DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

Please LTB.

Call student services at the uni. They'll be able to direct and advise you on how to separate and perhaps one of you will need emergency accommodation due to the incident.

Also if not already done -he can then get a mental health referral and they'll support him with counselling etc. He can also see the disability service for reasonable adjustments as a result of his mental health condition. He'll need to provide evidence from gp proving diagnosis.

When I was a few years younger than you are now (I feel old saying that!) I got caught up in some horrid stuff like this and stayed. And stayed again and again. By the the time I finally left at 18 I was permanently marked. Physically and emotionally/mentally.

Just leave. Go against all your kind gentle instincts that want to stay and help. That feel like you need to reassure him and care. That's not your job, there are professionals for that. Good luck.

@unsure141 You are absolutely doing the right thing. Well done for having the courage and conviction to go. If you were my daughter I would be apoplectic with rage that anyone would treat you as your partner has and I would be doing what your dad is doing now- driving as many miles as it takes to come and get you and take you home.
Please do look into counselling- many NHS trusts operate self-referral so have a quick google and see what you area offers or what your Uni offers.
In 5 years time you'll look back and realise this is one of the best decisions you've ever made. Take care

I would tell you to wake up and stop running after someone who abuses you. I would ask you if your friends can see then , then why cant you??
It's now in the open, people have witnessed this and he was arrested. The police have been involved. This is the time to open your eyes and see it for what it is. This sounds harsh but anything after this is entirely your choosing.
You have zero ties with him. So walk away.

"Without this push, I think I’d have stayed."

I'm so pleased to read that you are leaving because tbh when I read this "I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me." in your first post, my heart sank.

How can you love a man who has treated you like that?

Is it not the man that you think/hope he is that you love?

Well, as you now know-he doesn't exist!

Don't waste your pity on a man who is in a cell because he deserves to be!

Thank goodness for your neighbours who called the police.

Just saw your update and well done!! Please never make the same mistake again.

OP. My Mums advice when I was in a similar position was “You’re married now. You made your bed now lie in it”. I stayed in an abusive marriage that lasted another 5 years and only left when he strangled me. I left against my parents wishes.
Now I am re-married and have a daughter. My advice should she ever find herself in this position would be to leave and don’t look back.
You deserve happiness.
You deserve safety.
You deserve a future.
The relationship will not recover from this. Walk away now while you are still able to.
Best of luck.

Hadn't read the full the read. Good for you op!

Well done, Op. I wish you all the best.

OP be prepared for the emotional manipulation that's coming your way. The upset, the tears, the remorse, the swearing that it'll never happen again. It's all bullshit, but it's very convincing.

Hi OP,

I just want to say you are wonderful and send you a hug from me and if I were your mum we would sit down for tea and cake .

You have been through a trauma and are in shock. You are amazing to have been able to get through last night, talk to the nice police lady and get your dad to come. Congrats on all of that. Remember when you feel low how strong you have been in the past 12 hours.

Now, next steps (I am assuming you are going with your dad)
When you get home with your dad to London or wherever, contact your student counsellors and get remote video support.

They can help you emotionally and practically.

Take this step by step, day by day. You can get through every day as one step. DO not think beyond to-day. Keep posting and we will all keep on posting to support and give you guidance as to what to do practically.

It's no good us telling you what we think you should do because you say you love him so that will cloud your judgement. What I will say is, if your mum, sister,auntie or friend was asking you for advice in this situation what would you say to them? You are 21 is this really how you saw your life being? Making excuses for someone who has the potential to destroy your life? We all make mistakes and live to regret them, if you stay with this man you may not get that chance. If you leave you will at least have a future, if you stay you may well not.

It's nothing to do with his mental health or his meds. He's assaulting you and threatening you because you are smaller than him and scared of him and he can make you do what he wants. He likes the power this gives him ,and it makes him feel like a big man.
He's not pushing other grown men around, is he? It's a choice to do this, and whatever he may tell you, he doesn't love or respect you or he wouldn't do it. He does it because he's a bully and wants his own way, and enjoys seeing you hurt and scared.
And he will blame you for him being in a cell, and will twist it so that when he does it again, you'll be too scared to get help, and he'll make it all your fault.
You are already trying to shoulder some of the blame.You description of the argument etc shows that you have internalised his position on this, which is that it's OK to assault you because you deserve it.
Let me tell you, there are no circumstances in which it is OK for a man to assault a woman, whatever she says or does. He is bigger and stronger than you. The comparison is you repeatedly pushing an 8 year old child- the size difference is about the same. It's not something you would do, is it? No matter what that child was saying, even if that child tried to hit you.
I'm guessing your background might have been quite traumatic, if you are not in contact with your Mum and your dad hasn't responded to your text about this. Normal parents would be with you like a shot, getting you out of that situation. Your view on what constitutes a normal relationship might be a bit off-kilter, and it's good that you've asked for advice here.
If you were my daughter I'd get you out now. He'll be in a foul mood when he comes back and you won't be safe.
Pack a bag with any important documents and get out. Go to a friend's, phone the uni accommodation office, student helpline, a refuge once you are out but go.
You are not responsible for him, he doesn't care for you, let alone love you.

