Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I find I think about Mr B a lot after he has gone. We don't see each other often and it doesn't feel enough and I'm often sad when it's time to say good bye. I think about him at random points at other times. If I'm anxious I will obsess. I think not thinking about someone all the time is quite healthy and shows you aren't anxious. I suppose there's a difference between being comfortable and being complacent. But being comfortable is a good thing.

@JaggySplinter if he's not going to be a longterm fixture, I wouldn't introduce him. It sounds like you could breezily pass him off as a friend and no-one need be any the wiser.
@Menora was it a nervous laugh? Were you unsure about how to respond? Is content enough for you? It sounds good, secure and happy, but speaking personally as someone who has had abusive relationships with a lot of dramatic lovebombing and trauma, I would be unsettled by a peaceful, content feeling, no matter how much I wanted it.

@WolfRun such a shame there was no spark, but onwards and upwards!

I have blocked the weird messaging guy. He used words like vignette and sequelae, and was throwing in very specific places as if he was expecting me to fact check what he was saying. Very odd. In the meantime I've had a very stilted conversation with Mr Garage, and we're going for a drink on Tuesday evening. I don't expect great things but it'll be good dating practice!

@frocksmock thank for your input. Hopefully it is going to be a long of term arrangement, just not a serious one if that makes sense.

Unfortunately my DD has been quizzing me tonight about it, and I'm now wondering if my ex came by on purpose to try to catch me out. My ex was apparently talking to them about dating this weekend 🙄 and I feel a bit like he was priming them to wonder why I had a friend over.

I think I'm going to stick with saying he's a friend, and being honest if they ask if he stays over or comes over when they aren't here.

@JaggySplinter, how old are your children?
Maybe just say as you did in your last post. You seem him they are with their dad so you don’t think there’s the need for them to meet him but they can if they want to?

@Menora i also agree that not having to worry is a lovely thing and you should enjoy this feeling. I've been lovebombed in the past and think I've normalised that somewhat so when it's not like that, I worry. I used to be afraid if they didn't profess their feelings early on, that they didn't care for me. But actually for me, those situations didn't end well for various reasons. With the person I'm currently seeing, he's much more chilled so im trying to enjoy the moment a bit more and accept his actions as signs rather than any words he may not be saying. He's completely right in the sense it's early days and we both need to discover each other more.

Well I think I must have done some damage with Mr T yesterday. He messaged in the afternoon and we exchange a few normal boring messages Then he stopped texting. I’ve just gone onto WhatsApp to text someone else and it’s on his chat, showing my last message as unread yesterday evening but he was last online at 2am. That’s just like he was in the beginning. But it’s fine. It’s the start of a new week. It’s my last week off before I go back to work and I have lots of jobs to do during my 3 childfree days :) so I’m going to concentrate on me and my life this week. He knows where Onam if he wants to see me.

Had a couple more messages from mt ex last night too. I’ve asked (reluctantly) the two people who could have told them and both said no. So it looks like he was bluffing. I’ve finally responded this morning to a text from him arranging to pick up our son on Wednesday but I’m done with my phone for today ;)

@LivingMyBestLife2020
Sorry to hear about Mr T, hopefully he is just busy.
If he was offended by anything you said as a joke then maybe you dont share the same humour and in a relationship thst doesnt always work.

My ex told me my best friend had told him i was dating someone, i knew she wouldnt as she's my best friend, she hates his guts and is never anywhere near where he goes but he was adamant.
What he didnt bank on was me telling her and her husband going absolutely spare at him.

When he eventually admitted lying he told me he did it as he had suspicions and thought i would admit it if i thought someone had told him.
In actual fact i had already told him i was hanging out with someone an hour or so before as he had asked who i spent my birthday with.
Controlling and abusive men will always be controlling and abusive.

My ex husband asked to be friends again this weekend, this is the man who put me through 17 years of emotional abuse and then when he found out i was hanging out with someone stole stuff from my house, stalked me, harassed me continually with messages, put a tracker in my car, slashed a tyre on new guys van and attempted suicide 3 times and messaged me numerous suicide threats.
I told him that with friends like him i wouldn't need enemies!!!

