Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Finally... I have been on a date! I have been single for almost eight years and on Match for some months with very little going on - I'm very fussy lol - and then yesterday I went for a drink with Mr Maths.

So relieved to have broken the ice and even if it doesn't go anywhere I have finally been on a date!! We had a nice time and got on well. He did talk about himself rather a lot! 😬 But we agreed that we'd like to meet again but then we are both away for a while so said we'd keep in touch until then via messaging.

It's such a big deal for me but I'm trying not to get too invested. That's really hard for me!

I have just stumbled across this thread. It’s nice to hear the realities of dating as I split with my husband a few months ago and at some point will be ready to get out there and date but need to get my confidence up before I do.
I have a huge crush on a coworker but he’s not single and it’s the one thing pushing as I want to forget about it! I don’t think I’m really ready for it yet though.

Does anyone have any recommendations for the best apps and how long did you wait before dating after a breakup?

@Mumtolittleorange well done! Everything crossed for you that this guy is great, but if not, at least you are on your way now. This thread is an excellent source of advice and gentle grounding when needed. Good luck!

@Awholenewlife123 only you can decide when you are ready to date. I guess it also depends on whether you are wanting a relationship or something more casual. Others will be along with better advice on apps, but Hinge and POF gave worked for me in the past. Good luck!

@frocksmock it’s definitely anxiety yes. Ex has been love bombing me the last couple of days and I’ve completely ignored him. He dropped our son back to me yesterday and he got all upset saying he missed me and our family and he was struggling to deal with the fact I’d moved on so quickly (it’s been 16 months since we split and almost 6 since we sold the house and officially moved on) I asked him to leave and told him I wasn’t interested and I I’ve moved on. He left but then sent a couple more messages which I’ve ignored. I know it’s just his narcissistic tendency trying to get to me but it’s draining.
Mr T asked if I wanted to talk as I sounded down. I said no as I don’t want to drag him into it but said that I felt better for the offer. We had a light hearted flirty text chat all evening, which was nice. He’s such a lovely man, no drama, he’s laidback and kind. All the things I’d find boring in the past but I’m older, wiser and have my son to think about now. I’m trying to keep myself grounded and keep it light and fun. I don’t want to scare him away.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 thanks. I am definitely not ready for a full blown relationship. I’m in counselling at the moment and want to get myself sorted so I have the confidence in a relationship after a couple of abusive relationships.
That sounds so hard. 16 months is not soon and you deserve happiness. Don’t let him take that away from you. Mr T also sounds lovely. Well done for not taking the offer! Definitely the right thing to do (I know I wouldn’t have the strength).

Thank you @Awholenewlife123 it’s hard navigating dating. I just don’t know how to date or what is normal, acceptable etc. This thread is great!

You will get loads of advice and there will be posters who have been through similar to you too.
Can I ask how the counselling is working for you? I gave considered it.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 feel it is going to be well worth it.
I recognise that I am so keen to impress in a relationship that I loose myself. I would say I am quirky and I almost feel in a relationship I need to ‘conform’. I also recognise that I spend all of my time feeling guilty and so will give in even when it makes me unhappy. I want to make sure I work on these and really build my confidence as I am fed up of relationships ending the same way.

I have only had a couple of sessions so I will keep you updated with the progress.

Hi all. I was around briefly on the dating threads back at the end of 2018/early 2018 after my marriage ended and I was starting to look at dating again. In Feb 2019 I met someone who I was with for almost 18 months. I thought he was the one, we were amazing together, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. However due, in part, to lockdown stress and some other things that went on in our relationship, he has ended things, and I don't think that there is going to be any way of working things out.

I'm in no way ready to start dating again just yet, I have some personal things that I need to work on, but I will start to lurk around again if that's okay? I found that reading your stories made dating much less daunting!

Marking place...will catch up on posts then join in.
Thick skin ready for this dating lark..

Hi just joined world of old. I have realised it’s weird out there. Just had a few dates with a massive over sharer. When our next date clashed with something else for me, he had a sulky flounce and has gone radio silence. Luckily I’m not bothered bc I’d sensed a few red flags previously (abusive marriage escapee- helped by the gang on MN to recognise and escape). But I feel very irritated - more so than situation warrants esp as he wasn’t for me anyway.

Has anyone tried a paid site such as elite singles? Not sure the best sites to use as pof seems to be full of players.

I'm on match rainy...have found them all much of a muchness really. I have overall found pof the worst though.

Hi all, can I join in?

Have started OLD and am feeling a bit jaded. The effort, the weirdos and even better spoke to a guy who seemed nice, who then ghosted me the day before our first date.

Dating is meant to be a confidence boost, but OLD is a big old confidence knock!

Welcome to all the newbies! OLD can be brutal. This group is excellent for support and keeping you grounded

I am back on the singles bench.

