DP arrested for assault (advice from mums please!)

[unsure141]

Hello,

This is my first post on mumsnet and in all honesty it might just be because I need some mums to reassure me (abusive relationship with own).

In short: my boyfriend (21) was arrested at 2am last night for assault on me, the police were called by two separate witnesses and despite my protests he was taken into custody where he is atm.

If you need more details: we are both 21, final year of uni, and live together. We have been together since October 2019 (I know it’s not a long time). He has some mental health issues and quite a spiteful temper when he really snaps. Last night we went out and came back around midnight. An argument started over what to watch on Netflix (I know ) and it escalated to the point of him pushing me onto the sofa whenever I tried to get up, and then he pushed me backwards into the kitchen counters. I am not injured but it was obviously unpleasant. This is not the first time he has been physical (and to be 100% transparent, at times I have given as good as I’ve got, though he is 6ft and I’m 4ft 11). We spoke about it roughly 20 mins later and he apologised, as did I for starting the argument and for something unkind I said during. The pushing incident was witnessed, unbeknownst to us, by two neighbours in flats that have a direct view into our kitchen, both of whom called the police. When the police arrived I was obviously very shocked as I knew I hadn’t called them, but I was happy to talk to the officers. They explained that even though I didn’t want to give a statement, that because it was a domestic incident, it’s protocol to arrest him. I begged to be able to see him before he left but this was refused for my own safety, which I understand though by this point he was calm. The officers returned shortly afterwards and told me that DP had been cooperative and calm, albeit quite mardy and a bit dramatic. They told me he would most likely be released between 11am-5pm today, but I’ve heard nothing more.

I suppose I am making this post because I have nobody to talk to. My friends already think he’s an arse (he is but to be fair, they don’t always see the nicer parts of our relationship), as mentioned before I don’t have contact with my mum, my dad has left me on ‘read’ when I messaged him about this, and I’m an only child, no extended family.

The reason I am so worried about him is because I am terrified this will be my fault somehow in his mind. I know rationally that’s ridiculous because I am literally the victim, and he KNOWS I didn’t call the police, but I know what his mind can get like when he’s isolated. He also won’t be taking his medication when he wakes up like he should, as it’s here and not with him.

I think I am probably upset and tired over nothing, but I would really just like some advice from a Mum please. What would you tell your daughter to do in this situation?

(I know the majority will say LTB, but like all women in this situation, I’m caught up in the fact that I really do love him with all my heart. The thought of him in a cold cell by himself is devastating for me).

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post, I’m sorry if I’ve drip fed, I haven’t slept all night. Also I’m sorry if I’ve put this in the wrong section!

OP have you been given any follow up support?

Has anyone explained what the DVPO means and what to do if he breaches it?

Has the DV unit been in contact? Any referrals made?

Anyone advised you on your legal options for example a Non Molestation Order?

Considering how many women are murdered by their partners on leaving, it doesn't seem as though you are getting appropriate advice and support.

Oh lovely

I really do love him with all my heart.

Whatever you do, don't fall for the line you are fed that this is somehow love. Get yourself out of this rubbish relationship.

Your life will be much, much better when the people you are with treat you with respect.

Hello.

I’m currently at a service station so not sure if this will send as i’m on my 4g.

Nobody has called me at all since 9:45, but he is out. As I was walking down the street to my dad’s parked car, DP was walking the opposite way towards the flat. Dad thankfully saw him coming before I did and we crossed the street to wait for him to pass.

I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would feel like this. I’m angry, I’m sad, I feel guilty somehow, and in my heart when I saw him I just wanted to give him such a big cuddle and tell him how worried I’ve been. But then at the same time I know that is ridiculous and he doesn’t deserve my sympathy. I don’t know.

I must have said it 4 or 5 times now, but I am truly overwhelmed by this outpouring of support. You have all made a frightened young girl feel very much like an empowered young woman. I expect there will be highs and lows but I’ve done it. I’m out!

You've only been "with" him since October last year - for you to be frightened of him, know how spiteful his temper can get, and to have a DV arrest made in your home, called in by two independent witnesses...

This should still be "the honeymoon phase", surely?

Pushing will turn to punching. Whether you believe it, or not, his abuse of you will ramp up. And it is abuse. MH issues are not an excuse for him physically intimidating and hurting you, or emotionally abusing you. They're really not. Your "partner" is making choices to do all of that.

He is choosing to hurt you.

And he'll get worse.

You're 21 years old and the world is still at your feet. Don't let him take that from you. Because he'll try to. Abusers always do. Deep down, he doesn't love you, he hates you... or something about you that he feels is lacking in himself.

