Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@frocksmock nope, no word. His last text was quite positive so I can only assume my cool demeanor must be part of the issue.

Well done cancelling rather than suffering through the date. One must conserve one's energy for this pursuit! It's so draining.

How are you feeling about it @happylittletree?

@frocksmock I'm rather torn. Part of me takes his silence personally, when it really shouldn't even matter. Another part of me feels I should reach out and try to connect because I sincerely like him and want to be friends either way (and we already were friends - or friendly, at least!)

A female friend whom I really like and wanted to connect with mentioned once that I am "cool," so I also worry that I'm a bit of an ice queen. Defence mechanism etc etc.

@happylittletree it's so hard isn't it, emotional abuse casts a long shadow. It sounds to me like you have nothing to lose by contacting him.

@frocksmock good plan to cancel a date if you don’t really feel it. I’ve done that a few times, feel bad about it, but better that than suffering a dull and boring pointless hour or so with someone you’ll never see again.

@happylittletree everyone’s communication habits are so different it’s always difficult trying to get your head round someone who’s messaging skills differ from your own. Hope you manage to work something out. I think we all have to build up a certain amount of defence mechanism for self preservation.

Responding to all those who are having issues with communication, I’m having the exact same thing but I’m getting used to it now and feeling more secure. He’s great in person but not so good at the texting. He makes me feel secure in person so I’ve accepted the texting

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I remember you bringing that up! It's great that you have found you can be comfortable with your different communication styles :)

@LivingMyBestLife2020 it's difficult at first to get your head round the texting thing but glad you're feeling more secure now.

Mr M rarely texts but I've realised that's just his way, whereas Mr Blast texts loads!

Had a random message from someone I haven't mentioned yet, Mr Flower, last night saying it was a shame we'd never got round to hooking up! I messaged him last on Friday, so hardly a long time! I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't!!

Mr Blast is taking up way too much of my headspace! He seems keen as well which is good and hopefully seeing him this weekend. I just can't get my head round the fact I didn't 'fancy' him when I saw him on Sunday and yet I'm really attracted to him and can't wait to see him again - does that make sense??

@HalfDutchGirl I completely get the attraction thing! It’s been the same with Mr T. When I first saw him I liked him but wasn’t head of heels. Each time I see him and spend time with him, he leaves and I think about him and he becomes more attractive. Then I see him again and I’m more attracted. Now I see him and he’s very attractive to me

This isn't happening with me but what are people's thoughts on irons regularly seeing their exes? I've been having an interesting discussion with my best friend about this. When is it inappropriate? Her partner of a year sees his ex (no kids) on a weekly basis for dinner...I think it's weird.

I think it depends! I wouldn’t like to be told I couldn’t see someone I was now platonic friends with but I also could feel weird about it. I think if they are open and honest with nothing to hide I could learn to live with it. I am not really a jealous person though unless someone makes me feel like I have need to be...

I told Mr R that I still speak to my ex, we are just friends now, and live miles apart and never meet up but we email each other (known each other 25 years and broke up 20 years ago!). He has female friend I’ve no idea if he has dated any of them though

@Eesha

This isn't happening with me but what are people's thoughts on irons regularly seeing their exes? I've been having an interesting discussion with my best friend about this. When is it inappropriate? Her partner of a year sees his ex (no kids) on a weekly basis for dinner...I think it's weird.

This is very weird! I used to see my ex husband once a week when we first separated (it was a mutal and sad decision to divorce) but that stopped as soon as we started dating again. We exchange a happy birthday/Christmas message each year but that is that. I’d be very concerned if somebody I was seeing was regularly seeing an ex if children were not involved

@LivingMyBestLife2020 - thank you! Glad I'm not alone in the puzzling attraction thing!

@LivingMyBestLife2020 yes, i only see my ex due to kids being involved but otherwise no I wouldn't see any exes regularly if I were seeing others.

