Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@frocksmock just caught up on your last post. You could always say something like, 'i used to know someone who lives where you are' and ask a question from that?? Or, of course, the best thing really to do is arrange to meet up! Then you'll certainly know!!

@HalfDutchGirl thank you. I’m over it now. It was probably the smack back down to Earth I needed actually. I have been day dreaming a bit this week. I think I’ve taken our joking and light hearted conversations to far (even though he started most of them) so I’m going to pull it back a bit now and chill.

With regards to ex, he’s an absolute arsehole. He emotionally cheated throughout our whole relationship. He tried a few times to physically cheat but he chose old FWB who knew about me and shut him down. He thinks I love him still even though I really don’t and I’ve never showed anything but contempt from him. The texts are things like “so who do you think told me? Do you think you can trust x still 😉” “I guess you have someone to build trampolines for you now 🤣” “I hope he’s been tested for Covid 🙄”
He is coming across as very jealous and I want to tell him so (with lots of emojis like he does 😂😬😉😳🤣) but I know ignoring him will be more irritating to him.

I think I might turn my phone off for the rest of the afternoon

@LivingMyBestLife2020 attention is like oxygen to men like that. It will probably upset him far more to be ignored than to respond. Enjoy your afternoon!

@HalfDutchGirl I think that's what I'll do! Let's see how he responds....

So all you wise daters who have been here before me - how do you go about introducing a BF to your friends and possibly children?

My exH brought the DC over 2 days early this weekend, do my BF was here and I wasn't expecting the DC back. We managed to avoid a inconvenient and unplanned meet up, but now realize that we need to do something.

I was very happy with having things separate, but that's clearly not going to work forever. I think I'm a bit freaked out because I'm over thinking things. We have been together 11 months, I like him enough to still want to see him and really look forward to our time together. But he's not "the one" or "the love of my life", nor do I have any type of soul-mate visions or even particular plans for this to be more than just a fun relationship for me/us. He feels the same, isn't really bothered about kids and has no desire to step-parent or do anything committed like move in together.

So, my real question is, how do I go forward? Should I introduce him to my DC (all at primary, one is autistic) and just say he's my friend and they might see him with me but he wouldn't be around when they are? What about friends. I'm not imagining a situation in which we socialize frequently with friends in the future either.

Or is all this a bad sign, and as I'm not head over heels or very invested, should I just move on?

@frocksmock - I'd definitely try to bring up the odd message style. TBH, that alone would probably have put me off someone if they didn't have a reason like it being a second language. It seems a bit pretentious to talk or message in that style.

Oh, and I should have explained that I've missed a few threads and name changed, but was here last year learning from you all, so a big 👋 to anyone who is still here!

@JaggySplinter
If he is not the one do you need to introduce him to your kids at all?

I think it could complicate things for them.

As for friends, if you dont need to socialise together then I wouldn't worry about introducing him to anyone.
If you were both invited to a BBQ or something then that is different but why would you go out of your way to introduce him when its just a fun relationship?

I've been with the guy I'm seeing 10 months and he has just met my best friend at a BBQ she held.
We were FWB before we became exclusive a month ago so now seemed the right time.

I wouldn’t introduce them if there is no reason to!
It’s ok to say to your DC you are dating or seeing friends (depend on their age) but I wouldn’t worry for now if this is a ‘fun for now’ situation.
You only need to end it if you are unhappy. If you are both happy with the way things are then carry on?

Back from my date. Pleasant enough guy but no spark then got grumpy because I didn't want a second date (delete and block).

@Menora @SortingItOut thanks.

I'm worried about my DC just finding out because my ex brings them around unexpectedly (like this weekend) or we bump into them somewhere out and about. I don't want them to find out I have a BF that way.

I think you're right, I can just tell them that I have friends over at the weekend when they are with their Dad. And as for meeting friends, I'll see if anything comes up but I guess with Covid-19 it probably won't.

@WolfRun sorry there wasn't any spark.

@WolfRun that's a shame, but you now know so you can move on to the next one.

@JaggySplinter I agree with Menora and Sorting, and think you referring to him as a friend to your DC is the best option. Otherwise it just gets all complicated.

Off on my date with Mr Blast in a mo (very nervous!), like flipping buses though I've just got a text through from Mr M saying he's home from hols and looks forward to seeing me again soon! I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and remember your wise advice of just taking it one date at a time.

@SeboCat it sounds like it's stopped being fun. I would certainly proceed with caution.

Same to you, @frocksmock. Those texts sound super weird and catfishy

I’ve kind of got an update about Mr R. I met his friends this weekend which was lovely. Brought us closer together too. I had a horrible heavy painful period this weekend and he was kind, respectful and understanding - no pressure for anything more than a cuddle. Helped me out and when I needed things!

He dropped the L bomb with a misty eye late at night - and my default was I wanted to laugh! Not in a terrible way but it was really sweet, I don’t know why I found it funny. I didn’t laugh in his actual face thankfully. I think he really hasn’t been happy for a long time so can be overwhelmed by his feelings. He didn’t ask me or expect to say it back, I was half asleep he said he just wanted me to know what he thinks of me and the level of where he is at. When I am with him I feel the same I think, or I am getting there at least.

This is the part where I have a question. When he is not here, or I am not seeing him I don’t feel like I madly miss him or think about him all the time (i do but not all day long) is this a bad thing? I just feel content. I don’t feel like madly crazy. I am just used to mad crazy things. So for me this is like a constant contentness and I worry I am mistaking it with complacency and not as strong feelings as him? How do you know the difference?

Menora personally that sounds healthy to me - you're him (possibly love) but he shouldn't fill every waking thought for that to be the case

*you like him

menora I think not being anxious is great sign. We sometimes confuse chemistry with anxiousness. In reality not having to worry is great. Being complacent is being secure, I think.

How long has it been @Menora ? Are you ready for the L bomb?

So we met in Jan, chatted for a while but didn’t meet. I met Mr M. Then in early April started talking again. Met in May and dating properly after that. We haven’t really had massive ‘where are we going’ chats more ‘this feels nice let’s enjoy it’

He’s had 3 relationships including me so I am way way more jaded than he is in life 😂

I don’t think I am not ready for the L bomb, but why did I laugh!

I can laugh if something shocks me. How do you feel about it now you've had some time to reflect?

I didn’t think too much into it as I’ve been really busy but now I have more time I had the following thoughts

1. I am really happy he is happy. I like making him happy and he makes me feel happy
2. He is so bloody sweet and lovely
3. I wouldn’t want to not be with him. I think I could take him for granted if I wasn’t careful so I need to be aware of that
4. I hate the idea of him being hurt or sad, I think I feel protective
5. I’ve had a really messy past and maybe just need more time

I don't think there is anything wrong with not thinking about him all the time, menora.

I'm with someone 10 months and am mad about him but certainly don't think about him all the time. I do find that when I do think about him it's a really lovely feeling that lingers for a while and then I'm off to do something. I've two jobs so am usually busy. I think also when you are in a healthy relationship the overthinking and anxiety doesn't exist so you are at ease with knowing they are there even if you don't think about them

Re the laughing, it could just be the response of being surprised. Maybe?

That sounds like a pretty solid place to be in @Menora and if I can say, so much healthier than the other relationships you have posted about on here. Sounds really promising for the start of a relationship.

@Menora I think this sounds all really healthy and much more so that post you were making six months ago. You don't need to have massive chats about where things are going. Just take it as it comes, and enjoy feeling happy, content and relaxed.