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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

999 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 28/07/2020 10:35

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

OP posts:
Slothmomma · 01/08/2020 09:56

Spacegirl I agree with others. Mr northern is just using you as wank bank fodder. Hes telling you not to get attached and showing you in his actions. Ditch him.

Mr local sounds lovely. Dont see him living at home an issue whilst he's at uni and young. And he was going to try and get his licence so shows intention. He certainly seems to be treating you much better than the other

Notcoolmum · 01/08/2020 10:39

@spacegirl295 stop talking to Mr Northern. He's not real. If you are at uni don't you meet people in real life? Mr Local sounds nice. Have you met?

spacegirl295 · 01/08/2020 10:56

Thank you everyone for your replies!

Sorry think I didn't word it very well, I'm not at uni and live by myself whereas he has been to uni and is back with his parents for summer but is going back to a different uni in September for his masters. I work full time working shifts so don't really meet many people in real life, I don't drink so don't really go out which is where most people my age meet people.

I've messaged Mr Northern to say I don't think it's going to work and he's replied saying he's devastated because he's never spoken to anyone who turns him on as much as me which has just proved my point entirely.

Mr Local has asked if I'd like to meet him for a walk in the local area this evening which I'm tempted to go along with and give him a chance.

Slothmomma · 01/08/2020 11:10

Do it spacegirl. You won't know whether you click in person unless you meet

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 01/08/2020 11:59

@spacegirl295 block and delete Mr Northern, he’s a user and not real. Don’t even give him the benefit of a text explaining.

Mr Local, go for it! He sounds lovely! Absolutely meet him for a walk this evening. From age and experience, steer clear of anybody who just wants sex (unless that’s what you are looking for obviously) it’s not a great start. Respect yourself, have clear boundaries and listen tour gut. Remember, it’s not real until it’s real.

Keep us updated!

Notcoolmum · 01/08/2020 12:45

Mr northern sounds very grim.

bangheadhere40 · 01/08/2020 17:35

Had my 3rd date with Mr Funny this afternoon. We still haven't kissed, but always hug goodbye etc..there wasn't really the opportunity today anyway.

He's really nice thus far, keeping my eyes open for red flags but can't see any.

HGKPG · 01/08/2020 17:47

I'm feeling so low tonight. Had been with someone for 3.5yrs..all amazing but some red flags, that honestly werent a deal breaker until I started realising something wasn't quite right and he behaved differently.
I'm pretty sure he's got trauma due to his past and anything to do with us started off a trail of silence.. He'd message the next day like we'd never discussed anything. I eventually snapped, ended it and he replied casually saying he was sorry I felt that way.. He loves me, feels lost without me etc.. Totally head messing and I'm not coping very well at all.
We were so good together. I've never felt so compatible with someone. Feels so odd to not be able to message him.
Anyway sorry to go on. A close friend of mines on a date tonight. First one in 5 years.. I'm SO happy for her.. But ant help but feel sad and anxious that I will in time have to go down that route again. I see and hear such stories that put me off as they won't be like my ex.. Such a horrible feelingSad

Lacey2019 · 01/08/2020 18:03

Dating is crazy. It’s a total pool of not knowing.

Here’s a question, what’s the difference between dating and being in a relationship!?

My friend goes on holiday with a girl, his family and friends know about her, but no trace online and they are ‘dating’

HalfDutchGirl · 01/08/2020 18:24

@spacegirl295 I’m with the others, Mr Local sounds great, meet up with him as soon as you can and here’s hoping! Well done for binning Mr Northern!

@bangheadhere40 all sounds very promising, have you fixed a fourth date?

happylittletree · 01/08/2020 18:26

@spacegirl295 that's grim. You're definitely better off without Mr Northern.

Mr LL has texted to say what a nice time he had. It all seems so open and honest so far. I actually think my biggest problem is that I'm terrified of getting into any kind of relationship with anyone. I feel totally unsuited to emotional or physical intimacy after my nightmare marriage.

happylittletree · 01/08/2020 18:30

@HGKPG it's difficult going through a breakupSad

I understand those feelings very well, but it has to be better to be alone than to be with someone who is unable to give you the kind of relationship you need. Maybe it's for the best if you meet someone who is not like your ex!

