Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Thanks @HalfDutchGirl! Just got to not overthink and go with the flow!

@frocksmock

Thank you *@LivingMyBestLife2020* for the encouragement. He's just replied to my message saying he'd like to meet up again, so I feel really pleased, and he was more effusive than usual (which is still not very!) but I'm going to carry on assuming friendship for now. He did send a kiss emoji though!

The signs are good with Mr T - it's so encouraging that you've got similar life goals and that he's keen to see you tonight. I'm excited for you!

@frocksmock Even I don’t get kiss emojis! 🤣

@frocksmock sounds like a lovely afternoon but if he's never had a serious relationship into his mid 40s I'd be quite wary. There must be a reason for it. Not that he's a bastard but perhaps he's an introvert or doesn't like to compromise. It's unusual!!

Wish I'd meet the men with lovely big houses. Mine is out of work living with a parent and it a lot to piss in!! 😂🙈

That was my ex @Notcoolmum! I knew Mr T lived in the area he does, which is a very nice area. As a single man with his own business he has obviously done very well for himself. He’s very modest but can’t deny his house is beautiful (well it could be with a woman’s touch 🤣😂)

Maybe I'm dating your ex @LivingMyBestLife2020 🙈😂

@Notcoolmum

Maybe I'm dating your ex *@LivingMyBestLife2020* 🙈😂

@Notcoolmum RUN, run a mile 🤣😂😂

@frocksmock my relationship with someone ended recently after 22 months. He's in his 50s and had never committed to anyone. He'd had girlfriends but never lived with them or wanted to settle down. We got on brilliantly. He was laid back and a lot of fun. We never stopped talking. However I thought I could change him and I couldn't. He's an avoidant. He had every reason under the sun why he couldn't commit and yet I was still hopeful he would. I'd be very wary of someone who's never committed by the time their get in to their 40s. I've read loads on the subject since he dumped me when I apparently wanted more than he could give me. Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl is good. Also google situationships. I realised this is exactly what I had. I've now ended up very hurt and wish I'd never dated him for so long.

@TomHardysBitontheside I've seen that book recommended before on the thread, I'll have a look for it. I appreciate the heads up, and I'm sorry you got hurt. I've never heard of situationships. I last dated in my 20s, and that was only for a short time before I was married, so it just feels like a minefield.

@frocksmock that's exactly the same as me. I got married in my late twenties and was with him for 20 years.
My problem is I see the good in everyone. And I think love can conquer all. Sadly life is not always like that. I've dated a bit since my ex-H left me, and then this was my longest relationship. Reading this thread has been an enormous help. There's some really good advice. At times I maybe didn't want to hear it. But one thing I have learnt is to be very aware of red flags. No matter how small.

Think I’m going to clear this current round of dates/chats/contacts then bench myself with you @Dancerinthemoonlight for a couple months now

Nothing overly negative has happened but feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed and want to concentrate on developing other areas of my life.

I’m introverted with slight anxiety issues so whilst I’m ok learning and negotiating the ups and downs of dating it’s quite internally draining for me

I’m also trying to cut down smartphone and internet use so all the swipey stuff isn’t helping! Books and yoga after 10pm

I’ve been wondering whether it’s possible to keep a “light presence” on the apps.

but the trouble is I think it’s easy to find a few new matches, you think ones exciting, then you’re organising a meet over the next two weeks whilst looking for red flags and picking a venue and and and.... it’s just quite exhausting!

Good luck to everyone and I’ll be back on this thread later this year

Wishing you well @Bunkbedpeople. Yoga after 10pm? It’s gin for me 😂

Wow. What an evening I have had! Mr T is just full of surprises!

He left about 11.30 and has just text to say what a lovely evening he’s had and put the kissing heart emoji. First time that has cropped up. I’m going to take that as a good sign

Just checking in. Had dinner with Mr LL. He tried to pay and I froze and insisted (though it was in his posh neighborhood and super expensive). I love spending time with him and it's interesting to see that we've always liked each other (?) He seems to recall a lot about me last time we hung out like 8 years ago.

We have totally opposite political views, but weirdly I like him so much, and respect his reasons for his views enough, that I don't mind.

He walked me to the tube and said we should see each other soon. I agreed and we parted ways.

This is all so strange. He's so large and I'm so averse to being involved with anyone.

@happylittletree that sounds like a lovely evening was had. Did he let you pay?

It just shows that what is on the inside is more important than the outside. I’d go with it and see what happens. Mr T isn’t my usual type and I probably wouldn’t have looked twice at him if I met in initially in real life but the attraction grows every time I see him. I found him nice looking the first time I met him but 3 months down the line and he is very attractive and sexy to me now. I can’t keep my hands off him!

