Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I was going on a date tonight, then i felt so sad thinking about my ex and his new partner I just couldn’t go. I have no trust

@Lacey2019 oh Lacey, I’m sorry to hear that. Have a hug from me

I’ve tried so hard to move on and I’d met someone so lovely. But it’s like my mum said tonight To me, I have no trust after my ex.

5 years, a house and engagement later and he’s with someone all in after 4 weeks, looking to move to Dubai for her

Thank you all. It takes time I know.
Lacey I'm so sorry to hear that.. His loss.. Although it may not feel like it and I can't quite believe anyone's decent.. Time hey.. Hugs

Oh @Lacey2019 that's so hurtful

@Lacey2019 that is awful. I’m one to not follow my advice but I’m trying. My ex was/is a narcissist and he made my life hell for a long time. He emotionally cheated a lot and tried (and failed) to physically cheat, then put all the blame on me. He still does actually! (We have a child or id have blocked him)

What I’m getting at is I don’t think I can ever trust again either but my new guy is just that, a new guy. He’s given me no reason not to trust him and I’m doing my best not to tar him with the same brush as my ex. It is really hard though

@Lacey2019, how long ago did you and your partner split up ? It must be very , very difficult hearing that he appears to have moved on so quickly. Your confidence and trust must definitely have been affected.
Time to be kind to yourself and take some time to focus on you. It's going to be a process, almost like grieving for the loss of what you thought your future was.

Hello @Onesmallstep67 it’s been almost a year! Which is what makes me feel stupid. I moved out last November but we’ve had contact here and there. He goes from it’s a mistake, you’re the love of my life, to I’m so happy. When i said I was going to change my number he told me I was giving him an ultimatium if he ever wanted to talk to me again, which I wasn’t. It’s the lies that I can’t get past. I can’t get past how he was with another person - but could sit opposite me and tell me he’s been dating but that’s it, that me and him should be able to do coffee dates and spend time together. It just makes me feel so awful in myself as this girl he met so soon, and rightly so pushed me completely away, but hasn’t in their 9 months had any pictures or anything of their holidays as according to him he doesn’t want to upset me (he told me he went on holiday with friends even though he didn’t...and denied he did with this girl). I just don’t think after 5 years with him, I can do it again

I need a talking to

I am self sabotaging things with MrL and I can't seem to stop myself.
I struggle with intimacy on an emotional level, I find it very difficult to allow myself to need or rely upon anyone (especially a man).
I am aware that I exhibit the same pattern of behaviour- start to get close and then push them away indirectly. I know the reasons at least and it's work in progress.

Today I've pushed him away, I could have really done with some support but instead I told myself that I could/should deal with today's stresses by myself- because that's what I've always had to do. This has upset MrL. He has acknowledged that it's a bit of an ego thing for him and wanting to be wanted/needed but also he is THE most selfless, kind, caring and warm hearted man I have ever met...but I just pushed him away further and now I think I may have totally f*cked things up with him.
He hasn't responded to my last message which is not like him.
Not really sure what I'm expecting by posting but just had to vent at my own shit show.

@30somethingandstillsingle

I’m technically not on this thread - but why are you thinking your personality is “wrong” because of a bloke you’ve been dating a month or so?

I mean if you’ve slashed his tyres or are hurling insults at his looks then probably you might want to look at changing yourself.

But saying “I’m a little bit stressed and need a bit of space to process X private thing” to someone you don’t know that well (romantic or friends or work) is just common sense?

You don’t need to tell him every last detail about yourself just because it makes him feel better I presume you’re physically intimate, communicating, what’s his problem?

I’m a little bit awkward and autistic and although I’m 35 I’d say I missed out on a lot of formative socialising due to early family trauma.

In my 20’s I’d get targeted by dates and friends who (knowing my past and picking up I was insecure about my own intuition) would comment on how “weird” I was or how I “should” be behaving in a certain way.

I “should” be confiding all my issues to them so they could “advise” me as I “needed help”

Looking back, I was perfectly fine and had good boundaries and they simply didn’t have my best interests at heart?

They’d want me to tell them everything about myself in order to be controlling.

Sorry for the “me-railing” - I hope it’s just a minor thing and I’m being paranoid and it goes fine.

But surely HE should be saying “ok, I’m here if you need me.” and stepping back a bit rather than making your stress about comforting him?