Leave him. Don't look back. Be grateful you don't have a child to bind you to him. Live your life the best way that you can, and don't ever settle for a "partner" who will push you around simply to make himself feel good about himself, okay?

I must have said it 4 or 5 times now, but I am truly overwhelmed by this outpouring of support. You have all made a frightened young girl feel very much like an empowered young woman. I expect there will be highs and lows but I’ve done it. I’m out!

Now this can be the story you tell yourself about how you almost ended up in a really bad place. But you left, you worked on your boundaries and you never put up with abusive behaviour. Instead of us hearing about this down the line when you're pregnant and feel you can't leave.

I'd send those neighbours flowers if I could.

Do not respond to his calls & texts. Plenty of time for that

Speak well of us, OP, if you hear Mumsnet being denigrated. And tell your friends, we love a dilemma!
💐

DP was walking the opposite way towards the flat

Then call the police. He is already breaching the DVPO and should not be approaching the flat. FFS no one has explained this to you!

I'm so glad that you've left and that your dad came to get you.

Please don't go back.

I'm a middle aged woman with a daughter your age. I'm also a midwife and have cared for numerous women who have been in domestic abuse situations. It doesn't get better. I can promise you that. It escalates.

You've been together 7 months, God knows how bad it would be in 7 years. When he has you over a barrel because you have kids and no job and think you can't afford to leave and he ramps the violence up because he knows you won't walk out. He will likely promise you the earth now....that he will get help, he realizes he was wrong, it won't happen again. It's all bullshit to lure you back. And everytime you go back it's a bit harder to leave again.

Stay away now while you have the chance. You've your whole life infront of you. What sort of future do you want for yourself? This is a total sliding doors moment. Stay strong.

The police either didn’t do the DVPO or he has ignored the 48 hours rule. I would give them a call to confirm and let them know he was heading to your flat. They really should have told you either way for your safety.

I’m glad you are out. Stay strong and don’t engage with any of his drama.

I’ve done it. I’m out!

Well done @unsure141

Well done for reaching out here
Well done for calling on your Dad

I'd encourage you to keep a copy (screenshots ) of this thread incase you ever waver. We are rooting for you to have a great life, with love and respect.

A couple of resources for you

https://www.womensaid.org.uk
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/redflagarchives.tumblr.com/post/151211118082/why-does-he-do-thatpdf/amp

All the very best. Can you continue your course remotely. Good luck.

Please, please use this event to realise that this relationship isn't good for you, if he's already been physical with you it will progress to him hitting you & worse!
Look at it from your friends point of view, if you were them seeing a 6ft man become violent over choosing something to watch what would you do?
Love is not living in fear, you are worth so much more than this!

You're not 'getting upset about nothing'. You're worried out of your mind that he will somehow turn this around and blame you. That says it all really. Keep reading that bit over again. You're right, he will find a way to make this your fault, I promise you it's not though.

This will be your life now though if you stay with him - you'll be constantly checking your behaviour to try not to upset him - I bet you do that already, don't you? If you stay he will get worse and the violence will get more serious. Sorry to be harsh but it's textbook. You're still young with your whole life ahead of you and I promise there is better out there for you. You may think you love him right now because you've never known any different but honestly, get away from him now and 6 months down the line you'll be so relieved you got away. Please please look after yourself and stay safe.

If you're out of the flat and have all your stuff, I'd recommend blocking him now so he can't contact you and cajole you into returning.

It's very easy to think "it's ok, he didn't mean it really, he's really sorry, he won't do it again" - but he will.
And you are far too young to put up with this.

Learn to value yourself to the point where this is unacceptable TO YOU. You've needed people to tell you that it is - fair enough, you had a background that didn't make it that easy for you to realise - but you need to have it embedded in your own psyche that this is unacceptable TO YOU and you will not take it again, not from anyone.

Good luck with everything

Sorry, just seen your latest update. I'm really glad you've left and your dad has come to get you. Do you have all your stuff? I agree with the poster above that you should block him now. Otherwise his next move will be 'lovebombing' (honestly it's like they follow a script) where he begs for forgiveness, can't believe he did it to you and he's going to get help blah blah blah.. don't fall for it or get sucked back in. If he's truly remorseful then he'll get help and sort himself out on his own.

I am a Mum to 3 daughters albeit they are much younger than you.

I promise, promise this is exactly what I would tell one of my children:

I know you love him and I know you are worried about him, I genuinely hope he gets some support with his issues.

My concern is you and only you. Please, please at least think about walking away. If you must, then give him some time to work on his issues, especially his anger and you work on yours.
Surely if he loves you as you say he does, he would be willing to get some help? As would you?

