Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

[quote SortingItOut]@Lacey2019
That is shit behaviour from your ex and to still want to be friends is beyond belief.
He wants to stay friends so that in his head he can justify that he hasnt hurt you becsuse you are still friends.

My ex lied all the time, not even necessarily big lies, sometimes it was the smallest lies but now i cant stand lying, even just little white lies are a huge no for me, there is just no need.

Also the word Sorry is a huge issue for me, my ex said it all the time when he was caught out and of course it meant nothing so now it triggers me completely.
Actions speak louder than words.[/quote]
Yes I agree, I hate lying too. It’s not acceptable and I have far more respect for people who speak up.

I agree, I’m not sure why he is wanting a door left open, so In his words he can reach out to check im ok. But at the moment, he thinks I like the sound of his voice and until he believes I don’t love him etc he can’t. I need to prepare myself to see a picture of this girl (he’s been with her 8 months now, been on holiday, there’s nothing anywhere, so in my opinion he doesn’t want to look like the bad man). He’s lied about her, told me he’ll never love anyone like me and then told my mum, when she asked for a letter from him, it was a shame I didn’t feel I could talk to him as it had been a long time....this is after he ghosted me when I asked why he’d be meeting me when he was with someone...

I don’t think he’ll ever give me answers sadly, which after 5 years with him, 3 and a half living together and an engagement isn’t easy

@TigerDater it comes from a place of low self esteem. From numerous failed relationships. To looking round at your friendship circle and wondering how everyone else manages to find a life partner and all you have is a string of breakups behind you. From seeing those who ended it with you or treated you badly move on to a happy relationship with someone else.

I agree it's not our value that's the issue. But how we value ourself. The things we overlook. The behaviour we accept. Pursuing a relationship that already isn't going to work. This is where Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl helped me. To see my role in my relationship failures. I'm going to reread this afternoon i think!

Because I'm pretty awesome. There are things I don't have. But I have a good job. Wonderful friends. A supportive family. I have looked after and financially supported by children through to late teens by myself for the past 14 years.

We need to see our strengths and not focus on our weaknesses.

@Notcoolmum I think that’s key: to validate ourselves, focus on what we are, what we do well, what we have, and forgive ourselves our failures rather than let them be used against us (by ourselves, more often than not).

No-one is perfect, but some are luckier than others. Three of my friends have awesome, passionate, authentic relationships that have endured nearly 40 years now. I totally celebrate these. The rest just make do and mend.

Thanks @frocksmock.

I think I've been incredibly brave already by even agreeing to be exclusive with someone in more of a relationship way, that was never the plan when i left my husband, i wanted to be single forever.

I thank god i left my husband before i reached 40 because i reckon i should have at least another 40 years to go and i intend to enjoy myself as much as possible with no one to hold me back.

Enjoy your date today

Such wise words.

it comes from a place of low self esteem. From numerous failed relationships. To looking round at your friendship circle and wondering how everyone else manages to find a life partner and all you have is a string of breakups behind you. From seeing those who ended it with you or treated you badly move on to a happy relationship with someone else

I agree it's not our value that's the issue. But how we value ourself. The things we overlook. The behaviour we accept. Pursuing a relationship that already isn't going to work

@TigerDater
I know exactly what you are saying but when you been ground down for years through abuse its really hard to stop thinking of yourself negatively.

Most of the time i think i am amazing and anyone would be lucky to have me but very occasionally i get that negative voice that tells me i am not worthy and new guy will just cheat on me.

I would never say this to him (although he knows i have trust issues and it will take a long time to trust him) because they are my own insecurities and i know I'm a massive overthinker.

Interestingly a lot of my negative thoughts happen when i have contact with my ex, even just collecting my daughter from his where i wait in the car outside is enough to trigger it, i dont even have to see him to feel like it.

I definitely need counselling because i hate being like this.