HalfDutchGirl · 01/08/2020 18:41

@Bunkbedpeople it does get so emotionally overwhelming at times doesn’t it, take some time out and enjoy having ‘you’ time, we’ll still be here when you come back Flowers

@LivingMyBestLife2020 Mr T sounds fab and I’m so pleased you had a great evening. As for the paying the bill at a date, I always offer to pay half or, we take it in turns. But if they insist then that’s fine!

So, fingers and toes crossed I’ve a date with Mr Blast (my very unexpected blast from the past which I’m still trying to get my head around!) tomorrow night! I’m incredibly excited and trying very very hard not to overinvest/overthink!! I sway between being cooled and chilled, to sick with excitement and then panicking he wont like me!! We have messaged a ridiculously huge amount of times since matching and realising our history but I’m trying to keep my head straight (apologies in advance for any going into meltdown posts tomorrow!).

The great thing is that this has taken my mind totally off Mr M! He’s away at the mo and all being well (taking Mr Blast out of the equation!) I’ll see him again next week. At the mo I know he’s chilled with us just seeing each other occasionally.

To complicate matters I’ve also got Mr C on the back burner! A very confusing thing with him, I know him from years back, we reconnected last year and met up in December which was total chemistry. However, long distance, lockdown, health issues (his) and problematic personal circumstances have meant we haven’t been able to meet up since then. We have text contact everyday and talk on the phone most days, but, sensible head knows that this is never really going to go anywhere even though we have got an amazing connection.

Not really asking for any advice but thought I’d fill you in on my complicated and overthinking dating (not dating) life!! Any advice you do have of course is always appreciated!

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 01/08/2020 18:53

@Lacey2019

Dating is crazy. It’s a total pool of not knowing.

Here’s a question, what’s the difference between dating and being in a relationship!?

My friend goes on holiday with a girl, his family and friends know about her, but no trace online and they are ‘dating’

@Lacey2019 That is a good question and something I wondered. Unless you sit down and say “this is now a relationship” how do you know?
Onesmallstep67 · 01/08/2020 18:58

@HalfDutchGirl, when I have been in your position in the past, most of the options found their own resolution. So I suggest you take things one date at a time with each iron and then depending on how you feel about them or how they respond to you, you can progress things with the one that fits best.

bangheadhere40 · 01/08/2020 19:05

halfdutch...yes, we are going out for a meal during the week.i find him reliable which is nice for a change!

bangheadhere40 · 01/08/2020 19:06

I don't know how you know if it's a relationship...and if you are exclusively dating isn't that the same thing anyway? 😃

spacegirl295 · 01/08/2020 19:07

Thanks everyone! I'm waiting for him at a park near us now 😬😬

bangheadhere40 · 01/08/2020 19:27

Good luck space 🤞

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 01/08/2020 19:52

@spacegirl295 have a great time! I’m looking forward to your update 😊

frocksmock · 01/08/2020 19:55

Hope it's going well @spacegirl295!
@HGKPG contemplating going back to dating is awful, isn't it. But well done for recognising that this relationship wasn't right for you. I know it's early days and very raw, but I hope that in time you're able to see that there will be other people out there who are a better fit than your ex. That's hard to do when you're still in the aftermath and I hope you're being very gentle on yourself.
@HalfDutchGirl I agree with the pp who said that time will work this out for you, but what a lovely position to be in!

spacegirl295 · 01/08/2020 20:32

okay so I've just had to get my friend to fake an emergency to get me out of there. I kinda had a bad gut feeling as soon as we met but I thought I was just being over nervous but then all he's talked about for the last hour is what if I'm transgender and he lifted up my dress and found a penis 🤯🤯 and talking about how he spends his free time thinking about "mashing his body with someone else's" 🤷🏼‍♀️ needless to say I'm on my way back and I won't be going back for date 2 😂😂

Lacey2019 · 01/08/2020 20:52

Oh my word😂😂😂 @spacegirl295

HalfDutchGirl · 01/08/2020 20:52

Thank you @frocksmock and @Onesmallstep67 you’re right, I’ll take this one step at a time.

OMG @spacegirl295 that sounds horrific! Glad you were able to make a hasty escape. So much for us thinking he sounded a decent guy! What a weirdo, hope you’re ok.

LivingMyBestLife2020 · 01/08/2020 21:07

@spacegirl295 wow! I’m glad you managed to get out of that one! Weirdo!