Definitely keep boundaries in place with your ex, just answer messages about your son and thats it as anything else will be seen as you being interested in him still and him having control over you.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I recommend turning off last seen. I did that on the recommendation of someone on this thread at the beginning of dating. And now it seems like such an intrusive thing to have on. I also turned off the blue ticks in the past.

Is grey rock your ex if he talks about anything other than arrangements for the kids.

@JaggySplinter how old are your kids as to me thats makes a big difference. I've been very honest with my kids since I started dating again. They don't see their dad so seeing a date overnight meant letting them know I wouldn't be home and agreeing with them if they would be home alone (together as teenagers, one was old enough to babysit) or stay with family. I didn't want to lie and say I was at a friends house as I wanted them to know where I was physically. So I was upfront about being on a date and that it was casual and they wouldn't meet him. Until something switched for me and it became a relationship.

notcool how old were your kids when you first left them overnight on their own?

@SortingItOut thank you. I agree with everything you’ve said. I m ok with the Mr T situation. I know he wasn’t busy as he’d said he was just home chilling. It’s not a bad thing to take a step back right now I don’t think. I’m comfortable with it. I’m not going to message him now, he can come to me :)

Ex has just text asking about son so I’ve sent him a brief reply. It’s just silly. Me dating isn’t a secret, neither is him. I mean, he did it all through our relationship! I think it’s just jealousy. He lives with a housemate who is quite anal about Covid and visitors so he can’t have women back there. He also has a bit on an issue with his manhood that he’s embarrassed about that. Whereas I have my own home and can do as I please :)

@JaggySplinter ah I've just seen all primary. No don't tell them and if they are dropped back off early (which is out of order in so many ways - how does the autistic one cope with that?) then he is a friend.

I'd also be having word with your ex about his contact time and boundaries. What if you were home. What would he do with the kids when he drops them round early? You are entitled to make plans during your child free time. What if had gone away?

@Notcoolmum thank you. It’s not something I ever check, it was just what I saw when I opened WhatsApp. I was more surprised he’d not read it rather than not replied.

Anyway, wish me luck. Today I have to collect and build a single bed then dismantle a toddler bed. It’s times like this I wish I had a man 😂

@bangheadhere40 I left the eldest with a friend until the early hours at about 15. Her friend was ultra sensible and her parents live round the corner and I checked they were OK and knew I was out until v late. But not with the youngest.

Left them both together after eldest was 16 and they both were adamant they didn't want to go to family. Made my life easier as I'd always drop the youngest off with family before that and then have to pick them up the next day. (3 years younger). Eldest is now an adult. So I just check the eldest will be home and both are happy with the arrangement (pre Covid!)

@LivingMyBestLife2020 he might have read the notification. I often do this and forget to open the message if I'm not going to reply. Good luck with bed assembly. You will feel awesome when it's done!

@JaggySplinter what if you weren't home that should have said!

[quote Notcoolmum]@LivingMyBestLife2020 he might have read the notification. I often do this and forget to open the message if I'm not going to reply. Good luck with bed assembly. You will feel awesome when it's done!

@JaggySplinter what if you weren't home that should have said! [/quote]
@Notcoolmum I do the same! That’s how I read my exes messages and easily ignore him 🤣😂

My terrific date during the week, who I both fancied and had a great conversation with, said she didn't see it as a romantic situation but we could be 'friends'. I had a 3rd date on the weekend with someone else where our schedules have been hard to line up and that too went the way of friends, due to the scheduling thing, so we will continue to do an activity we both like together.

Miss TerrificDate appears to mean it on the friends thing and if anything we have had more conversation post-date than before the date, at both a deeper and flirtier level. I'm not sure I can seal that one off in my mind as just friendship and of course while I would totally respect boundaries - I'm concerned about how that might make me feel in the longer term. What to do thread women ? Being friends fits in with my thoughts about dating (as schooled by @Menora) about taking things really slow and not building something on a house of cards. But you know, if I'm a friend, I'm a friend and I want to stick to that - I don't want her to mistrust me. She's had a difficult past, and expressed sentiments not unlike a few of you on here about trust. I think she's terrific and if we'd met outside of the dating context I'm dead sure we'd fall in together somehow - so much in common.

