Dating Thread 192 - Rose tinted glasses need banning

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@daisymat, I’d absolutely ask to bring the chat forward. What’s the worst that can happen?

I used to be one for getting a feel for people via my as I’m quite shy, but it never paid off and I’d get over invested in something that didn’t exist. The last two I’ve met them pretty quickly. The first guy was great in person, met him the week before lockdown. Spent the whole of lockdown messaging and video chatting then he ghosted me once lockdown started to ease 🤣

My current guy I met within about 3 weeks. I was unsure on this one so fannied about a bit before deciding to bite the bullet. So far so good but I’m having tiny doubts creep in today but I think they are on me, not him.

Anyway, enough if my waffle, send him a text! Good luck!

@LivingMyBestLife2020
I know it can happen has has done before just circumstances weren't right

Good luck. Hope the wobble doesn't last long

Mainly placemarking.

Me and MrLegal are still going great, we spend a lot of time together. I'm getting the feels but he has a lot of drama in terms of his ex because of their fairly recent split. It really is the only negative I have found so far- it's a pretty big negative though.

@Dancerinthemoonlight always here, pick yourself up awesome lady - his loss.

@frocksmock when is your date/non date with Mr Cedar?

I had a non date video call with Mr Swan last night, I was pretty cool to start with but he was funny and playful and pulled me out of my negative mood. He told me a big deal from his past. We get emotionally closer every day.

Still feeling a bit wobbly today and no idea why! I had a terrible morning yesterday that just made the whole day rubbish. Not sure if that’s made me feel a bit off. I didn’t hear much from him yesterday as he’d gone on a long ride. We are out today so I’ll see how I feel.

Is it normal to have wobbles? It’s not him at all, it’s me being scared about getting feelings, being hurt etc.

Thanks for your advice about Mr P and his unhappiness about handing the dc back. We had a text chat about it last night and he explained a few things. Reiterated that he was more than excited about seeing me again after 2.5 weeks. We've also booked our own week away to Devon end of Aug.
I'm seeing him for the weekend, so I'm going to tentatively broach the fact I feel separate and see what happens.
I feel reassured though.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 I don't know if its normal but I feel that way all the time ! I feel anxious constantly and yet he does nothing to make me feel like that.
I'm constantly waiting for this to go wrong or for him to do something wrong. I think sometimes reading this board, even this thread makes you paranoid ?
I utterly sympathise.

Dating is a hard one. I’ve been going on some dates with a man I’ll call mr sporty (pe teacher!). He’s lovely, we talk for hours on end about anything and everything. He’s handsome and affectionate.

I just don’t know if I’m ready. My ex so badly hurt me, that I can’t trust anyone😔

Nice supportive thread. Just joining now

I wish I read this 20 years ago:

Don't try to talk things through when you see red flags, just block and move on and please trust your gut instinct you will know when something's off anyway

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Sorry to hear that Mr S has treated you so appallingly, you were always good enough, in fact you were probably too good for him.

I dont think what you asked for was anything out of the ordinary and most people would want the same.

I think he wanted to keep you a secret for whatever reason and he knew you werent happy about that but what a wanker to end it that way, just be an adult about things.

A break from OLD sounds like a great idea.

I hope you are being kind to yourself, eat lots of nice food, get outside and just be you

@Lacey2019

I like the sound of your new guy! Enjoy him!

[quote Anotherfreshstart]@Lacey2019

I like the sound of your new guy! Enjoy him![/quote]
Thank you @Anotherfreshstart he is very lovely. I just feel I’ll never trust a man again after my ex and how he treated me - but I can’t be alone forever!

@LivingMyBestLife2020, @Clovertoast
My worries over my guy went away Tuesday and Thursday night because i was with him and when we're together i feel like he is really in to me and he is just so lovely and tells me how great we are together bit those nights we arent together are what totally swing things the other way.

I think my issue is that I'm still the same person i was when i was married (same personality/same outlook on life/same looks) and my husband emotionally abused me and had emotional affairs for 17 years so if i wasnt good enough for him how am i good enough for new guy?

Deep down I know none of my marriage was my fault but on the surface you cant help but blame yourself.

New guy says I'm unlike anyone he's met before and he thinks I'm amazing but is he just saying that to keep me sweet.

God i hate this negativity around our relationship, I'm actually a really positive person normally but the anxiety around 'when will it go wrong' is overwhelming.

@Lacey2019
Come and join the Not Trusting Club, loads of us have been in the club, some have moved to the Trusting Club now but a few are still here.

Feel free to post for support whenever you need to, we dont always have the answers but you will get lots of great support and opinions.

Yes @SortingItOut thats how I feel. I'm fine when we are together but ridiculously anxious when were not.