OP I'm so happy that you are beginning to see the reality of this relationship. You are a decent person who feels all sorts of love for this man. The truth is that you cannot heal his wounds, save him or make him whole, much as you no doubt want to.

Relationships like this can be utterly intoxicating because when it is good it is so very, very good but when it is bad it is awful. Beyond the physical side of things, this relationship will come to dominate your thoughts. Your life will be ruled by his moods and his inability to manage his emotions. You can't save him; he can undertake therapy himself if he wants to change.

Walk away. But please, please get counselling yourself to begin to understand the legacy of your childhood and help you avoid falling for another man with the same issues.

And yes, what @MashedPotatoBrainz said. A tsunami of manipulation and self-pity is coming your way. You are a source of support and nourishment to him. That's all he sees you as, not as a person in your own right.

He will tell you anything and promise you the earth if you will just give him another chance. You will be so tempted because you love him and you want to believe him. But here's the thing - nothing fundamentally will change. He will be his best self for a few days, a week, a month - and then something will happen. Each time he abuses you, your tolerance will stretch a little more. It's the old analogy of the frog slowly boiling alive.

Get out now and don't look back. If he really wants to change he will go and do the work, probably fairly intensive therapy. It's highly unlikely he will do this - he will just move on to his next victim.

I've just seen your update, I'm so pleased your dad is coming to get you.
You seem very able and aware - make sure you do speak to student support, they may well be able to help you with the landlord issue. Don't let this put you off finishing your degree, you can transfer to a different uni if you want to.

I am a mum of daughters.

I would tell you that honestly, the vast majority of relationships that you're in at 20/21 don't last anyway. That most women my age (late thirties) probably cant even recall who their boyfriend was at that age let alone give much thought to them these days or care about them.

I would tell you that you are far too young to be tangled up with someone that hurts you, that you have the rest of your life to find someone nice to treats you well.

I would also tell you to leave him, today. It was a shove last night, it will escalate. Get out, before he does you physical damage and seek some help for the mental stresses this has caused. Google the Freedom Program and see if you can get on it.

Leave now, and in ten years time you'll look back and think 'phew, that was a lucky escape from that loser'. Don't become another DV statistic.

My daughter is slightly younger than you but I would be telling her to leave.
I know you love him, and this isn't what you want to hear but this is likely to get worse

So glad that you are leaving with your dad.

It is truly sad (not a sob story) that you had come to accept that abuse comes with love. But really hopeful that you have made this connection at 21, and are prioritising your own safety. As I mentioned above, there are domestic abuse programmes that will supportively help you to process what you have been through and help you to move forward.

Read back your own message. Analyse it. You are writing a message from the perspective of a woman experiencing the beginnings of domestic abuse- without even knowing it.

“ The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.”

*self-blame
*worrying about how facing the consequences of his actions will affect his behaviour towards you
*putting him before yourself unnecessarily
*trying to equate your behaviour with his when his is far more extreme
*using his mental health as an excuse for his behaviour towards you

You know this isn’t your fault and you are trying to rationalise it:
“ I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim”

Nevertheless, read the context of your paragraph and all you are truly doing is making excuses for him. I can read your fear and anxiety, e.g “he knows I didn’t call the police, BUT...”. You are worried that things will escalate when he gets out and that he will blame you- for him physically abusing you and a stranger doing the right thing by reporting him.

What would you tell your own daughter if you read this? I would tell my own daughter that a man wouldn’t go out of his way to harm someone he loved over something as trivial as Netflix; that a man would never physically harm or physically control a woman he loved. This has no bearing on you. Some men think it’s ok to hurt women and have no ability to truly love any woman they’re in a relationship with. It’s not ok. However things managed to escalate he used his physical advantage to control and overpower you. Do you think this is acceptable? Do you think this will be the last time?

My question is, why did you forgive him so quickly that night?

I’m so glad you’ve decided to leave OP 🤗 Just last week my DH had to phone the police on a man who thought it was alright to bloody the face of his pregnant girlfriend in front of their 6yr old DD. People like your boyfriend don’t stop until they are made to stop.

@updownroundandround OP has already made the decision to leave so I doubt your shouting and angry face emojis is going to add anything positive.

@updownroundandround - please RTT.
Her dad is on his way now to collect her.
She is being mature and sensible and has taken on board our comments.
She is taking decisive action now.
This is not AIBU!
Support, concern and consideration over here!

Well done you, OP.

Let me recommend the "Freedom Programme" for the moment. I believe it is free.

I've reported the shouty victim-blaming post.

Some earlier posts have also verged on victim-blaming tbh, this thread has not always been comfortable reading.

There's a vulnerable young woman reading it, I hope people can remember that.