Spacegirl this is why best to meet - people are sometimes very different in person to how they portray themselves in messages

Lacey give yourself time. 5 years is a long time and you may think now that you won't be able to move on but you will. I did 21 years with someone I considered to be the love of my life before he cheated and left me for the mistress. I thought id never be able to move on. I took 2 years out to process and deal with it and started dating a year ago. I dont know if ill ever find what I had again - albeit I don't want like for like as he was a cheat - but I'm open to trying now

And my update - had 3rd date with MrRednap and still no kiss but circumstances meant it wasn't possible. We have a lovely time together, he makes me laugh loads and I enjoy his company. But I hate not knowing if he actually fancies me so I replied to his lovely evening text apologising for literally having to run off and said I was hoping to have had a kiss tonight. He replied that we will definitely have to arrange date 4 then. I said that would be nice and said dont worry I won't jump you or anything and he replied oh dam, you have my word I would not complain so it seems he does like me that way which is a relief to know. So going to play by ear and see where this leads. I have no idea if anything can come of it because of our circumstances (we are both the full time parents) but I like him enough to see

That’s great @Slothmomma . Very romantic! He sounds lovely.

Hello! I've been occasionally doing a bit of browsing on one of the apps. Lots of swiping left, lots of deleting, lots of getting fed up of men turning gross and more deleting and I am currently down to one guy I am talking to. He's not my usual type but writes in full sentences, asks questions and so far has been polite so we have our first date today!
We are just meeting for a coffee / walk / chat type thing. I'm actually feeling a bit nervous as I hate that initial awkward bit where you have to go up to a stranger and nobody is feeling particularly comfortable.
Wish me luck!

Good luck @WolfRun. I'm sure once you are actually in his company you will be fine. That initial moment of meeting is always a bit nerve racking. Hopefully you will put each other at ease. I'll be looking out for the update later !

Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine, it's just my anxiety making me feel worse than the situation actually is.
I've managed to check him out on Facebook so he is who he says he is and he's already been in contact this morning to make sure we're still on so I get the feeling he is a good, genuine guy. Fingers crossed there is a spark there!

@Slothmomma that sounds refreshingly respectful and very sweet!
@spacegirl295 what a sleaze! Just as well to find out sooner rather than later. Next!
@WolfRun I find that if I'm focused on how nervous he might be and how I can make him feel comfortable it helps me feel less anxious. I hope there's as a spark as he sounds promising.
I'm back to swiping and chatting. I have an iron but he has a very peculiar writing style, for example "can you tell me how you became involved in this important concept please". I want to ask if English is his first language, but he's told me he grew up on the Isle of Man and it seems rude. None of his photos come up on a reverse image search and there's nothing else to make me suspicious, he's keen to meet, but his way with words is....odd.

"One day I would prefer to ask your motivation in person, then I can ask things, creating interaction."

Is that a person with autism speaking, someone who has English as a second language, a catfish, or just someone with an interestingwriting style?!

Morning all! I’m looking forward to all the date updates later on. I need some distractions from life today!

I think I may have made a bit of a boo boo and pushed a conversation too far with Mr T. Completely in a joking fashion and he replied “Im assuming that’s light hearted” but I think I’ve been put in my place 🙄 I’m so crap at dating! Thankfully he out all day on his bike so I can just crawl under my rock and cringe without speaking to him.

In other news, my ex has somehow found out about Mr T and he’s not happy about it (I know it’s non of his business but he’s a narcissist, we have a son together so he thinks he owns me) He said it was from a reliable source, but I have only told my mum so I think he’s bluffing me? Or my sister has spoken to mum and somehow told him (I wouldn’t put it past her actually but would hope for better) Ex was here to see our son yesterday so he could have looked at my phone but again, it’s passcode secured s Either way, I’m feeling a bit violated today. I responded to his first message to say he could talk to me about it rather than kick off) but have ignored his string of messages since. He’s in full on narcissistic mode so I’ve set his WhatsApp to ignore as I know he’ll be messaging all day now.

So that, combined with my cock up with T and a sleepless night as toddler has been up all night, I’m feeling pretty crappy today 😞

@frocksmock I once spoke to a guy who was profoundly deaf and I felt his writing style was a bit off and almost asked if english was his 1st language. I googled and found that it might come across that way if hes used to sign language. could it be something like that?

@frocksmock could you just say something like “I’m really loving your writing style, it’s unusual” and see if he comes back with any answer?

@frocksmock, I would proceed with caution. I have dismissed guys who write like that in the past as definitely catfish. Try asking him something that he can't fudge an answer to. Is he meant to be local ?

Frocksmock comes across as English being second language to me.

Newbie to this thread, been around MN for donkey's years.