@sorti

Morning everyone. Thank you for the kind words yesterday and this morning. I seem to have moved on from sadness to anger this morning.
I read up on love bombing last night and most of the cowards behaviour fitted it. I also watched a recent Matthew Hussey video on it which helped.
I'm going to still be around here but focus on applying for jobs and being selfish for at least the next 2 months. I know if I went back on the apps at the moment I would just be looking for validation that men do find me attractive and that I am good enough/worthy enough to be loved.

@SortingItOut
He sounds lovely & just what you deserve. The man im on dates with at the moment always says...see yourself as the prize, & you need to :-). I’m so sorry about your ex & sadly someone else is having to date him!.

thank you, that’s so lovely. My ex met someone 4 weeks after we split, 6 weeks on he was in Egypt and now he’s moving to Dubai for her. He met up with me after egypt and told me it was a weekend with lots of friends. He lied and lied about being with this person, even if I asked until March when he admitted to dating someone. He said it had only been a couple of dates, but it was going well. How easy someone can lie and then tell me I need to leave a door open for him and a friendship, I just don’t know

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Morning everyone. Thank you for the kind words yesterday and this morning. I seem to have moved on from sadness to anger this morning. I read up on love bombing last night and most of the cowards behaviour fitted it. I also watched a recent Matthew Hussey video on it which helped. I'm going to still be around here but focus on applying for jobs and being selfish for at least the next 2 months. I know if I went back on the apps at the moment I would just be looking for validation that men do find me attractive and that I am good enough/worthy enough to be loved.

The guy is a coward x

Definitely be selfish @Dancerinthemoonlight and well done for seeing that being ok the apps wouldn't be healthy for you. I'm not sure I'd be wise enough to make that choice.

I'm also in the not trusting camp. May have blown up Mr B and I because of it. But I'm ok on my own. I've been on my own for years. I'm independent and resilient. I need to remind myself of that.

@cravingthelook my date/non date is at lunchtime - I will update later! I'm wearing a lagenlook dress that is shapeless but should hide my stomach. It doesn't hide my awful arms, but we can't have everything. It's very hot today so I'm just hoping not to look a sweaty mess!
Why are you and Mr Swan not together romantically? Forgive me but I've missed the history.

@SortingItOut but he is just saying that to keep me sweet or he really believes it, and it's the voice of your ex still in your head that makes you doubt. Keep being brave, otherwise your ex will steal future happiness from you and he's already taken too much by the sound of it.

@Lacey2019
That is shit behaviour from your ex and to still want to be friends is beyond belief.
He wants to stay friends so that in his head he can justify that he hasnt hurt you becsuse you are still friends.

My ex lied all the time, not even necessarily big lies, sometimes it was the smallest lies but now i cant stand lying, even just little white lies are a huge no for me, there is just no need.

Also the word Sorry is a huge issue for me, my ex said it all the time when he was caught out and of course it meant nothing so now it triggers me completely.
Actions speak louder than words.

@Notcoolmum
Do you want to talk about whats happened?
Was you blowing up justified or could it have been dealt with in a different way?

I hope this isnt the end for you and Mr R but if it is you sound upbeat about the future with or without him.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I’m so sorry to hear that Mr S proved to be such a broken reed in the end. Disappointing but is it maybe easier to move on from someone who is just a bit pathetic?

I never understand this ‘I’m not worthy’ or ‘I wasn’t good enough’ thing that posters mention. Who wants to be good enough for someone who ghosts or has emotional affairs? I want to be completely out of their league! No way are they worthy of me. I might give myself a little bit of a beating for not seeing it or for giving the benefit of the doubt or for thinking with my fanny, but that’s it.

@SortingItOut this is absolutely me! I’m seeing him at 11 so I’m perking up now. Just painting my toe nails as he likes get! 😂
It’s like I see him, have a wonderful time, spend the next day on cloud nine and then start to worry, even though there is no need! It’s so frustrating! My ex was awful to me andI just expect all men to have the same traits as him which I know is unfair.

He told me this morning he came off his bike yesterday but he’s fine. I do worry anyway as he does 100s of miles of week but he said he rarely falls off. Hope he’s ok

[quote TigerDater]@Dancerinthemoonlight I’m so sorry to hear that Mr S proved to be such a broken reed in the end. Disappointing but is it maybe easier to move on from someone who is just a bit pathetic?

I never understand this ‘I’m not worthy’ or ‘I wasn’t good enough’ thing that posters mention. Who wants to be good enough for someone who ghosts or has emotional affairs? I want to be completely out of their league! No way are they worthy of me. I might give myself a little bit of a beating for not seeing it or for giving the benefit of the doubt or for thinking with my fanny, but that’s it.[/quote]
I agree. I used to think I wasn’t good enough for my ex. I now realise I was so far out of his league that he was couldn’t deal with the pressure 😂🤣