@frocksmock have a great non date today, I'm sure you'll look lovely, relax and have fun, look forward to hearing all about it.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 (have a fun time today!) and @Clovertoast oh I can so relate, so much has gone wrong in my past life that it seems like I'm forever waiting for the next disaster which takes the shine of the good things that are happening. Totally normal to wobble, it's whether we can unwobble ourselves that's important.

@Dancerinthemoonlight glad you're feeling a bit better today.

@SortingItOut yes, I realise it’s years of abuse (dating back to childhood for so many) that create/reinforce negativity and lack of self-esteem. Sorry if I come across as insensitive about it, I’m just trying to understand.

My 30 year relationship crashed and burned, and I was often neglected as a child, but on balance I wouldn’t say I was abused. Even so, I did find counselling and a massive amount of reflection just so helpful. Plus finding my inner anger and selfishness. ‘Nice girls come last’is my motto now!

Good luck to all who are struggling with the effect of past traumas on current relationships. It’s so hard to break the cycle.

Dancerinthemoonlight as the others have said, your deserve so much more than him. Take care of you.

Interesting chat re knowing worth etc. I try to convince myself that I'm a decent prospect for anyone - not bad looking (although a bit chubby at moment), nice home, good family and friends, fantastic kids, self sufficient etc but I think deep down my ex dh cheating on me after 2 decades together has really knocked my confidence. Not sure ill ever get that back despite what I try to tell myself.

Have 3rd date with my iron tomorrow. Just not sure whether he's that in to me. 2 dates so far and no more than a peck on the cheek. Not really flirty on message either despite my trying. Will see how it goes tomorrow but might have to write this one off

Its interesting to hear all these views. You always think it's just you thinking these thoughts but clearly not!

@Slothmomma I was on date 3 with Mr P and no kiss seemed forthcoming. In the end I instigated it. He asked me what I was thinking and I said " how much I'd like to kiss you " We've discussed it since and he said it was actually really refreshing that I did that as men worry about coming across too sleazy or pushy.

Clovertoast I'm not sure whether that's the case or hes just not that in to me 🤷‍♀️ he is newer to dating than me and has admitted that he had to have a drink before our first meet to help calm his nerves. However I want to be with someone that shows me that they want to be with me so we'll see

@frocksmock I hope you are having fun.
Meh what can I say about Mr Swan he's a very broken, unavailable human. We've been through many peaks and troughs. If I ever figure out the real true reason we aren't together I'll let you know.

He sent me a huge several paragraph heartfelt message this morning thanking me for my help last night. If I hadn't known him 18 months it would come across insincere, but I do know him and it's his way of showing he cares.

Whatever does or doesn't become of us - he soothes my soul and has set the bar for the kind of person I want to spend my time with.

@cravingthelook but isnt he dating other people? Or am I wrong ?
Why is he unavailable for you but no one else. I know you have strong feelings for him but please dont get used

@cravingthelook I think Mr Swan is being very unfair to you, he shouldn't be using you when you have feelings for him

I know

We are both dating

He's actually less available to his dates 😂

Hmmm but thats not nice either. He's not being fair to you or the women/woman he's dating. I'd be devastated if I found out the guy I was seeing was talking to another woman and bearing his soul for hours to her.
I'm not trying to be unkind it just feels like he gets his cake and eats it and all the women in his life are getting the crumbs....

I think the discussion about how to feel worthy of loving is interesting. I've worked really hard with therapy and self reflection to get to a better place mentally and emotionally. And I've done pretty well. But being in a new relationship is triggering all of my insecurities and it's oh so easy to let them spiral out of control. It's the lack of certainty and the decision about whether to trust somebody new with feeling vulnerable. And risking rejection. Communication is key I think, with the person you're seeing, and I find mindfulness helpful when my head is spinning out. Accepting that I'm deeply sensitive and that's not a negative - but stepping away from my phone is probably the most helpful thing to do when my anxieties are unfounded!

Yes @Clovertoast and especially if it became clear that woman was in love with him.

I don't think it's a healthy dynamic because the feelings aren't equal. I don't think these things usually end well. Other than in rom coms

Spoken to Mr B. I think we are ok. One thing I really like is how we can talk things through. And I don't try and be cool or pretend I'm not upset etc.