I got out of a relationship with an abusive husband 8 years ago. I am finally ready to date again (now he's stfu).

I've been on dating apps since May.

I have spoken seriously to 3 different men, as in long conversations and talking about taking things seriously. Met with none.

1. Mr Wanker. Literally that was all he did everyday, but lives 30 min away and could be sweet and funny between his wanking times. I know, I know, but you know, having come from an abusive relationship, he was otherwise nice. Never met with him. Stopped talkign to him because of the wanking...I know, the shock.

Mr Gorgeous - says it all. We were all set to meet up to see how things went, however I got cold feet. He was also quite depressed and I didn't feel we had enough in common to stay together long term. Kicking myself now as I could at least have had a shag with him. Did I mention no sex in 8 years? So dumped him out of the blue. He was a really good texter aswell, funny, respectful, sweet. Still feel guilty about dumping him. Finally Mr Intellectual. I'm 42, he's 32. He was the one I really dumped the other two for (I know I say dumped like we are in a relationship, I have never physically met with any of them, but I have felt so close to them at times?). He is sweet, but intellectual. Conversations are high brow! Sometimes a bit of chat and we are now, after 2 months of chatting moving onto joking with one another and a bit of sexy banter. He is very respectful (in most ways) and is fully on board with me being a mum and that I need to prioritise the children. He spent a month of the time we have spoken in his home country as his father had died. He got back this saturday. Keen to meet me asap. I said I would rather wait 14 days. He was perfectly happy to agree to that. Since he has got back he has been out of contact on his phone for four 24/36 hour periods. No messages, nothing. He has said he has helped a friend move house. On Friday he seems to think I live in the same city as him. I point out no, as I said on my profile its in this village 50 minutes away. Then he says 'did you know that when I came back I had to move to X city?'. Which is not 50 minutes from me, but 1 hour 45 minutes from me. I don't get help from the ex with the children. 1 old enough to stay home alone. Youngest is okay with oldest alone for an hour. Ex is a chocolate fireguard. So I get no free overnights and only 6.5 hours to see someone once a week. I told Mr Intellectual all this. If Mr Intellectual cannot communicate 'I will probably be out of contact for a day or two (apparently no wifi and no data, what about text messages???). Or communicate a pretty big change such as 'oh by the way I am moving. By the way its to X city'. He's just taking the proverbial isn't he? He has said he will come to me to see me. But for all his talk about how important communication is...fucking hell he's shite at it.

Really sorry for the very long ramble. I'm just fucked off and want to know if my experience is unique or this is perfectly normal?

Do I hold on to see him this Saturday when the 14 day quarantine is over (but he has been moving house with friend so did he socially distance, and he slept over?). Or do I just stop wasting my time?

I don't know. But I do know I am so fucked off with him after this last 32 hour period of time I will say something I may regret later. I feel like my communication skills should be better...

Thank you for reading if you got this far!!

@Onesmallstep67 yes, supposedly local and so far everything he has said that relates to his area checks out, but of course it could be down to the magic of Google! I'm not quite sure what to ask that he can't wriggle out of, without being blunt!
@crazycatlady20 no evidence of hearing aids or cochlear implants from the pictures. It's a strange one, so I'm proceeding with caution!

Don't come on here for a morning and so much to catch up on!

@frocksmock have to be honest that writing style would scream 'foreign catfish' to me but I may be wrong. Definitely ask him something that he would only know if he did live in the UK/locally. I've caught out many a catfish doing that.

@WolfRun enjoy your date today, I know it's difficult to be nervous but like a PP said, he's probably nervous too and it's only the first minute or two that (hopefully!) are the worst - let us know how it goes!

@LivingMyBestLife2020 blimey your ex sounds like a right shit! how date he make comments on what you're doing with your life now. Sorry you feel you made a cock up with Mr T, I'm sure you're probably overthinking it (easy for me to say I know!) and, being a guy, he'll not doubt have totally forgotten all about it when you speak next. Can understand you having a sleepless night though. I felt a right idiot last night when texting Mr Blast, sent a text and missed out a very important word which changed the whole context and I convinced myself he'd then think I was some kind of crazed psycho stalker!! It's so easily done!

@SeboCat communication via messaging is crap at times and everybody sees it differently. Having said that, it does sound a bit off that Mr Intellectual is a bit flaky and I'd be hacked off. Wonder if maybe he's not single? If I were you I'd probably see him Saturday as long as he makes the journey to come and see you? You've nothing to lose. You haven't actually met the guy yet but I know how easy it is to start having 'feelings' for someone with out that. Good luck!