

Also, how do people stop obsessing. I’m terrible for it. I’m such a hopeless romantic that as soon as I’m around someone that I get on really well with, I create a whole story about them in my head to the point I fail to see the reality. It’s definitely part of the reason relationships have failed before.

I had met a man once, he seemed really keen messaging each other every day, felt we had know each other a lot longer..... there was never any hint of self doubt from him.
We arrange a hotel day and in the actual room he rejects me saying it’s not me it’s him and that he thought it was better to see me face to face to tell me, I disagree and wish he had texted me the night before.
Rejection why does it feel so bad.....
Why do I not dislike him and want to remain friends with him? This makes no sense to me at all.
I will now put my wall up and never let anyone in, I can not risk feeling this again.

Hi all it's been a while since I've been on here but I'm going to have to start sifting through profiles again soon. The guy I've been meeting up with since last October seems to have done a disappearing act. Things were moving very slowly but I honestly thought he was different to most guys online. He seemed so genuine and family orientated etc. The type that you'd settle down with. Last time I heard from him was on my birthday 10 days ago. We were supposed to be meeting up this weekend - he was the one who suggested it the last time I saw him but I've heard nothing to arrange it at all. Thought something was off as he's normally very reliable so I logged in and he'd been online in the past 24 hours. Can't believe he doesn't even have the decency to say something, there were no 'red flags' about his personality at all. He's fairly quiet so seems he doesn't have the balls to tell me. I didn't text him to ask about this weekend, I don't know what the hell to say to him after seeing he'd been online recently.

Has anyone here ever tried a dating agency? They seem expensive and I'm not sure if the reviews online are genuine or not

@Rainydayss I'd swipe left for using that phrase too!! I dismiss profiles with any hint of belligerence, the ones that say "is anyone on here real, does anyone on here talk, no drama" etc. Anyone who says "just ask" instead of a simple bit of information. Anyone who is in an obviously untidy house, anyone with children in the picture, anyone where they're in a group and you can't tell who it is, anyone doing thumbs up, anyone that is sat there with a pint (I don't know why but that irritates me!). There are probably more, I'm obviously a grumpy so and so!
@eesha sorry I misunderstood! There's a wildlife park near me that I'd love to go on a date to, but other than that I'd be the same, going for walks. Difficult to know what else to do!
@ZoZoBo that's so lovely to hear. It gives me hope!
@Flower32 what a coward!
@Awholenewlife123 snap! I've fantasised whole weddings about people I barely know I don't even want to get married! I'd love to stop obsessing too and just calm the hell down.

@Flower32@frocksmock I’m so glad it’s not just me! It’s infuriating!
@Summertime1973 that sounds like a horrible experience. I know what you mean about letting your guard down but don’t give up. Give yourself some time to recover and remember you deserve better. In the long run it’s better to know now not years down the line. (I know it doesn’t feel like that right now)
@flower32 sorry to hear you’ve had a rubbish time of it too.

I really don’t understand the mentality of them. I feel guilty just reading about it let alone being the one to do that.

Hi everyone! I posted this on chat before remembering the dating thread so apologies this is long!

I had a date on Thursday night with a guy I met online and it went brilliantly. We had spoken loads in the run up to the date, including hours at a time on the phone. He is quite a bit older than me (44 to my 29) but neither of us have much dating experience. We had a few goodnight kisses at the end of the date when he walked me home. He then phoned me from the car on his drive home, and text me when he got home saying it was the best first date he has ever had.

He had a busy day at work yesterday, and then we spoke on the phone for 2 and a half hours last night. To the extent where towards the end of the conversation he said he might as well have just come over! I text him afterwards to say goodnight and that I had enjoyed talking to him. He didnt reply but it was late and we were just off the mega-long phone conversation so there was no need!

We both have our children today, so I know I wont hear from him til this evening, which is absolutely normal and I dont want to distract him at all from time with his child. I did drop him a quick message this morning to say I hope he has a nice day with her. No response but like I said, not expecting one.

The thing is, I know this is completely normal not to be having constant conversations flowing throughout the day. I know he prefers to speak on the phone, and I love our phone conversations in the evening. I'm seeing him tomorrow night, although no concrete plans on what we will actually do but I dont mind.

He is really lovely and has made it very clear that he is into me. But honestly having never dated before I haven't figured out how to completely distract myself from worrying constantly that he has gone off me. I do struggle with general anxiety so maybe this is just how it is manifesting itself. He has given me no reason to believe that he is not into me. So why am I so bloody worried?!

I know what you mean about fantasizing about a potential life. I was only messaging to a man for a day and I'd already imagined our respective DC playing together
Also I've no idea how much to message to show I'm keen but not a bunny boiler...
However if they knew I was thinking of planning his life with me then,... indeed a bunny boiler I would be

@PurpleMackington if you read back I would say every one of us on here has posted similar at some stage and there are some great posts about overthinking etc .
He seems to be keen on you and I would love more chats on the phone as it’s great to be chatting and getting to know each other that way. I would say don’t overthink but there’s no point My iron doesn’t contact me when he’s with his kids and while I totally understand as he lives far away from them and wants to totally be ‘with’ them I do miss the communication...it’s a bloody head wreck dating at this stage in life

No idea why the icons are bottles and not faces!