I finished things with MrL today. He is just too intense, too sensitive and too pressurising. I don't believe he is like that way on purpose but I just cannot cope with that sort of thing.
Ugh, it was such a hard conversation to have.

@30somethingandstillsingle

I am back on the singles bench.

I finished things with MrL today. He is just too intense, too sensitive and too pressurising. I don't believe he is like that way on purpose but I just cannot cope with that sort of thing.
Ugh, it was such a hard conversation to have.

Sorry to hear that @30somethingandstillsingle. Not a nice thing to have to do but better all around in the long run. Good luck for your next round 😊

@LivingMyBestLife2020 sorry I’ve lost track, so are you seeing Mr T tomorrow still? It must be so difficult with your ex clouding everything. I do get exactly what youre coming from with the attraction thing though - when I read your posts I really empathise and understand first hand.

With Mr Blast I sway from being really excited about seeing him again and then worrying I don’t fancy him but then love it when he texts me and then going complete circle again!! It’s like he’s got in my head like an ear worm and I can’t seem to work it out first nor last!!

I’m sorry but I can’t recall the name of the earlier poster who asked about dating sites. I’ve been on most of the them. Had a few dates from Tinder in the past, Bumble was never much cop. The most success I’ve had is through Match, I know you have to pay but I think that sometimes gets rid of the chancers/players. When I say ‘success’ I mean the two guys I’ve started seeing now, (even though it turned out I already knew Mr Blast) and also two years ago I met a guy through Match who I dated a while.

It’s like everyone always says, it’s a numbers game. It’s very transient so you might have nothing one day and then the next there are loads of matches, no-one new appears or looks appealing for a few weeks and suddenly all the good looking ones are back. At the end of the day you don’t have to match with loads. Just keep swiping and before you know it, it may well be like buses! Oh and by the way my pool of men is miniscule (I’m in my 50s!).

@30somethingandstillsingle that must have been difficult to end but good for you that you did. Onwards and upwards

Hi guys, can I join? I've only recently taken up OLD! It's been a fun way to meet new people, I've been ghosted and I've had a few days. It's all very exciting

@30somethingandstillsingle well done for being true to yourself. It can't have been easy, but it must have been the right decision.

@Nikhedonia yes, OLD is grueling. And so much work.

I texted Mr LL to ask if he wants to meet me at a local (to me) restaurant for this weird government freebie campaign. It turned out that they don't have tables to two weeks. He was gung ho but also said it would be nice to see each other in the meantime.

It's becoming more undeniable that he considers these to be dates and I just don't know what to make of it all - I like spending time with him but I'm not really in a position to get involved - especially given our overlapping social circles.

My biggest enemy here is clearly myself - I don't even know what I want.

But also, it is rather gracious of him and reflects well on him. I live kind of far away and he definitely doesn't care in the slightest about saving money because he's single and loaded.

It's admittedly early on in our interactions, but I was long distance with my ex in the beginning and a few months in he insisted I pay for his flight to visit me "to redress the balance".

@30somethingandstillsingle that sounds like a wise decision and frees you to meet someone more right for you.

Welcome to all our newbies

@happylittletree why don't you tell him your concerns though about social circles etc. For me, distance would put me off a bit just because it's so much easier being close. How far away is he?

@30somethingandstillsingle i think this intensity would have raised alarm bells for me, too much too soon so it's good you have made this decision. Also if it's meant to be at some point, it will.

@Awholenewlife123 it varies for everyone but I felt really daunted by dating after my split. I waited 9 months after my split to go on any apps but even then I didn't feel too ready. It was 15months post split that I entered into a FWB arrangement with someone from the apps which lasted almost a year. And 2.5 years post split that I actually started a relationship. It's been a long, slow journey for me with dating but a great learning experience about myself.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I'm a huge overthinker so I get where you are coming from. My ex has just gotten back with his ex and they have a volatile relationship but want to play happy families with our children. So I find that drama unsettling myself whilst at the same time im navigating a relatively new relationship where I don't want to put the drama in my head, onto him. Not sure this is the same for you but I find I feel I have no real control over my ex situation so I then try to control my new man situation in my head. Its very hard because he's so chilled and laid back and I really want things to work out. I think you have to look at things as separate entities and realise these are two different people. Your ex is your past and with each day, he is more and more in your past. Your new person just deserves to be treated with decency and respect and not be made the jump through hoops for you. I'd still keep things lighthearted but perhaps when there is a moment, explain what's going on but just end the conversation rather than let it take over the fun times you have together.

@WolfRun great for setting the bar high. I'm the same, didn't need someone but I did want someone in my life. I found slim pickings on the sites but the few I liked, liked my back. There is definitely a lot more people looking since lockdown and that can't be bad. Good luck!

I'm sure I've asked this one before but what are people doing date wise in post covid times? We have been doing parks and picnics so far as both wary about restaurants/pubs.