A question to all. What are your thoughts on who pays on dates? I’ve always been a take it in turns kind of girl with first date split 50/50. Mr T likes to pay. He rarely lets me pay for anything which I cannot get used to. He comes to mine often and I cook and buy wine or I provide a picnic but when we are out he insists. I did manage to pay yesterday as it’s a local place to me and you order then sit down so I paid quickly before he realised. He’s a much higher earner than me but he’s far from flashy with it. He just says it makes him happy to pay as he enjoys treating me. My mum says I should keep offering but enjoy being treated. That really isn’t me! I’m not used to such nice treatment

@LivingMyBestLife2020 we haven't dined out yet but I prefer to go halves because the man I'm seeing doesn't have tons of money. We have done picnics and had takeout and shared the bill. I like a man to offer though and I'm sure in the future we will take it in turns to pay. I can't imagine the man always paying, it doesn't feel right.

[quote Eesha]@LivingMyBestLife2020 we haven't dined out yet but I prefer to go halves because the man I'm seeing doesn't have tons of money. We have done picnics and had takeout and shared the bill. I like a man to offer though and I'm sure in the future we will take it in turns to pay. I can't imagine the man always paying, it doesn't feel right.[/quote]
@Eesha I agree! It’s nice to be treated but I find it a bit uncomfortable and told him so. One place we went to was quite expensive too and he wouldn’t even accept my offer to buy the drinks.

I’m sure it will even out a bit eventually but until then I’ll continue to offer and insist 🤣

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I've found men in their 40s are really quite traditional and happy to pay. And I enjoy being treated. I've been a single parent for years and have v little spare cash. I tend to do rounds of drinks and taxis. Now Mr B and I are are settling into more of a relationship I suppose things will change. I'm very independent in other ways but dating showed me I had no problems with having a meal paid for.

@Notcoolmum he is 42 so that fits. I’m not complaining, it’s really nice. I think it’s just taking some getting used to being wined and dined!

I say enjoy it @LivingMyBestLife2020 and don't feel guilty. Buy a few rounds of drinks before/after dinner. Let him enjoy spoiling you.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 he let me pay, but reluctantly. He is also a much higher earner.

I actually love being taken out to dinner, but I feel the same conflict as you about it.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 a kiss emoji!! It all sounds so lovely. I understand wanting to pay your way and I'm like you, wanting to contribute whenever I can, but having been on dates where the man assertively demands 50% of every purchase, I'm always grateful for someone who is more generous spirited. When you're both giving freely within your own circumstances and ability, that seems like the perfect scenario to me.

@happylittletree are you looking forward to seeing him again?

Hi I hope it's okay to join in on here? Basically I'm kind of talking to two different people, we'll call one Mr Northern and one Mr Local.

The main issue with Mr Northern is that he's about 2.5 hours away from me and although we've spoken all day every day for almost a month he's still only really steering conversations in a sexual way. He does mention often that he can't wait to come and see me when all this covid stuff is over etc but he is also talking to other people and keeps telling me that I'm coming on too strong when I reply to him quickly (even though he does too). It worries me that he's very sexually driven because how could a long distance relationship work when that's all it's based off? I do really like him though, I get butterflies when his name comes up on my phone but im just not sure he feels anything for me at all other than I'm a bit of fun when he's in bed and needs entertaining. He keeps promising to video call or phone me but never does too.

The other is Mr Local and he lives about 5 minutes away from me. He's really really lovely and every time I've had a slight confidence crisis or anything he's reassured me constantly that I'm great and he really cares and wants to get to know me and see where it goes. Usually I'd never date anyone who's younger than me and still lives at home and doesn't drive (we're both very young but I have my own flat) but he is about 9 months younger than me and so is the academic year below me but he's also still at uni. He's home with his parents for the summer and is hopefully going back to a local uni in September for his masters and he doesn't drive although did have an intensive course booked this summer to learn (thanks covid!) and I don't know if those reasons are too shallow not to take it any further when he's so so so lovely. We've spoken on the phone and 4 hours went by in what felt like about half an hour and it's all so easy talking to him.

I can't stop thinking about Mr Northern but I'm not being stupid am I, that relationship could never work?! Dating is an absolute minefield...

Welcome space.

From what you have said I I wouldn't rule out Mr Local, as you are both young and at uni I don't think there's anything wrong with him being at home. Maybe he's sensible and trying to keep the bills down.

I would seriously advise against the other one who won't even pick up the phone and is keeping his options open.

@spacegirl295 you're worth far more than Mr Northern. He's enjoying the attention and offering you nothing. Mr Local sounds ambitious and lovely. More importantly he's kind to you.