You both deserve to be safe, respected and loved. Neither one of you should ever get physical with the other. You both need time apart and you both need help. If after some time you feel the same way, then talk to one another and work on your relationship.
As it stands for now, you should not be together.

My underlying feeling would be to tell my child to never see this person again but I know that would only push her back towards him.

Think about what you want out of life, is it this?
I wish you well.

@unsure141

Hello.

I’m currently at a service station so not sure if this will send as i’m on my 4g.

Nobody has called me at all since 9:45, but he is out. As I was walking down the street to my dad’s parked car, DP was walking the opposite way towards the flat. Dad thankfully saw him coming before I did and we crossed the street to wait for him to pass.

I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would feel like this. I’m angry, I’m sad, I feel guilty somehow, and in my heart when I saw him I just wanted to give him such a big cuddle and tell him how worried I’ve been. But then at the same time I know that is ridiculous and he doesn’t deserve my sympathy. I don’t know.

I must have said it 4 or 5 times now, but I am truly overwhelmed by this outpouring of support. You have all made a frightened young girl feel very much like an empowered young woman. I expect there will be highs and lows but I’ve done it. I’m out!

It's tough OP and you'll have doubts in the future but you've done the right, and safest, thing for you. Keep it up! 🙏

Sending you a huge Big Sister hug! 🤗

Staying away is the hardest part. What is your short-term plan? Where are you going to stay?

The fact you're frightened what he will do when he gets back, says it all. THIS time, you got away without injury. NEXT time, might be very different. There will be a next time.

You; Broken teeth, broken bones, bleeding on the brain, PTSD .
Him : In prison, lifetime criminal record for violence.

Walk away now for both your sakes.

But then at the same time I know that is ridiculous and he doesn’t deserve my sympathy. I don’t know
Bless you OP.
Of course you are confused about how you feel.
Your mum conditioned you from a very young age to appease and keep her happy etc.....
It's all you currently know.
Keep coming here for advice though. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience and everyone can help you as you grow and realise that none of this is normal and that you get to decide how you live.
You learn to love and respect yourself as you grow as well.
You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you.
You are already showing huge maturity!
You've got this.
Lean on family and friends. Grieve for what you thought you had and then move on to a happier life!
Well done - I'd be very proud if you were my DD!

Your neighbours were completely right to call the Police and they were right to arrest him. They don’t need a complaint from you. You have no marriage, kids or property ties with this man. The only sensible thing for you to do is end the relationship. His mental health issues are completely irrelevant. Lots of people have mental health problems but don’t resort to assaulting their partners. Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in a violent cycle. He will no doubt be beside himself with remorse, and you’ll forgive him. Please do the right thing for yourself and your future.

@unsure141

Hello.

I’m currently at a service station so not sure if this will send as i’m on my 4g.

Nobody has called me at all since 9:45, but he is out. As I was walking down the street to my dad’s parked car, DP was walking the opposite way towards the flat. Dad thankfully saw him coming before I did and we crossed the street to wait for him to pass.

I knew it would be hard but I never thought it would feel like this. I’m angry, I’m sad, I feel guilty somehow, and in my heart when I saw him I just wanted to give him such a big cuddle and tell him how worried I’ve been. But then at the same time I know that is ridiculous and he doesn’t deserve my sympathy. I don’t know.

I must have said it 4 or 5 times now, but I am truly overwhelmed by this outpouring of support. You have all made a frightened young girl feel very much like an empowered young woman. I expect there will be highs and lows but I’ve done it. I’m out!

Feeling concerned for him and still having care for him after you've left abuse is very common. You wouldn't have been with him if he'd shown his true colours at the start, he had to reel you in with a softer side. Don't let it suck you back in. He had no care or concern for you when he used his height and strength against you to hurt you. He'll be fine. His mindset won't change, he believes it's okay to hurt women to get what he wants. All your compassion and kindness will be wasted. Don't go there, please.

I'm not familiar with UK police DV policy but it seems unsatisfactory for him to have been released without notifying you or some form of welfare visit or at least informing of any requirements on him regarding contact and living together though I'm aware my pre-conviction expectations may be out of kilter with reality.

Well done.

I feel uplifted to know that you got out.

Good for you.

Get out now. Your feelings will fade, especially when you have some distance from someone who is keeping you in a relationship where he abuses you. And this is abuse. You are right he will see it as all your fault - he is a man who thinks it is ok to use physical force on you. Nothing will be his fault. Dont buy into it. Sending you lots of good wishes.