Also had a long phone conversation which came in the day or two after Miss TerrificDate had said she wasn't interested in further dates. She was someone else with common interests but she is not available to date for weeks so will call her Miss UnavailableForNow.

That’s a shame @HairyArsedMan. I guess it depends on how you feel about building a friendship with not potential for a relationship? Is she the kind of woman you want in your life as a friend?

My best friend is male. Known each other for 17 years. I’ve never felt anything other than friendship towards him until a few years ago when we took on a swim challenge together. I fell head over heels in love with him and we had a brief fling. Timings were not right on both sides so we decided our friendship was worth more and we continue to be the best of friends. I need this man in my life. He grounds me, builds me up, supports me through anything and everything. He is awesome and I know a romantic relationship would ruin that for us. What Imam getting at is that some people are just meant to be friends I guess.

So I caved big time! Came home from dropping son off to a string of messages from Mr T. He basically said he wasn’t put off Yesterday, more surprised I feel that way about him. He’s asked if I want to go to his for lunch today so he can reassure me in person as he knows he’s crap at texting. So lve said yes. Will report back later

I really think friendship is a lovely thing even if nothing romantic happens - but you can get hurt if you feel more for them than they do you. You have to go into it being able to accept that’s all they are currently offering, also know when it’s not working for you if you have deeper feelings for them or they are messing you around. One thing I wondered about Miss Terrific - it could be that once she asked for friendship, you accepted it, you became safer to her and she was able to open up. A lot of guys would go WTF and sod this off and you didn’t. You need to carry on dating though in the meantime and not put your hopes on her changing her mind. You don’t say if she elaborated - was this attraction for her? Or trust?

@HairyArsedMan From my end I wasn’t sure if I would be attracted to Mr R straight away (also had been hurt) so I asked for friendship first. I really needed time to let it grow a bit and I am glad I did. I really still feel like we have a brilliant friendship growing alongside the romantic side but even if it hadn’t have got romantic I think we would have been friends. Well I hope

Ok more weirdness from Mr M. Got a happy birthday message for me and now one for my DD! (Today is her birthday). We don’t speak otherwise why does he keep sending happy birthday messages 😂😂

Just a wee check in 👋🏻
Still on the smitten bench with Mr G (previously Mr Farmer)
It's not all been smooth sailing, there's still a few issues but on the whole I'm very content, I really enjoy his company and I have some feels on the go 💕

Not long back from a lovely night with Mr Blue eyes- definitely feeling a more intense connection with him now - verging on smitten but I’m ignoring that thought as it’s early days and it’s probably lust talking

We won’t see each other for over 2 weeks now and I’m actually counting down the days already!

Only black cloud is ex continually declaring how much he loves me at every opportunity but I am keeping my distance and avoiding conversation with him unless it’s about the kids. I wish he would just leave me alone.

@Menora
He's clearly hoping a message from him will give you fanny flutters and you'll go running back because you've realised that he wasnt that bad after all!!!

Can I get a bit of advice about giving someone space please?

I know this will make me sound naive but I genuinely don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want to be with me.

We met OLD in March just as lockdown was announced, have been in contact daily since then but only be on a few dates because of all the restrictions. A couple of weeks ago he asked me for space, genuine reason it’s not a brush off (mental health, work stress, needing to take time off for stress etc). His last text to me said he didn’t mean for me to not totally stop texting he’s just be quiet while he’s trying to get his head straight. I left it a week and sent a text just checking in,
Asked if he was ok. He hasn’t read it and hasn’t replied. That was on Friday. Do I assume he’s changed his mind and doesn’t want to carry on dating? Or would he just want more time?

Everything was really good, we had loads in common, talked all the time, had the same values etc. I really feel like, as much as I know him, he would tell me if he’d changed his mind so I’m leaning towards him struggling and needing more time. But don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself by thinking that?