Hi all. Lovely date with Mr T. He was actually pretty battered and subdued after his fall yesterday. He apologised, although I’m not sure why. He did perk up once we’d had some food and was more his cheeky self. We had a walk round this beautiful lake and then down this quiet track and stood on an isolated bridge next to a small waterfall. We talked and kissed a lot and he got a little bit frisky 😉 was tempting but I’m not one for being arrested for indecent acts in public 😂🤣 I didn’t know he had that kind of naughty behaviour in him, I like it 😉 I suggested he come over this evening to carry it on but im not sure he will.

We’d been joking about him setting up a silly business and as we were walking back there was a beautiful house with paddocks and I said it was exactly what I’d love. He said once his “business” is up and running he’d buy it for us and anything else I wanted. It’s obviously only lighthearted and jokey but it’s nice that he’s not scared to talk like that.

Driving home I mentioned looking at holidays for me and my son and it didn’t really go anywhere more than neither of us knowing where to go, so I’ll leave that one for now.

As ever, he makes me feel special and cared for whilst I am with him. So I’m going to try and hold on to that now and not let messaging make we doubt it. He said himself today that he finds it hard to convey emotion over text but he can in real life.

Please point me back to this thread in a couple of days when I’m wobbling!

I'm back from my (non) date, which lasted 3 hours and flew by! We had a lot of conversation about how terrified he is of being hurt and how difficult he finds it to open up to the possibility of a relationship, and he's never had a serious, longterm relationship which for a bloke in his mid 40s is probably a red flag? It was lovely, we laugh, we don't stop talking....but I didn't get any sign from him that it's more than friendship. It's a shame - I tend to attract the narcissistic types, the abusers and the ones that end up hurting me. Here's a lovely man with really good character traits, easy to be with, but he's not interested. Such is life, but some of the earlier posts about not feeling worthy of a decent partner, trying to move on from past abusive relationships really resonate. The nice men don't seem to want me, the abusers queue up for me - that's how it feels. I struggle sometimes to believe that one day it might be different. Anyway I've sent him an encouraging message that's light but makes it clear I'd happily meet again, and he's a lovely friend so nothing lost.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 that sounds so lovely! I'm so happy it went well! Some people just don't communication well by messaging. If he makes you feel special when you're together it's worth holding on to that and seeing where this goes.

Thanks @frocksmock. He’s said we are exclusive and I have no reason to doubt that. I’ve been to his house a few times. He moved in just before lockdown and he’s given me the grand tour. It’s a big house and beautiful house and there are definitely no signs of a wife living there 😂 He said he bought it with a hope he’ll expand into it in the future, so he’s definitely on the same page as me.

He’s Just started messaging now and it sounds like we are on for tonight.

I think you should definitely continue to build on the friendship. It may turn into a slow burner of a romance, but go into it as a friendship so not to be disappointed.

I wouldn’t think too much of someone that age without long term relationships under their belt. Mr T is a little like this. He’s had relationships but nothing serious. He says he just hasn’t met the right person yet and 2 relationships have ended due to the woman’s want of children and him either not being in the same place or not wanting children with that particular woman. It’s good that he opened up to you about it though.

Thank you @LivingMyBestLife2020 for the encouragement. He's just replied to my message saying he'd like to meet up again, so I feel really pleased, and he was more effusive than usual (which is still not very!) but I'm going to carry on assuming friendship for now. He did send a kiss emoji though!

The signs are good with Mr T - it's so encouraging that you've got similar life goals and that he's keen to see you tonight. I'm excited for you!

@cravingthelook I'm sure you know what you're doing but just take care of yourself. It sounds like there's huge potential for you to get hurt here.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 so pleased you had a great dates all sounds promising, have fun tonight

@frocksmock really pleased for you too! I think the message that he’d like to meet up again sound good, I agree with ‘Living’ maybe he’s just a really slow burn and if you carry on with having the “just friends” point of view who knows what might happen.