How do people manage to find so many people to talk to / date?!
I've been back doing OLD for the last couple of weeks. I tend to stick to one app at a time as it's fairly time consuming and in that time I've completely run out of people to swipe on!
I've tried being a bit open minded and giving people I wouldn't normally go for a chance. I have a fairly low tolerance for nonsense so I tend to delete if people start trying to talk sex (not cool when I've 'known' you 5 minutes!), take days to reply, are hard work to talk to etc, etc..
I live in a city so you'd have thought there would be a reasonable selection of men but turns out that the age range I'm looking at (32-40 - so not really even that old!) is largely made up of over weight, inactive, hobbyless individuals!
It's getting very demoralising. I don't want children so from that point of view I don't have a biological ticking clock to contend with (for which I am very thankful as I'm sure that would make things even harder still), but I do want to find someone to settle down with and I would like to get married.
I've deleted Hinge after 'completing' it and now giving Bumble a go. Although there are some new faces on there it's not much better.
Zero point to this other than a bit of a moan / wallow. Most of my friends are in relationships and haven't the first idea how crap this journey can be.

I'm not sure how I stumbled across Mr P. I think I went into it half heartedly and didnt really have any expectations. He was the first person I ever met on OLD!!!
I didn't fancy him at first either but he made me laugh and oh my I fancy him now !!!
Definitely give people a chance I think.

@WolfRun I'm with you there, I've had 9 dates in 2.5years! I think keep your standards reasonably high and maybe get someone else to review your profile to see whether you might need to sell yourself a bit more

@WolfRun having similar myself mid 40 s don’t understand how hinge works I have likes but can’t message them do you have to pay to message ? It’s harder and harder with age to meet or even chat to anyone half decent on OLD whether paid or free I think

@Eesha, no fear there, definitely keeping my standards. I want a man, I don't need one so I have no intention of settling.

@Msyoganidra32 you don't have to pay with Hinge.

I think I just find the whole OLD thing very hard work. It's time consuming and very boring. I like to meet people in real life but that isn't really an option at the moment so much so I'm trying to embrace it.
I have managed to swipe my way through Bumble as well now. I've matched with 3 people who are 'okay' (being open minded) and have sent messages so will see how many I'm left with by tomorrow

@WolfRun I totally agree, slim pickings and I'm in an older age group than you where men seem to be gently settling into cardi and slippers mindsets, which is not my thing at all!

@WolfRun completely agree. I've completed bumble and they can't find anything else for me. Even tinder is reshowing me ones I swiped left first time

I've finally had a phone call from my current potential iron. Can I voice put you off? Or even that that there was no flirting. It was a very polite civil chat. Half an hour and he probably felt I cut it short so I could cook my diner. Probably need a preprepared response for him if he texts again!

Tried a bit of fab last night. Interesting and hadn't even put a pic on! Lots of weird stuff but a couple of message that appeared normal. Will take it slow on that one if I go on again!

Evening all, hope you are all well today :)

I’ve gone a bit weird and cold towards Mr T for absolutely no reason at all. We had a great date on Monday but not text much the last couple of days, which I’ve been fine about. He’s coming over on Friday and other than a little bit of flirty talk around lunchtime, I’ve not been fussed about talking to him.

I can only imagine that it’s my ex draining me. He’s always been able to suck the life out of me and even though I’m trying not to let him get me down, he is certainly taking the shine off my feelings for Mr T by guilt tripping me and pulling his full narcissist mode.

I’m sure I’ll be ok after I’ve seen him again on Friday. Things just seem to have become really intense at the minute (thanks to my ex , and he knows what he’s doing) and I was happy just keeping the texts light and flirty today. We’d arrange for him to come and build this bed for me on Friday but I’ve told him I’ll do it myself. He insisted but it doesn’t feel right. I’ve said to come here for lunch and some fun. I just feel like I was opening up and my walls were coming down and now they have slammed them right back up and double locked them and there is no reason why 😏 I literally can’t win at the minute

Any words of wisdom?

He’s literally just text to say he’s thinking of me and I make him smile :) Hed such a lovely guy. I wish my brain would just stop overthinking and making everything difficult

@LivingMyBestLife2020

Just go with it and enjoy. I'm an over thinker so I know what it's like. You are in control of this x

Is it anxiety @LivingMyBestLife2020? Everything your ex is doing sounds like it's got you off balance, it's no wonder you're unsettled and pulling back, but Mr T sounds lovely.